Destress the Damsel

If you have read my latest article, A Good Name, then you know that today is the day for my name reveal. If you have not yet done so, please visit www.destressthedamsel.com/a-good-name/ to read part I. I believe that it will offer more clarity as to why I finally took the leap to pursue a legal name change as an adult. It’s almost time to share my name with you, if you will allow me just a few more moments of your time to give a brief recap. Why the new name?

For the Jingle. My new name is music to my ears.

For the Journey. My new name is representative of all that I strive to be.

For the Junction. My new name is a precious gift from the one whom my soul loves.

Ready? It is henceforth “ordered, adjudged, and decreed” by the great state of Iowa that I can say the following.

If you have learned anything from Destress the Damsel over the years, I hope you have learned how much I treasure God’s beautiful design for marriage (the headship of husbands, the submission of wives, etc.). One of my greatest desires has been to lead other women to a more perfect understanding of their role in the home. A favorite scripture of mine comes from Titus 2, where we find “the great eight” – the primary directives of Biblical Womanhood. It reads:

The aged women likewise, that they may teach the young women to be sober, to love their husbands, to love their children, to be discreet, chaste, keepers at home, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God be not blasphemed. – Titus 2:3a,4-5

[Note: The Greek word for Chaste, hagnos, is not to be confused with another Greek word commonly translated as Chaste – parthenos. “Parthenos” carries the idea of being virginal and unmarried – certainly not what Paul was referring to in this passage about wives. To be “chaste” according to Titus 2 is to be pure, morally upright, and faithful to one’s own husband]

When my husband revealed that he had finally chosen the perfect name for me, I would have never dreamed in a million years that it would be Chaste. My mission in life is to be a Titus 2 woman…and now my very name is a reminder of all that I hold dear. Possessing a “virtue” name will certainly compel me to live up to all that it signifies. I can by no means attain this alone…but with God as my help, I am ready to meet the task.

Thank you all for your time, and most of all, for your loving support in a matter that means so much to me.

For God’s Glory,
Chaste Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Men talk too much of gold and fame,
And not enough about a name;
And yet a good name’s better far
Than all earth’s glistening jewels are.
Who holds his name above all price
And chooses every sacrifice
To keep his earthly record clear,
Can face the world without a fear.

– Excerpt from “A Good Name” by Edgar Albert Guest

Our poet is in agreement with wise King Solomon, who proclaimed:

A good name is to be more desired than great wealth, favor is better than silver and gold. – Proverbs 22:1

The “name” of which these two men speak is derived from the Hebrew word, Shem. This word is commonly translated as “name” in scripture, but is also closely related to words such as “fame” and “renown”. A person’s name, whether they like it or not, is associated with their character and how others view them. One might say, for example…

“Jack? Yeah, I know him. Nicest guy you’d ever meet. Always making others feel warmed and welcome, and he’d give you the shirt off his back if you had need of it. His wife, Jill, on the other hand is a real battleaxe. I wouldn’t want to get on her bad side, even on her best day.“

In this example, Jack’s name carries weight in a positive way, while Jill’s name induces a negative reaction from the hearer. Thus, both names are memorable…but only one is reputable.

In today’s lesson, we will be following in the footsteps of King Solomon by comparing “a good name” to money. A person needs money to successfully get by in this world, and certainly they also need a good name for their success in this world and the next. Do you have a good name, my friend? I hope so – because you’re going to need it.

First of all, you’re going to need it…

The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; and you will be called by a new name which the mouth of the Lord will designate. – Isaiah 62:2

Both money and names alike are desirable for the jingle.

• When a man has a bit of extra money in his pocket, he walks about with an air of grandeur. Having wealth within his reach gives him the power to choose: he has the choice to save his money, or to spend it. He has a choice as to what to save for or spend on. He could choose to give away his money, or he could save it for a rainy day. So many options, but the mere jingle of coins in his pocket will inevitably have him holding his head a little higher.

• When a woman fancies the jingle of her name, she carries herself with confidence. Possessing a beautiful name assists her sense of self-esteem: there is no reason for timidity with a name she is proud of. When others call upon her, she does not inwardly wince at the sound of her own name. Rather, she feels pleased and contented with her identity.

