Destress the Damsel


The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender.
There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind.
There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined.
There are enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith.

– Margaret D. Nadauld

Tender…kind…refined…I agree wholeheartedly with Miss Margaret that these lovely words encapsulate a “woman of faith”. More specifically, they define a feminine woman of faith. See, there are many women who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and have confessed, repented, and been baptized, yet they remain tough, coarse, and rude. Why is this? I believe that often we put an emphasis on being a good person, but put little-to-no emphasis on being a good woman – that is, leaning into our feminine attributes and living out our faith in accordance with our God-ordained gender. The modern church operates under the false notion that we all live out our faith exactly alike, but this is simply untrue. Men and women are different, period. Our Christian walk should reflect these differences. (i.e. A man lives out his faith in a masculine way, while a woman lives out her faith in a feminine way) Let us consider the following examples:

Can a man be godly while being tough, coarse, and rude? I suggest to you that he can! This world needs tough, coarse – and yes, sometimes even rude (read: direct, blunt) – military personnel, police officers, CEOs, lawyers, store managers, husbands, fathers, etc. Tough, coarse, “rude” men toe the line – keeping the bad guys at bay and the good guys on the straight ‘n narrow. Long live the John Waynes of the world.

Can a woman be godly while being tough, coarse, and rude? I suggest to you that she cannot. This world does not need any more tough, coarse, and rude daughters, wives, mothers, homemakers, etc. Rather, it is the tender, kind, refined woman that is needed in the field, bedroom, nursery, kitchen, ad nauseam. We, unlike men, are not designed as rock-hard protectors, providers, and promoters…but as silk-soft nurturers.

Here at Destress the Damsel, our mission is not merely learning to be good people. We damsels are also interested in leveling up our femininity, and learning to be good women – tender, kind, and refined. Each of these words can be summed up in one beautiful, distinctly feminine quality: softness. A true woman of faith ought to be as soft as silk. If you want to learn more about being a soft woman, join us for today’s article, where I will share three blessings that the womanly trait of softness will offer to those around us.

Firstly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…


A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the tone of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who spoke in a sharp, shrill, shriek? With loud and obnoxious intonation, she garners the attention of everyone in the room…but not in a good way. Typically, the unbecoming “shrieks” come in the form of demands, commands, and reprimands. Whether it’s her husband, her children, or her restaurant server, there always seems to be someone on the receiving end of her marked fury, made known by the tone of her words. The sharp, shrill, shrieking woman relies on dominance and authority (distinctly masculine traits) to wield those around her like pawns on a chess board. When my brother was a lad, he comically referred to this sort as the “loud mouth schnook”. May we never be described in such a way! There is nothing submissive and docile (distinctly feminine traits) about a woman whose larynx resembles a foghorn. Remember: tender, kind, refined…soft.

It’s not so much what you say, as the manner in which you say it;
It’s not so much the language you use, as the tone in which you convey it;
Words may be mild and fair, but the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air, but the tone may break my heart.
– Anonymous

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken sound. She does not emasculate and place her husband under her by speaking down to him. She honors him with a tone of humility fit for a king…even if her man is more along the lines of a court jester. She does not fume, fuss, and bark orders at her children. She guides them with a tone of gentility…even if they happen to be “Sons of Belial” like Hophni and Phineas of old. She does not speak in clipped tones of exasperation to her restaurant server. She maintains a tone of civility…even if they have poor customer service or make mistakes. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the tone of our words fall delicately upon our listeners, like soft music.

