I see you, focused, strong and healthy;
In satisfying abundance and very happy.
I see you growing in grace and knowledge;
Because life’s experience is the best college.
I see you maturing: fully and so complete;
Into a lovely woman and suitable helpmeet.
I see you, an imperfectly perfect vision;
Full of life, ambition and positive passion.
I see you, with a radiant smile and influence;
And an effervescence that makes a difference.
I see you, a woman of stature and virtue;
Full of dignity, and to whom praise is due.
I see you, with curves and features sexual;
Scintillatingly attractive: a stunning visual.
I see you as beautiful as you can ever become;
A woman: charming and full of compassion.
“I See You” By Dion O. Penville
Do you long for such words of admiration to be said of you? Do you yearn to have your man’s deepest affection and undivided attention? Do you wish to be the sole object of your husband’s every desire? If this sounds like you, I will let you in on a little secret: you need to learn how to “merry” a married man. (That’s *M-E-R-R-Y*, thank you very much, so you can go ahead and get your mind right out of that gutter!) If you can nail down the art of merrying your man, his heart will be yours to keep.
Sounds great, right? But how does a wife go about “merrying” her husband? And isn’t every husband unique in what he wants/needs from his wife? Well, yes and no.
Today, I will share with you the three basic ways to merry any man, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, religion, et cetera, et cetera. Now be forewarned: you will not find relationship tips in this article such as, “put a secret love note in his lunchbox”, or, “tell him how special he is to you every day” and other such fluff. Honestly, those are tips on how to merry your female friends – this is men we’re talking about. You want to win a man, you’ve got to treat him like a man. If that’s not up your alley, you’ll probably want to stop reading right now.
Still with me? Clever girl. Without further ado…
Step #1 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:
It would be ludicrous to write an article about a man’s merriment without mention of priority numero uno: his sex life. A lot of marriages (even Christian marriages) are suffering for one glaring reason: women don’t understand, or seek to understand, the sexual needs of their man. I find it imperative to share with you this enlightening masculine perspective before I wrap up with some of my own feminine thoughts:
…if it were not for abundant testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. Women are, in so many ways, different than men and are so confusing, emotional, irrational and so much trouble that without the sex drive, the vast majority of men would not give a woman the time of day. So, in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place!
…God made sex to bring a husband and wife together in body, soul, and spirit. Among other things, it is the magnet that draws and the glue that binds your husband to you. You women want to have a close and intimate “oneness” relationship with your husband? Sex is the path that God created to draw your man to you and bind the two of you together. Your husband not only has a physical NEED for sex (just like he needs to eat food and drink water to survive), he also has an emotional need for it. Both of these needs were God created so if you despise them, you are despising God.– Portions of a comment by user “Trey” on article “Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex”. Full article/comment can be found at www.thetransformedwife.com
There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. I daresay any man who claims that sex is not of paramount significance to him is either a) lying through his teeth, b) afraid of facing the wrath of his wife by said admission, or c) called to a unique lifestyle of celibacy by the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7). Bottom line, men are sexual beings.
My husband has often said, “sex is the key that opens the door to a man’s heart” and this couldn’t be more evidenced than by our marriage. It’s no secret that I wasn’t exactly my husband’s cup of tea when first we wed, but faithful daily sex (in time) forged between us a stronger bond than I could have dreamed of. We have been married more than eight years, and in my humble opinion, have the most splendid marriage. (This is not to say that we don’t struggle in other areas of life, as we most certainly do) I can truly say that my husband is my best friend and the love of my life, and I owe this in greatest measure to God’s perfect design of “two becoming one flesh”.
If you want to merry your man, your body is the key. Give your man your body, and he will give you his heart. There’s a reason it’s called “making love”…sex softens a husband’s heart and links him to his girl. (Pardon the pun) A glorious, one-flesh marriage is built when two individuals set all reservations aside and give their bodies to each other…unabashedly…every day. No hiding allowed. None of this lights off, pajama wearing, “I’m so nervous” charade. Men are attracted to a confident, sexy wife…he wants you. Your nakedness, your openness, your sensuality. You are one with your husband…own it. You won’t be sorry.
Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. – Genesis 2:24-25
Want to merry a married man? Merry His Anatomy!
