Destress the Damsel

A singing-bird was confined in a cage which hung outside a window, and had a way of singing at night when all other birds were asleep. One night a Bat came and clung to the bars of the cage, and asked the Bird why she was silent by day and sang only at night. “I have a very good reason for doing so,” said the Bird: “it was once when I was singing in the daytime that a fowler was attracted by my voice, and set his nets for me and caught me. Since then I have never sung except by night.” But the Bat replied, “It is no use your doing that now when you are a prisoner: if only you had done so before you were caught, you might still have been free.”

Precautions are useless after the event.

– “The Cage-Bird and The Bat”, a fable of Aesop

I am not sure where the quote originated, but it has been said that there are five things that can not be taken back: a stone after it is thrown, a word once it is spoken, an occasion once it is missed, an action when it is done, and time once it has passed. Aesop summarized these truths well in the fable above; it is far better to exercise wisdom sooner than later…before it fails to make a difference.

We are entering into a new decade…starting with the year 2020. This brings to my mind the words I have heard time and time again over the course of my life: Hindsight is 2020. A phrase people often use in a sense of regretful remembrance, “Hindsight is 2020” simply means that we often don’t see the consequences of our choices clearly until after we have reaped them. “If only I knew then what I know now”, we all think at one point or another, “I would have done some things differently”.

Of course there is no use dwelling on our past missteps unless it is to grow and learn from them. But how can we help those younger or less experienced than ourselves to avoid following the wrong path; from making the same poor choices many of us have made? This month I have asked myself again and again: what advice would I give to a younger me? What would I tell her so that she would step wisely in her youth?

This article is my answer. Today I share with you 20 things I would tell myself 20 years ago…

*note: for the sake of space saving, the Bible verse associated with each point will be in parenthesis with a direct link to the passage. To get the most out of this lesson, I would encourage you to read each one as time allows!

#1. Find Your Action
Make the most of the time you have been given. Plan for the future, but don’t live exclusively in it. Life is happening right now. Hone a skill, invest in a hobby, learn new facts…don’t just survive – thrive in the season you are in. (Proverbs 4:25)

#2. Find Your Admiration
Consider those in your life who most closely emulate God, and watch them closely. How do they react to negative treatment? What do they do in the face of temptation? How do they spend their time? Strive to mold yourself after their exemplary behavior. (1 Corinthians 11:1)

#3. Find Your Adoption
Get close to your Father in Heaven. Pore over His word and get to know Him with all your heart while time is on your side. Strengthen your bond with Him by praying continually. The relationship you build early will help to sustain you through later seasons of busyness. (Ecclesiastes 12:1)

#4. Find Your Appreciation
Gratitude is an important virtue in the life of a Christian! Be thankful for the things you are given, as well as the things you already possess. These things may be material items, or they may be blessings in your life that are invisible to the naked eye: such as God’s grace, the love of family and friends, a sound mind, etc. We aren’t *entitled* to any of these things, and we should feel, show, and verbalize appreciation for them often!
(Psalm 100:4)

#5. Find Your Caution
For every good and honest man, there are 999 tricksters waiting to deceive you. Don’t fall for every line some cute boy whispers in your ear…let the fruit of a guy’s actions speak for his character, and consider the advice of wise counselors who notice red flags. (1 John 3:7)

#6. Find Your Conviction
As you mature, it is vital to be building your own faith instead of borrowing your parents’. Don’t merely take someone else’s word for what the Bible says…study it for yourself and make sure your life matches up to what you read in the scriptures. Even if you have to step out alone, do the right thing and follow God with total fervency. Ignore the naysayers. (Luke 14:26)

#7. Find Your Devotion
Be a person who is all in with commitments. Whether it comes to our relationships with friends and family, our attitude towards the church, our attitude towards our jobs, or most of all, our relationship with the Lord; if we have a true-blue, faithful spirit, our rewards will be great. Those who possess an unfaithful spirit burn every bridge until they are at last alone and miserable. Those who endure hardships and stay true to the end will find light at the end of their every tunnel. (Psalm 31:23)

