Destress the Damsel

Where cross the lines of forty north
And fifty-fourteen west
There rolls a wild and greedy sea
With death upon its crest.
No stone or wreath from human hands
Will ever mark the spot
Where fifteen hundred men went down,
But Manhood perished not.

Old Ocean takes but little heed
Of human tears or woe.
No shafts adorn the ocean graves,
Nor weeping willows grow.
Nor is there need of marble slab
To keep in mind the spot
Where noble men went down to death,
But Manhood perished not!

Those men who looked on death and smiled,
And trod the crumbling deck,
Have saved much more than precious lives
From out that awful wreck.
Though countless joys and hopes and fears
Were shattered at a breath,
‘Tis something that the name of Man
Did not go down to death.

‘Tis not an easy thing to die,
E’en in the open air,
Twelve hundred miles from home and friends,
In a shroud of black despair.
A wreath to crown the brow of man,
And hide a former blot
Will ever blossom o’er the waves
Where Manhood perished not.

– “Where Manhood Perished Not”, a poem about the Titanic by Harvey F. Thew (1883-1946)

Manhood is a virtue. It was manhood that caused the noble men on the Titanic to say, “women and children first”. It was manhood that compelled them to fearlessly face death in the icy waters of the Atlantic. It was manhood that made them choose the ill-fate of sacrifice over selfishness. Men are a remarkable lot, but this is too soon forgotten – by men and women alike – who have bought into the feminist narrative of this world. “Toxic Masculinity”, as the powers-that-be call it, is considered a blight on society and an enemy of humankind. I beg to differ. If masculinity is to blame for the ills of society, it is not the toxicity of said masculinity, but the absolute lack thereof. This world needs manhood.

The 17^th of August will bring about another blessed wedding anniversary for my husband and me – and our anniversary month has given me the perfect excuse to express a counter-cultural admiration for my man’s “intoxicating masculinity”. This August installment of Destress the Damsel comes to you in the form of a “listicle”: 15 things I love about my man.

“Um, what can a brag session like that possibly teach me?!” you might be asking.

Don’t worry; this isn’t your normal run-of-the-mill brag session (though I don’t need much prodding to brag about my hubby). Rather, my hope for all wives reading this list is that they are inspired to recognize and celebrate at least some of the following qualities in their own husbands. Ladies: if you are willing to look at your man with eyes of love, you are sure to find some quality to appreciate in him.

A man has many parts, he is virtually everything, and you are free to select in him that part which pleases you.

– Saint-Exupéray, The Wisdom of the Sands (1948)

Genuine appreciation is one of the most beautiful qualities of femininity – it will both aid your husband’s attraction for you, and make you a more joyful woman. Allow me to guide your thoughts toward your own husband as I brag on mine. Here are 5 things I love about…

I Love His Strength. My feminine psyche is intrigued by the fact that my husband could pick me up and throw me like a sack of potatoes if he wanted to. His muscles are specially designed for strenuous labor. He can lift objects that are too heavy for my girlish frame, he can open any jar without breaking a sweat, and his physical endurance will outlast me every time. His masculine strength is intoxicating.

Where no oxen are, the manger is clean, but much revenue comes by the strength of the ox. – Proverbs 14:4

I Love His Size. When my husband holds me, I feel safe and secure in his protective arms. His size is superior to me in every way. He’s taller, broader; he has larger hands, larger arms, etc. He can fend off enemies far better than I ever could, and it is comforting to know that I have a man watching guard over me day and night. His masculine size is intoxicating.

Until we all attain…to a mature man, to the measure of the stature which belongs to the fullness of Christ. – Excerpt from Ephesians 4:11

I Love His Skin. There is no small difference between my skin and my husband’s. My skin is fair, soft, covered in sparse and light hair, and I tend to be cold. His is tanned, work-roughened, covered in thick and dark hair, and he tends to be warm to the touch. His touch is every bit a man’s. His masculine skin is intoxicating.

His head is like gold, pure gold; his locks are like clusters of dates and black as a raven. – Song of Solomon 5:11

I Love His Sound. Did you know that men have larger voice boxes than women? Just another aspect of God’s perfect design that points to the headship of males in the church and in the home. My husband’s voice commands attention with depth, clarity, and a loud projection. And when he speaks softly, his deep, resonant tones lend to me feelings of security and stability. His masculine sound is intoxicating.

