Destress the Damsel

“…Don’t tell me you’re sorry, ’cause you’re not
Baby, when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow.”

– Chorus from “Take a Bow” by Rihanna 

This song accurately describes how empty apologies often are…they can be so fake that it’s like watching a theatrical performance! Our society has found itself in a “sorry” situation: one where apologizing has been diminished to nothing more than meaningless words that are not backed up by action. Most of us have probably been guilty of giving a hollow apology at one time or another, as well as being on the receiving end of one. People nowadays say “sorry” for a myriad of reasons, but the least of these reasons tends to be a truly penitent heart.

Am I saying that the word “sorry” should be thrown out with yesterday’s trash? Well, not exactly. The words “I’m sorry”, just like the words “I love you”, can be devoid of any semblance of truth. On the flip side, these words can be filled with the utmost sincerity. The words don’t hold the power, but rather, the person speaking them. I believe that “sorry” can be reclaimed as a meaningful word if it is used honestly and appropriately.

“It’s not that ‘sorry’ doesn’t mean anything; it just doesn’t mean anything when some people say it… Don’t be one of those people.”– Steve Maraboli

How can you be sure that you are truly sorry when you apologize to someone, and not “only sorry you got caught”? In today’s lesson, we will discover the three characteristics of a genuine “sorry”. Characteristic #1:

The term “hard and fast” is defined as: a rule or distinction that is fixed/definitive.

When we use the word “sorry”, we are in essence saying, “My action was wrong, therefore I am definitively purposing to amend my path.” We are implying that, “it won’t happen again”. Is it possible that we will fail to keep this resolution? Absolutely…we humans tend to stumble and fall back into sinful behavior more often than not. However, even if we fail at times to uphold the changed behavior we have resolved to keep, overall there will be a change in us too great to escape notice. We may fall, but we fall far less frequently. We may fall, but we stand up quicker than before. We may fall, but we no longer justify our actions. There is definitively a new “us”, one that is fixed on redeeming our past errors and no longer residing in them unashamedly.

“Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless.” – Bryan Davis

When we fail, saying “sorry” is a good start, but it must be coupled with a hard-and-fast sacrifice…otherwise, our words are deceitful.

Imagine this scenario…someone accidentally bumps into you with their shopping cart at the grocery store, in Aisle 1. They quickly say, “sorry!”. You both proceed to Aisle 2, where that same shopper bumps into you with their cart again, and then says, “sorry!” You then move to Aisle 3 – where lo and behold – the selfsame shopper comes barreling into you with their cart and says yet again, “sorry!” You might begin to assume that “sorry” doesn’t have a lot of weight coming from the other shopper. The word comes out easily, but they have not made any attempt to watch where they are going.

Now let’s re-imagine the scenario…someone accidentally bumps into you with their shopping cart at the grocery store, in Aisle 1. They quickly say, “sorry!” You both proceed to Aisle 2, where the same shopper almost bumps into you with their cart again, and then says, “boy, that was a close one – I better watch where I’m going!”. You then move to Aisle 3, where the selfsame shopper leaves a wide path for you to get through and says with an apologetic laugh, “I’m not risking running into you again – you go on ahead!”

In which scenario was the “sorry” genuine? Sure, the other shopper was somewhat unaware in both scenes, maybe even a bit of a klutz, but the concerted effort to change is noticeable in scene 2. The shopper noticed their clumsiness and made their “sorry” hard-and-fast, so they would not continue to make the same mistake. It is much the same with more serious infractions. We don’t go from flawed to perfect overnight…but can others see that we are definitively being transformed to betterment?

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” – Tyron Edwards

Did you use a disrespectful tone towards your husband? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by resolving to show him a more meek and quiet spirit next time. Did you show up late when meeting with a friend? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by leaving the house earlier next time. Did you forget to follow through on a favor for a colleague? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by writing yourself a note or setting a phone reminder next time. Do you see a pattern? “Sorry” is all about next time…what we do to change our behavior after the damage has already been done.

…Behold, thou art made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee. – John 5:14b [emphasis mine]

When you say, “sorry”, is it hard-and-fast? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

Now, for Characteristic #2:

The term “hand over fist” is defined as: something given quickly and in large amounts. 