A good name has the best kind of jingle. Isaiah 62:2 (above) speaks of the Lord calling us by a new name…from His mouth. Could anything lift the countenance more than that? Being “named” by the Lord is something to glory in, even more so than pocket money or a beautiful name. You might be thinking, what’s so important about a jingle? Here’s what’s important: a positive self-image affects our mindset, and subsequently, our behavior. If I take pride in my good name, it stands to reason that I will do all I can to hang onto it! Being called by the name “Christian” should cause you and I to stand tall – we have intrinsic value as His name-bearers. Let each of us do our best not to mar or stain the good name that we have in Christ. Chin up, and be proud of the jingle you carry as a child of the most high God.

So you need a good name for the jingle, but you’re also going to need it…

Abram fell on his face, and God talked with him, saying…no longer shall your name be called Abram, but your name shall be Abraham; for I have made you the father of a multitude of nations. I will make you exceedingly fruitful, and I will make nations of you, and kings will come forth from you. Then God said to Abraham, as for Sarai your wife, you shall not call her name Sarai, but Sarah shall be her name. I will bless her, and indeed I will give you a son by her. Then I will bless her, and she shall be a mother of nations; kings of people will come from her. – Genesis 17:3,5-6,15-16

Both money and names alike are desirable for the journey.

• When a man embarks on a journey, he must go prepared with plenty of money in his bank account. Without money, he won’t get very far. Fuel, fares, and food alone will quickly deplete his savings…not to mention the cost of any luxuries he may wish to purchase once he arrives at his destination. Experiences, attractions, souvenirs, and the like all have one glaring thing in common: they’ll cost him beaucoup bucks!

• When a woman prepares to open up a shop, she pores over the perfect name for her new business journey. From the little old lady at the health food store who calls her biz “Mrs. Mason’s Market” to the young hairdresser who finally settles on naming her salon “Krystal’s Klips ‘n Kuts”, you can bet that each woman toyed with a hundred different ideas before she found just the right name to suit her liking. She is convinced that if her business is ever going to amount to anything, it must have no less than the perfect title.

A good name will take you on the best kind of journey. Genesis 17 (above) recounts the history of Abraham and Sarah receiving a name change from the Lord. God tells the “why” of these name changes: to prepare this couple for the new lifestyle that was soon to be theirs. They were to become the father and mother of many nations, they were to be given a new land in which to live, and they were to be covenanted with their Father in Heaven. Those were Abraham-and-Sarah-sized-blessings…far beyond what “Abram and Sarai” could handle. A new journey demanded a new name for both of them. This puts me in mind of the “old (wo)man” that I used to be before I became a Christian. The old me was not equipped for the “new (wo)man”-sized tasks that the Lord had prepared for me when I rose up out of the waters of my baptism. When we enter into a covenant with God, His grace gives us new reputation: a good name for the journey.

So you need a good name for the journey, but you’re also going to need it…

But now, thus says the Lord, your Creator, O Jacob, and He who formed you, O Israel, do not fear, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name; you are Mine! – Isaiah 43:1

Both money and names alike are desirable for the junction.

• When a man comes to a junction in the form of a toll road, he must make one of two choices: a) he must pay money to advance and continue on the path he is taking, or b) he must take the nearest exit and find a new path to travel. If he tries to whiz past the toll booths without paying the toll fees, he will find himself paying a hefty fine in the near future. Staying linked with his present route will cost him one way or another. It’s pay to stay or stay away.

• When a woman enters the junction of marriage, she takes on her husband’s last name as a sign that she belongs to him. This custom proclaims to all that she and her man are one. Any children she bears for her husband will also carry on his surname. It’s a subtle, common, yet meaningful tradition that tells the world, “this family is joined together under the headship of the man of our home. We play for the same team around here…his team.”