Let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet… – Song of Solomon 2:14c

Secondly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…


A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the taste of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who constantly belittled, derided, and criticized those around her? Such a woman resembles a porcupine: all pins and needles. Rather than looking for the good and praiseworthy in others, she thrives off of their shortcomings…for she is at her “happiest” when she’s griping and groaning, or ranting and raving. If her husband gets a fact wrong while telling a story, she cannot discreetly signal the mistake to him or let it slide…she considers it her duty to correct him in the presence of all (to his embarrassment). If her child disobeys, she cannot simply chide him or dish out a suitable consequence…she gives full vent to her anger by way of droning lectures and rash punishments. If her restaurant server messes up her order, she cannot sweetly ask for a remake or contentedly roll with the error…she complains vehemently to management and let’s everyone know that she won’t be visiting the dining establishment again. Her words (or rather: her barbs, stings, and jabs) say nothing of a tender, kind, refined, soft lady. Prickly words don’t go down easy, nor are they sweet to taste.

To belittle, you have to be little. – Kahlil Gibran

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken snack. Her tasteful words build up her husband’s self-worth and masculine ego, rather than tear them down. She is his lover, not his mother. She is his cheerleader, not his critic. She is his subordinate, not his superior. Her tasteful words are like sweet treats for her children. She encourages right behavior with gladness and discourages wrong behavior with sadness. She sometimes uses words of scolding, but never words of scalding. She does not return evil for evil, or insult for insult. Her tasteful words are gracious and polite to her restaurant server. She acts as customer, rather than slaveholder. She expresses thanksgiving, rather than entitlement. She makes requests, rather than demands. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the taste of our words be easily and cheerfully swallowed down by our listeners, like soft ice cream.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. – Proverbs 16:24

Thirdly and lastly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…


A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the tithe of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who talked from the moment her feet hit the floor, to the moment her head hit the pillow? One feels they can’t get a moment’s peace when she’s around, and her mindless blathering is nauseating. If only she spoke a tenth of what she does, perhaps others would not tune her out or take little interest in her one-sided conversation. Her husband is wearied by her neediness, grasping for his undivided attention. Her children are wearied by her self-centeredness, boring them with personal anecdotes. Her waiter is wearied by her unawareness, keeping him from tending to other customers. Rather than her presence allowing others a calm place to rest, she makes others wish she would give it a rest! She doesn’t know when enough is enough, and pays little attention to social cues such as her listener saying “oh…that’s interesting” for the 50th time, or staring wistfully off into the distance, wishing they were anywhere but in her clutches. She has not learned to be a tender, kind, refined, soft lady…she never stopped yapping long enough to receive instruction and better herself.

It makes your words really expensive if you don’t talk that much. – Lisa Glamour

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken sheet. She tithes her words toward her husband. She is always available and accessible to him, but she also allows him the necessary space to get work done, have time for personal reflection, or simply enter into his “nothing box”. She tithes her words toward her children. She closes her mouth, while opening her ears to their hopes and dreams, taking interest in their hobbies, and seeking to understand their little world. She tithes her words toward her restaurant server. She is friendly but not overly forward, is honest with herself about how much clucking an acquaintance really cares to hear, and is sensitive of his duty to carry on with his job. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the tithe of our words give our listeners a rest, like soft bedding.

…The dream comes through much effort and the voice of a fool through many words. – Ecclesiastes 5:3

In conclusion…

Would you be a feminine woman of faith: a tender, refined, kind woman who is soft as silk?

Then you must seek to bless others with the silken sound, the silken snack, and the silken sheet.

Seek to make the tone of your words like soft music, the taste of your words like soft ice cream, and the tithe of your words like soft bedding. Others will be able to recline, relax, and retire in your soft, silken, feminine presence when you bless them with a soothing melody, a delightful treat, and a cozy lounge.

By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone. – Proverbs 25:15

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

A Fool’s Errands

by


The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say.

– J.R.R. Tolkien

Hearth and home are the hallowed haunts of a humble housewife. (Note to self: must stop alliterating!) There are times, however, when it is apropos for the housewife to emerge from her haven, and “pursue [the Road] with eager feet…where many paths and errands meet.” One of these times is on “errand day”.