#8. Find Your Discretion
Secrets divulged are not soon forgotten, and people who know too much can form powerful weapons against you. Even a well-trusted friend can mishandle information when pressed, so it is often best to have a level of mystery when it comes to matters of great personal importance. Give your deepest, darkest secrets to God…His knowledge of you is enough.
(Proverbs 2:11)

#9. Find Your Education
Consider what you really want to learn, and go for it! Not only do young brains retain the most information, but those in their youth often have more time to dedicate to learning. Maybe you want to learn to play an instrument, or speak a foreign language, or how to cook, or play a sport. Whatever it is that intrigues you, take the time to educate yourself…you may learn a skill that will be a joy to you for years to come.
(Ecclesiastes 9:10)

#10. Find Your Emotion
Teach yourself early what is and isn’t worth getting upset over. Discipline your thoughts to accept circumstances less than your ideal. Plans will be cancelled. People will hurt your feelings. Dreams will fall by the wayside. We can still choose joy and rise above the pain of the moment.
(Proverbs 15:15)

#11. Find Your Fiction
Read, read, read. Good, wholesome books will build character and leave a lasting impression on your psyche long after the cover is closed. Books open our mind to the world of valor and virtue, helping us rise to the heights of our favorite heroes from tales tucked away in our heart forever.
(Job 19:23-24)

#12. Find Your Identification
It’s easy to get wrapped up in what everyone else thinks about us, to the point that we are afraid to show any originality and end up following the herd. If we are talking about matters of opinion (not matters of sin), grow a backbone and be yourself! Whether we’re talking about taste in music, books, movies, clothing, hobbies, art, etc.; express yourself and don’t worry about what the “popular crowd” thinks of your style. (Romans 14:5-6)

#13. Find Your Meditation
Set aside a special place for yourself to reset and recharge. Even the most extroverted person can benefit from some mindful time alone each day. It’s important to take a break from the constant influx of conversation and information (sans the electronics!) and simply think to oneself peacefully. It does a world of good for our mental well-being. (Ecclesiastes 4:6)

#14. Find Your Nation
Place an appropriate level of importance on current events and the state of your country. This doesn’t mean living and breathing politics; but it does mean exercising wise judgment in choosing our country’s leaders, and taking an active role (however minor) in keeping wickedness in high places to a minimum. (Philippians 2:15)

#15. Find Your Nutrition
Old habits die hard, and bad eating habits formed early are no exception. Learn to acquire a taste for wholesome, nutritious foods and lots of water! Be sure and allow for moderation, though…don’t be so uptight and strict that your diet becomes a hindrance to yourself and others, but make it a point to eat healthfully more often than not. (3 John 1:2)

#16. Find Your Occupation
Begin thinking early of how you wish to make a living in this world, and what you need to to accomplish in order to reach that goal. Many today change their major multiple times, drop in and out of college, and jump from job to job; merely because their effort to plan was minimal. Flying by the seat of one’s pants is no way to get by in life…take interest in your future. (Proverbs 14:23)

#17. Find Your Pollution
Be completely honest with yourself about your temptations and weaknesses. The sooner you come to terms with what’s wrong in you, the sooner you can set to turning things right. Don’t take the easy road and justify your sin, but accept what God has to say on the matter and start cleaning house! (Job 13:23)

#18. Find Your Section
Fair-weather friends are a dime a dozen, but true friends are a rare and precious commodity. A few traits of a faithful friend: one who is not ashamed of you in the presence of others, but is proud to acknowledge and include you; one who is there for you in your best times and worst times; one who is not afraid to call you out when you’re making bad choices. (Proverbs 17:17)

#19. Find Your Station
Join yourself to a local assembly of those who follow Christ’s teachings…His church. Just as a limb can not survive apart from the physical body, neither can a Christian survive apart from the body of Christ. Determine what your unique talents are, and roll up your sleeves and get to work right alongside your brethren! They need you, and you need them.
(1 Corinthians 12:18-20)

And the most important of all…

#20. Find Your Transformation
Above all else, be sure that you have been saved according to the pattern in scripture…that you indeed become a new creation for the Lord. Hear the word of the Lord, and believe on Him. Confess His name with your lips, and make your life a continual confession of Him. Repent and be baptized for the remission of your sins. Nothing else matters without Jesus. He is life.
(2 Corinthians 5:17)

In conclusion…

Don’t forget the tale of the cage-bird and the bat! As we enter this new decade, may your foresight be 2020.

