Destress the Damsel

If you your lips would keep from slips,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
And how and when and where.

If you your ears would save from jeers,
These things keep meekly hid:
Myself and I, and mine and my,
And how I do and did.

– Anonymous

We live in a world of oversharing…

Oversharing on social media. Oversharing over the telephone. Oversharing in face-to-face conversation.

We humans (and especially us women) are social creatures. We have a drive to talk that can be both a blessing and a curse. One of the ways that talking can be a curse is when we lack discretion. Those who lack discretion have little sense of what to say, who to say it to, and how to say it. A worldly woman is indiscreet. She has no filter…if it comes into her mind, out it spills from her mouth. A christian woman, however, is called to be discreet. She must practice sensibility and weigh her words before putting them on display. (Warning: this often includes talking a lot less and holding our peace a lot more!)

Though often seen as inconsequential, a lack of discretion (A.K.A. oversharing) is quite dangerous. It’s a danger to personal privacy. It’s a danger to family life. It’s a danger to the church. It’s a danger to nations. Countless reputations, families, congregations, and countries around the world have been torn apart because of indiscreet persons. There is wisdom in the old adage: “loose lips sink ships”.

He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles. – Proverbs 21:23

Proverbs 11:22 lets us know that a beautiful woman lacking discretion is as ludicrous as a ring of gold in a swine’s snout. On the other hand, a discreet woman has inner beauty to match her natural charm. If you strive to be beautiful inside as well as out, then this lesson is for you. Today, I have 3 simple rules to share that will serve to guide you into being a damsel in discretion. Rule #1:

He who goes about as a talebearer reveals secrets, but he who is trustworthy conceals a matter. – Proverbs 11:13

They learn to be…gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention. – excerpt from 1 Timothy 5:13

In order to “be trustworthy” and keep yourself from “from “talking about things not proper to mention”, follow The Mine and Thine Rule.

Well, what is this rule? The Mine and Thine Rule requires me to discern what is none of your business about me, and what is none of my business about you. It requires me to figure out what information should remain under lock and key. It requires me to have a respect for the privacy of myself and others.

A damsel in discretion is guarded when it comes to her own personal matters. She doesn’t spill all her juicy secrets to everyone who will listen. She knows the difference between private and public information. She knows the difference between talking to a trusted friend or a mere acquaintance. She is comfortable with saying “I don’t want to discuss this topic” when people drill her with questions. She respects her own boundaries.

I have found that the people who have the least respect for their own personal boundaries often have the least respect for other people’s personal boundaries. The same folks who brag “I’m an open book”, and “I have nothing to hide” are typically the same folks who can’t be trusted as far as you can throw ’em. It’s just plain insensible to “put it all out there”. Even God Himself has secrets that are only accessible to His trusted companions. Reservation and a healthy sense of self-respect are godly attributes.

In addition to guarding her own personal matters, a damsel in discretion is also guarded with the personal matters of others. She refrains from asking piercing questions, she doesn’t pry, and she knows when it’s time to back off. She is attuned to the discomfort of others, and knows when to leave well-enough alone. She also doesn’t slander, malign, or gossip about anyone, no matter how vile they may be. She refuses to share someone’s private matters without their express permission. She doesn’t air people’s dirty laundry. She respects the boundaries of others.

If you start a sentence with, “I don’t want to gossip, but…”, stop yourself. It’s gossip. If you have bad blood with someone, talk to them about it. It’s disgraceful to badmouth them to others. If someone asks you about someone else’s personal matter, say “that’s a question for them”. It’s not your business to share.

Cultivate reservation with the information of yourself and others. To be a damsel in discretion, follow the mine and thine rule.

‘Tis not every question that deserves an answer.

– Thomas Fuller, M.D., Gnomologia (1732)

Rule #2:

Do not speak in the hearing of a fool, for he will despise the wisdom of your words. – Proverbs 23:9

Do not give what is holy to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, or they will trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. – Matthew 7:6

In order to avoid “speaking in the hearing of a fool” and afterwards being “torn to pieces”, follow The Canine and Swine Rule.

Well, what is this rule? The Canine and Swine Rule requires me to discern the difference between my friend and my foe, and between the worldly and the wise. It requires me to figure out who is likely to have my back versus who is likely to stab me in the back. It requires me to exercise caution around certain people.

