Destress the Damsel

There was once an old sailor my grandfather knew
Who had so many things which he wanted to do
That, whenever he thought it was time to begin,
He couldn’t because of the state he was in.

He was shipwrecked, and lived on an island for weeks,

And he wanted a hat,

and he wanted some breeks;

And he wanted some nets, or a line and some hooks
For the turtles and things which you read of in books.

And, thinking of this, he remembered a thing
Which he wanted (for water) and that was a spring;
And he thought that to talk to he’d look for, and keep
(If he found it) a goat, or some chickens and sheep.

Then, because of the weather, he wanted a hut
With a door (to come in by) which opened and shut
(With a jerk, which was useful if snakes were about),
And a very strong lock to keep savages out.

He began on the fish-hooks, and when he’d begun
He decided he couldn’t because of the sun.

So he knew what he ought to begin with, and that
Was to find, or to make, a large sun-stopping hat.

He was making the hat with some leaves from a tree,
When he thought, “I’m as hot as a body can be,
And I’ve nothing to take for my terrible thirst;
So I’ll look for a spring, and I’ll look for it first.”

Then he thought as he started, “Oh, dear and oh, dear!
I’ll be lonely tomorrow with nobody here!”
So he made in his note-book a couple of notes:
“I must first find some chickens”

and “No, I mean goats.”

He had just seen a goat (which he knew by the shape)
When he thought, “But I must have a boat for escape.

But a boat means a sail, which means needles and thread;
So I’d better sit down and make needles instead.”
​

He began on a needle, but thought as he worked,
That, if this was an island where savages lurked,
Sitting safe in his hut he’d have nothing to fear,
Whereas now they might suddenly breathe in his ear!

So he thought of his hut . . . and he thought of his boat,
And his hat and his breeks, and his chickens and goat,
And the hooks (for his food) and the spring (for his thirst) . . .
But he never could think which he ought to do first.
​

And so in the end he did nothing at all,
But basked on the shingle wrapped up in a shawl.
And I think it was dreadful the way he behaved—
He did nothing but basking until he was saved!

– “The Old Sailor”, Now We Are Six by A.A. Milne
(Source: https://en.m.wikisource.org/wiki/Now_We_Are_Six/The_Old_Sailor)

What does an old sailor have in common with a snail? According to A.A. Milne’s charming poem, slowness in the extreme. While our fictional sailor was incredibly quick on the dreaming and the planning, he was also incredibly slow on the realizing and the doing. No matter how good his intentions, he never saw those good intentions materialize. “He did nothing but basking until he was saved!” That old sailor was a procrastinator.

There is a comical saying I have seen on many tee-shirts and social media memes. It goes something like this: “Procrastinators Unite! (Tomorrow)” I have “borrowed” this phrase for the title of this month’s blog. In a mere three words, it both pokes fun at and captures the sad reality of procrastination. While we all procrastinate to a degree, and certainly not all procrastination is an evil in and of itself, chronic procrastination is the enemy of productivity. The chronic procrastinator will always put off what she ought to do in favor of what she would rather do. In contrast, the felicitous homemaker faithfully sees all her duties through from beginning to end.

Snails were created to be slow, but as humans made in the image of God, what is our excuse to procrastinate? (Certainly you realize that I speak not of the infirm, but only of those in sound physical and mental condition.) Damsels are not to be like that old sailor and “do nothing but basking until we are saved“. We are designed to lead lives of productivity…motivated by love of God and others, grounded in self-discipline and self-denial. So, how do we stomp out procrastination in our lives? In Procrastinators Unite! (Tomorrow) we are going to look into the three primary reasons people procrastinate. By identifying the root causes of our procrastinating tendencies, we will be able to send procrastination packing before he even comes knocking at our door.

The first cause of procrastination is…

I have spent many days stringing and unstringing my instrument while the song I came to sing remains unsung. – Rabindranath Tagore

If this quote doesn’t resonate with you, go ahead and stop reading right now, because you clearly don’t have a procrastinating bone in your body. (I’m only joking…please don’t go!) In all seriousness, I’m sure each of us can relate to Mr. Tagore’s wise observation. If one were to add up all the hours of their life wasted on account of distraction, the result would be staggering. “Many days” would surely only scratch the surface of time lost.

