Destress the Damsel

“Somewhere in the night a child cries,
A woman weeps and someone dies.
Somewhere in the night, humanity hides.

Somewhere in the night, a soul screams.
As people fade and die, lost in dreams.
Somewhere in the night, reality lives.

Somewhere in the night loneliness dwells
As people die, no sounding bells.
Somewhere in the night, she dies alone.

Somewhere in the night…

Where is the light?”

– “Somewhere in the Night” by Marilyn (user at www.netpoems.com)

Have you ever laid in bed and wondered what was happening “somewhere this second…”? I know I have…

When I was a small child, my father worked third shift at his job. My mother would allow me to crawl up on to their bed in his absence, and we would often lie awake and talk into the wee hours of the morning. Ever the inquisitive girl, I would ask almost nightly, “Mommy, what time is it right now in China?”. My mother would then proceed to calculate an estimate to satisfy my curiosity. I was fascinated by the fact that “somewhere this second”, while I was lying inside in the darkness, there was another little girl halfway around the globe playing outside in the sunshine.

As I have grown into adulthood, I no longer have a drilling curiosity about the time in China. (I assume it was more fun asking my mom to calculate the difference for me then as opposed to looking it up on my smartphone myself now!) Still, I do often lie in bed and meditate somberly about what is happening “somewhere this second”. Sometimes I think about:

As I lay in bed, it often occurs to me how healthy and whole my soma (body) is. I lie next to my husband in a comfortable bed in a temperature controlled room. I have little to no aches or pains. I am at ease physically.

But what about “out there”? Somewhere this second, someone’s soma is suffering…

Somewhere this second, someone lies in a hospital bed with broken bones after surviving a car accident. Someone with cancer receives another excruciating round of chemotherapy. Someone has lost a limb fighting for our freedom overseas.

Somewhere this second, someone is vomiting for their third day in a row of having the flu. Someone’s virus-infected body is racked with coughs. Someone is holed up in a dark room struggling with a migraine.

Somewhere this second, a man’s body aches after hours of hard labor for his family. A woman winces as she looks at her bruises in the mirror after her husband’s angry drunken episode. A baby is violently removed from the safety of his mother’s womb due to abortion.

The Lord is concerned about each person’s soma. I too, will have concern.

Remember them that are in bonds, as bound with them; and them which suffer adversity, as being yourselves also in the body. – Hebrews 13:3

Sometimes I think about:

As I lay in bed, it often occurs to me how happy and whole my soul is. I lie next to my husband enjoying a loving marriage and a fulfilling life. I have few regrets behind me or challenges before me. I am at ease emotionally.

But what about “out there”? Somewhere this second, someone’s soul is suffering…

Somewhere this second, someone is going through a divorce they never wanted in the first place. Someone is sitting in a waiting room while their loved one is dying. Someone is being betrayed by their friend.

Somewhere this second, someone is depressed because they feel that no one loves them. Someone is hating every second of their dead-end job. Someone is watching their home burn to the ground.

Somewhere this second, a man is feeling beaten down and incompetent because of a wife who belittles and berates him. A woman who has been raped is weeping alone in the darkness, afraid to tell anyone of her (undeserved) newfound shame. A child is longing for the day he/she can be emancipated and move far away from the loveless home of father and mother.

The Lord is concerned about each person’s soul. I too, will have concern.

Defend the poor and fatherless: do justice to the afflicted and needy. Deliver the poor and needy: rid them out of the hand of the wicked. – Psalm 82:3-4

Sometimes I think about:

As I lay in bed, it often occurs to me how holy and whole my spirit is. I lie next to my husband in the joyful security that I have been made righteous through Christ’s atonement. I know where my eternal home is as I continue walking in His light. I am at ease spiritually.

But what about “out there”? Somewhere this second, someone’s spirit is suffering…

Somewhere this second, someone doesn’t yet know the Lord. Someone is giving up their faith in God after suffering a hardship. Someone is walking out on the church and never looking back.

Somewhere this second, someone is doubting the existence of a divine Creator. Someone is cursing God with their words and their lifestyle. Someone is believing the error someone spoon-fed them instead of investigating scripture for themselves.

Somewhere this second, a man dies without obeying the gospel. A woman is in church alone, while her husband stays home. An innocent child believes his parents when they say that Jesus is only make-believe; the Bible only a fairy tale.

The Lord is concerned about each person’s spirit. I too, will be concerned.

And of some have compassion, making a difference: And others save with fear, pulling them out of the fire; hating even the garment spotted by the flesh. – Jude 22-23

In conclusion…

When you lie in bed, take a few moments once in a while to consider what is happening “somewhere this second”.

