Destress the Damsel


She’s blood, flesh and bone
No tucks or silicone
She’s touch, smell, sight, taste, and sound
But somehow I can’t believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing’s going to happen

‘Cause she’s so high
High above me
She’s so lovely
She’s so high
Like Cleopatra
Joan of Arc
Or Aphrodite
She’s so high
High above me

First class and fancy free
She’s high society
She’s got the best of everything

What could a guy like me
Ever really offer?
She’s perfect as she can be
Why should I even bother?

‘Cause she’s so high
High above me
She’s so lovely
She’s so high
Like Cleopatra
Joan of Arc
Or Aphrodite
She’s so high
High above me

She comes to speak to me
I freeze immediately
‘Cause what she says sounds so unreal
‘Cause somehow I can’t believe
That anything should happen
I know where I belong
And nothing’s gonna happen

‘Cause she’s so high
High above me
She’s so lovely
She’s so high
Like Cleopatra
Joan of Arc
Or Aphrodite
Oh, yeah
She’s so high
High above me

These lyrics are from the 1999 one-hit-wonder, “She’s So High” written and performed by Tal Bachman. The once chart-topping hit resonates with men and women alike: men, because they long to have a dream girl, women, because they long to be a dream girl. And while the song could be interpreted by some as a feminist anthem, implying that women are superior to men (i.e. “she’s so high above me”), I don’t think that’s what the artist was trying to convey with the song. In any case, it certainly is not what I am trying to convey by the quoting thereof. I view “She’s So High” as a song about a love-struck man who is absolutely beside himself with admiration and adoration of a high caliber lady…a man so smitten that he can’t believe that a girl like her would ever give him so much as a passing glance…a man that would feel like the most fortunate guy on earth to obtain his very own “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”.

Do you long for a man to feel this way about you? Whether you are a single woman looking for Mr. Right to fall madly in love with her, a wife desiring to rekindle her husband’s long-lost passion for her, or a wife who simply wants to step up her game and make her already adoring husband go even more wild for her, then today is your lucky day. This month’s blog will cover the five essential traits a woman needs in order to capture (and subsequently, keep) a man’s attention. We are going to learn what it means to be “sense-able” wives. (And I assure you, I haven’t forgotten how to spell!) See, Tal Bachman twigged on to one very important truth when he penned the line, “she’s touch, smell, sight, taste, and sound“. He was pointing out the fact that a red-blooded man will go bonkers over a woman who appeals to his 5 senses – the kind of woman I like to call a “sense-able” wife. The first way to ignite the 5 senses of a man is by cultivating…

The first sense Tal Bachman brings to our attention in his song “She’s So High” is the sense of touch.

A sense-able wife knows that her tender, provocative caress has the power to captivate her husband and unlock his deepest affections. She recognizes that his masculine desires are meant to be fulfilled by her – and only by her – and thus considers presenting her body to him as her sacred duty and privilege. She is never repulsed by his advances, but willingly touches him (and accepts his touch) “all day, every day”.

If you’ve followed my blog for very long, you probably know that I am an advocate for daily sex between husbands and wives. I would consider this my #1 tip for women (well, aside from the should-be-obvious: marry a Christian man). However, touch is not exclusively about lovemaking. Touch also includes a myriad of other advances, such as: holding his hand, kissing him, tickling him, scratching him, massaging him, grazing him, grabbing him, laying on him, pressing on him, cuddling him, performing fellatio on him, etc.

Anytime you are sitting next to your husband or walking by him, slip your hand into his. Kiss him throughout the day, with both playful kisses and passionate kisses. When you pass by him, tickle his exposed skin, such as his neck and arms. When you watch movies together, scratch or massage his bare back. Seduce him throughout the day by grazing his thighs and abdomen. Make him go crazy for you by grabbing his masculine parts at random times. Lay on him in bed (nude, preferably). Spontaneously press your breasts onto him when you have a moment alone. Cuddle up to him and wrap his arms around you. Pleasure him with your mouth. Make love to him on a daily basis. To put it bluntly: a husband and wife should be as physical as two horny teenagers with no parental supervision. (Please don’t misunderstand my point — unmarried teens should not be indulging in physical intimacy –but this is the sad reality of “a child left to himself”. My point is that married couples should not be “outdone” by promiscuous youths.)

