Destress the Damsel


For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
For he’s a jolly good fellow,
Which nobody can deny!

Which nobody can deny! Which nobody can deny! For he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good fellow, for he’s a jolly good feeelllooowww — and so the traditional song goes. And goes. And goes. Like Shari Lewis’ infamous earworm, “The Song That Never Ends”, “For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” can loop in the mind for days. My apologies to you…and to all poor souls in hearing distance of you.

“For He’s a Jolly Good Fellow” has been sung at many a birthday, wedding, anniversary, promotion, retirement, and sporting event over the last two centuries. It is meant to exonerate a man who is, well…a jolly good fellow. In a few simple words, it conveys the message, “we all agree that this guy is pretty swell”. Whether the song is sung in honor of a dedicated husband, a skillful employee, or an accomplished athlete, it is assumed that the “jolly good fellow” is a man of some dignity and stature.

For some time, I have wished to advise the single ladies in my audience on what qualities to look for in a potential husband. I have been reluctant to write on this topic, for my idea of a good husband and your idea of a good husband may be vastly different. For example, I am attracted to a man who is grave and contemplative. Many women are attracted to a man who is goofy and carefree. Neither preference is “right or wrong”, so to speak, but merely a matter of individual opinion. My darling husband, whom I regard as the most fascinating creature on Planet Earth, may be regarded by some women as dull and uninteresting. And there are some men out there – wonderful, Christian men, mind you – whom I would never desire to be married to, simply based on my personal taste. And herein lies my conundrum: since everyone’s “type” is different, how can I even begin to tell you what to look for? Certainly, there are qualities all Christian women would call “non-negotiable”. I want a godly man. I want a good man. I want a real man. But these qualities are so vague that they are impractical and therefore unhelpful. What does a godly man look like? What does a good man look like? What does a real man look like? I am writing you today to help you answer these vital questions.

In Is He a Jolly Good Fellow? we are going to be contrasting two kinds of men. The first is The Man I Desire. This guy looks like Mr. Right at face value, as he shares many traits with men of high caliber. The second is The Man I Require. This guy is it. The real deal. Anyone who’s not him? Dismissed. Bye. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out. If you are single as a pringle and looking for a “Jolly Good Fellow” to call you his own, you surely don’t want to miss this month’s article on picking a husband.

Without further ado, let’s spend some time sizing up…


As I mentioned in today’s intro, women’s tastes in men vary greatly. There is no one-size-fits-all guy we can point to as THE perfect catch. I can guarantee that as soon as you think you’ve identified the world’s #1 coolest cat, sure enough there will be some gal who says, “eh. He’s not my cup of tea”. Because desirability is so subjective – beauty is in the eye of the beholder – I have compiled a list of 8 traits that I believe to be (generally speaking) universally desired in men. Most of us would say:

  1. The Man I Desire is attractive. Some women like tall men, some women like short men. Some like black hair, some like brown hair, some like red hair, some like blonde hair. Some like their man with facial hair, some like their man to be clean-shaven. Some like brown eyes, some like green eyes, some like blue eyes. We can’t all agree on what an “attractive” man is, but this we can all agree on: every woman desires to have a man who is strikingly handsome in her eyes.

  2. The Man I Desire is charming. Classic Disney movies made sure we all understood this basic truth about men: if he isn’t charming, then he’s certainly no prince. Even more compelling than looks to most women, is a man’s ability to sweet-talk and perform gallant tasks. Charismatic men who cozy up to women with compliments and chivalrous gestures are more charming than their reserved counterparts. (Yet beware, for charm has mated many an abuser to his victim.)

  3. The Man I Desire is humorous. They say “girls just wanna have fun”, and never is this more true than when it comes to having fun with the man of her dreams. When a guy makes a girl laugh, he places her into her natural feminine headspace – she is jaunty, breezy, carefree. This has a powerful drawing effect, for a woman is at her happiest when she is in “girl mode”. The man who can put her there might as well wear a sign saying, “marry me, and feel this way always.”