May you find: Your action. Your admiration. Your adoption. Your appreciation. Your caution. Your conviction. Your devotion. Your discretion. Your education. Your emotion. Your fiction. Your identification. Your meditation. Your nation. Your nutrition. Your occupation. Your pollution. Your section. Your station. Your transformation!

I have written unto you, fathers, because ye have known Him that is from the beginning. I have written unto you, young men, because ye are strong, and the word of God abideth in you, and ye have overcome the wicked one. – 1 John 2:14

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

My wife is a hooker,
Of this she’s mighty proud,
And the stories of her exploits,
Are legends in our town.
She’s shameless with her talents,
She’ll go hooking anywhere,
And if people want to watch her,
She really doesn’t care.
It seems to be a family thing,
Her mother taught her how.
Seems her grandma was a hooker,
and my daughter’s hooking now.
She goes to Hookers’ meetings,
to learn the new techniques.
She starts hooking in a frenzy,
and won’t talk to me for weeks.
She doesn’t do the housework,
She doesn’t make the beds,
No she doesn’t have time for that,
She’d rather hook instead.
My wife, she is a hooker,
and I curse that awful day,
when she first picked up the hook and yarn,
and learned how to crochet!!

– Unknown

Until I read this surprising poem, I never thought the word “hooker” might be used to describe a respectable woman. I certainly would have believed “Christian hooker” to be an oxymoron of the highest degree! However, in the wonderful world of needlework, anyone can “hook” to their heart’s content with no harm done (except perhaps to the pocketbook). Crocheting is a delightful hobby, and as the poem portrays, highly addictive!

Many girls are taught the art of crochet by their mother, grandmother, aunt, or another elder woman. As for me, I was taught at the age of fourteen by my dear friend, Laney, who was thirteen at the time. You would think my friend was born with a crochet hook in her hand, for she could whip up a first-rate project faster than most women who had practiced for decades. Under her watchful eye, I learned how to chain, single crochet, double crochet, etc. She taught me a skill that has been close to my heart ever since, even during times where projects lay untouched for months due to the time restraints of adult life. I will always be thankful for her patient guidance.

A few months ago, after quite a long reprieve, I got the itch to get back into my yarn stash and begin a new project. It sent our family on a hooking frenzy…from the eldest to the youngest. Anyone who knows my detail-oriented husband will not be surprised to hear that he does beautiful work! Our ten and eleven year old have caught on with lightning-speed as well. With this crochet fever running rampant in our home, I find myself impelled to seek spiritual truths from the crochet basket.

• So, what can we learn about the Lord when it comes to crocheting?
• Do you long to be “Hooked on Him”?
• It all comes down to how you S.T.I.T.C.H.! Want to learn more?

The first thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. – Colossians 3:14

The first letter in our acrostic is simple to remember…the very stitch itself! Every crocheter knows that without stitches, a project is irrelevant. In fact, without stitches, there can be no project at all! We can buy all the yarn, hooks, and accessories that money can buy; but until the stitches come together under the creative hand of the crocheter, we have nothing more than a wasted pile of potential. It is through the joining of many stitches that a useful, completed project of beauty can be attained.

The same is true of Christians. The Creator of mankind can only make a project of us when we submit under His hand and join forces with other stitches of His grand tapestry. When we bind ourselves together with other Christians, the opportunities are endless! We the church, can only fulfill His plan for our lives when we are held together by the perfect bond of Christ’s love.

The second thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

Let your moderation be known unto all men. The Lord is at hand.
– Philippians 4:5

One important trait of a skilled crocheter is the ability to control tension. This simply means that their stitches are consistent and balanced throughout…not too tight, and not too loose. Make your stitches too tight, and you will have a stiff creation with no give, one that’s very difficult to work with. Make your stitches too loose, and you will have a floppy mess with no definition. A happy medium is key.