A damsel in discretion is selective with who gets what information. She is wise in knowing how much information to withhold. With those who would misuse and abuse her words, she opts for silence or an abbreviated version of the truth. She knows not to give everyone the whole kit and caboodle.

Our Messiah was in the habit of holding back information from those who would use it to harm His person or His ministry. Many times when the Pharisees would probe Him with entrapping questions, He would give them the Cliff Notes version rather than the whole shebang. Sometimes, He would evade their questions altogether. One of my favorite techniques is when He answered their question with a question of His own, and refused to budge unless they did likewise. (see Matthew 21:23-26)

There are those who with your information would misjudge you, gossip about you, slander you, malign you, and persecute you. Withdraw yourself from them. Being a Christian does not equal being a pushover when it comes to boundaries. Don’t give your treasures to dogs and pigs…it will lead to much harm.

Privacy is Power. Loose Lips Sink Ships. Beware what you Share.

Exercise caution with whom you confide in. To be a damsel in discretion, follow the canine and swine rule.

To whom you tell your secrets, to him you resign your liberty.

– Spanish Proverb

Rule #3:

She opens her mouth in wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue. – Proverbs 31:26

Let your speech always be with grace, as though seasoned with salt, so that you will know how you should respond to each person. – Colossians 4:6

In order to “open your mouth in wisdom” and “know how you should respond to each person”, follow The Wine and Dine Rule.

Well, what is this rule? The Wine and Dine Rule requires me to discern what words are a treat and what words are trash. It requires me to figure out what speech builds up, versus what speech tears down. It requires me to know how to make my words worthwhile to the hearer.

A damsel in discretion is choosy with her words. She is positive and uplifting. She rejects unwholesome speech. She doesn’t use her tongue as a dagger. She speaks life to those around her. She strives to be a light in a dark world.

Consider: Is it wining and dining the hearer to gossip about others? How about grumbling and complaining? Exposing and accentuating the flaws of your husband, children, friends, or relatives? Swearing and using crude speech? Belittling and insulting? Revealing the wrongs done to you (perceived or in reality)?

Do any of these things add light and life to your listener? Or are you, rather, being to them a stumbling block and a corrupt influence?

To avoid gossip, never say anything behind someone’s back that you wouldn’t say in front of their face. To avoid grumbling and complaining, focus on what good you do have, rather than that which you don’t. To avoid exposing and accentuating the flaws of others, follow the golden rule. To avoid swearing and using crude speech, fill your mind with wholesome entertainment and surround yourselves with high-caliber people. To avoid belittling and insulting, focus on the positive attributes of others. To avoid revealing the wrongs done to you, stop repeating and reliving them in your own mind.

Strive for speech that is above reproach. To be a damsel in discretion, follow the wine and dine rule.

Who steals my purse steals trash, but he who filches from me a good word steals that which now enriches him, and leaves me none the poorer.

– Charlton Laird, The Miracle of Language (1953)

In conclusion…

Do you want to be a Damsel in Discretion? Then remember to follow these 3 simple rules:

The better part of valor is discretion, in the which better part I have saved my life.

– William Shakespeare, King Henry IV, Part I

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Thumper’s Mom (She’s Got It Going On)

by

Thumper! What did your father tell you?

– Thumper’s Mother, Walt Disney’s Bambi (1942)

These are the famous words of Mrs. Rabbit (A.K.A. Thumper’s mom) in Disney’s sixth feature film, Bambi. Mrs. Rabbit’s cute little bunny often needs correcting, and she does so by reminding him of his father’s tenets. Fictional character though she may be, Thumper’s mom exemplifies this Proverb for us:

My son, comply with the commandment of your father, and do not ignore the teaching of your mother. – Proverbs 6:20

This is familial headship in practical action. Thumper’s dad gives a command; Thumper’s mom teaches that command. Thumper’s dad lays down the law; Thumper’s mom supports that law by making sure it is carried out by their little bunny. Mrs. Rabbit carefully mothers Thumper in a way that is in subjection to her head. This is following in the footsteps of Jesus Christ, who said, regarding his Head:

I did not speak on My own, but the Father Himself who sent Me has given Me a commandment as to what to say and what to speak. – John 12:49

Reviled and rejected though the concept may be in our upside-down culture, headship is God’s system. Families thrive when they live according to God’s system. Do you want to thrive? Allow me to share with you two ways that Thumper’s mom is a positive role model for motherhood. Firstly, we would do well to follow Mrs. Rabbit’s example in…

Thumper: “He doesn’t walk very good, does he?”
Mrs. Rabbit: “Thumper!”
Thumper: “Yes, Mama?”
Mrs. Rabbit: “What did your father tell you this morning?”
Thumper: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say nothing at all.”