Single ladies: while there are few chaste ways to touch a man who is not your husband, capitalize on those chaste touches afforded you. Show your hands to be feminine, soft, and warm, yet maintain healthy physical boundaries. (A good rule of thumb is this: single women should touch men they are not married to only in ways that would be appropriate for married women to touch men they are not married to. This doesn’t mean “no touching”, but rather, “no romantic touching”. Promote the purity of yourself and the men around you by only allowing physical contact that is sisterly, not wifely. For example, gently touching a brother’s arm during conversation would be appropriate, while kissing and cuddling a brother would obviously be inappropriate. Reserve all romantic touches for marriage.) Wives: when you make an effort to touch your husband throughout the day, you will remind him that you are the girl of his dreams. He will see you as so much more than some live-in companion who washes his laundry…he will instead see you as his tantalizing temptress, his entrancing enchantress, his spellbinding seductress…one who is “so high”. Additional tip: husbands love it when you “force” them to touch you in all your feminine places…trust me.

If you would be your man’s “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”, be sure to speak to his sense of touch.

When I found him whom my soul loves; I held on to him and would not let him go. – Song of Solomon 3:4b

The second way to ignite the 5 senses of a man is by cultivating…

The second sense Tal Bachman brings to our attention in his song “She’s So High” is the sense of smell.

A sense-able wife knows that her inviting, alluring fragrance will indelibly imprint on her husband’s mind. She recognizes that smell and memory are closely connected, and uses this to her advantage. She crafts a beautiful aroma that her husband comes to associate with her. Every time her man smells that unique and wonderful scent, he will be reminded of his woman and inexplicably drawn to re-experience her presence.

It must be said, first and foremost, that practicing good hygiene is paramount in order to have a truly pleasing aroma. Without the base foundation of cleanliness, any product added to one’s body is only masking odor, rather than cultivating a sweet savor. Washing your body and brushing your teeth should both be parts of your daily routine. And don’t neglect to launder your clothes regularly, as fabric can harbor unpleasant smells, not to mention bacteria. Applying a good (aluminum-free) deodorant is also significant, especially during the warmer months. Let’s face it, human beings can get awfully smelly. Our bodies require habitual maintenance just to stay “passable”. But aside from your basic hygiene, which is essentially damage control, creating an appealing fragrance demands more than the minimum amount of effort. Being “first class, fancy free, and high society” involves going above and beyond the call of duty.

The way you smell comes primarily from 1.) your skin, 2.) your hair, and 3.) your breath. You want to be the whole package? Be sure all three smell incredible, and your man is going to find you positively irresistible.

For good smelling skin, one must start with a good smelling soap. Specifically, soaps that work into a good lather have the strongest and longest lasting fragrance. (And ladies, don’t be sparing when it comes to soaping up…prudence is an important virtue, but your shower is not the place to be chintzy.) Another great way to achieve good smelling (and very soft) skin is by taking an Epsom salt bath. Scented lotion is yet another important aspect of fragrance building. Lastly, applying a perfume or body spray that appeals to your husband is going to make your skin smell marvelous. The vast majority of men enjoy “gourmand” scents – the ones that smell good enough to eat. (i.e. vanilla, chocolate, fruit, candy, baked goods, etc.).

For good smelling hair, one must start with a good smelling shampoo and conditioner. As with soaps, you want hair products that work into a good lather, distributing a lovely fragrance to each and every strand. Hair oil is another way to keep your hair smelling fabulous (and furthermore, looking sleek and shiny!). Lastly, don’t underestimate the scent of your heat protector. Such a spray is likely the last product that touches your head in your hair care routine, and its smell will linger in your hair…so make it a good one!