  4. The Man I Desire is intelligent. Whether he is spouting off facts about world wars, doling out anecdotal advice, crunching numbers for a corporate board, or explaining how to change a flat tire, a man with some know-how will usually succeed in impressing the ladies. No one wants a birdbrained husband. While a girl can often get away with being a bit of an airhead – appearing innocent and vulnerable – this isn’t the case with guys. They come across as imbecilic and vapid.

  5. The Man I Desire is muscular. I have yet to hear a woman gushing over a man’s weak, scrawny, gangly physique. “Oh, your arms are so skinny and limp! Your thin, spindly fingers are just right for caressing me! How I love to lay my head upon your narrow, skeletal chest!” Sounds absurd, does it not? We like our men solid, sturdy, and strapping. Strong arms, big hands, a firm chest…these traits point to manliness. They say, “I can make mincemeat of anyone who messes with my girl.“

  6. The Man I Desire is powerful. The guy who can build a business from the ground up…the guy who can spring an idea and get others to jump on the bandwagon…the guy who speaks and the room goes quiet…the guy who is “large and in charge”…this guy will garner our attention. Powerful men are more than mere dreamers. They are the ones who plan, and the ones who can. They are capable, competent, and (over)qualified. And let’s be honest…we all want one.

  7. The Man I Desire is romantic. Now, allow me to qualify this statement. Flowers are not every girl’s weakness. Some girls would rather enjoy a night in than a night out. I have even heard tell of girls that shun chocolate (oh, what a bleak life this third category must lead!) What is perceived as “romantic” by one girl may be shot down and scoffed at by another. Whatever our particular “brand” of romance, we all yearn for a man who treats us as if we’re the only girl in the world.

  8. The Man I Desire is wealthy. A man doesn’t necessarily have to be the next John D. Rockefeller, Andrew Carnegie, Bill Gates, or Elon Musk to capture a woman’s interest. But to act as if money is of no consequence is to ignore the elephant in the room. Couples can’t “live on love”; a man must be able to provide for his family. It’s a fact of life: financial stability and familial security typically go hand-in-hand. A woman wants to know that her man can “bring home the bacon”.

Now, suppose you meet a man who is attractive, charming, humorous, intelligent, muscular, powerful, romantic, and wealthy. Eight out of eight – a perfect score! You have found “the one”, right? Perhaps. But then again, I could name a lot of cads who fit the description of attractive, charming, humorous, intelligent, muscular, powerful, romantic, and wealthy. While these traits are desirable in men, and can be used as guidelines of what to look for in a potential husband, they are not in and of themselves conclusive evidence of the godly man, the good man, the real man. He has to have something more.

Is He A Jolly Good Fellow? In order to find out, I must look beyond The Man I Desire to see if he’s…


In 1997, the popular country singer, Shania Twain, released a song entitled, “That Don’t Impress Me Much”. In the song, she touched on three out of the eight aspects of male desirability. Over three comical verses, Shania sang about being pursued by the intelligent rocket scientist, the attractive Brad Pitt, and the wealthy guy with the cool car, but how she was consistently unimpressed by their advances. The chorus showed her resolve to look past what she desired and onto what she required:

That don’t impress me much
So you got the [brains…looks…moves], but have you got the touch?
Now, don’t get me wrong, yeah, I think you’re alright
But that won’t keep me warm in the middle of the night
That don’t impress me much

Physical affection was the #1 priority on Shania’s list. No matter how intelligent, attractive, or wealthy her suitors were, when she sensed that they were not touchy and warm husband material, she showed them the door. As Christian women, we prioritize the godly man, the good man, the real man. Guys who don’t fit that description don’t impress us much. So, let’s modify our 8 traits of desirability:

  1. The Man I Require may or may not be attractive, but he MUST be conscientious. Subconsciously, we desire an attractive man because of what we believe his attractiveness represents. When we meet an attractive man, we perceive that he is polished, disciplined, and takes care of himself. But the truth is, a person can be naturally good looking, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the semblance of a man. Does he practice good hygiene, maintain a trim physique, dress sharply, walk erectly, etc? Even if he is not a conventionally sexy man, does he make an effort to present himself at his best? Such effort often points to good character. On the other hand, a man may have inherited attractive features, but if he has body odor, dresses slovenly, is out of shape, slumps his shoulders, etc., then he is not a conscientious person.