– Walt Disney’s Bambi (1942)

Thumper’s father laid down a standard on the kind of bunny Thumper was to be on the inside. He expected his bunny-boy to be kindhearted and to handle his words with care. In the absence of Mr. Rabbit, it was Mrs. Rabbit’s duty to see this wish through – to mother the inner bunny.

How does your husband wish for you to “mother the inner bunny”? In other words, what kind of spirit does he want his children to exhibit? What are his standards for the children’s social conduct? What attitudes does he accept? What attitudes does he reject? What kind of words does he expect the children to use? What kind of words does he expect the children never to use? A good mother (with the exception of a single mom or widow, of course) looks to her husband for the children’s inner upbringing.

Unless you enjoy the privilege of a husband who works from home, chances are that your husband is gone much of the day while you are home with the children. If this is the case, you have a responsibility as Mom to make sure that Dad is present in feeling even when Dad is not present in fact. You accomplish this by building him up to the children…talking of him throughout the day…constantly reinforcing his values by way of timely reminders. Thumper’s Mom upheld the authority of Thumper’s Dad (even in his absence) in the most genteel way. Godly mothers do the same…

Such repetitions ingrain a father’s authority and leave no question as to who is boss. Children know exactly where their boundaries lie when Mother is always in Father’s corner, supporting him and instilling his values with or without his presence. One source of authority (Dad) eliminates confusion, creates a meaningful sense of security, and empowers the household. God’s system just plain works! Honor your head and mother the inner bunny.

Hear, O sons, the instructions of a father, and give attention that you may gain understanding. – Proverbs 4:1

The second way we would do well to follow Mrs. Rabbit’s example in, is…

Thumper: “Just eat the blossoms. That’s the good stuff.”
Mrs. Rabbit: “Thumper!”
Thumper: “Yes, Mama?”
Mrs. Rabbit: “What did your father tell you?”
Thumper: “About what?”
Mrs. Rabbit: “About eating the blossoms and leaving the greens.”
Thumper: “Oh, that one.” *Clears throat* “Eating greens is a special treat. It makes long ears and great big feet.”

– Walt Disney’s Bambi (1942)

Thumper’s father laid down a standard on the kind of bunny Thumper was to be on the outside. He expected his bunny-boy to be strong and to nourish his body with healthful foods. In the absence of Mr. Rabbit, it was Mrs. Rabbit’s duty to see this wish through – to mother the outer bunny.

How does your husband wish for you to “mother the outer bunny”? In other words, what kind of soma does he want his children to exhibit? What are his standards for the children’s bodily activity? Does he prescribe to a particular type of diet? Does he want his children to be active in sports? Are there certain skills he finds it important for his children to learn? What kind of routines does he want to see implemented into the household schedule? A good mother (with the exception of a single mom or widow, of course) looks to her husband for the children’s outer upbringing.

Again, it all comes down to making Dad’s presence acutely felt even when he is away from home. Though he be out of sight, he ought never be out of mind. A faithful wife is intent on seeing her husband’s wishes for the family being carried out at all times. He is the reason behind her choices…

Children who learn to joyfully submit to their father’s authority grow to be men who joyfully submit to their Father’s authority. Childhood is a training ground that sets the tone for their future. Will it be one of blessed obedience? Or cursed rebellion? Ultimately, the choice is theirs…but it is your job to set them up for success by your good efforts. Honor your head and mother the outer bunny.

Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching; indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck. – Proverbs 1:8-9

In conclusion…

“What did your father tell you?” These were the words of an animated mother bunny created more than 80 years ago. In 2023, these simple words of Thumper’s Mom still ring true for those of us who advocate for restoring the family unit as God intended. Fathers are distinctly called to “bring them [children] up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4) As mothers, it is our privilege and honor to assist in this mission…not by taking the lead in the children’s upbringing, but by standing by their Dad as his biggest fan and most loving support.

Do you have it going on, like Thumper’s Mom? I exhort you to uphold God’s design for marriage and motherhood, and be a little more like Mrs. Rabbit each and every day.