Distraction can sneak up on us in a variety of ways (most of which are not harmful, outside of the fact that they are distracting us from what is needful in the moment). Distraction might sneak up on us in the form of entertainment. Television shows, movies, smartphone apps, video games, etc. can easily suck away days of our lives if we’re not vigilant. Distraction might sneak up on us in the form of communication. Phone calls, text messages, social media sites, emails, etc. can steal valuable time from other needful pursuits. Distraction might sneak up on us in the form of workloads. The newly-added responsibility, the once-in-a-while errand, the to-be-solved problem, etc. can demand so much of our focus that our regular duties fall by the wayside.

(Apart from outside sources that distract, such as entertainment, communication, and workloads, our mental state can undoubtedly be a distraction. If we are stressed, anxious, depressed, etc. it can greatly hamper our ability to focus on the things we need to be doing. However, such troubles extend past the scope of this month’s article. In order to avoid being glib, I will only be addressing the physical aspect of distraction today.)

The simplest way to conquer a distraction is by simply removing it until your duties are either completed or you have reached an allotted break time. Flip the television off until it’s time to kick back and relax. Put the phone in another room until you need to use it. Schedule the errand on a day you’re already out and about. Now, sometimes there will be unexpected things that demand our immediate attention (i.e. your husband is needing to discuss plans with you, your child fell off their bike and cut their knee, your neighbor is knocking at the door, your pet soiled the carpet, etc.) We must always be flexible in such cases and see to pressing needs. However, many distractions are not pressing needs at all, but merely excuses to procrastinate. The worker at home cannot afford to chase after every little distraction, lest her career of homemaking suffer greatly for it.

Consider that the opposite of distraction is traction. While distraction pushes us away from our goals, traction pushes us toward our goals. In his February 2022 article for Psychology Today, Nir Eyal penned: “if you find yourself doing what you planned, that’s traction. Anything else is a distraction.” He also pointed out that in order to gain traction, we must implement forethought and focus. Forethought helps us to make plans, while focus prevents us from unintentionally thwarting our own plans. First, decide what tasks you’re going to accomplish each day, and then do them with a present state of mind. Are you folding laundry? Focus on folding laundry. Are you washing dishes? Focus on washing dishes. Are you sweeping the floor? Focus on sweeping the floor. As much as possible, give your full attention to the job at hand. You’ll finish all the faster!

Ready to send procrastination packing? It’s time we address our proclivity for distraction.

He who tills his land will have plenty of bread, but he who pursues vain things lacks sense. – Proverbs 12:11

The second cause of procrastination is…

The most valuable of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it has to be done, whether you like it or not. – Aldous Huxley (author of Brave New World)

There is an English proverb that says, “One of these days is none of these days.” The Spanish have a similar proverb that goes like this: “The Road of By and By leads to the Town of Never.” When we feel disinclined to perform a task, it’s easy to find every excuse in the book not to begin in the first place. And whether we live in America, England, Spain, or Timbuktu, we should recognize that the delay of a task is often the death of that task. What we never start, we certainly never finish. What we never finish can have unfortunate consequences.

Disinclination can be a result of depleted healthiness…our soma feels disinclined. When we don’t nourish our bodies and get the rest we need, we don’t have the physical vigor to carry out our responsibilities. Disinclination can be a result of depleted happiness…our soul feels disinclined. When we don’t foster a love for homemaking and find pleasure therein, we don’t have the emotional vigor to carry out our responsibilities. Disinclination can be a result of depleted holiness…our spirit feels disinclined. When we don’t overcome laziness and cultivate a godly work ethic, we don’t have the spiritual vigor to carry out our responsibilities.

Whether our healthiness, happiness, or holiness is depleted…the simplest way to defeat disinclination is by completely embracing and embodying the identity of a housewife. You simply have to ask yourself: “what would a housewife do?” Would a housewife eat junk food and stay up too late on a regular basis, knowing that her household will inevitably suffer the consequences of her not functioning at 100 percent? Would a housewife regard her duties as dull and unfulfilling, knowing that she is the beautiful heart of the home? Would a housewife laze about and squander her precious time, knowing that she has been called to service?