For good smelling breath, one must start with a good smelling toothpaste. Bubble gum or fruity flavors may smell amazing in the tube, but nothing seems to cut down on bad breath like good old-fashioned mint toothpaste. Flossing is also a must for removing hard-to-reach plaque which contributes to odor. What you eat goes a long way in how your breath smells, too. Some foods (here’s looking at you, garlic) make one’s breath reek in spite of dental hygiene. Gross! Lastly, chewing-gum and mints are your friends.

Single ladies and wives alike will garner a man’s attention when their scent is to-die-for. A woman with a pleasant fragrance sends the message that she values herself and others. Additional tip: a good smelling home is a wonderful place to find respite. A scented candle can go a long way in making a home a haven.

If you would be your man’s “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”, be sure to speak to his sense of smell.

While the king was at his table, my  perfume gave forth its fragrance. – Song of Solomon 1:12

The third way to ignite the 5 senses of a man is by cultivating…

The third sense Tal Bachman brings to our attention in his song “She’s So High” is the sense of sight.

A sense-able wife knows that her radiant, arresting appearance will turn the head of her husband. She recognizes that men are visual creatures, and thus endeavors to make herself a sight to behold for her man. She is not complacent when it comes to her looks, but puts great thought and skill into preparing and presenting the best version of herself. Ever the woman, she leans into her feminine attribute: beauty.

Considering that what is perceived as “beautiful” can vary greatly from one man to another, it is crucial for a woman to curate a look that appeals to her man. Some husbands are very vocal about what they do and don’t like; some will not share their opinions unless asked directly; some will not share their opinions at all, and can only be observed for favorable or unfavorable reactions. No matter which personality type your husband has, you will be able to ascertain his wishes if you are willing to learn your man and mold to him.

One thing that all men would agree that they want to see from their woman is effort. Any wife actively trying to look her best is already in a category above the rest. Sure, there might be days when you are in a hurry and don’t have time to dress to the nines and doll yourself up like a movie star. But is haphazardly slapping together an outfit, donning a mom bun, and going au naturale the norm, or the exception in your life? If ever your husband’s daily view becomes a frumpy, dumpy wife: Houston, we have a problem.

How you look is in great part due to what you wear. Even the plainest woman can look like a million bucks if she puts in the effort, aligns with her husband’s style preferences, and focuses on looking her best by playing off of her most charming features. Wearing clothes that a.) are tailored to your body (neither too tight nor too loose) and b.) enhance your womanliness (rather than conceal your lovely feminine figure) will always elevate your look, regardless of style. It’s also good to know what colors look best with your skin tone so you can shop accordingly. Accessories are an important aspect of any outfit, sending the message that you are a woman who pays attention to details. Hats, gloves, scarves, headbands, sunglasses, and jewelry are all pieces that can add flair to your overall look. A nice pair of shoes is the icing on the cake.

Aside from the clothing side of things, a man wants to see his woman taking care of her hair, skin, and nails. When it comes to hair: some men like it straight, some men like it wavy, some men like it curly; some like black, some like brown, some like red, some like blonde; some like it longer, some like it shorter; some like your hair up, some like your hair down. When it comes to skin: some men like it fair, some men like it tanned; some like a full face of makeup, some like a minimalist look; some like it tattooed, some like it untouched. When it comes to nails: some like them painted, some like them bare; some like them long, some like them short; some like them oval shaped, some like them square shaped. Men’s tastes vary. As I pointed out previously, the one thing all men care about is the effort you put in. The bottom line is this: are your hair, skin, and nails healthy? And are you presenting them in a way that pleases your husband?

Beyond clothing, hair, skin, and nails, is your body language. Do you smile frequently, showing that you are kind and approachable? Do you have a posture that exudes elegance and confidence? Do you walk in a womanly way? Do you sit down in a delicate manner? Do you practice slow and deliberate movements? Utilizing body language in a way that is refined and sophisticated will upgrade your look astronomically.