When we realize we owe an apology to someone, it ought to be done as soon as possible and as lavishly as possible. If we have hurt someone, it should spur in us a desire to make it up to them…generously! A haphazard, too-little-too-late kind of sorry is insulting to the one who has been wronged. What’s worse is a sorry coupled with a slew of excuses. The word “sorry”, should never be followed by the word, “but”.

“Apologies require taking full responsibility. No half-truths, no partial admissions, no rationalizations, no finger pointing, and no justifications belong in an apology.” – Cathy Burnham Martin

I used to know an individual who could not leave an apology at “I’m sorry”. Whenever they acted cruelly during a disagreement, they would casually apologize, but then point the blame at me for supposedly instigating their volatile behavior. Instead of admitting their own negative actions, they used the “apology” as a chance to further argue and belittle. This unpleasant past experience has taught me, in Golden Rule fashion, not to treat others to the faux sort of apology that comes with a catch. When I apologize, I try to make a point to humble myself enough to only focus on what I did wrong to another, not what another did wrong to me. The funny thing is, when we apologize to others in such a humble way, they often tend to be convicted to the point of returning the apology (if they bore any negative role in the situation). Everyone comes out a winner when humility takes the place of defensive pride.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” – Benjamin Franklin

In parenting, some feel hesitant to apologize for losing their cool or being overtly harsh when their child misbehaves. They are afraid that if they apologize, it will make their child feel justified in their bad behavior or lose the sense of their parent’s authority. I have found that quite the opposite is true. When we apologize to our children, it not only shows them our humanity, but it models how to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness when they have done wrong. Whatever you do, resist the urge to use an apology as a springboard for a lecture. This falls back into the “I’m sorry, but…” routine. Such an apology will only raise your child’s ire and your words will go in one ear and out the other. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you really did a bad thing, etc. etc…”, try this: “I’m sorry Mommy yelled at you. I really overreacted and I shouldn’t have been so harsh towards you.” and leave it at that. When I have taken this softhearted approach, my child has never failed to respond in kind…”No Mommy, I am the one who did wrong…I’m sorry, too”. You both get the apology you are owed, and in so doing, you will have won the heart of your child.

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

When you say, “sorry”, is it hand-over-fist? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

Now, for Characteristic #3:

The term heartfelt is defined as: something that is deeply and strongly felt; a sincere feeling.

While feelings should never be the only thing impelling an apology, it is certain that an apology devoid of any feeling is an untruth, and sickening to the recipient. We should only offer apologies after we have trained our emotions to empathize with the individual we have hurt, that our “sorry” will be in earnest.

We’ve all seen two children being forced to give an apology to each other whilst holding onto rotten attitudes. The tell-tale signs of a lack of authenticity abound: heads turning dramatically away from the other child, rolling eyes, frowning lips, and pitiful “sorry’s” spoken in nearly inaudible mumbles. A sad sight! I hold that forcing untimely apologies is a poor parenting technique, for it only serves to train the children to say words that they don’t mean. How much better to teach the child to first gain hold of their feelings and then to give an authentic apology from the heart?

“When anger and bitterness overpower your goodness, you can neither apologize nor forgive.”– Balroop Singh

Children aren’t the only ones who struggle to feel sorry in the heat of the moment. What should you do when you don’t feel sorry, but you know you should be sorry? Well, knowing is half the battle, right? Once you know that you have done wrong, the next line of action is to work on training your emotions to follow that knowledge. Pray to the Lord and ask that he would soften you enough to feel in your heart what you know is right in your spirit. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes…think about how hurtful your behavior was from their perspective. Sometimes it’s even helpful to talk to the other person (especially if it is a close loved one you can trust). Confess to them that, while you know you have hurt them, you are in a dark space and struggling to gain a foothold on your feelings about the matter. Assure them that you love them and that this conversation is not over…only put on pause until you have effectively conquered your heart issue. When you gain your composure and your heart is soft, you can approach them with a true apology from the heart…a weight lifted for both you and them.

“Saying sorry to someone is hard… but putting your pride down for someone is the hardest.”– Cristina Orante

Say no to these faux statements:

“I’m sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry, I guess…”
“I’m sorry you’re mad…”

None of these pitiful apologies will do in the life of a Christian. Let your apology be sincere and in earnest, or let it be put on hold.