Consider that the opposite of disinclination is inclination. When we are inclined to do something, it is as if our very nature cannot do otherwise. This is why “owning” the identity of housewife is so significant. When we make it a point to see ourselves as housewives, homemaking becomes more than simply performing a task…it becomes a vital part of who we are. Destress the Damsel is a testament to this power of perspective. Admittedly, there are days when I don’t feel like working on my blog. “Ugh, I have to write today.” But when I remind myself, “I am a writer“, it makes all the difference. What do writers do? They write! With this mindset, I no longer see writing as a chore to begrudgingly cross off the list, but as a natural outpouring of the kind of person I am…a writer. This perspective shift works well in many areas of life. Instead of, “Ugh, I have to help my husband“, try saying to yourself: “I’m a helpmeet“. Instead of, “Ugh, I have to mother my child“, try saying: “I’m a mother“. Instead of, “Ugh, I have to cook“, try: “I’m a cook“. Writers write, helpmeets help, mothers mother, and cooks cook. We act in accordance with our identity. So, don’t just be a housewife, see a housewife! And love housewifery. As they say, “love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

Ready to send procrastination packing? It’s time we address our proclivity for disinclination.

I passed by the field of the sluggard, and by the vineyard of the man lacking sense, and behold, it was completely overgrown with thistles, its surface was covered with nettles, and its stone wall was broken down. When I saw, I reflected upon it; I looked, and received instruction. “A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest,” then your poverty will come as a robber, and your want like an armed man. – Proverbs 24:30-34

The third cause of procrastination is…

When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. – Seneca (8 BC-AD 65)

Some days we are motivated to get lots of work done. We have the traction, we have the inclination…but, we haven’t the foggiest idea of where to begin. When we stop to consider the weight of all the responsibilities before us, we completely shut down on account of not having a game plan. “I have a hundred things to do, but which thing should I do first?” we might lament. The longer we spend thinking about our workload, the more hopeless it seems…and pretty soon we have wasted a good chunk of our day in a state of indecision.

Disorientation usually stems from being overwhelmed. We might feel we have too much to do, and too little time to do it, so we take the “all or nothing” approach. Instead of settling for taking a bite out of the elephant, we sit on our hands and do nothing at all. An old boss of mine once said, “slow progress is better than no progress.” This is great advice. Even a measly 1% done is still 1% better than 0% done! Think about it: if you made 1% progress per day, you could knock out any task in 100 days. If you were to put in 0% effort toward a task over 100 days, the time would still pass, but with nothing to show for it. Baby steps are so underrated.

If you don’t know where to begin, there are many ways to order your tasks. You can go from “easiest to hardest” or “quickest to longest”, in an effort to just get moving. You can go from “hardest to easiest” or “longest to quickest”, in an effort to flow with your energy. There’s no “right answer”, and the order you choose might vary depending on the day. Just don’t overthink it. Better to start somewhere than to end your day regretting all that wasted time spent trying to decide on “the perfect order” for your chore list. One word of caution, though: don’t forget to take time sensitive tasks into consideration, or you’ll get yourself stuck in a standstill. (i.e. if you leave laundry as the very last thing on your list, you will be twiddling your thumbs while waiting on the washer and dryer. If you put laundry in first, you can swap out loads in between other chores.)

Consider that the opposite of disorientation is orientation. When we are “oriented”, we are facing in the right direction. Yet, as we already established, knowing the right direction is typically our hangup. This is where we need to buckle down and get SMART. Businesses often use this acronym when brainstorming goals. A good business goal has to be – Specific, Measurable, Actionable, Realistic, and Time bound – SMART! If a goal fails to meet any of these five standards, out the window it goes. I propose that the same five standards should apply to our goals as workers at home. To make sure your homemaking goals are SMART, ask yourself the five W’s: Who exactly is going to do the task? (That’s actionable) What exactly is the task? (That’s specific) When exactly will the task be finished? (That’s time bound) Where exactly will the task leave us? (That’s measurable) Why is the task important to me? (That’s realistic) Hey, we all know it’s better to work SMARTer than to work harder.