    You blind Pharisee, first clean the inside of the cup and of the dish, so that the outside of it may become clean also. – Matthew 23:26

  2. The Man I Require may or may not be charming, but he MUST be kind. Subconsciously, we desire a charming man because of what we believe his charm represents. When we meet a charming man, we perceive that he is caring, tenderhearted, and loves others selflessly. But the truth is, a person can be naturally charismatic, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the flattery of a man. Do his actions align with his flowery words? Is he one that caters to others even when no one is watching? Does he give generously, with no strings attached? Even if he is not suave or a real smooth-talker, can you identify him as a servant? God exalts such as these. But if a man only goes out of his way for people when he has a captive audience, or when he believes he can derive some personal benefit out of it, then he is not a kind person.

    For such men are slaves, not of our Lord Christ but of their own appetites; and by their smooth and flattering speech they deceive the hearts of the unsuspecting. – Romans 16:18

  3. The Man I Require may or may not be humorous, but he MUST be lighthearted. Subconsciously, we desire a humorous man because of what we believe his humor represents. When we meet a humorous man, we perceive that he is merry, jovial, and has a positive outlook on life. But the truth is, a person can be naturally amusing, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the comedic value of a man. What is his response to suffering? Can he greet the day with a smile, even when things aren’t going his way? Does he know how to lift up your spirit in times of hardship? Lots of guys are a real “barrel of laughs” when life is smooth sailing. But the ones who know how to face adversity with relentless optimism? Now those are few and far between. If a man is long on laughs but short on smiles, then he is not a lighthearted person.

    Even in laughter the heart may be in pain, and the end of joy may be grief. – Proverbs 14:13

  4. The Man I Require may or may not be intelligent, but he MUST be studious. Subconsciously, we desire an intelligent man because of what we believe his intelligence represents. When we meet an intelligent man, we perceive that he is educated, well-read, and values academic excellence. But the truth is, a person can be naturally clever, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the wit of a man. Is he an ardent truth seeker? Does he have a love for reading? Does he challenge himself by revisiting his positions from time to time? Are the men he keeps company with of a scholarly nature? A man who places an emphasis on learning is one who will continue to grow the greater, while the man who thinks he has “arrived” will decline intellectually over time. If a man remains content with the knowledge he has, then he is not a studious person.

    Give instruction to a wise man and he will be still wiser, teach a righteous man and he will increase his learning. – Proverbs 9:9

  5. The Man I Require may or may not be muscular, but he MUST be protective. Subconsciously, we desire a muscular man because of what we believe his muscularity represents. When we meet a muscular man, we perceive that he is valiant, heroic, and an advocate for women and children. But the truth is, a person can be naturally toned, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the brawn of a man. Does he step in to relieve you of heavy burdens? Is he moved when he finds out that a vulnerable person has been treated cruelly? Will he speak out against injustice and do everything in his power to make it stop? Are you confident that he would lay down his life for your family if that is what the situation demanded? True masculinity is sacrificial. If a man is just another gym rat with a six-pack, then he is not a protective person.

    When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own homestead, his possessions are undisturbed. – Luke 11:21

  6. The Man I Require may or may not be powerful, but he MUST be significant. Subconsciously, we desire a powerful man because of what we believe his power represents. When we meet a powerful man, we perceive that he is dynamic, weighty, and respected in the community. But the truth is, a person can be naturally domineering, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the station of a man. Do people genuinely care what he has to say (or are they merely afraid of crossing him)? Does he accept counsel? Is he willing to admit when he’s wrong? Are his plans laid with caution, taking into consideration the best outcome for everyone involved? Power can either be used as a tool, or a weapon. Remember this: a dictator controls, but a leader is in control. If a man bullies his way to the top, then he is not a significant person.