Single ladies and wives who put effort into their appearance will always warrant a second look from a man. On the conscious level, a man who sees a drop-dead-gorgeous woman sees a stunning vision – he’ll want to see more where that came from. On the subconscious level, a man who sees a woman that takes care of herself sees “wife material” – for a woman that can take care of herself is surely a woman that can take care of her husband and children. Additional tip (one that may ruffle some feathers): A trim physique is a key component of looking your best. “Letting yourself go” will diminish your beauty like nothing else.

If you would be your man’s “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”, be sure to speak to his sense of sight.

You are altogether beautiful, my darling, and there is no blemish in you. – Song of Solomon 4:7

The fourth way to ignite the 5 senses of a man is by cultivating…

The fourth sense Tal Bachman brings to our attention in his song “She’s So High” is the sense of taste.

A sense-able wife knows that her appetizing, succulent flavor will make her husband’s mouth water. She recognizes that “wining and dining” her man causes him to connect her company with pleasure. Whether her husband settles in to feast upon her food or her figure, he can expect to be be treated to a fine dining experience each and every time. What she has to offer is not only satisfying and satiating, but sensational.

It has long been said that, “the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach”. And while I would argue that there is a much more direct route to your husband’s heart (read: below the belt), don’t be too quick to dismiss food altogether as a means of romantic bonding. Consider this: when two or more individuals (even strangers) dine together, sharing mutual enjoyment over a scrumptious meal, a sort of “agreement” occurs. Though the diners may have little else in common, they are forced to acquiesce on one point: their mutually satisfied palate. If this sort of shallow, surface bonding can occur between persons of mere acquaintance, how much more can a shared dining experience unify the hearts of two individuals who are romantically inclined? It’s no surprise that restaurants continue to be a favored destination of courting couples, generation after generation. Tasty food has always been, and will always be, a bonding agent.

Now, don’t be discouraged if cuisine cooking isn’t your forte. One typically doesn’t have to be a gourmet chef in order to titillate her man’s taste buds…she simply needs to serve food that he enjoys. Whether you painstakingly prepare a 7 course meal, fry up some meat and potatoes, or pop a TV dinner into the microwave, as long as you’re cooking to your husband’s desires, you’re going to have a happy man. The average guy is concerned about two things when it comes to his mealtimes: the flavor and the fellowship. Make the flavor delicious and the fellowship delightful, and a meal with you will feel like heaven on earth.

To add a sense of romanticism, identify at least one food or beverage that you and your man particularly enjoy, and reserve that special treat for your alone time together. Maybe it’s an exotic fruit, a chocolate bar, a pasta dish, a flavored tea, or a sparkling water that feels luxurious when shared with your lover. If you save such luxuries for those occasions when it’s just you and him, it will serve to enhance your time of togetherness. A shared cooking experience (if your husband is interested in such) can also bring an extra layer of enjoyment to a meal. Try new things every now and again, and attempt to activate his every taste bud by experimenting with different combinations of the five flavors: sweet, salty, savory, sour, and bitter.

Of course, food isn’t the only thing a man is interested in tasting from his woman. At the end of the day, anyone can lawfully satisfy your husband’s appetite for a woman’s food – but only you can lawfully satisfy his appetite for a woman’s figure. Let him get a taste of your luscious lips and your sultry secrets. When it comes to luscious lips: apply a delectable lip gloss, and it will send your husband over the moon when he tastes it. When it comes to sultry secrets: your husband wants to taste you – so keep it fresh down there at all times – you just never know when that man will have the overwhelming desire to get a taste of “girl”!

Single ladies and wives can both have the satisfaction of nurturing a man by serving him tasty victuals. But that is where the comparison ends; all other tasting should be off limits until wedding bells have rung! Additional tip: if a man asks you which restaurant you want to eat at, he values your opinions. Give them.

If you would be your man’s “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”, be sure to speak to his sense of taste.

Your lips, my bride, drip honey; honey and milk are under your tongue. – Song of Solomon 4:11a

The fifth and final way to ignite the 5 senses of a man is by cultivating…

The last (fifth) sense Tal Bachman brings to our attention in his song “She’s So High” is the sense of sound.