For thou desirest not sacrifice, else would I give it…the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart… – excerpt from Psalm 51:16-17

When you say, “sorry”, is it heart-felt? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

In conclusion…

Not sure whether you’re “sorry”, or “only sorry you got caught”? Remember, in order to be genuine, a sorry must be hard-and-fast, hand-over-fist, and heart-felt. Without these three vital characteristics, we are merely in a “sorry” situation. Make your words count. Saying sorry can bring healing to others, if we show we truly mean it with our changing actions…if we take full responsibility for our error…and if it is offered from the heart. If you owe someone an apology, don’t withhold it from them any longer. Go make peace.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. – Matthew 5:9

For God’s glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

The first line of action in a dental appointment is to scrape away the pesky plaque and tartar that builds up on teeth in between appointments. No matter how healthy of an eater a patient may be, none are immune from sugars building up on their teeth and causing decay. The dentist must scrape away the filth in order to get our pearly whites back to a clean and healthy state.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of removing filth. No matter how godly an individual may be, none are immune to sin that builds up and causes spiritual decay:

They are all gone aside, they are all together become filthy: there is none that doeth good, no, not one. – Psalm 14:3

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #2:

The second line of action in a dental appointment is to furbish the teeth with a high-powered electric brush. This scrubs away at any remaining plaque and tartar that may have been left behind after the scraping/scaling, leaving the teeth squeaky clean and polished.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of furbishing. He doesn’t merely scrape away the filth that is on the surface, but he scrubs and polishes until that which is underneath the surface is whiter than snow.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. – Psalm 51:7

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #3:

The third line of action in a dental appointment is to administer a professional floss between the teeth. Plaque and tartar can hide away in hard to reach spots that can only be reached by flossing. The flossing process can also help detect any problem spots where excessive bleeding might occur that points to gum disease.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the flossing business. He is concerned about cleaning up those “in-between” areas of our spirit…the places where we have become hard to reach because of some hidden sin we are clinging on to.

…cleanse thou me from secret faults. – Psalm 19:12b 

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #4:

The fourth line of action in a dental appointment is to flush out debris by rinsing the mouth out with clean water. After all that scraping, polishing, and flossing, one can only imagine how much icky residue is still left behind!

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of flushing away debris. Even after our filth has been removed, and our furbishing and flossing have been taken care of, there is still bound to be some gunk in our spirit moving forward. It comes with the fleshly territory. Thank goodness Jesus has the power to rinse it away.

Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you. – Ezekiel 36:25

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #5:

The fifth and final line of action in a dental appointment is to coat the teeth with a fluoride treatment. This is meant to serve as a protective barrier against cavities for several months in between cleanings.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of fluoride treatment. He doesn’t merely clean us up and hit the road, but he covers and equips us by providing us with protective barriers against further decay. (i.e. the Bible, the Holy Spirit, our church family, the fruit of the Spirit, the armor of God, etc.)

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. – John 14:18-19

In conclusion…

Next time you pay a visit the dentist, I hope you will be reminded of the “Dentist” that wants to pay a visit to you.

How is your Heavenly Hygiene? Are you due for an appointment with Jesus? He is more than qualified to deal with the filth, the furbish, the floss, the flush, and the fluoride. And get this – He is so concerned with your Heavenly Hygiene that He will come visit you wherever you are. Now that is one determined dentist! If you have questions about how to become a “patient” of Jesus, please visit my past article entitled “Buy Four, Get One Free“.

And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. – 1 Thessalonians 5:23

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

I returned, and saw under the sun, that the race is not to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, neither yet bread to the wise, nor yet riches to men of understanding, nor yet favour to men of skill; but time and chance happeneth to them all. – Ecclesiastes 9:11

My dear friend and sister in Christ, Pat, often says, “we all take our turn.” That is exactly what the verse above is saying. We ought not to covet after those who appear to have more speed, strength, wisdom, understanding, skills, etc. than we do, for each and every one of us will have our time to shine. We all experience highs and lows, and you can wager that no matter how good “the other guy” seems to have it, he has his own unique set of problems that we don’t see on the surface.