He is the breadwinner; she is the breadmaker. He is the sun; she is the moon, who reflects and extends the sun’s light where the sun is not. He forms; she fills. He sets the melody; she brings the harmony. He empowers her; and she uses that power to enlarge the domain of their household.

– Joe Rigney

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Honey For a Husband’s Heart

by

Oh, I wouldn’t climb this tree
If a Pooh flew like a bee.
But I wouldn’t be a bear then,
So I guess I wouldn’t care then!

Bears love honey
And I’m a Pooh bear,
So I do care,
So I’ll climb there...

– Excerpt from “Rumbly in My Tumbly” song, Disney’s The Many Adventures of Winnie the Pooh (1977)

Everyone who has read or watched the charming children’s series, “Winnie the Pooh” is probably starkly aware of this fact: Pooh Bears LOVE honey. You likely also know that Tiggers love bouncing, Rabbits love gardening, Owls love reminiscing, and on it goes. Each character in Winnie the Pooh has an affinity for that “one thing” that lights up their world. When others try to suppress that “one thing” they love, the results are glum. We all can probably recollect gloomy images of: a dejected Tigger denied of his right to bounce…an exasperated Rabbit peering around at his ruined garden…a clueless Owl gazing upon his friends who have fallen asleep to his prattle…and most of all, a sad and hungry Pooh Bear deprived of his honey pot. From childhood, we sympathize with these characters because we know how important that “one thing” is to them, and to see them lost without it is piteous.

Did you ever stop to ask yourself, what is that “one thing” that lights up your husband’s world? If you know me, you probably already sense where I’m going with this. And if you’re being honest with yourself, you also know exactly what that “one thing” is…

I’ll put it bluntly: sex is to a man what honey is to a Pooh Bear. Indeed, making love to his wife is honey for a husband’s heart. When women deny their husbands of that “one thing”, the results are glum; but when women recognize their husband’s affinity for sex and embrace it, the results are glorious. Consider this Proverb:

A sated man loathes honey, but to a famished man any bitter thing is sweet. – Proverbs 27:7

Layman’s terms: a man can be so full that he turns down dessert, or he can be so hungry that he eats out of a garbage can. To relate this to sex: you can either bless your husband with so much lovemaking that he says, “enough, woman! I’ve had my fill!”, or you can leave him starving and susceptible to temptation and sin. I don’t know about you, but I prefer a sated man over a famished one any day. Keeping your husband satisfied will, in turn, satisfy you. It’s a win-win situation.

Today, I want to share three facts about honey with you. May they serve to give you a refreshing perspective on the place your “honey” holds in your husband’s heart. Honey Fact #1:

Winnie-the-Pooh sat down at the foot of the tree, put his head between his paws and began to think.
First of all he said to himself: “That buzzing-noise means something. You don’t get a buzzing-noise like that, just buzzing and buzzing, without its meaning something. If there’s a buzzing-noise, somebody’s making a buzzing-noise, and the only reason for making a buzzing-noise that I know of is because you’re a bee.”
Then he thought another long time, and said: “And the only reason for being a bee that I know of is making honey.”
And then he got up, and said: “And the only reason for making honey is so as I can eat it.” So he began to climb the tree.

– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (1926)

Do you wish to be “Queen Bee” in your man’s life? You know the saying: you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar! You can catch a Pooh Bear all the more…but most importantly, you can catch your husband’s heart. Sex is not only the main motivation for a man to pursue a woman in the first place, but it is also the main motivation that keeps him interested and coming back to his woman, his wife.

Worldly women know how to snag a man:

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey… Proverbs 5:3a

But two can play at that game. Wise women know how to keep a man:

Your lips, my bride, drip honey… Song of Solomon 4:11a

“Christian wife” and “prude” are not synonymous. Rather, a faithful helpmeet is skilled in the art of enticing her husband. She makes it her mission to “buzz” (attract), “make honey” (interact), and let her man “eat honey” (enact).

Here are some practical ways to entice your husband from morning to night:

Offer yourself to him first thing in the morning. “Show appreciation” for his male anatomy when he gets out of the shower. Dress to impress. Flash him. Talk about your desire for him. Give naughty touches. “Force” him to take time for mid-day quickies. Send him naughty texts. Brag about your girl parts. Kiss him passionately. Go to bed naked with him. Caress his nude body. Offer yourself to him before bed. Sleep in his embrace. Keep the clothes OFF! Wake up, repeat.