Ruminations such as these serve two purposes:

1. To build in us a solemn gratitude for the good moments in our own lives. We all will experience hardships in life to some extent, as it is the fallen nature of our world. We would do well to cherish the good times as they come to us, and not take them for granted.
2. To build in us a genuine compassion for others in distress. We may not be able to go out and solve all the problems in the world, but by taking somber note of them, we are more aware and eager to help when such opportunities present themselves.

My childhood question has grown from “what time is it in China?” to “what times are they having in China?”.

And our hope of you is stedfast, knowing, that as ye are partakers of the sufferings, so shall ye be also of the consolation. For we would not brethren, have you ignorant of our trouble which came to us in Asia, that we were pressed out of measure, above strength, insomuch that we despaired even of life…” – 2 Corinthians 1:7-8

For God’s glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

“…Don’t tell me you’re sorry, ’cause you’re not
Baby, when I know you’re only sorry you got caught

But you put on quite a show
Really had me going
But now it’s time to go
Curtain’s finally closing
That was quite a show
Very entertaining
But it’s over now
Go on and take a bow.”

– Chorus from “Take a Bow” by Rihanna 

This song accurately describes how empty apologies often are…they can be so fake that it’s like watching a theatrical performance! Our society has found itself in a “sorry” situation: one where apologizing has been diminished to nothing more than meaningless words that are not backed up by action. Most of us have probably been guilty of giving a hollow apology at one time or another, as well as being on the receiving end of one. People nowadays say “sorry” for a myriad of reasons, but the least of these reasons tends to be a truly penitent heart.

Am I saying that the word “sorry” should be thrown out with yesterday’s trash? Well, not exactly. The words “I’m sorry”, just like the words “I love you”, can be devoid of any semblance of truth. On the flip side, these words can be filled with the utmost sincerity. The words don’t hold the power, but rather, the person speaking them. I believe that “sorry” can be reclaimed as a meaningful word if it is used honestly and appropriately.

“It’s not that ‘sorry’ doesn’t mean anything; it just doesn’t mean anything when some people say it… Don’t be one of those people.”– Steve Maraboli

How can you be sure that you are truly sorry when you apologize to someone, and not “only sorry you got caught”? In today’s lesson, we will discover the three characteristics of a genuine “sorry”. Characteristic #1:

The term “hard and fast” is defined as: a rule or distinction that is fixed/definitive.

When we use the word “sorry”, we are in essence saying, “My action was wrong, therefore I am definitively purposing to amend my path.” We are implying that, “it won’t happen again”. Is it possible that we will fail to keep this resolution? Absolutely…we humans tend to stumble and fall back into sinful behavior more often than not. However, even if we fail at times to uphold the changed behavior we have resolved to keep, overall there will be a change in us too great to escape notice. We may fall, but we fall far less frequently. We may fall, but we stand up quicker than before. We may fall, but we no longer justify our actions. There is definitively a new “us”, one that is fixed on redeeming our past errors and no longer residing in them unashamedly.

“Sacrifice is at the heart of repentance. Without deeds, your apology is worthless.” – Bryan Davis

When we fail, saying “sorry” is a good start, but it must be coupled with a hard-and-fast sacrifice…otherwise, our words are deceitful.

Imagine this scenario…someone accidentally bumps into you with their shopping cart at the grocery store, in Aisle 1. They quickly say, “sorry!”. You both proceed to Aisle 2, where that same shopper bumps into you with their cart again, and then says, “sorry!” You then move to Aisle 3 – where lo and behold – the selfsame shopper comes barreling into you with their cart and says yet again, “sorry!” You might begin to assume that “sorry” doesn’t have a lot of weight coming from the other shopper. The word comes out easily, but they have not made any attempt to watch where they are going.

Now let’s re-imagine the scenario…someone accidentally bumps into you with their shopping cart at the grocery store, in Aisle 1. They quickly say, “sorry!” You both proceed to Aisle 2, where the same shopper almost bumps into you with their cart again, and then says, “boy, that was a close one – I better watch where I’m going!”. You then move to Aisle 3, where the selfsame shopper leaves a wide path for you to get through and says with an apologetic laugh, “I’m not risking running into you again – you go on ahead!”

In which scenario was the “sorry” genuine? Sure, the other shopper was somewhat unaware in both scenes, maybe even a bit of a klutz, but the concerted effort to change is noticeable in scene 2. The shopper noticed their clumsiness and made their “sorry” hard-and-fast, so they would not continue to make the same mistake. It is much the same with more serious infractions. We don’t go from flawed to perfect overnight…but can others see that we are definitively being transformed to betterment?