He who has the bride is the bridegroom; but the friend of the bridegroom, who stands and hears him, rejoices greatly because of the bridegroom’s voice. – John 3:29

I Love His Seed. If this idea makes you blush, let’s have a chat. Every wife should know that loving a husband and loving his intimate parts cannot be separated. If you are a woman who ignores or even loathes her husband’s sexuality, you are missing out on a spectacular love that you could be sharing with your man. God’s design is amazing, including his design of the male physique. How could I resist desiring my man, when my body was literally designed to receive his body and join as one flesh? Furthermore, the fact that his body produces seed with the potential to create life inside of me takes my breath away. His masculine seed is intoxicating.

Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. – Song of Solomon 2:3

I love my husband’s masculine soma. Here are 5 things I love about…

I Love His Smarts. If the kids and I can’t figure something out, what’s the first thing we do? Ask Dad. Generally speaking, men are experts at problem-solving, have great stores of practical know-how, and make excellent teachers…my man is no exception. Sometimes it seems that he knows the answer to any question: whether it’s a bible question, a question of life advice, a question on car trouble, or a question about a seemingly impossible math equation. His masculine smarts are intoxicating.

Wise men store up knowledge… – Proverbs 10:13a

I Love His Sense. My husband is cool and collected 99% of the time….more than I can say of myself. Admittedly, I let my feminine hormones get the better of me far more than I should. Thankfully, the Lord only made one gender that’s given to frequent mood swings! Men are more sensible by nature, and not as prone to let their emotions swing from one direction to the other. My husband’s calm balance and stable moods keep our home in harmony even when my moody attitude needs an adjustment. His masculine sense is intoxicating.

For if we are beside ourselves, it is for God; if we are of a sound mind, it is for you. For the love of Christ controls us… – 2 Corinthians 5:13-14a

I Love His Skill. My husband is a preacher. Many people jest that a preaching career is only a “two hour a week job”, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. The majority of his work is behind the scenes…laboring in his office to create lessons worthy of the Christian’s attention. He works steadily and faithfully through sickness, headache, or stress. Not only does he take his preaching career seriously, but he’s always willing to drop what he’s doing at a moment’s notice to help his father on the farm. My man works hard to provide for our family. His masculine skill is intoxicating.

Do you see a man skilled in his work? He will stand before kings; he will not stand before obscure men. – Proverbs 22:29

I Love His Scope. My husband is not a gullible man. He is able to logically reason through all that is set before him: whether it be entertainment like books and movies, or media like political news or social platforms. He sees the big picture, and this equips him to form accurate assessments. He is not easily swayed by emotional persuasion, but looks at all angles before forming an opinion on a matter. His masculine scope is intoxicating.

The naïve believes everything, but the sensible man considers his steps. – Proverbs 14:15

I Love His Spine. Courage is an admirable trait in a man, and I am proud to say that my husband is no coward. He is not afraid to defend himself or his family when the need arises. He stands tall and self-assured in the face of opposition, and boldly carries the torch of truth. His masculine spine is intoxicating.

When a strong man, fully armed, guards his own house, his possessions are undisturbed. – Luke 11:21

I love my husband’s masculine soul. Here are 5 things I love about…

I Love His Say. Submitting to my husband is liberating. With him calling the shots for our family, it takes the pressure off of me. Metaphorically speaking, he can drive the car and I can take the passenger’s seat. Being a passenger is not oppressive like some make it out to be. A passenger is free to enjoy the little things in life like beautiful scenery, free to focus on other tasks the driver delegates, free even to take a nap and relax at times! Even if he “makes a wrong turn” now and again, the burden will fall on his shoulders to “turn the car around”, as it were. I am thankful to have my man in the driver’s seat. His masculine say is intoxicating.

For the husband is the head of the wife, as Christ also is the head of the church, He Himself being the Savior of the body. – Ephesians 5:23

I Love His Search. My man is not content with “that’s the way I’ve always thought about this”, or “that’s the way I’ve always done that”. He is not afraid to say that he was wrong and change his mind on a matter. He is always rethinking his positions, making sure he has a solid foundation for his convictions, testing that our family is doing things the best way. He wants to be right before God. His masculine search is intoxicating.

