This morning came a man to me, his smile was wonderful to see,
He shook my hand and doffed his hat then promptly took a chair;
Said he, ‘I read your stuff each day, and I have just dropped in to say
You have a line of humor that delightful is and rare.
My dear wife reads it through and through, my aunts and uncles like it, too,
The little children cry for it when they get out of bed,
Your column’s full of common sense, your childhood verses are immense,
The equal of them, I am sure I’ve never, never read.

‘Now, you’re a man of great renown, your name is known in every town
From Boston unto ‘Frisco, from Atlanta to Duluth;
I’ve met some of our famous men, I wish to grasp your hand again;
Don’t think I flatter you, O no, I’m telling you the truth.’
I let him once more take my hand, the while I felt my chest expand,
My head began to bulge until I couldn’t wear my hat;
‘Ah me,’ I sighed, ‘ through all my days, I’ve never heard such words of praise,
I wish I knew a hundred men who’d talk to me like that.’

‘And now,’ said he, ‘ere I forget, I want to show a Balzac set
That Jolliers have printed just especially for you;
There are but twenty-six of these, observe this small prospectus, please,
This is the finest work that any publisher can do.
For you we make this sacrifice, just sixty dollars is the price,
Five dollars down and three a month—you will not miss the ‘mon.”
I signed away my salary. Henceforth, when men come praising me
I’m going to grab my hat and coat and exit on the run.

– “The Cost of Praise” by Edgar Albert Guest

“Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me”…and so the old adage goes. Though our narrator, a small-fry author, came out wiser in the end, he was “fooled once” when he allowed a sweet-talking salesman to compliment him right out of his hard-earned money. The author’s “bulging head” completely blinded him to the fact that he was being flattered, cheated, swindled, and bamboozled; it completely blinded him to the fact that he had become the unwitting, unfortunate victim of the sweet-talking salesman’s Pretentious Praise.

The word “pretentious” is primarily used to describe an arrogant, snobby individual. I ask you to lay aside that definition of “pretentious” for the remainder of this article, as we are instead going to be using the secondary definition of the word. See, pretension does not always speak of arrogance, but simply being full of pretense. To put it in layman’s terms, a pretentious person of this ilk is a pretender; disingenuous; someone with ulterior motives (like the salesman in our poem). It’s obvious that the salesman wasn’t complimenting the author out of a place of genuine admiration for his work, but only because he wanted to butter up a potential client. He was using a clever ruse in an effort to make a buck. His true desire was not to compliment but to cash out.

While most of us are unlikely to be taking up the role of a charlatan and tricking people into buying our wares, we must nevertheless be cautious not to give out Pretentious Praise in any way, shape, or form. Compliments Become Complicated when they are filled with false pretenses instead of heartfelt admiration. In today’s article, we are going to unveil the four types of women who give out Pretentious Praise (many times without even realizing they are doing so). By learning about these four types of women, we will be able to squash these toxic patterns within ourselves, and ensure we are not guilty of complicating our compliments.

Pretentious Praiser #1:

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It is pretentious to praise someone with the ulterior motive of bragging about oneself. Boasting always makes for complicated compliments. Need help identifying The Boaster? She’s the kind of gal who says things like…

“Wow, your home is so clean and tidy. Good for you! You must be Type A, like I am. I can’t stand messy spaces. It’s good to see that there are some in the younger generation who take homemaking seriously.”

“You’re such a kind and respectful wife. That’s a rare trait in a woman! Whenever my dearly departed husband would tell me to jump, I’d ask him, ‘how high?’ Your husband is a lucky man for sure…just like my man was.”

“You have 4 children? What a busy little mother you must be! I know that my 5 always kept me on my toes. Of course, when you love kids as much as I do, it’s really no sacrifice. Raising them was a joy and a privilege.”

Complimenting another woman on her manor, marriage, and motherhood is a wonderful thing to do. Yet Compliments Become Complicated when we play the part of The Boaster. When we deliver a compliment that’s served with a side of boasting, it draws attention away from the person we are trying to compliment, and directs the spotlight onto ourselves. Instead of our praise being about her manor, her marriage, and her motherhood, it becomes about “me, myself, and I”. You might think, “I am simply being conversational. Why can’t I reveal a little bit about myself? I’m only trying to relate with her…point out what we have in common.” There are a few problems with this line of thinking. The first problem, like I mentioned previously, is that it diminishes what should have been her compliment by shifting the spotlight to you. The second problem is that comparing yourself to someone while you’re complimenting her is, indirectly, complimenting yourself. The third problem is that we are robbing the other person of the right to make her own conclusions about us…we are telling her who we are, rather than showing her who we are. The bottom line? Boasting is wrong.