A sense-able wife knows that her gentle, soothing voice is like sweet music to her husband’s ears. She recognizes that the way she speaks to her husband, down to the very tone of her voice, communicates whether she holds a low view of him or a high esteem for him. She expresses herself in a calm, cool, and composed manner in every situation, and doesn’t harp or nag as women of lesser caliber are wont to do.

No one can choose their voice box, but everyone can choose their voice. Your voice box is something you are created with; your voice is something you create with. Almost everyone cringes at the sound of their own voice, but it doesn’t have to be that way. You are the one seated at the sound control panel. You are in charge of setting the volume, pitch, rate, articulation, enunciation, and tone of your speech. Practice bettering each vocal aspect, and over time your voice will become more polished and pristine. Even if you only level up one area per month, in merely six months time the quality of your voice will have improved exponentially. In short order, you will no longer cringe at the sound of your voice…nor will your husband!

Aim for steadiness in your speech patterns. Speak at a steady volume – erring on the quiet side – but don’t speak so quietly that your husband is forced to continually ask you to repeat yourself. Speak at a steady rate – erring on the slow side – but don’t speak so slowly that you bore the man to tears. Speak at a steady pitch – erring on the girlish side – but don’t speak so girlishly that it sounds phony to his ears. Speak with a steady articulation and enunciation – erring on the proper side – but don’t speak so properly that you outshine his level of formality. Speak with a steady tone – erring on the timid side – but don’t speak so timidly that you can’t get a little feisty and frisky with him sometimes. Don’t overthink – just keep it steady!

Aside from your speech patterns, is your speech itself. What kind of words does your husband hear coming out of your lips? Do you use a broad vocabulary, indicating that you are intellectual; or do you speak in a way that is crude and unrefined? Do you talk about positive things, indicating that you are joyful; or do you constantly grumble and complain? Do you limit your chatter, indicating that you are contemplative; or do you let your mouth run non-stop? Your man will be prone to seek your society if he associates you with intellect, joyfulness, and contemplation. Make your speech worth listening to.

Single ladies and wives can both “soothe the savage beast” when they speak in a pleasant, feminine manner. Too many women are gruff and churlish in their speech patterns and their speech itself. If, in contrast, your speech patterns and speech are lovely and ladylike, you’ll surely stand out from the crowd. Additional tip: learn to sing in a sexy tone for your husband…men have always found a “siren” irresistible.

If you would be your man’s “Cleopatra, Joan of Arc, or Aphrodite”, be sure to speak to his sense of sound.

Let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet. – Song of Solomon 2:14b

In conclusion…

If you would ignite the 5 senses of your man, then you must cultivate:

A Sense-Able Touch. A Sense-Able Smell. A Sense-Able Sight. A Sense-Able Taste. A Sense-Able Sound.

Lest anyone dismiss these as frivolous efforts, I would remind you that Christian wives are directed to “be subject to our own husbands as to the Lord”. Imagine you were in the physical presence of Jesus Christ: would you make it a priority to cultivate a beautiful touch, smell, sight, taste, and sound for Him? Or would you dismiss speaking to His senses as mere frivolity? Ladies, there’s no two ways about it: in the most pragmatic sense, impressing our husbands is how we impress Jesus. If we dismiss the calling to be sense-able wives to our husbands, thinking that we must instead pursue some “holier” ministry, we are sadly missing the point on what it means to be a Christian of the female variety. You know, all Christian women want to impress Jesus and hear His glorious words, “well done, good and faithful slave”. Yet how many Christian woman want to impress their husband and hear his glorious words, “she’s touch, smell, sight, taste, and sound”? If you are a sense-able wife – on account of love for God and your husband – these words really mean quite the same thing. Want to impress Jesus? I adjure you, wives, be sense-able!

The King will answer and say to them, Truly I say to you, to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine, even the least of them [far less your husband!], you did it to Me. – Matthew 25:40

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.