“Right actions in the future are the best apologies for bad actions in the past.” – Tyron Edwards

Did you use a disrespectful tone towards your husband? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by resolving to show him a more meek and quiet spirit next time. Did you show up late when meeting with a friend? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by leaving the house earlier next time. Did you forget to follow through on a favor for a colleague? Apologize, but make sure your “sorry” is hard-and-fast by writing yourself a note or setting a phone reminder next time. Do you see a pattern? “Sorry” is all about next time…what we do to change our behavior after the damage has already been done.

…Behold, thou art made whole: sin no more, lest a worse thing come unto thee. – John 5:14b [emphasis mine]

When you say, “sorry”, is it hard-and-fast? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

Now, for Characteristic #2:

The term “hand over fist” is defined as: something given quickly and in large amounts. 

When we realize we owe an apology to someone, it ought to be done as soon as possible and as lavishly as possible. If we have hurt someone, it should spur in us a desire to make it up to them…generously! A haphazard, too-little-too-late kind of sorry is insulting to the one who has been wronged. What’s worse is a sorry coupled with a slew of excuses. The word “sorry”, should never be followed by the word, “but”.

“Apologies require taking full responsibility. No half-truths, no partial admissions, no rationalizations, no finger pointing, and no justifications belong in an apology.” – Cathy Burnham Martin

I used to know an individual who could not leave an apology at “I’m sorry”. Whenever they acted cruelly during a disagreement, they would casually apologize, but then point the blame at me for supposedly instigating their volatile behavior. Instead of admitting their own negative actions, they used the “apology” as a chance to further argue and belittle. This unpleasant past experience has taught me, in Golden Rule fashion, not to treat others to the faux sort of apology that comes with a catch. When I apologize, I try to make a point to humble myself enough to only focus on what I did wrong to another, not what another did wrong to me. The funny thing is, when we apologize to others in such a humble way, they often tend to be convicted to the point of returning the apology (if they bore any negative role in the situation). Everyone comes out a winner when humility takes the place of defensive pride.

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.” – Benjamin Franklin

In parenting, some feel hesitant to apologize for losing their cool or being overtly harsh when their child misbehaves. They are afraid that if they apologize, it will make their child feel justified in their bad behavior or lose the sense of their parent’s authority. I have found that quite the opposite is true. When we apologize to our children, it not only shows them our humanity, but it models how to humble themselves and ask for forgiveness when they have done wrong. Whatever you do, resist the urge to use an apology as a springboard for a lecture. This falls back into the “I’m sorry, but…” routine. Such an apology will only raise your child’s ire and your words will go in one ear and out the other. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry I yelled at you, but you really did a bad thing, etc. etc…”, try this: “I’m sorry Mommy yelled at you. I really overreacted and I shouldn’t have been so harsh towards you.” and leave it at that. When I have taken this softhearted approach, my child has never failed to respond in kind…”No Mommy, I am the one who did wrong…I’m sorry, too”. You both get the apology you are owed, and in so doing, you will have won the heart of your child.

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. – Proverbs 15:1

When you say, “sorry”, is it hand-over-fist? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

Now, for Characteristic #3:

The term heartfelt is defined as: something that is deeply and strongly felt; a sincere feeling.

While feelings should never be the only thing impelling an apology, it is certain that an apology devoid of any feeling is an untruth, and sickening to the recipient. We should only offer apologies after we have trained our emotions to empathize with the individual we have hurt, that our “sorry” will be in earnest.

We’ve all seen two children being forced to give an apology to each other whilst holding onto rotten attitudes. The tell-tale signs of a lack of authenticity abound: heads turning dramatically away from the other child, rolling eyes, frowning lips, and pitiful “sorry’s” spoken in nearly inaudible mumbles. A sad sight! I hold that forcing untimely apologies is a poor parenting technique, for it only serves to train the children to say words that they don’t mean. How much better to teach the child to first gain hold of their feelings and then to give an authentic apology from the heart?

“When anger and bitterness overpower your goodness, you can neither apologize nor forgive.”– Balroop Singh

Children aren’t the only ones who struggle to feel sorry in the heat of the moment. What should you do when you don’t feel sorry, but you know you should be sorry? Well, knowing is half the battle, right? Once you know that you have done wrong, the next line of action is to work on training your emotions to follow that knowledge. Pray to the Lord and ask that he would soften you enough to feel in your heart what you know is right in your spirit. Try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes…think about how hurtful your behavior was from their perspective. Sometimes it’s even helpful to talk to the other person (especially if it is a close loved one you can trust). Confess to them that, while you know you have hurt them, you are in a dark space and struggling to gain a foothold on your feelings about the matter. Assure them that you love them and that this conversation is not over…only put on pause until you have effectively conquered your heart issue. When you gain your composure and your heart is soft, you can approach them with a true apology from the heart…a weight lifted for both you and them.