It is the glory of God to conceal a matter, but the glory of kings is to search out a matter. – Proverbs 25:2

I Love His Stance. When my husband has studied a matter out, and is convicted to respond to scripture in a certain way, he will not be easily swayed by emotional appeals to the contrary. Popular opinion will not affect his decisions for our family. He would rather be disliked, snubbed, and even ridiculed, than to lower his standards. His masculine stance is intoxicating.

Be on the alert, stand firm in the faith, act like men, be strong. – 1 Corinthians 16:13

I Love His Sage. If I have a bible question, I can guarantee that my husband will either a) know the answer, or b) help me to figure out the answer. He is well-learned in the scriptures and is gifted with discernment. I always come away from our bible discussions a little wiser, a little more convicted, even a little humbled at how much I have to learn to catch up to him! His masculine sage is intoxicating.

Wisdom strengthens a wise man more than ten rulers who are in a city. – Ecclesiastes 7:19

I Love His Seal. I am so thankful to have a husband who has been redeemed by God, and is on his way to Heaven. My man made the decision as a young man to enter into a covenant with God by believing the word when he heard it, and responding to that belief by confessing, repenting, and being baptized for the remission of his sins. Being equally yoked with my man is blessed assurance. When one of us dies, we know it’s not “goodbye” but merely, “see you later”. His masculine seal is intoxicating.

Now He who establishes us with you in Christ and anointed us is God, who also sealed us and gave us the Spirit in our hearts as a pledge. – 2 Corinthians 1:21-22

I love my husband’s masculine spirit.

In conclusion…

The God-given masculinity of men is not toxic, but it sure is intoxicating! These are some of my favorite things about my man, but can you see any of these positive characteristics in your own?

Does he have a masculine soma with his strength, size, skin, sound, and seed?

Does he have a masculine soul with his smarts, sense, skill, scope, and spine?

Does he have a masculine spirit with his say, search, stance, sage, and seal?

Surely out of these 15 things you can find at least one thing to admire and praise in your man. When we look for the good in our husbands, we will find it. If we believe that our man is intoxicating, he will seem as transformed before our very eyes! Gratitude brings out the best in others, and it certainly brings out the best in ourselves. I urge you wives to love your husbands, and to laud their intoxicating masculinity.

What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! How infinite in faculties! In form and moving how express and admirable! In action how like an angel! In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the world! The paragon of animals!

– Shakespeare, Hamlet (1600)

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

If you have read my latest article, A Good Name, then you know that today is the day for my name reveal. If you have not yet done so, please visit www.destressthedamsel.com/a-good-name/ to read part I. I believe that it will offer more clarity as to why I finally took the leap to pursue a legal name change as an adult. It’s almost time to share my name with you, if you will allow me just a few more moments of your time to give a brief recap. Why the new name?

For the Jingle. My new name is music to my ears.

For the Journey. My new name is representative of all that I strive to be.

For the Junction. My new name is a precious gift from the one whom my soul loves.

Ready? It is henceforth “ordered, adjudged, and decreed” by the great state of Iowa that I can say the following.

If you have learned anything from Destress the Damsel over the years, I hope you have learned how much I treasure God’s beautiful design for marriage (the headship of husbands, the submission of wives, etc.). One of my greatest desires has been to lead other women to a more perfect understanding of their role in the home. A favorite scripture of mine comes from Titus 2, where we find “the great eight” – the primary directives of Biblical Womanhood. It reads:

The aged women likewise, that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. – Titus 2:3a,4-5

[Note: The Greek word for Chaste, hagnos, is not to be confused with another Greek word commonly translated as Chaste – parthenos. “Parthenos” carries the idea of being virginal and unmarried – certainly not what Paul was referring to in this passage about wives. To be “chaste” according to Titus 2 is to be pure, morally upright, and faithful to one’s own husband]

When my husband revealed that he had finally chosen the perfect name for me, I would have never dreamed in a million years that it would be Chaste. My mission in life is to be a Titus 2 woman…and now my very name is a reminder of all that I hold dear. Possessing a “virtue” name will certainly compel me to live up to all that it signifies. I can by no means attain this alone…but with God as my help, I am ready to meet the task.

Thank you all for your time, and most of all, for your loving support in a matter that means so much to me.

For God’s Glory,
Chaste Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Men talk too much of gold and fame,
And not enough about a name;
And yet a good name’s better far
Than all earth’s glistening jewels are.
Who holds his name above all price
And chooses every sacrifice
To keep his earthly record clear,
Can face the world without a fear.