That guy who has his gorgeous house paid off? Perhaps he’s working 60 hours a week just to scrape by and pay off his massive property tax. Maybe his wife and kids just wish that Daddy could spend more time at home instead of at the office. That lady who always brings the perfectly decorated cupcakes to the neighborhood fundraiser? Perhaps she botched up her first batch and then spent a half hour stewing over it while her kids avoided “poking the bear”. That man who has the most beautiful wife hanging on his arm? Perhaps at home she nags him mercilessly..berating him and critiquing his every move. That popular girl who draws the attention of every Tom, Dick, & Harry? Perhaps she cries in her room at night just wishing she could find her dream guy that isn’t so shallow and worldly.

Let’s face it, it’s highly unlikely that the small glimpse we see into another’s public life reveals their whole story. Before we are so quick to say “the grass is greener for the other guy”, let us wager his lows.

…He maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and the unjust. – Matthew 5:45b

If ever you are tempted to covet another person’s circumstances, you must…

Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as ye have: for he hath said, I will never leave thee, nor forsake thee. – Hebrews 13:5

Now, let’s look at the other side of the coin. Let’s say you are right…the grass really is greener for the other guy. He has zero problems, a life of total ease, and everything he could possibly want. Now what? Would such a situation justify coveting? Absolutely not, because in so doing, we will have forgotten that God is the author of our blessings. To covet after another man’s lot is to wipe away the providential lot we have been given, and to selfishly reach for more than the Lord has allowed us to obtain presently.

Coveting is based on this faulty idea that we deserve to have someone else’s blessings. Yet, if we are being honest with ourselves, we will realize that we really don’t deserve anything in life. The difficult truth is this: the only thing we sinners “deserve” is Hell. If we have found salvation in Jesus Christ, we already have far more than what we deserve. When we stop looking at what we don’t have and start looking at what we do have – the amazing promise that God will never leave or forsake those who are committed to Him – we will count ourselves very blessed indeed. When covetous thoughts creep in, we need to whisper God’s love to ourselves and be reminded of how much we truly have from Him and in Him.

Furthermore, we need to whisper to ourselves of God’s love for “the other guy”. After all, is he not also a child of the Most High? Would we be so self-centered as to wish to deprive him of his God-given blessings? Rather, we are called to have true joy for the successes of others. Before we are so quick to say, “the grass is always greener for the other guy”, let us whisper God’s love.

Rejoice with them that do rejoice… – Romans 12:15a

If ever you are tempted to covet another person’s circumstances, you must…

And the Lord said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen? If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door… – Genesis 4:6-7a

There is an anonymous phrase I see floating around on social media from time to time. It says something to this effect: “You may think the grass is greener on the other side, but if you would take the time to water your own grass, it would be just as green.” There are times where our “grass” (our life circumstance) becomes brown and lifeless, and it is entirely of our own doing. We may recognize that others seem to have it more together than we do, because, well…they do! Sometimes the successes of others can be wake-up calls for areas that need great improvement in our lives. It can be very painful to realize our shortcomings, but these realizations can provide much growth if we let them.

If we see someone that has a great deal more Bible knowledge than we do, we might be tempted to covet. Instead, we should recognize that we are lagging behind in our own study and need to spend more time in God’s word. If we see someone who has a more glorious and loving marriage than we do, we might be tempted to covet. Instead, we should try to emulate their example by molding more perfectly into the God-given roles for husbands and wives. If we see someone who has more well-behaved and respectful children than we do, we might be tempted to covet. Instead, we should get more serious about our own call to train up our children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Coveting is the lazy man’s way out of taking responsibility. It’s easy to blame our poor circumstances on sheer luck, when it may in fact be our own imperfections that are getting in the way of the more abundant life we could be living. Before we are so quick to say, “the grass is always greener for the other guy”, let us water our lawn.

Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain. – 1 Corinthians 9:24

In conclusion…

If ever you should find yourself overtaken by “Grass is Greener Syndrome”, call to mind these three covet-curbing tricks:

Wager His Lows
Whisper God’s Love
Water Your Lawn

And instead of focusing on the other fellow’s yard, remember what great things God is doing for yours…

“He maketh me to lie down in green pastures…” – Psalm 23:2a

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.