Step #2 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:
Apart from a great sex life, a man longs for a woman that he can “do life” with. Are you involved and invested in your man’s activity – that is, his hobbies? I’m of the firm persuasion that a couple that plays together, stays together. Too many couples drift apart because they share few interests and are rarely together. She goes out, he stays in. He watches football, she browses Facebook. She loves socializing, he loves contemplating. He likes sci-fi, she likes chick flicks. The list could go on. The thing is, a marriage doesn’t have to include so much disconnect. Do you love your husband? Then it shouldn’t be hard to take an interest in the things that make him tick.
It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.– Friedrich Nietzsche
Since getting married, I have made it my mission to adapt to my husband’s interests. I have learned to enjoy what he enjoys and love what he loves! All it takes is an open heart and a willingness to get outside your comfort zone. Here are some examples from my own experience:
I used to have zero interest in Star Wars, but my husband loves it. We started watching the movies/shows together in timeline order some months ago, and now I am a bonafide Star Wars nerd. My recent obsession is sipping hot cocoa with my man and catching up on the latest episode of The Mandalorian!
I used to despise the flavor of pepperoni pizza. My husband finds it to be scrumptious. I started eating it with him, and now it has become one of my favorite kinds of pizza. Now we fight over who gets the last piece. (I kid!)
I used to be apathetic toward my appearance (I dressed like a schoolmarm, never did anything with my hair, didn’t know a thing about makeup, etc.). My husband enjoys being fashionable, and values having an attractive wife by his side. I revamped my wardrobe and started dolling myself up early on in our marriage, and now I *may* have a slight clothing, shoes, makeup, and hair product hoarding problem (oops)!
These examples serve to show that it really is attainable (and enjoyable) to join in your husband’s activity. As you determine to spend time with your man, enjoying whatever hobbies and interests he has, I guarantee it won’t be long until you find your own hobbies and interests aligning with his. Your husband should be your very best friend, and what woman takes no care for the interests of a friend?
…this is my beloved, and this is my friend… – Song of Solomon 5:16b
Want to merry a married man? Merry His Activity!
Step #3 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:
A woman may be an ethereal sex goddess, and she may spend every waking moment participating in her husband’s activities; but if she does not respect her man, he will be so revolted by her presence that she will not even be given the chance to let those qualities shine. Respect is to a man as love is to a woman…if a man is treated with disrespect long enough, his reaction will be to withdraw into isolation from the offender…namely, his wife. If you allow such a wedge to form in your union, it will be hard to win him back.
Do you respect your husband’s authority?
Here are some practical questions you might ask yourself, which will allow you to see where there may be disrespect in your marriage:
- Do I argue with my husband (especially in mixed company)? Do I bicker back and forth with him about a fact I believe him to remember wrongly? Do I shame him by trying to prove who’s “right”?
- Do I insult his intelligence or capabilities as a grown man? Do I badger and nag him with my honey-do-lists and constant “reminders” of what he needs to do? Do I regularly question his choices and insert my unsolicited advice and opinions?
- Do I undermine his authority in the home? Do I stand in opposition to his commands and directives in regard to myself and the children? Do I let him know my disdain for his wishes by my words or body language?
Maybe none of these examples apply to you. However, even if you are not actively disrespecting your man, are you actively respecting him?
God commands a wife to respect her husband. This word means to hold in high esteem, to lift up. It’s closely connected with the word “reverence.” Ladies, what your husband needs and craves from you more than anything else is respect. While you love to hear, “I love you,” we men want and need to hear, “I respect you.”– Tony Evans, For Married Women Only: Three Principles for Honoring Your Husband
Do you praise your husband to his children and to others? Do you listen intently to the words that he says? Do you trust his ability to make sound decisions…not only in large matters, but in the small choices of everyday life? Do you allow him to be the spokesperson for your family, while you humbly take on a more behind-the-scenes approach? Such examples as these speak volumes to your husband of your respect, and will render you a queen in his eyes.
Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:22-24
Want to merry a married man? Merry His Authority!
Did you notice that the three ways to merry your man coincide with the threefold aspects of his human makeup? When you merry your man’s anatomy, you are taking care of him somatically (remember, soma = body). When you merry his activity, you are taking care of him soulishly. When you merry his authority, you are taking care of him spiritually. If you learn to thrive in these three areas for your husband, you will forge an unbreakable bond with him. You will be united as one in soma, soul and spirit forever. Fairy tale endings really do exist – but only for those who are willing to work for them. Now, you know what you need to do. Put down your phone…and get out there and merry your married man!
She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. – – Proverbs 31:12
For God’s glory,
Chelsea Bolks is a church of Christ minister’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.