The same is true of Christians. We are neither to be too legalistic, nor too liberal. Our Savior rebuked those Pharisees who bound areas meant to be loosed…and likewise, He admonished sinners who loosed areas meant to be bound. In order to prevent veering left or right, we should strive to be a people who follow scripture – not opinions. The opinions of a judgmental mind lead to legalism, while the opinions of a wicked mind lead to liberalism. Let us hold the proper tension: not too tight, and not too loose.

The third thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

He must increase, but I must decrease. – John 3:30

The only way to make a crochet project expand is to increase your stitch count. If I continually crochet 50 stitches per row in a project, it stands to reason that I will produce an article that has 50 stitches per row…the same size throughout. I can not logically expect to broaden my rows unless I increase my stitch count to 51 or more. At the same time, I can not expect my rows to decrease in size unless I decrease my stitch count to 49 or less. If I want a smaller or larger piece, I must plan accordingly.

The same is true of Christians. The Lord will only increase in our life if we make a concerted effort to grow our faith. Likewise, we will not decrease unless we consciously decide to quench our old ways and put sin behind us. We can not forsake our bibles, prayer time, and worship, and yet expect God to be increased in our lives. It’s not logical. Neither can we keep on living any old way and expect our old man to die a natural death…he must be crucified. Nothing will change until we decide to make it happen.

The fourth thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

You shall not wear a material mixed of wool and linen together.
– Deuteronomy 22:11 (NASB)

Have you ever tried to mix two completely different types of yarn together…differing either by weight or by material? I have, and the result was most unappealing! Whether you try mixing cotton and polyester, polyester and wool, wool and acrylic, or any other manner of combinations…it is very evident to even an untrained eye that something is amiss. Now, a mixture of color is a beautiful thing, but you don’t want to go mixing textiles!

The same is true of Christians. The Old Testament verse cited above may seem to have been an odd and unreasonable law. One might wonder if such a law was really necessary?! Yet, just as with all the Mosaic laws…God was shadowing an important spiritual truth through a physical manifestation. The meaning for New Testament Christians is the importance of purity and unity in the faith. We have the liberty in Christ to express our unique personalities through various arrays of color…but when it comes down to our basic makeup (what we believe about Christ and act out in faithful obedience), we are to be perfectly one and the same as our brother.

The fifth thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

According to the grace of God which is given unto me, as a wise masterbuilder, I have laid the foundation, and another buildeth thereon. But let every man take heed how he buildeth thereupon, For other foundation can no man lay than that is laid, which is Jesus Christ. – 1 Corinthians 3:10-11

Your chain is the foundation upon which your entire crochet project is built upon. As all crocheters have learned the hard way, to do a shoddy job on the foundation chain is to doom your entire project to inferiority. Even if it takes time to get it right, it’s better to get your chain right the first time than have to unravel rows and rows of stitches because that faulty foundation chain is twisting up your whole project.

The same is true of Christians. It is vital that we lay our foundation after Christ, for as the scripture says…it’s the only acceptable way to build. We can do so much beautiful work…day after day, but our project will be all twisted if we don’t lay the right foundation. It won’t be right with God. Good works are futile unless we are sincerely saved. Save yourself the work of unraveling all your work by getting your faith right from the beginning! If you have any questions on how to be saved, please refer to this article: Buy Four, Get One Free.

The sixth thing to be mindful of in both crochet and Christianity is your…

Till we all come in the unity of the faith, and of the knowledge of the Son of God, unto a perfect man, unto the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ. – Ephesians 4:13

For our final point, we will consider the hook which we choose for our project. Crochet hooks can vary in size from the B hook at a mere 2.25 mm, all the way up to a U hook at a whopping 25 mm! As you can imagine, these measurements are very important when choosing which hook corresponds to which yarn. A hook that is too large will destroy thin, delicate yarn…and a hook that is too small will be unable to grip a bulky yarn. It’s important to select a Goldilocks hook for every project…the one that is “just right”, of course. A foolproof method is to simply read the directions on your yarn skein (if you remembered to save the wrapper)!