Errands: love ’em or hate ’em, somebody’s gotta do ’em. If you are a wife, that “somebody” will likely be you. Like any housewifely job, running errands can be viewed as a menial chore, or a meaningful charter. I’ll cast my vote for the latter perspective. A worker at home can aid her husband tremendously by taking responsibility for the household errands, thus fulfilling her role as his suitable helper. A simple errand day may seem insignificant, but the enactment thereof reveals much about a homemaker’s character. Blessed is the man whose heart safely trusts in his wife to handle such tasks as shopping and paying the bills…with equal parts diligence and dignity. You can learn a lot about a woman just by the way she runs her errands.

How is your character on “errand day”? Do you accomplish your tasks in a diligent and dignified manner? Are you striving to avoid folly? Can your husband honestly say he is well-pleased by your performance?

If you are a housewife who desires to consecrate every last part of her life to the Lord, that means even something as unremarkable as an “errand day” should be examined and adjusted for His good purpose. In today’s lesson, we are going to hop into the cute little vintage car of a foolish housewife as she goes about her day running A Fool’s Errands. “Huh?! Why would we do this?” Well, in order to learn what one ought to be, sometimes it’s helpful to see what one ought not to be. Women of wisdom are often made the wiser by observing women of folly; our natural repulsion at their lack of virtuous femininity and good sense guards us against following in their footsteps. In this way, a fool teaches. As Ecclesiastes 10:3 says:

Even when the fool walks along the road, his sense is lacking, and he demonstrates to everyone that he is a fool. (emphasis added)

One might say, “even when the foolish housewife drives around town running errands, her sense is lacking, and she demonstrates to everyone that she is a fool”. Yikes! We don’t want that to be said of us. So, let’s hop in the car with Little Mess Suzy Homemaker and make sure we avoid her foolish mistakes.

Firstly, she’s heading…

When Little Mess S.H. fills her car up with gasoline, she has gallivanting on the brain. The reason she gets out of the house on errand day isn’t to further her household, but to get further from her household. Like many a foolish wife throughout the ages, “her feet do not remain at home” (Proverbs 7:11), and neither does her heart. To such a woman, her home is not perceived as a loved palace, but a loathed prison. Her family is considered a burden; housework a drudgery. Gasoline in the tank means getting out from under the stifling thumb of her husband’s authority, the incessant demands of her little ones’ needs, and the maddeningly unending list of chores. Running errands means leaving all this behind in favor of “me time”. Getting out in public means gathering a juicy tidbit of gossip, and letting the mouth flow freely with bitter complaints. Fueling her car serves to fuel her desire to abandon her domain and dwelling place. (Jude 6) Oh foolish housewife, it would be better not to fuel at the filling station at all than to run A Fool’s Errands.

A wise man is cautious and turns away from evil, but a fool is arrogant and careless. – Proverbs 14:16

Secondly, she’s heading…

When Little Mess S.H. visits the supermarket, she allows her stomach and eyes to guide her food selections, rather than the brain the good Lord gave her. She only picks out items that will pleasure the home, without picking any items that will prepare the home. Instead of thinking ahead by stocking the larder with items the family will surely need down the road, she only thinks as far ahead as days…never weeks or months. Everything she purchases is ready-to-eat/grab n’ go, and her children take that mission to heart – storming the pantry with a vengeance, leaving not a crumb. After all, there’s nothing in there that has to be made from scratch – nutritious, home-cooked meals take too much time and energy. Why would one go to the trouble of making her family’s food, when the warehouse can fill their dining needs just as easily as she can? (Never mind the chemicals!) Plus: bargains are boring; big-box is better. Oh foolish housewife, it would be better not to shop at the grocery store at all than to run A Fool’s Errands.