A good name will bring you to the best junction. Isaiah 43:1 (above) is a nod to Jacob’s name change as recorded in Genesis 32:28. If you recall the original account, Jacob was renamed by God after his unique encounter (re: wrestling match) with his Maker. Jacob was given the new name “Israel” as a merit badge of sorts for striving with the Living God and coming out a victor. Our Isaiah passage adds an enlightening layer to Jacob’s name change: “I have called you by name; you are mine!”, the Lord proclaims. The authoritative act of naming Jacob would be a way for God to mark their newfound junction (joining, union, convergence) with one another. Notice how God calls himself the “creator” of Jacob, but the “former” of Israel. Translation: this man of God was born a Jacob, but God leveled him up to an Israel on His training ground. When we link up with God, our growth is inevitable. The way we start out will not be the same way we end up.

In conclusion…

There is a very special reason that names are on my mind and in my heart this month. If you are reading this article, then you are about to become privy to a surprise that my husband and I have been keeping to ourselves for some time. Now that it’s documented and official, I am ready to let the cat out of the bag:

I have legally changed my name.

I realize that this probably comes as a shock, and many of you will wonder: why on earth would she do that?! Here’s why I did it…

• I did it For the Jingle. With nothing but respect towards my parents and the blessed upbringing they gave me, I simply am not a fan of my given name. When I was a little girl, I would spend hours looking at the baby name book from the family shelf; dreaming of what it would be like to have a name I perceived as beautiful. I have always felt a slight unease at being summoned by name…the one I was born with is just not “me”. This was and has always been a matter of personal taste, and not a poor reflection on the beloved namer or anyone else who is fond of my former name. I humbly ask that you, dear reader, respect my sentiment as I respect yours. At the end of the day, I am the one who knows myself and the name that aids my self-confidence. My decision has brought me much joy – please share in my excitement!

• I did it For the Journey. I am on a mission of self-improvement. If the version you knew of me was from 10 years ago…5 years ago…even 1 year ago, then you don’t know me. I am striving every day to be a better daughter to God, a better wife to my husband, a better mom to my kids, a better employee for my company, and the list goes on. The path ahead of me is so much brighter than the path behind me, and I’m not turning back. My name change is a way to commemorate the person I’ve become through God’s infinite grace. Like Abraham and Sarah before me, I’m headed for Canaan’s Land…and I’m taking a new name with me as I venture on. I’m not who I was.

• I did it For the Junction. My favorite part in my renaming story is where I got my name. The man whom I love above all others, the one who put a ring on my finger and covenanted with me forever before God and man…chose it for me. We have toyed with changing my name for years and now we have finally reached the junction where a well-suited name has come to rest in my husband’s heart. You might think, “that took long enough!” Remember, it took a while for “Jacob” to evolve into an “Israel”, too. But when the Lord saw Jacob as he was, face-to-face, He knew that he was Jacob no longer. There came a day when “Woman” evolved into “Eve”. When her husband saw her as she was, there was no doubt about it: she was an Eve, and he named her as such. My love has called me by name…and I am his.

Though I am laying my former name to rest, this is a time of celebration and not sadness. One door from my past may be closing, but another blessed new beginning is opening for me. When it comes to endings and new beginnings, King Solomon said it best:

A good name is better than a good ointment, and the day of one’s death is better than the day of one’s birth. The end of a matter is better than its beginning. – Ecclesiastes 7:1,8a

Check back in three days for the revealing of a good name. I can’t wait to share it with you.

For God’s Glory,
To Be Revealed on July 4, 2021

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Martha was busy and hurried,
Serving the friend divine,
Cleansing the cups and platters,
Bringing the bread and wine;
But Martha was careful and anxious
Fretted in thought and in word.
She had no time to be sitting
While she was serving the Lord,
For Martha was “cumbered” with serving,
Martha was “troubled” with “things”—
Those that would pass with the using—
She was forgetting her wings.

Mary was quiet and peaceful,
Learning to love and to live.
Mary was hearing His precepts,
Mary was letting Him give—
Give of the riches eternal,
Treasures of mind and of heart;
Learning the mind of the Master,
Choosing the better part.

Do we ever labor at serving
Till voices grow fretful and shrill,
Forgetting how to be loving,
Forgetting how to be still?
Do we strive for “things” in possession,
And toil for the perishing meat,
Neglecting the one thing needful—
Sitting at Jesus’ feet?