The same is true of Christians. We can try to match our size up with Christ by merely guessing, but that leaves our measurements off every time. When we skip the guesswork and humbly read the directions (God’s word), we will find the measurements to be just right. As the scripture highlights, we need unity with Him and knowledge of Him in order to be linked up to Him. Once the sizing is right, things will be much more smooth sailing until the finalization of your mutual project.

In Conclusion…

To be “Hooked on Him”, always be mindful of:

Your Stitch
Your Tension
Your Increase
Your Textile
Your Chain
Your Hook

For, as the old saying goes… “A stitch in time may save nine!”

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

I stepped in something yucky
As I walked by the crick.
I grabbed a stick to scrape it off,
The yuck stuck to my stick.
I tried to pull it off the stick,
The yuck stuck to my hand.
I tried to wash it off – but it
Stuck to the washin’ pan.
I called my dog to pull me loose,
The yuck stuck to his fur.
He rubbed himself against the cat,
The yuck got stuck to her.
My friends and neighbors came to help –
Now all of us are stuck,
Which goes to show what happens
When one person steps in yuck.

“Yuck” by Shel Silverstein

Have you ever “stepped in yuck” during the holiday season? I guarantee most of us have. I’m not referring to a rotten banana peel, a chewed-up piece of gum, or some far grosser substance on the ground. I’m talking about stepping into a yucky attitude. Been there, done that, right?

The holidays are touted up as being “the most wonderful time of the year”, but all it takes is for one person to step in yuck, and chaos quickly ensues. Oftentimes, it’s the stressed-out lady in the kitchen who steps in it first. We’ve all heard the expression, “if Mama ain’t happy, ain’t nobody happy”…the Bible affirms this unfortunate reality. (Proverbs 21:19; 14:1) Women have a powerful influence over their family’s emotions, and we can choose whether to build up or tear down our homes by our attitudes.

Thanksgiving is meant to be a time of giving thanks for all the many blessings that we have in Christ. However, when we allow ourselves to get stuck in yuck, I’m afraid we are only thankful in theory. Our words are saying “thank you”, but our actions prove otherwise.

So what’ll it be, Ladies? What kind of wife and mother will you be this Thanksgiving 2019? The way I see it, there are two choices. Would you prefer to be…

Thanksgiving dinner’s sad and thankless. Christmas dinner’s dark and blue. When you stop and try to see it from the turkey’s point of view.

– Shel Silverstein

A step-by-step guide for the aspiring turkey:

Step 1: Stay up too late on Thanksgiving Eve.
If you want to be a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, make sure not to get an adequate amount of rest the night before. Make sure all of your prepping is done last minute so that you feel completely overwhelmed and unprepared for the task before you. (Extra points if you stay up all night!)

Step 2: Stress out over every single detail.
If you want to be a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, demand perfection. Your husband began thawing the turkey an hour later than necessary? Freak out. Your child mixed up the forks and spoons when setting the table? Freak out. You misplaced your Great Aunt’s heirloom gravy dish and were forced to use something else? Freak out. Nothing shows thankfulness like a good old fashioned pity party.

Step 3: Stick to your expectations at all costs.
If you want to be a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, idolize your expectations. If you have a plan for how the day will look, follow that plan to the letter. Do not allow anything to get in the way of your ideal schedule, including your husband and children. Allow yourself to lash out in anger if when something inevitably goes awry.

Step 4: Stew over any and all grievances.
If you want to be a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, hold on to your frustrations for dear life. If someone in the family ruffles your feathers, don’t let that go! Milk it as long as possible and let everyone know just how put off you are. After all, since they upset your Thanksgiving, it’s only fair to upset theirs right back!

Step 5: Stop focusing on what the day is about.
If you want to be a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, make the holiday more worldly than spiritual. Focus on your wants, first and foremost. How much you want to enjoy the feast, how good you want to look to company with your lavish setup, the good time you want to have. As long as you say one thing you are thankful for, it will erase all the selfishness of the day.