    But the noble man devises noble plans; and by noble plans he stands. – Isaiah 32:8

  7. The Man I Require may or may not be romantic, but he MUST be devoted. Subconsciously, we desire a romantic man because of what we believe his romance represents. When we meet a romantic man, we perceive that he is constant, faithful, and only has eyes for one woman. But the truth is, a person can be naturally amorous, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the passion of a man. Does he refrain from gawking at and flirting with other women? Is he honest with you regarding his whereabouts and how he spends his time? Can you trust him to steer clear of compromising situations? Do you know in your heart of hearts that he truly loves you? A dependable man is worth more than all the flowers and chocolates in the world. If a man tries to buy your love rather than buoy it, then he is not a devoted person.

    So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself. – Ephesians 5:28

  8. The Man I Require may or may not be wealthy, but he MUST be industrious. Subconsciously, we desire a wealthy man because of what we believe his wealth represents. When we meet a wealthy man, we perceive that he is diligent, hard-working, and driven to succeed. But the truth is, a person can be naturally affluent, and in reality possess none of these virtues. Look beyond the capital of a man. Does he have a strong work ethic? Is he willing to do whatever it takes to make ends meet? Are his resources used wisely and modestly? A bulging pocketbook does not say much about a man’s mettle. Riches can be acquired by inheritance, gambling, fraud, theft, etc. The poor man who works honestly for his bread is far richer than the freeloader who is well-to-do. If a man only breaks a sweat opening his wallet, then he is not an industrious person.

    But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith, and is worse than an unbeliever. – 1 Timothy 5:8

Suppose you meet a man who is conscientious, kind, lighthearted, studious, protective, significant, devoted, and industrious. Is He a Jolly Good Fellow? Girl, I hope I hear wedding bells ringing in your future…because it sounds to me like you’ve found yourself a godly man, a good man, a real man.

In conclusion…

Is he “the one”? He may be the man you desire, but is he the man you require?

Is He a Jolly Good Fellow? If the answer is “yes”, then hold onto that man for dear life! If the answer is “no”, then you’d better adopt the attitude of Emperor Kuzco in Disney’s The Emperor’s New Groove:

Oh, and by the way, you’re fired.

…

You’re being let go. Your department’s being downsized. You’re part of an outplacement. We’re going in a different direction. We’re not picking up your option. Take your pick. I got more.

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.


It is in loving, not in being loved,
The heart is blessed;
It is in giving, not in seeking gifts,
We find our quest.
Whatever be thy longing or thy need,
That do thou give.
So shalt thy soul be fed, and thou, indeed,
Shalt truly live.

– “In Giving” by M.E. Russell

It’s almost that time again, folks: Valentine’s Day. Take one glance inside your local shopping center, and you’ll be bombarded by heart-shaped chocolate boxes, “be my valentine” balloons, “I love you” teddy bears, sentimental floral arrangements…and everything in various shades of red and pink. The moment Santa Claus moved out of the way, Cupid jumped on the scene. Ever since the wee hours of December 26, marketing teams across the country have been bound and determined to remind us all that we’re entering into the “season of love”. I suppose it’s about time I jump on the bandwagon.

In this month’s article, Right Back Atcha, we are going to consider an oft underrated factor of love: generosity. As M.E. Russell pointed out in our opening poem, life should be more about loving than being loved and more about giving than being given to. Jesus Himself famously stated that “it is more blessed to give than to receive.” (Acts 20:35) Why is this? While I believe there is a deeper meaning to the passage, here’s the simple answer: when I receive, I am blessed. But when I give, not only do I bless the recipient…I in turn will also be blessed of the Lord. (Proverbs 19:17) So instead of just one person being blessed, two people are blessed! Double the blessing = “more blessed”. And blessed of the Lord, at that! In God’s just economy, the givers always have a stark advantage over the takers.

Do you want to be loved? Do you want to receive? “Whatever be thy longing or thy need, that do thou give.” To put it plainly, generosity is the surefire way to get those blessings coming Right Back Atcha!