Enticing your husband isn’t a once-off occasion when you’re feeling frisky…no ma’am. It’s a lifestyle. Sex is a daily need for your husband that you get the privilege to fulfill. Give up the honey…for it entices.

Honey Fact # 2:

It’s a very funny thought that, if Bears were Bees,
They’d build their nests at the bottom of trees.
And that being so (if the Bees were Bears),
We shouldn’t have to climb up all these stairs.

– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (1926)

Honey has a high calorie content…about 30% higher than that of sugar. Honey is energizing; it is enabling. It enables one to carry out their day with vigor and pep in their step. Pooh Bear notes how much easier his life would be if honey was more easily accessible…and wouldn’t the life of a husband be easier also?

A man who is sexually deprived is apt to be angry, bitter, and overtly focused on his cravings for sex. Like a starving man who can only think of one thing: “FOOD!”, a man who is starving sexually can only think of one thing: “SEX!”. His need for sexual release consumes him and makes him a good-for-nothing with a one-tract-mind.

On the other hand, a man who is sexually satisfied is apt to be happy, carefree, and have a productive work life. When his need for sex is well taken care of, it gets him out of his body and into his mind. It frees him up to be the man he wants to be, and the man you want him to be…noble, hard-working, joyous. If you keep your man “running on empty” it will only serve to benefit both of you.

Lest you find daily sex a daunting task, note that a “small smackerel of honey” goes a long way:

Have you found honey? Eat only what you need… – Proverbs 25:16

Faithful sex is a matter of regularity, not remarkability. The sex act in itself (if given passionately as a lover, not prudishly as a martyr) is remarkable to a man. Consistency is key. Give up the honey…for it enables.

Honey Fact #3:

“When you wake up in the morning, Pooh,” said Piglet at last, “What’s the first thing you say to yourself?”
“What’s for breakfast?” said Pooh. “What do you say, Piglet?”
“I say, I wonder what’s going to happen exciting today?” said Piglet.
Pooh nodded thoughtfully. “It’s the same thing,” he said.

– A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh (1926)

Honey is one food that is considered to have an “eternal shelf life”. In other words, it never spoils. They say that (free of contamination), honey is perfectly edible after thousands of years. Of course, honey never spoils in Pooh Bear’s heart, either. Whether you’re reading the 1926 series, watching the 1977 movie, or bingeing on one of the many Winnie the Pooh television shows that have come out over the last few decades, one thing remains the same: Pooh Bear will always be crazy about his honey. So too, will a man always be crazy about his woman’s honey. It’s part of a male’s genetic makeup, designed by God. The love of honey endures.

Many women find their husband’s love of sex repulsive, even perverse. After all, they want to feel loved and cherished, not fondled! These women shoot themselves in the foot, for they don’t realize that their husband’s physical advances are his masculine way of loving and cherishing them. There’s a reason sex is referred to as “making love”: it literally makes a man love his wife. A man is never so tender, a woman never so doted upon, as when they come together in this way. If more wives would only surrender to the (God-ordained) sexual desire of husbands, what fulfilling marriages they would have.

Happy is the man who can say:

…I have eaten my honeycomb and my honey… – from Song of Solomon 5:1

Such a man feels like king of the world, and in turn, treats his lady like royalty. (Certainly in almost every area of life, there are outliers….I’m speaking not of the sinister, villainous husband, but of the “Average Joe”) Take it from a girl who started from humble beginnings, and got her fairy-tale ending…the peasant girl who married a king. Though I began my marriage with little more in common with my husband than the fact that we both loved the Lord, we have since become the most intimate of friends and devoted of lovers. I owe this in great part to the 10+ years of daily sex that has forged us as one in soma, soul, and spirit. Truly for us, “the end of a matter is better than its beginning” (Ecclesiastes 7:8a). I hope the same for your marriage.

If you yearn for your husband’s love for you to last forever, I can not impress strongly enough to you that honey never spoils. Honey both snags a man, and it keeps a man; honey keeps him wild for his woman. Give up the honey…for it endures.

In conclusion…

Are you giving out honey for a husband’s heart? If not…why not? Your honey is enticing, enabling, and enduring. It is that “one thing” that your husband craves above all else. Don’t you think it’s about time to give your Hunny some honey? His heart will sing:

If everything is honey
And I am what I eat
I must be made of honey
And life is very sweet.

– Excerpt from “Everything is Honey” song, Disney’s Winnie the Pooh (2011)

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.