And there you have it, Friends! As long as you follow this simple five step program, you will be a tired out turkey for sure. I’ll even let you in on a little secret…faithfully following even one of these five steps will help you achieve the desired results!

Now…tongue-in-cheek language aside, surely this is not the wife and mother you want to be this Thanksgiving. Yet it can quickly happen to any of us if we allow ourselves to step in yuck. Watch your step, Ladies! Don’t allow your idea of a grand Thanksgiving to become a stumbling block to you…it’s not worth it:

Better is a dry morsel and quietness with it than a house full of feasting and strife. – Proverbs 17:1 (NASB)

Instead of being a tired out turkey this Thanksgiving, wouldn’t you rather be…

Being a Christian is like being a pumpkin. God picks you from the patch and brings you in. Then He washes all of the dirt off of you. He opens you up and scoops out all of the yucky stuff. He removes the seeds of doubt, hate, and greed. Then he carves you a new smiling face. He puts His light inside you to shine for all the world to see.

– Unknown

A step-by-step guide for the aspiring pumpkin:

Step 1: Get the rest that your soma, soul, and spirit needs.
If you want to be a pepped up pumpkin this Thanksgiving, take care of yourself beforehand by getting an appropriate amount of sleep. Prepare for the big day as much as you can in the days leading up to it, but don’t panic if you have to let some things fall by the wayside in order to turn in for the night. If you run out of time, call it a loss and keep moving right along. A meal is not a life-or-death situation, and a side dish is not worth your sanity.

Step 2: Give grace to yourself and others.
If you want to be a pepped up pumpkin this Thanksgiving, calm your spirit. So he was a little late in thawing out the turkey, big deal. It will be that much more delicious after the wait. Honor your man and bite your tongue. So the silverware’s a little wonky, big deal. Show your child the way you want it done, fix it yourself, or roll with it. So you had to use a different gravy dish, big deal. Be thankful you have gravy, and determine to have your Great Aunt’s heirloom dish in its place next year. Peace reigns when we learn to roll with the punches.

Step 3: Grin and bear the setbacks.
If you want to be a pepped up pumpkin this Thanksgiving, have a sense of humor. Life rarely works out the way we think it will, even on a day-to-day basis. Be flexible and don’t lose heart if something in the day doesn’t go as planned. A child gets sick…people show up late…no one’s interested in the family game you picked out…these little disturbances are all part of life. Lower those expectations and enjoy the day for what it is; not what you had hoped it would be.

Step 4: Grow a backbone.
If you want to be a pepped up pumpkin this Thanksgiving, come equipped with a forgiving heart. It’s almost inevitable that someone will rub you the wrong way at some point during the holiday. Whether it’s your husband that insulted your green bean casserole, your overbearing uncle who wants to argue politics, or your moody teenage daughter who is giving you the cold shoulder; let it go. Don’t take everything so personally and choose to act out in anger. Be the blessing you wish others would be to you; be like Jesus.

Step 5: Guide the way to thankfulness.
If you want to be a pepped up pumpkin this Thanksgiving, remember why you are celebrating in the first place. Sure, we all like the delicious food, the beautiful decor, and the chance to gather for a special occasion with loved ones. Yet in and of themselves, these things are quickly fleeting. True meaning is given to the occasion only when viewed through the lens of a thankful heart towards the Lord. Teach this to your children, and emulate it in a submissive spirit towards your husband. Make the day count.

A pumpkin of a woman can turn even the most humble Thanksgiving table to a feast of blessing with her cheerful and lovely disposition. How much better Thanksgiving (and our lives) will be if we all aspire each and every day to be pumpkins rather than turkeys!

Better is a dinner of herbs where love is, than a stalled ox and hatred therewith. – Proverbs 15:17

In Conclusion…

Let each and every one of us commit to being thankful people this year. Not only thankful in theory, but truly thankful in word and in deed. Let us watch our steps carefully so we don’t go “stepping in yuck” this holiday season. Remember, we want to be pumpkins, not turkeys. Let us keep these words ever before our minds so we remember what’s truly important:

Better is little with the fear of the Lord than great treasure and trouble therewith. – Proverbs 15:16

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.