The next time you wish to compliment someone, make sure to keep your praises solely about them. Ask yourself: why do I feel the need to boast? Do I want to reveal information about myself? Let the other person make that call. If they are interested in hearing more about you, they will ask. Do I want to foster a connection with someone? Let them make that call. Any logical person will be able to recognize if you and they are of a similar nature, for a genuine compliment implies shared values. Do I want to be admired? Let them make that call. The praise others give you will always be so much more meaningful than self-praise.

Don’t play the part of The Boaster. Let’s only give genuine compliments to others, not Pretentious Praise.

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips. – Proverbs 27:2

The person who sings his own praises is probably a soloist. – Unknown

Pretentious Praiser #2:

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It is pretentious to praise someone with the ulterior motive of insulting someone else in the room. Roasting always makes for complicated compliments. Need help identifying The Roaster? She’s the kind of gal who says things like…

“Wow, you are such a big help! It’s too bad there aren’t more people around here with a heart for service.”

“You’re so friendly and outgoing! Not at all like those backward, fly-on-the-wall types who never speak.”

“Your children are so well-behaved! It’s a shame how some parents let their kids run around wild in public.”

Complimenting another woman on her principles, personality, and parenting is a wonderful thing to do. Yet Compliments Become Complicated when we play the part of The Roaster. When we deliver a compliment that’s served with a side of roasting, we do a disservice both to the person being complimented and to the person being insulted. 1.) We hurt the person being complimented because we are using her as a subtle (or maybe not-so-subtle) means to pick on someone else. Not only does a disingenuous compliment take away from her rightful glory, but it might even make her an object of envy and disdain in the eyes of the one she has been contrasted with. (“What makes her so perfect?” the insulted person might bitterly ask themselves.) The “complimented” is pulled into a fight that is not her own. What an uncomfortable and awkward position to put somebody in! 2.) We hurt the person being insulted because we are taking cheap shots at them. Not only is it petty and insensitive to insult someone in such a round-about way, but actually cruel and merciless… because we are not providing them with a proper platform to defend themselves. Insults are pitiful excuses for “rebukes” – if such catty behavior could even be described that way. A godly rebuke is one that is discreet and direct. Only a coward attacks someone indiscreetly and indirectly, going for the jugular with a ruthless “roast”!

The next time you wish to compliment someone, make sure to keep your praises solely about them. Ask yourself: why do I feel the need to roast? Am I unsteady about my view of this person? Gotta let it go. Chalk it up as a misconception, believe the best about her, and move on. Am I unwilling to address the matter in private? Gotta let it go. Take the proper channels for rebuke, or if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Am I taking revenge? Gotta let it go. Turn the other cheek, give it to God, and forgive her.

Don’t play the part of The Roaster. Let’s only give genuine compliments to others, not Pretentious Praise.

From the same mouth come both blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not to be this way. – James 3:10

You must not pay a person a compliment, and then straightway follow it with a criticism. – Mark Twain

Pretentious Praiser #3:

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It is pretentious to praise someone with the ulterior motive of getting praised in return. Taking always makes for complicated compliments. Need help identifying The Taker? She’s the kind of gal who says things like…

“Wow, your style is so cute! I dig that outfit,” with a significant pause, inviting a compliment about her outfit.

“These cookies are delicious! Your treats are the best,” with an expectant smile, as you test her baked goods.

“I feel such a connection with you! You’re my best friend,” with a big hug, welcoming you to respond in kind.

Complimenting another woman on her fashion, food, and fellowship is a wonderful thing to do. Yet Compliments Become Complicated when we play the part of The Taker. When we deliver a compliment that’s served with a side of taking, we aren’t truly admiring the other person for themselves…but only for what we can get out of them. If we give compliments in an effort to “fish for compliments“, it reveals low self-esteem. Desperate, attention-seeking energy won’t win friends! People don’t enjoy being in the presence of a “pick-me” girl (someone who lacks confidence in herself and is constantly seeking external validation from others). This is the hard truth of the matter: if you compliment people just to get complimented back, any “return” compliments you receive are likely to be from a place of sympathy rather than sincerity. On the other side of the coin, maybe you are being cornered by The Taker. How do you handle that scenario? Here’s my technique: make it your custom to never robotically return a compliment to anyone (unless you genuinely feel the same way about the other person) and instead choose to respond with gratitude and/or a different compliment. Instead of responding “you too!” to every compliment you’re given, try pointing out something unique that you genuinely like about the other person. (I.E. If she says, “cute shirt!”, you might say, “cute shoes!” If you don’t like her shirt, it’s not fair to say that you do just to be “nice”. Identify something you do like, or simply give back a heartfelt “thank you” and determine to pay her a sincere compliment on a future occasion.)