Ready to send procrastination packing? It’s time we address our proclivity for disorientation.

A plan in the heart of a man is like deep water, but a man of understanding draws it out. – Proverbs 20:5

In conclusion…

Procrastination is the Thief of Time. – Edward Young, Night Thoughts (1742-46)

Damsels, don’t let distraction, disinclination, or disorientation rob you of your days. Let’s not follow in the footsteps of that old, snail-like sailor and “do nothing but basking until we are saved.” Rather, may each and every homemaker bless hearth and home with her traction, inclination, and orientation. Procrastinators, Unite…

Today!

Therefore be careful how you walk, not as unwise men, but as wise, making the most of your time, because the days are evil. – Ephesians 5:15-16

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.


“The Orcs were first bred by the Dark Power of the North in the Elder Days. It is said that they had no language of their own, but took what they could of other tongues and perverted it to their own liking; yet they made only brutal jargons, scarcely sufficient even for their own needs, unless it were for curses and abuse. And those creatures, being filled with malice, hating even their own kind, quickly developed as many barbarous dialects as there were groups or settlements of their own race, so that their Orkish speech was of little use to them in intercourse between different tribes. … Orcs and Trolls spoke as they would, without love of words or things; and their language was actually more degraded and filthy than I have shown it. I do not suppose that any will wish for a closer rendering, though models are easy to find. Much the same sort of talk can still be heard among the orc-minded; dreary and repetitive with hatred and contempt, too long removed from good to retain even verbal vigour, save in the ears of those to whom only the squalid sounds strong.”

– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King (Appendix F: The Languages and Peoples of the Third Age)

If you’re a lover of J.R.R. Tolkien’s work like I am, you know that an orc is about the last creature that one should desire to be likened to. Even if you are none too familiar with Tolkien, it should be evident from the description above that orcs are among the vilest of characters in The Lord of the Rings canon. An orc is an armed soldier of the dark lord, Sauron (the Lord of the Rings equivalent of Satan himself). Orcs are dark, twisted, and evil in every way. “Degraded and filthy language” points to their race’s overall degeneracy.

J.R.R. Tolkien compared people who speak with “curses and abuse” (read: profanity) to his mythical orcs. He bluntly referred to these folks as, “the Orc-minded…to whom only the squalid sounds strong”. Notice that Tolkien was able to express his marked disapproval of such coarse individuals without uttering a single swear word himself. He simply showed us how detestable an orc is, and then pointed out that there are human beings who eerily resemble them. Tolkien was employing an “if the shoe fits” approach. Hopefully, this Orkish shoe does not fit any of us here at Destress the Damsel. Hopefully, we shun Orkish speech in our lives. Hopefully, unlike the barbarous orcs, we damsels are devoted to taming the tongue.

“Now hold on just a minute,” you might be thinking, “I can’t tame my tongue! After all, doesn’t James 3:8 explicitly state that, ‘no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison’?”

Indeed, it does! However, I must point out that the translators of our English Bibles often leave out one very significant little word found in the original text = anthropos (the Greek word for “man“). A more accurate translation would read “no one of man can tame the tongue”. On our own, we humans do tend towards being “orc-minded” and are tempted to utilize “Orkish speech”. This is where Jesus, “the hidden person of the heart” (1 Peter 3:4), comes in to save the day! Both God and man, Jesus is the ultimate “tongue-tamer”. With men it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27b – emphasis added) When our Lord is living in us and working through us, that is when we can find the wherewithal to deny our more Orkish tendencies.

Scripture teaches that we will be held accountable for all futile words that escape our lips. In Matthew 12:36-37, Jesus warned, “every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.” In light of this, Paul admonished, “let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.” (Ephesians 4:29) Jesus, James, and Paul certainly all believed in taming the tongue (with God’s assistance).