They’ve made me feel like a prisoner
They’ve made me feel set free
They’ve made me feel like a criminal
Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart
To places I’d never been
And they’ve dragged me down
Back to where I began

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

– Excerpt from “Words” by Hawk Nelson

The emphasis these song lyrics place on the power of words is spot on. Words, and the tones in which we convey them, can go a long way in hurting or healing our hearers. When our words and tones build up others rather than tear them down; when our words and tones start fires in people’s hearts as opposed to putting them out; when our words and tones are life-bringing and truth-bearing, pointing those around us to our King…we are unlocking an indispensable virtue that few (even among the saved) possess: tact.

Tact/tăkt/noun
An acute sensitivity to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others, including the ability to speak or act without offending.

There will be times in all of our lives when we are forced to have uncomfortable conversations with other people. We might be in a position where we must provide constructive criticism, correct a mistake, or rebuke sin. We might be in a position where we must give an answer before a false accuser. We might be in a position where we must hold a firm boundary, whether biblical or personal. Knowing how to remain tactful, even during the most unpleasant of conversations, is an absolute essential for godly womanhood.

Hawk Nelson’s line, “let my words be life, let my words be truth“, describes the band’s desire to speak the truth in love. You know, it’s pretty easy to speak words of life…if you’ve got the right personality for it. It’s also pretty easy to speak words of truth…if you’ve got the right personality for it. What is difficult for most, is having that uncommon ability to speak life and truth simultaneously, regardless of one’s personality: learning to communicate amiably and assertively, beautifully and boldly, delicately and directly, all at the same time. A lady who consistently practices speaking the truth in love is a lady who is keeping in tact.

Do you want to become “acutely sensitive to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others”? Do you want to sharpen your “ability to speak or act without offending”? Do you want to be keeping in tact? In today’s lesson, we will dive into the 3 key elements one needs in order to perfect the art of tactfulness.

Firstly, you must:

Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes.

– Harry S. Truman

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with (no matter how good or bad they may be) is an invitee of God’s saving grace. Every person on earth – from the most devious of God-haters to the most devout of God-lovers – has intrinsic value, being made in the image of God. When you keep this truth before your eyes, it will prevent you from “messing up the shine” on anyone’s shoes.

If you approached every conversation with humility, keeping in mind that you are merely one puny image-bearing creature of dust communicating with another, what would that look like? Would you scream and shout at your fellow image-bearer? Would you belittle and demean them? Would you dish out threats and insults? Would you speak in a disdainful, condescending tone? Would you treat them to a hideous glare? Would you point an accusing finger in their face? Would you strip them of their dignity?

How we see people goes a long way in how we treat them. Now, please note that I am not saying, “accept everyone as they are, and tolerate the sins of others”. We should identify enemies of the cross and try to limit our exposure to them. We should be wary and distrustful of those who wrong us time and time again (sans repentance). We should protect ourselves from careless people who repeatedly stomp all over our boundaries. Nevertheless, we should not lose sight of an enemy’s innate humanity. Keep a healthy distance from toxic individuals, yes…but when you must interact with them, do so with the respect due a fellow image-bearer.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. – Genesis 1:27

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person. – Colossians 4:6 (emphasis added)

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep His Grace, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

Secondly, you must…

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

– Dr. Seuss

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with has a place. Whether in home, church, or government, each person has a specialized rank in the chain of authority. What is yours? Knowing your place in the three tiers above will ensure you “never mix up your right foot with your left”.

Allow me to be frank: a woman’s place – in home, church, and government – is a place of subjection:

A woman of the home is to be subject to her husband’s authority: Ephesians 5:22
A woman of the church is to be subject to her leaders’ authority: 1 Corinthians 14:34
A woman of the nation is to be subject to her rulers’ authority: Titus 3:1

Anytime subordinates forsake and abandon their proper place of subjection, mass chaos is sure to ensue:

O my people! Their oppressors are children, and women rule over them. O my people! Those who guide you lead you astray and confuse the direction of your paths. – Isaiah 3:12 (emphasis added)

If you approached every conversation with humility, remembering your appropriate place (as well as the appropriate place of the person you are speaking with), what would that look like? Would you shame your husband by drawing attention to his shortcomings? Would you assert your opinions from the church pew, essentially preaching by proxy? Would you cop an attitude with a police officer or government official? Would you assume a place of authority over men with a grossly unfeminine, brazen, take-charge persona?