The next time you wish to compliment someone, make sure to keep your praises solely about them. Ask yourself: why do I feel the need to take? Is it because I am insecure about myself? Hold your head up. Focus on personal growth, which will build your confidence, and soon you won’t obsess so much about the opinions of others. Is it because I need to know what people think of me? Hold your head up. Don’t micromanage, allow others to “keep their own counsel” if they so choose, and assume they like you more than you know. Is it because I crave an emotional boost? Hold your head up. Find your fulfillment in Christ, take joy in the little things, and make it your mission to boost others rather than expect them to boost you. Your turn will come.

Don’t play the part of The Taker. Let’s only give genuine compliments to others, not Pretentious Praise.

And if you lend to those from whom you expect to receive, what credit is that to you? Even sinners lend to sinners, in order to receive back the same amount. – Luke 6:34

Take time to compliment people every day. Do it sincerely and with no desire to gain anything but a smile in return. – Robert Cheeke

Pretentious Praiser #4:

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It is pretentious to praise someone with the ulterior motive of over-exaggerating their attributes. Faking always makes for complicated compliments. Need help identifying The Faker? She’s the kind of gal who says things like…

“Wow, you are the most breathtakingly gorgeous woman I’ve ever seen! You should go into modeling.”

“You are mindbogglingly brilliant! Doesn’t that huge brain weigh you down? Save some for the rest of us!”

“You have the makings of an all-star athlete. No seriously, have you signed up for the Olympics yet?!”

Complimenting another woman on her appearance, acumen, and athleticism is a wonderful thing to do. Yet Compliments Become Complicated when we play the part of The Faker. When we deliver a compliment that’s served with a side of faking, we are harming the recipient by encouraging them to nurture a false view of themselves. It might make them feel good in the moment to believe that they’re “the best of the best”, but dishonest feedback doesn’t do anyone any favors in the long run. Compliments only mean something when they are well-deserved. Over-the-top praises should be reserved for over-the-top exceptionalism! If every woman is breathtakingly gorgeous, where does that leave Angelina Jolie? If every woman is mindbogglingly brilliant, where does that leave Marie Curie? If every woman is an all-star athlete, where does that leave Venus and Serena Williams? If “everyone” is the best, then it stands to reason that no one is the best. In Disney Pixar’s animated film, The Incredibles, Mr. Incredible noted that “they keep creating more ways to celebrate mediocrity.” His observation was surprisingly insightful. We don’t need more proponents of the “everyone gets a prize” mentality. When mediocrity is celebrated, people naturally stop improving. If “good enough” is good enough, why would anyone bother to strive for the exceptional? We ought to compliment people in a way that is both honoring and honest. Also, better is a bit of constructive criticism than a sugar-coated praise.

The next time you wish to compliment someone, make sure to keep your praises solely about them. Ask yourself: why do I feel the need to fake? Am I sucking up to this person? Try a different approach. Give her a compliment that is ultra specific and refreshingly free of clichés. Am I latching on to a potential I see, rather than a reality? Try a different approach. Rather than acting as if she has already “arrived”, tell her about the potential you see and encourage her to continue honing her abilities. Am I trying to get others to esteem this person as much as I do? Try a different approach. People will be much more impressed by who she is than who you say she is…let her strengths speak for themselves, and be modest and realistic when praising her.

Don’t play the part of The Faker. Let’s only give genuine compliments to others, not Pretentious Praise.

They speak falsehood to one another; with flattering lips and with a double heart they speak . – Psalm 12:2

Although a skillful flatterer is a most delightful companion if you have him all to yourself, his taste becomes very doubtful when he takes to complimenting other people. – Charles Dickens

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In conclusion…

Complimenting others is a wonderful thing to do. Yet there are right and wrong ways to pay compliments.

When you pay a compliment, don’t play the part of The Boaster. Make sure you’re shining the spotlight on the person being complimented…not on yourself. Don’t play the part of The Roaster. Make sure you’re not using the person being complimented in an effort to poke at someone else. Don’t play the part of The Taker. Make sure you’re not using the person being complimented in an effort to fish for return compliments. Don’t play the part of The Faker. Make sure you’re being realistic about the person being complimented…not trying to make them feel good about qualities they don’t actually possess. Compliments Become Complicated when we give out Pretentious Praise, for such fruitless “compliments are only lies in court clothes.” – John Sterling

On the other hand…

Like apples of gold in settings of silver is a word spoken in right circumstances. – Proverbs 25:11

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.