Let us learn about the 3 stages of the generous woman. In stage 1, she will be:


Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits; Who pardons all your iniquities, Who heals all your diseases; Who redeems your life from the pit; Who crowns you with lovingkindness and compassion; Who satisfies your years with good things, so that your youth is renewed like the eagle. – Psalm 103:2-5

Who among us can say that their life is not benefited in some way by the Lord? Even in the bleakest of circumstances, there is always something to be grateful for. Betsie Ten Boom (the elder sister of beloved author, Corrie Ten Boom) said while living amidst the horrors of the Holocaust, “there is no pit so deep that He [God] is not deeper still.” If only we all had the attitude of the indomitable Betsie!

The vast majority of us have so many benefits that we could spend hours tallying them all up. If you are reading this, you are likely doing so from the convenience of your electronic device. (Benefit) If I was a betting woman, I’d stake money that you are reading in the comfort of your home, or perhaps inside your vehicle. (Benefit) It’s safe to say that you’ve had a bite to eat today, or that some good food is to be expected within the next 24 hours. (Benefit) You will likely connect with somebody who loves you today. (Benefit) And if you are a Christian, you have salvation in Jesus Christ. (BENEFIT!) These are just scratching the surface of all the benefits most if not all of us here at Destress the Damsel enjoy. The list could go on to include clothing, pets, hobbies, nature, books, etc. etc. etc.

In Psalm 103, David admonished his soul not to forget a single one of God’s benefits. David knew the tendency of human beings to take our blessings for granted. He didn’t want to fall into that ever dissatisfied category of ingrates. And neither should we! Veggie Tales’ Junior Asparagus said it best: “a thankful heart is a happy heart.” When we recognize all of our blessings, joyfulness is the result.

Now, what does all this have to do with being a generous woman? Well, in order to benefit others, it is crucial that we first see ourselves as The Benefited. No one can draw from a dry well. If we have a scarcity mindset (believing that we don’t have enough) we will be stingy with our “few” resources. If we have an abundance mindset (believing that we have more than enough) we will be generous with our “many” resources. Whether we really do have little or much is often besides the point. Indeed, the wealthiest person may be the most miserly, and the poorest person the most magnanimous. So often, our mindset dictates our pocketbook…and whether or not we’re willing to share what we have.

If you are not in the habit of counting your blessings, today is the day to start. If you don’t know where to begin, take a good look at yourself. Do you have eyes with which to see? Ears with which to hear? A mouth with which to speak? Arms and legs to move about with? Thank God for these benefits! Then look around you. Are there cherished people, pets, and possessions in your home? Thank God for these benefits! Then look outside your home. Is the sun shining in the sky? Are there birds singing in the trees? Are there flowers blooming? Thank God for these benefits! These may be elementary examples, but once you start expressing gratitude, the benefits you notice will be innumerable. Make it a point to remember your benefits daily…this custom will transform your life.

Every good thing bestowed and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation, or shifting shadow. – James 1:17

Can you identify yourself as one of The Benefited? Then you have completed the first stage of the generous woman. Now it’s time to enter stage 2:


Instruct those who are rich in this present world not to be conceited or to fix their hope on the uncertainty of riches, but on God, who richly supplies us with all things to enjoy. Instruct them to do good, to be rich in good works, to be generous and ready to share. – 1 Timothy 6:17-18

In Paul’s first letter to Timothy, he ties benefits and benevolence together. Certainly, our many benefits should stir up in us a desire to be benevolent to others. (I am reminded of the hymn: Freely, freely you have received. Freely, freely give.) Generosity is the natural outpouring of gratitude. Since we know how good it feels to be blessed, we ought to seek to replicate that positive feeling in other people.

There are countless reasons people give for not being benevolent. These justifications include, “I haven’t the money“…”I haven’t the time“…”I don’t have anything worth giving“…”I don’t know what to give“…”I don’t know an occasion to give“, ad nauseam. Let’s consider each of these examples. 1.) If you haven’t the money, take stock of what you already have in your possession to spare. Do you have crafting materials with which to make a clothing item for someone? Vegetables from your garden to share? A book you enjoyed and can pass on? 2.) If you haven’t the time, consider where you can cut corners. Few of us are truly so busy we cannot make time for another person’s need. A little bit of sacrifice can go a long way in building relationships. 3.) If you don’t have anything worth giving, make sure your gifting standards aren’t too high. A benevolent gift can be as simple as a heartfelt letter decorated with fun stickers, a little secondhand item purchased at a thrift store, or even a smile or hug to the weary and downtrodden soul. 4.) If you don’t know what to give, become a “detective” of sorts. Find out what the recipient is into and work from there. Do they love cats? A cute kitty plush might make their day. Are they a writer? A beautiful journal might bring a smile. Is chocolate their weakness? A pack of their favorite candies could elicit an excited response. 5.) If you don’t know an occasion to give, don’t wait around forever! Benevolence is not reserved merely for Christmas, birthdays, etc. but is something special that can say “you’re on my mind” any time of year.