– Excerpt from “A Good Name” by Edgar Albert Guest

Our poet is in agreement with wise King Solomon, who proclaimed:

A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold. – Proverbs 22:1

The “name” of which these two men speak is derived from the Hebrew word, Shem. This word is commonly translated as “name” in scripture, but is also closely related to words such as “fame” and “renown”. A person’s name, whether they like it or not, is associated with their character and how others view them. One might say, for example…

“Jack? Yeah, I know him. Nicest guy you’d ever meet. Always making others feel warmed and welcome, and he’d give you the shirt off his back if you had need of it. His wife, Jill, on the other hand is a real battleaxe. I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side, even on her best day.“

In this example, Jack’s name carries weight in a positive way, while Jill’s name induces a negative reaction from the hearer. Thus, both names are memorable…but only one is reputable.

In today’s lesson, we will be following in the footsteps of King Solomon by comparing “a good name” to money. A person needs money to successfully get by in this world, and certainly they also need a good name for their success in this world and the next. Do you have a good name, my friend? I hope so – because you’re going to need it.

First of all, you’re going to need it…

The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; and you will be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will designate. – Isaiah 62:2

Both money and names alike are desirable for the jingle.

• When a man has a bit of extra money in his pocket, he walks about with an air of grandeur. Having wealth within his reach gives him the power to choose: he has the choice to save his money, or to spend it. He has a choice as to what to save for or spend on. He could choose to give away his money, or he could save it for a rainy day. So many options, but the mere jingle of coins in his pocket will inevitably have him holding his head a little higher.

• When a woman fancies the jingle of her name, she carries herself with confidence. Possessing a beautiful name assists her sense of self-esteem: there is no reason for timidity with a name she is proud of. When others call upon her, she does not inwardly wince at the sound of her own name. Rather, she feels pleased and contented with her identity.

A good name has the best kind of jingle. Isaiah 62:2 (above) speaks of the Lord calling us by a new name…from His mouth. Could anything lift the countenance more than that? Being “named” by the Lord is something to glory in, even more so than pocket money or a beautiful name. You might be thinking, what’s so important about a jingle? Here’s what’s important: a positive self-image affects our mindset, and subsequently, our behavior. If I take pride in my good name, it stands to reason that I will do all I can to hang onto it! Being called by the name “Christian” should cause you and I to stand tall – we have intrinsic value as His name-bearers. Let each of us do our best not to mar or stain the good name that we have in Christ. Chin up, and be proud of the jingle you carry as a child of the most high God.

So you need a good name for the jingle, but you’re also going to need it…

Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him, saying…no longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you the father of a multitude of nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of you, and kings will come forth from you. Then God said to Abraham, as for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her, and indeed I will give you a son by her. Then I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people will come from her. – Genesis 17:3,5-6,15-16

Both money and names alike are desirable for the journey.

• When a man embarks on a journey, he must go prepared with plenty of money in his bank account. Without money, he won’t get very far. Fuel, fares, and food alone will quickly deplete his savings…not to mention the cost of any luxuries he may wish to purchase once he arrives at his destination. Experiences, attractions, souvenirs, and the like all have one glaring thing in common: they’ll cost him beaucoup bucks!

• When a woman prepares to open up a shop, she pores over the perfect name for her new business journey. From the little old lady at the health food store who calls her biz “Mrs. Mason’s Market” to the young hairdresser who finally settles on naming her salon “Krystal’s Klips ‘n Kuts”, you can bet that each woman toyed with a hundred different ideas before she found just the right name to suit her liking. She is convinced that if her business is ever going to amount to anything, it must have no less than the perfect title.

A good name will take you on the best kind of journey. Genesis 17 (above) recounts the history of Abraham and Sarah receiving a name change from the Lord. God tells the “why” of these name changes: to prepare this couple for the new lifestyle that was soon to be theirs. They were to become the father and mother of many nations, they were to be given a new land in which to live, and they were to be covenanted with their Father in Heaven. Those were Abraham-and-Sarah-sized-blessings…far beyond what “Abram and Sarai” could handle. A new journey demanded a new name for both of them. This puts me in mind of the “old (wo)man” that I used to be before I became a Christian. The old me was not equipped for the “new (wo)man”-sized tasks that the Lord had prepared for me when I rose up out of the waters of my baptism. When we enter into a covenant with God, His grace gives us new reputation: a good name for the journey.