Service is good when he asks it,
Labor is right in it’s place,
But there is one thing better,
Looking up in his face;
There is so much he can tell us,
Truths that are precious and deep;
This is the place where he wants us,
These are the things we can keep.

– “Martha and Mary” by Annie Johnson Flint

I am convinced that most women fall into one of two categories: a Mary kind of girl, or a Martha kind of girl. Which one are you? That will be for you to discern as we dive into our topic today.

Before we begin, I want to make a few things clear. As far as we know (in our limited knowledge of Lazarus’ sisters)…

• Martha and Mary were both part of God’s kingdom. They are our sisters in Christ.
• Jesus loved Mary and Martha. They were both near and dear to his heart.
• We all have weaknesses that we would be ashamed to have recorded in the pages of God’s word. Martha’s weakness, as recorded in Luke 10, does not mean that she was a bad person, or that she always behaved the way she did that day. We must extend to her the grace that we desire from God and others.

With that being said, the scriptures use this stand-alone example of Martha and Mary to show us a negative and a positive example of womanhood. I am going to do the same. For illustration’s sake, Mary will stand as our symbol of positive, godly womanhood. Martha will stand as our symbol for negative, worldly womanhood. I will use both names repeatedly today. I want you to be aware that each time I speak of “Martha”, I am not denouncing the actual person, I am denouncing the negative attitude she displayed. I am merely referencing her name as a symbol. I found a graphic from www.recollecteddesign.com that contrasted the sisters, and I found it very helpful. I will share what it said below:

Unfortunately, “Marthas” rule the world of women. If you are a “Martha”, I hope this article will convict you of your area of weakness. In truth, though, this article is more specifically aimed at the “Marys” out there. I am talking to you there…the one sitting at Master’s feet. Practically speaking, you are probably the girl who chooses worship over social events, the girl who prefers standing by her husband instead of “clucking with the hens”, the girl who would rather experience life joyfully and quietly behind the scenes than bragging about it on social media, and the girl who will always give her full attention but is never the center of attention. I see you, friend. So does “Martha”, and she doesn’t like what she sees. This makes you a prime target for her ridicule and subsequent bullying.

It can be hard to be a Mary girl in a Martha world, because just like in the Biblical account, “Marys” often get mistreated by “Marthas”. However, I am here to encourage you not to give up or give in. This world needs women like you…like Mary. Today’s lesson isn’t so much about “how not to be like Martha”, as it is “how to survive as a Mary girl in a Martha world”. If you are going to get by in this “Martha” world, there are two important truths you must know. First:

She [Martha] had a sister called Mary, who was seated at the Lord’s feet, listening to His word. But Martha was distracted with all her preparations; and she came up to Him and said, “Lord, do you not care that my sister has left me to do all the serving alone? Then tell her to help me.” – Luke 10:39-40

If I visualize and assess this scene in a practical setting, I see something like this:

A quiet, submissive woman sits in the living room near the man she adores. (For Mary, this was Jesus. To the married woman, this is her husband. To the young girl, her daddy.) For each such female, listening to the man talk brings joy to her soul, because she loves him. Being near him makes her feel safe and at home. She knows he enjoys her company also, because she is valuable in his sight. Other girls may be bustling about the kitchen and socializing with one another, but not this girl. She is found at the feet of her admired man. Such a girl is not lazy, nor is she avoiding the other girls, nor does she have negative ulterior motives. She just wants to listen and absorb the words of the man she loves.

A go-getter, take-charge woman bustles about in the kitchen, making sure things are just so. To her, image is everything. What would people think if her silverware was not properly aligned, her trademark meal not cooked to perfection? She sneers at the one sitting in the living room…”who does she think she is?” The longer she gazes on Little-Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes sucking up to the man in question, bitterness takes hold. She tries to catch the other girl’s gaze, but no…L.M.G.T.S. has her eyes fixated on her admired man. She tries to make enough noise to garner the other girl’s attention, but no….L.M.G.T.S. is listening too intently to her admired man to care about the “goings-on” in the kitchen. Finally, she decides to stomp over and give that Goody-Two-Shoes a piece of her mind.

She appraises, she approaches, and she apprehends.