Today, I want to share with you some (non-euphemistic) ways to exchange expletives and lift language. I have noticed that the tongues that use profanity typically fall into one of 3 primary categories. For each of these 3 categories, I am going to provide you with 33 swear replacements that I pray might serve you in your “tongue-taming” journey. By the time you finish reading, you will have 99 different ways to express yourself without the use of profanity. I’m sure you can add to the list, but these will give you a good start.

#1. With God’s assistance, you can tame…



Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to add emphasis to a sentence. Examples might include, “That is one bleeping cool car!” or “Bleep! He is one handsome man!” or even “What the bleep?!”. Questions of morality aside, I often find that the use of emphasis (even of the non-profane variety) is not needed at all. One could simply say, “That is one cool car!” or “He is one handsome man!” or “What?!” and express themselves just as effectively without additional words of emphasis. Utilizing plain speech (while employing the right facial expressions and tones) can get your point across in a way that is credible and mature. Still, there are times when you may wish to express yourself with emphasis, and there are so many ways to do so without being vulgar. Here are 33 words of emphasis you can use in lieu of profanity:

I could go on and on. Suffice it to say, there are a myriad of ways to express the emphasizing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, not only do we become better woman spiritually, but we also become better woman socially. We will sound much more intelligent and high-class when we are creative with our vocabulary and shun poor speaking habits.

There must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. – Ephesians 5:4b

Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the emphasizing tongue.

#2. With God’s assistance, you can tame…


Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to criticize a wicked individual. Examples might include: “That man/woman is a bleep!” or “They are bleeps!” or “You are a bleep!”. While there is a time and place for criticism, swearing at or about someone will only serve to diminish your caliber and place you on a level with the very same ungodly person(s) of whom you claim to disapprove. The following swear replacements are broken up into three sub-categories: specific terms, generic terms, and Biblical terms. For those times when we must describe someone in a negative light (though I believe these times come less often than we think) these 33 terms will help you express yourself without resorting to curses:

Specific terms…

Generic terms…

Biblical terms…

Again, there are a myriad of ways to express the criticizing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, we can identify a person of low-caliber without becoming low-caliber ourselves. A word of warning: let your criticisms be few and far between. Make sure you are judging righteously, not according to appearance. (John 7:24) Furthermore, do not allow yourself to be swept up in a gossip session about anyone, no matter how odious they may be.

There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. – Proverbs 12:18

Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the criticizing tongue.

#3. With God’s assistance, you can tame…


Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to analyze an unpleasant situation. Examples might include: “Bleep! I smashed my finger!” or “I’m running late. I’m so bleeped!” or “This coffee really bleeps!”. While it may feel like a cathartic release to curse in the face of irritation, this bad habit really only adds insult to injury. Words are powerful and world-building. They give life and power to our feelings and thoughts, fashioning our reality. When we face our frustrations with a good sense of humor instead of getting unduly bent out of shape, it will help us to keep it together in even more difficult situations. Here are 33 swear replacements to use when you sustain a minor injury, make a mistake, dislike something, etc:

Once again, there are a myriad of ways to express the analyzing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, we can turn annoying circumstances into comical ones. Life is so much simpler when we don’t sweat the small stuff. Next time you feel a burr under your saddle, try making light of the situation. Take it in stride, and laugh it off with a playful word choice.

But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. – Colossians 3:8

Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the analyzing tongue.

In conclusion…

There you have it! We have looked at 99 (non-euphemistic) ways to exchange expletives and lift language. Many ideas could be added to the list. With such an arsenal of swear-replacements at our disposal, what excuse do we have to use “brutal jargons” and “barbarous dialects“? Damsels, it’s tongue-taming time.

“No man can tame the tongue” you say? ‘Tis true. Yet I know a tongue-tamer, and He says, “I am no man!“. (The Lord of the Rings fans should appreciate the reference.) Jesus Christ – more than a man – can help us tame the emphasizing tongue, the criticizing tongue, and the analyzing tongue. With Him living in us, we can forsake Orkish speech patterns and say good-bye to “degraded and filthy language”, once and for all.

‘What has become of the miserable Orcs?’ said Legolas. ‘That, I think, no one will ever know,’ said Gandalf. – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.