Four things are small on the earth, but they are exceedingly wise: the ants are not a strong people, but they prepare their food in the summer. – Proverbs 30:24-25

Thirdly, she’s heading…

When Little Mess S.H. walks – or rather, sprints – into an appointment, she’s running behind schedule as usual. She fails to show consideration for the valuable time of the doctor, tax attorney, dentist, class leader, etc. by arriving to their scheduled meeting in a timely manner. (I speak not of unforeseeable setbacks, but of mere carelessness) The world revolves around her time-table, and if others can’t adjust, then that’s too bad for them. If people must wait because of her inability to leave the house on time or remember to bring along the insurance cards, tax documents, or other needed materials, then they simply must wait. And if she doesn’t feel like going out that day? She’ll cancel at the last minute or just not show up. What’s the big deal if she misses an appointment once in a while? It’s not her loss of time or money! All she has to do is reschedule for another day, and see what mood she’s in when that day rolls around. Oh foolish housewife, it would be better not to set up the appointment at all than to run A Fool’s Errands.

Prepare plans by consultation, and make war by wise guidance. – Proverbs 20:18

Fourthly, she’s heading…

When Little Mess S.H. whips out her library card (if she so much as owns one) she’s checking out tripe. She fills her mind with drivel, because rich literature is beyond the levels of both her interest and intellect. The non-fiction books that catch her attention are those that appeal to her feelings (or as she describes them, “her truth”) – self-magnification, female empowerment, “finding yourself”. The fictional novels she selects are ripe with vulgar language, illicit sex, and all manner of degeneracy. Her kids may read whatever book looks “cool” to them, because Mother is too lazy to research the material that is entering into their impressionable minds. Of course, it’s just as likely that Little Mess S.H. and her children do not read at all. Reading is a revered pastime among the wise, but one often diminished – even detested – in the eyes of fools. The library may instead be a social hangout – the local spot where one gathers to gab rather than to glean. Oh foolish housewife, it would be better not to use the library at all than to run A Fool’s Errands.

The mind of the intelligent seeks knowledge, but the mouth of fools feeds on folly. – Proverbs 15:14

Fifthly and lastly, she’s heading…

When Little Mess S.H. waltzes into her financial institution, she nearly sucks the bank account dry. They say “a fool and his money are soon parted”, or perhaps it may also be said thus: “a fool and her husband’s money are soon parted”. A woman who’s high on shopping and low on self-control is a dangerous mix. Wants are prioritized over needs. Bills are forgotten in the face of desires. Savings are tapped into for trifles. Though her husband reminds her that money doesn’t grow on trees, Little Mess S.H. is always armed and ready with a host of excuses for the mounting expenditures. If her man has to work longer hours to afford her lavish lifestyle, so be it. Sure, time spent with her husband and her children’s father is nice and all – but dining out, sporting new outfits, possessing the latest technology, etc. is even nicer. She and the kids are living their best life, so he should be happy that they are enjoying the fruits of his labors! Oh foolish housewife, it would be better not to withdraw from the bank at all than to run A Fool’s Errands.

There is precious treasure and oil in the dwelling of the wise, but a foolish man swallows it up. – Proverbs 21:10

In conclusion…

What a trip! Little Mess Suzy Homemaker sure can run A Fool’s Errands with the best of them. May none of us resemble this foolish housewife while running our own errands to the filling station, the grocery store, the appointment, the library, or the bank. May we aim to be Little Misses, not Little Messes.

May we wisely fuel our cars, carrying love for hearth and home ever before us. May we wisely grocery shop, possessing a spirit of preparation and prudence. May we wisely plan our appointments, keeping on time and on task. May we wisely borrow from the library, holding reverence for Lord and learning. May we wisely withdraw from the bank, revealing contentedness and control. And in all these things, let us show forth cheer and goodwill, lest we make a fool of ourselves simply by way of a rotten attitude. Nothing screams A Fool’s Errands more than the woman who makes a scene everywhere she goes – finding fault with every clerk, cashier, secretary, volunteer, or teller. You can easily spot one of these unfeminine shrews wherever you go: they are demanding, unyielding, discontented, unreasonable, and hideously arrogant.

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her hands. – Proverbs 14:1

None of that folly for us damsels, please and thank you. Our errands are for building, not for breaking.

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.