So you need a good name for the journey, but you’re also going to need it…

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! – Isaiah 43:1

Both money and names alike are desirable for the junction.

• When a man comes to a junction in the form of a toll road, he must make one of two choices: a) he must pay money to advance and continue on the path he is taking, or b) he must take the nearest exit and find a new path to travel. If he tries to whiz past the toll booths without paying the toll fees, he will find himself paying a hefty fine in the near future. Staying linked with his present route will cost him one way or another. It’s pay to stay or stay away.

• When a woman enters the junction of marriage, she takes on her husband’s last name as a sign that she belongs to him. This custom proclaims to all that she and her man are one. Any children she bears for her husband will also carry on his surname. It’s a subtle, common, yet meaningful tradition that tells the world, “this family is joined together under the headship of the man of our home. We play for the same team around here…his team.”

A good name will bring you to the best junction. Isaiah 43:1 (above) is a nod to Jacob’s name change as recorded in Genesis 32:28. If you recall the original account, Jacob was renamed by God after his unique encounter (re: wrestling match) with his Maker. Jacob was given the new name “Israel” as a merit badge of sorts for striving with the Living God and coming out a victor. Our Isaiah passage adds an enlightening layer to Jacob’s name change: “I have called you by name; you are mine!”, the Lord proclaims. The authoritative act of naming Jacob would be a way for God to mark their newfound junction (joining, union, convergence) with one another. Notice how God calls himself the “creator” of Jacob, but the “former” of Israel. Translation: this man of God was born a Jacob, but God leveled him up to an Israel on His training ground. When we link up with God, our growth is inevitable. The way we start out will not be the same way we end up.

In conclusion…

There is a very special reason that names are on my mind and in my heart this month. If you are reading this article, then you are about to become privy to a surprise that my husband and I have been keeping to ourselves for some time. Now that it’s documented and official, I am ready to let the cat out of the bag:

I have legally changed my name.

I realize that this probably comes as a shock, and many of you will wonder: why on earth would she do that?! Here’s why I did it…

• I did it For the Jingle. With nothing but respect towards my parents and the blessed upbringing they gave me, I simply am not a fan of my given name. When I was a little girl, I would spend hours looking at the baby name book from the family shelf; dreaming of what it would be like to have a name I perceived as beautiful. I have always felt a slight unease at being summoned by name…the one I was born with is just not “me”. This was and has always been a matter of personal taste, and not a poor reflection on the beloved namer or anyone else who is fond of my former name. I humbly ask that you, dear reader, respect my sentiment as I respect yours. At the end of the day, I am the one who knows myself and the name that aids my self-confidence. My decision has brought me much joy – please share in my excitement!

• I did it For the Journey. I am on a mission of self-improvement. If the version you knew of me was from 10 years ago…5 years ago…even 1 year ago, then you don’t know me. I am striving every day to be a better daughter to God, a better wife to my husband, a better mom to my kids, a better employee for my company, and the list goes on. The path ahead of me is so much brighter than the path behind me, and I’m not turning back. My name change is a way to commemorate the person I’ve become through God’s infinite grace. Like Abraham and Sarah before me, I’m headed for Canaan’s Land…and I’m taking a new name with me as I venture on. I’m not who I was.

• I did it For the Junction. My favorite part in my renaming story is where I got my name. The man whom I love above all others, the one who put a ring on my finger and covenanted with me forever before God and man…chose it for me. We have toyed with changing my name for years and now we have finally reached the junction where a well-suited name has come to rest in my husband’s heart. You might think, “that took long enough!” Remember, it took a while for “Jacob” to evolve into an “Israel”, too. But when the Lord saw Jacob as he was, face-to-face, He knew that he was Jacob no longer. There came a day when “Woman” evolved into “Eve”. When her husband saw her as she was, there was no doubt about it: she was an Eve, and he named her as such. My love has called me by name…and I am his.

Though I am laying my former name to rest, this is a time of celebration and not sadness. One door from my past may be closing, but another blessed new beginning is opening for me. When it comes to endings and new beginnings, King Solomon said it best:

A good name is better than a good ointment, and the day of one’s death is better than the day of one’s birth. The end of a matter is better than its beginning. – Ecclesiastes 7:1,8a

Check back in three days for the revealing of a good name. I can’t wait to share it with you.

For God’s Glory,
To Be Revealed on July 4, 2021

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.