“Saying sorry to someone is hard… but putting your pride down for someone is the hardest.”– Cristina Orante

Say no to these faux statements:

“I’m sorry, but…”
“I’m sorry, I guess…”
“I’m sorry you’re mad…”

None of these pitiful apologies will do in the life of a Christian. Let your apology be sincere and in earnest, or let it be put on hold.

For thou desirest not sacrifice, else would I give it…the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit: a broken and a contrite heart… – excerpt from Psalm 51:16-17

When you say, “sorry”, is it heart-felt? If not, I’m afraid you’re not truly sorry…you’re just in a “sorry” situation!

In conclusion…

Not sure whether you’re “sorry”, or “only sorry you got caught”? Remember, in order to be genuine, a sorry must be hard-and-fast, hand-over-fist, and heart-felt. Without these three vital characteristics, we are merely in a “sorry” situation. Make your words count. Saying sorry can bring healing to others, if we show we truly mean it with our changing actions…if we take full responsibility for our error…and if it is offered from the heart. If you owe someone an apology, don’t withhold it from them any longer. Go make peace.

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God. – Matthew 5:9

For God’s glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

The first line of action in a dental appointment is to scrape away the pesky plaque and tartar that builds up on teeth in between appointments. No matter how healthy of an eater a patient may be, none are immune from sugars building up on their teeth and causing decay. The dentist must scrape away the filth in order to get our pearly whites back to a clean and healthy state.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of removing filth. No matter how godly an individual may be, none are immune to sin that builds up and causes spiritual decay:

They are all gone aside, they are all together become filthy: there is none that doeth good, no, not one. – Psalm 14:3

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #2:

The second line of action in a dental appointment is to furbish the teeth with a high-powered electric brush. This scrubs away at any remaining plaque and tartar that may have been left behind after the scraping/scaling, leaving the teeth squeaky clean and polished.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of furbishing. He doesn’t merely scrape away the filth that is on the surface, but he scrubs and polishes until that which is underneath the surface is whiter than snow.

Purge me with hyssop, and I shall be clean: wash me, and I shall be whiter than snow. – Psalm 51:7

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #3:

The third line of action in a dental appointment is to administer a professional floss between the teeth. Plaque and tartar can hide away in hard to reach spots that can only be reached by flossing. The flossing process can also help detect any problem spots where excessive bleeding might occur that points to gum disease.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the flossing business. He is concerned about cleaning up those “in-between” areas of our spirit…the places where we have become hard to reach because of some hidden sin we are clinging on to.

…cleanse thou me from secret faults. – Psalm 19:12b 

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #4:

The fourth line of action in a dental appointment is to flush out debris by rinsing the mouth out with clean water. After all that scraping, polishing, and flossing, one can only imagine how much icky residue is still left behind!

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of flushing away debris. Even after our filth has been removed, and our furbishing and flossing have been taken care of, there is still bound to be some gunk in our spirit moving forward. It comes with the fleshly territory. Thank goodness Jesus has the power to rinse it away.

Then will I sprinkle clean water upon you, and ye shall be clean: from all your filthiness, and from all your idols, will I cleanse you. – Ezekiel 36:25

But wait, there’s more! Heavenly Hygiene Item #5:

The fifth and final line of action in a dental appointment is to coat the teeth with a fluoride treatment. This is meant to serve as a protective barrier against cavities for several months in between cleanings.

Jesus, like a dentist, is in the business of fluoride treatment. He doesn’t merely clean us up and hit the road, but he covers and equips us by providing us with protective barriers against further decay. (i.e. the Bible, the Holy Spirit, our church family, the fruit of the Spirit, the armor of God, etc.)

I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you. Yet a little while, and the world seeth me no more; but ye see me: because I live, ye shall live also. – John 14:18-19

In conclusion…

Next time you pay a visit the dentist, I hope you will be reminded of the “Dentist” that wants to pay a visit to you.

How is your Heavenly Hygiene? Are you due for an appointment with Jesus? He is more than qualified to deal with the filth, the furbish, the floss, the flush, and the fluoride. And get this – He is so concerned with your Heavenly Hygiene that He will come visit you wherever you are. Now that is one determined dentist! If you have questions about how to become a “patient” of Jesus, please visit my past article entitled “Buy Four, Get One Free“.

And the very God of peace sanctify you wholly; and I pray God your whole spirit and soul and body be preserved blameless unto the coming of our Lord Jesus Christ. – 1 Thessalonians 5:23

For God’s Glory,
CA Bolks

Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.