Everything in a Martha tends to hate everything in a Mary. Why? Because a Martha only has the shadow of love for a man (i.e. Jesus/husband/father), but a Mary has the substance. Marthas can’t understand why Marys are praised and adored by the special man in their life, and it drives them crazy with envy. What they fail to realize is that they, too, could find more authentic joy in their own admired man if they would slow down and enjoy him…instead of competing with other women by trying to show off and be “somebody”.

If you are a Mary, it is a sad but true statement that Marthas will defame you. You will always be somewhat of a social outcast, never quite fitting in with the other girls. When you don’t act like them, they will misjudge you as stuck-up. When you don’t join in on gossip, competition, male-bashing, mom-bragging, and the like, it will undoubtedly cause some to be bitter against you. Such women, when they sense you are out-of-their-league, will act like schoolyard bullies: making you feel small until you cave and join them. My advice to you is, DON’T! Because…

But the Lord answered and said to her, Martha, Martha, you are worried and bothered about so many things; but only one thing is necessary, for Mary has chosen the good part, which shall not be taken away from her. – Luke 10:41-42

If I visualize and assess this scene in a practical setting, I see something like this:

The go-getter, take charge woman marches over to the quiet, submissive woman and demands to know why she isn’t joining in the kitchen activity. She smiles triumphantly as her “opponent” begins to stammer a reply with nervous tears coming to her eyes. This must translate to guilt! Martha turns her attention on the other girl’s Savior/husband/father, and says, “come on, tell her to get to work”. She feels justified in her demands, because she knows she’s in the right. Imagine her surprise when the man looks her in the eye and says, “my girl will not be going anywhere. I quite enjoy her presence, and this conversation is good for her. Loosen up, my friend…the meal can wait.” He gives his girl a playful wink, and Mary begins to feel at ease once more.

He appraises, He appreciates, and He approves.

I feel that Luke 10 ends in a plot twist of sorts. Many of us grew up with this account read to us as children, but try to imagine it as if you were reading it for the first time. Would it not be assumed that Jesus would gently rebuke Mary, telling her that Martha is indeed correct…that Mary ought not to slack off? However, this is not the case. Jesus says, “Mary has chosen the good part, and it shall not be taken from her.” In essence, Martha’s demand was blown off. Can you imagine Mary’s relief at having been defended by her Lord, rather than defamed? Get this, the same Jesus who defended Mary that day is the same Jesus that defends all “Marys” to this day. He sees you. He knows your heart. He knows that you are all substance, though your inner man is not so outwardly shown like it is with a “Martha”. He is in your corner, just as you have always been in His. Those who are humble in His sight, He lifts up. What great consequence is it if a Martha defames you, when you have your Master to defend you?

In conclusion…

It can feel very lonely to be a Mary girl in a Martha world.

Marthas will defame you. They will appraise you, approach you, and apprehend you.
But…
Master will defend you. He will appraise you, appreciate you, and approve you.

In the Bible, Mary didn’t have to feel intimidated or threatened by her sister Martha’s disapproval. With the Lord in her corner, Mary could resist bullying and feel confident in her choice to sit at Master’s feet rather than act the hostess. See, there is no shame in being a server like Martha…and there is no shame in being a scholar like Mary. Shame is only to be found when we are all shadow and no substance, or when we try to bend and bully others to fit our personality instead of embracing their own. “You do you, Sis” is actually a biblical attitude when said in the context of each woman embracing her God-given gifts and abilities:

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit. And there are varieties of ministries, and the same Lord. There are varieties of effects, but the same God who works all things in all persons. – 1 Corinthians 12:4-6

I don’t know how Mary and Martha’s story ended after the conclusion of Luke chapter 10. I’d like to imagine that Martha blushed at her outburst, asked Jesus’ and Mary’s forgiveness, and sat down next to her sister to listen to the Master. I’d like to imagine that when Jesus had finished speaking, the two sisters grinned at one another knowingly, got up, and finished the housework in peaceful harmony. Hopefully, Mary learned how to survive in Martha’s world, Martha learned how to survive in Mary’s world…and they both learned to thrive in their Master’s world.

…we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by what every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love.

For God’s glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.