Becoming The Benevolent is really not so difficult when we remember the golden rule. (Luke 6:31) We love to be on the receiving end of benevolence, so it’s only right that we extend generosity to others. When selling items, be willing to offer reasonable discounts. After all, don’t you like it when you can buy items on sale? When dining at a restaurant and you receive quality service, leave a generous tip. After all, don’t you like it when you are well compensated for your efforts? When you notice something admirable about a person, tell them. After all, don’t you like receiving genuine compliments? When someone needs aid with a project, lend them a helping hand. After all, don’t you like it when others ease your workload? When someone is down and out due to circumstances beyond their control (i.e. a house fire or a job layoff), help lighten their financial burden. After all, don’t you like it when others step in to lift you up when you are struggling to make ends meet?

She extends her hand to the poor; and she stretches out her hands to the needy. – Proverbs 31:20

Can you identify yourself as one of The Benevolent? Then you have completed the second stage of the generous woman. Now it’s time to enter stage 3:


He has given freely to the poor; his righteousness endures forever; his horn will be exalted in honor. – Psalm 112:9

“Benedicted” is not a word we use very often perhaps, but it simply means “blessed“. You’ve probably heard of a “benediction”, which is a fancy way of saying “blessing“. The man who fears the Lord, as described in Psalm 112, is one who “has given freely to the poor“. There is a pragmatic reason scripture puts so much emphasis on helping the poor: quite frankly, they need it. But another reason is to point out that we should not give with strings attached to anyone, whether our recipient be “dirt poor”, “middle class”, or “filthy rich”. Those who give with no ulterior motive or expectation of anything in return are exactly the kind of people God is interested in returning blessings upon.

There are many different ways that the Lord may reward us for our generosity. For one thing, there is the natural effect of generosity, in which people who we have given to become inspired to give to us when the opportunity arises. (There is always an exception for ungrateful, selfish individuals.) Another way the Lord may reward us is by prospering us financially – for He sees that we use our resources for others, and not just for ourselves. Yet another way the Lord may reward us is by growing our reputation as a generous person – someone others hold in high esteem. It is important to keep in mind that rewards are not always received right away – and sometimes not in this life at all. Even so, we know that when we cast our bread on the surface of the waters, we will find it after many days. (Ecclesiastes 11:1) Generosity is not quickly forgotten or dismissed by our good Father.

In the book of Acts, Cornelius was one of The Benedicted. He was called a “devout man” and one who “feared God“. What made him worthy of such an honorable assessment? One reason is that he “gave many alms to the Jewish people“. (Acts 10:1-2) Cornelius will be remembered for all time as one of the first recorded gentiles to be granted salvation in Jesus Christ. In v. 4, Peter explains just why exactly God had his eye on Cornelius and his household. This is what he said:

Your prayers and alms have ascended as a memorial before God. – Acts 10:4b (emphasis added)

Can you identify yourself as one of The Benedicted? (If the answer is currently “no”, just remember that your day is coming!) At this point, you have completed the third stage of the generous woman.

In conclusion…

Have you been The Benefited? Then I adjure you to become The Benevolent! Have you been The Benevolent? Then I assure you will become The Benedicted! Generosity: the gift that keeps on giving.

When you devote yourself to generosity, you’ll have so many blessings coming Right Back Atcha.

The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered. – Proverbs 11:25

Now this I say, he who sows sparingly shall also reap sparingly; and he who sows bountifully shall also reap bountifully. – 2 Corinthians 9:6

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.