Many women believe that reproving, rebuking, and exhorting are the God-given rights – and perhaps even the God-given responsibilities – of all Christians, of all genders, all of the time. Anytime they become offended or detect a sin in someone, they feel it is their sacred duty to “set the record straight“. I heartily disagree with this viewpoint. For one thing, the admonition to “reprove, rebuke, and exhort” was given to a very specific individual, AKA Timothy: an adult man, an authority figure, and a gospel preacher. For another, even Timothy was given limitations on his authority to correct (i.e. Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father. – 1 Timothy 5:1a). If Timothy, a man, an authority, and a preacher, was not given full license to dish out severe correction to whomever he pleased, why do some women feel so free to voice their loud discontent with anyone and everyone in their life? When we feel compelled to give constructive criticism, correct a mistake, or rebuke sin, we should first consider our place. Are we dealing with our child? Someone else’s child? A single woman? A married woman? A man? All of these scenarios demand a different approach, as opposed to being “one-size-fits-all”. It all comes down to our honoring the chain of authority, and keeping our appropriate place as feminine beings.

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity. – Deuteronomy 25:11-12
(What does this strange O.T. law point out for us today? That it has always been a most detestable and punishable thing for a woman to “wield a man by the testicles”. Even if a woman believes herself to have good intentions, she is never to step outside of her feminine place to “spar” with a man. I believe this also applies to bandying words with men. The fairer sex is, in fact, called to “win without a word” – 1 Peter 3:1)

A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. – 1 Timothy 2:11-12

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep Your Place, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

Thirdly and lastly, you must…

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

– Howard W. Newton

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with needs their space. The old adage, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” applies to people as much as it does to horses. No matter how correct we are (or think we are), we don’t have the authority to remove another adult’s right to choose – their free will. Attempting to do so is a surefire way to “make an enemy”.

If you approached every conversation with humility, allowing others the freedom to agree or disagree with you, what would that look like? Would you close your ears to any belief that didn’t align perfectly with your own? Would you stubbornly argue your point until a tense discussion escalated into a fight? Would you micromanage the other person’s lifestyle afterward, to make sure they had fallen in line with your wishes? Would you give them the cold shoulder if they in any way fell short of your expectations?

You have likely been in the presence of someone who makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around them…someone whose pressuring personality makes everyone in the room feel like their best isn’t good enough…someone whose dominating will reigns supreme. If you’ve never been in this uncomfortable situation, the person I’ve just described might be you…though I hope this is not the case. There is nothing tactful about a bully, especially one of the female variety. An overbearing man is most unpleasant to be around, but nothing is quite so insufferable as an overbearing woman…such brash creatures are the antithesis of femininity. The truth is, no one likes being around anyone so tyrannical that they cannot accept the concept of free moral agency. Jehovah God Himself has allowed every person, both great and small, the right to make choices for themselves. (Note: this does not imply that people are free from the consequences of their choices) We must allow others the space for personal responsibility also. Giving gentle admonishment (to equals and subordinates) is one thing…but never beat a dead horse.

If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. – Joshua 24:15 (emphasis added)

And He was saying to them all, If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. – Luke 9:23 (emphasis added)

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep Their Space, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

In conclusion…

Like Hawk Nelson, I want to “let my words be life, let my words be truth“. What about you? Do you likewise want to make sure that you are keeping in tact for every conversation you engage in? Then remember…

Tact is keeping His grace: acknowledging that all human beings are image-bearers of the living God.

Tact is keeping your place: acknowledging that all human beings have a rank in the chain of authority.

Tact is keeping their space: acknowledging that all human beings reserve the right to exercise free will.

When we abide by these three key elements, not only will we keep ourselves from falling apart over a conversation, but we’ll do our part to help ensure that the body of Jesus Christ is keeping in tact as well.

​…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, ​from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. – Ephesians 4:15-16 (emphasis added)

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.