“The Orcs were first bred by the Dark Power of the North in the Elder Days. It is said that they had no language of their own, but took what they could of other tongues and perverted it to their own liking; yet they made only brutal jargons, scarcely sufficient even for their own needs, unless it were for curses and abuse. And those creatures, being filled with malice, hating even their own kind, quickly developed as many barbarous dialects as there were groups or settlements of their own race, so that their Orkish speech was of little use to them in intercourse between different tribes. … Orcs and Trolls spoke as they would, without love of words or things; and their language was actually more degraded and filthy than I have shown it. I do not suppose that any will wish for a closer rendering, though models are easy to find. Much the same sort of talk can still be heard among the orc-minded; dreary and repetitive with hatred and contempt, too long removed from good to retain even verbal vigour, save in the ears of those to whom only the squalid sounds strong.”
– J.R.R. Tolkien, The Return of the King (Appendix F: The Languages and Peoples of the Third Age)
If you’re a lover of J.R.R. Tolkien’s work like I am, you know that an orc is about the last creature that one should desire to be likened to. Even if you are none too familiar with Tolkien, it should be evident from the description above that orcs are among the vilest of characters in The Lord of the Rings canon. An orc is an armed soldier of the dark lord, Sauron (the Lord of the Rings equivalent of Satan himself). Orcs are dark, twisted, and evil in every way. “Degraded and filthy language” points to their race’s overall degeneracy.
J.R.R. Tolkien compared people who speak with “curses and abuse” (read: profanity) to his mythical orcs. He bluntly referred to these folks as, “the Orc-minded…to whom only the squalid sounds strong”. Notice that Tolkien was able to express his marked disapproval of such coarse individuals without uttering a single swear word himself. He simply showed us how detestable an orc is, and then pointed out that there are human beings who eerily resemble them. Tolkien was employing an “if the shoe fits” approach. Hopefully, this Orkish shoe does not fit any of us here at Destress the Damsel. Hopefully, we shun Orkish speech in our lives. Hopefully, unlike the barbarous orcs, we damsels are devoted to taming the tongue.
“Now hold on just a minute,” you might be thinking, “I can’t tame my tongue! After all, doesn’t James 3:8 explicitly state that, ‘no one can tame the tongue; it is a restless evil and full of deadly poison’?”
Indeed, it does! However, I must point out that the translators of our English Bibles often leave out one very significant little word found in the original text = anthropos (the Greek word for “man“). A more accurate translation would read “no one of man can tame the tongue”. On our own, we humans do tend towards being “orc-minded” and are tempted to utilize “Orkish speech”. This is where Jesus, “the hidden person of the heart” (1 Peter 3:4), comes in to save the day! Both God and man, Jesus is the ultimate “tongue-tamer”. With men it is impossible, but not with God; for all things are possible with God. (Mark 10:27b – emphasis added) When our Lord is living in us and working through us, that is when we can find the wherewithal to deny our more Orkish tendencies.
Scripture teaches that we will be held accountable for all futile words that escape our lips. In Matthew 12:36-37, Jesus warned, “every careless word that men shall speak, they shall render account for it in the day of judgment. For by your words you shall be justified, and by your words you shall be condemned.” In light of this, Paul admonished, “let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth.” (Ephesians 4:29) Jesus, James, and Paul certainly all believed in taming the tongue (with God’s assistance).
Today, I want to share with you some (non-euphemistic) ways to exchange expletives and lift language. I have noticed that the tongues that use profanity typically fall into one of 3 primary categories. For each of these 3 categories, I am going to provide you with 33 swear replacements that I pray might serve you in your “tongue-taming” journey. By the time you finish reading, you will have 99 different ways to express yourself without the use of profanity. I’m sure you can add to the list, but these will give you a good start.
#1. With God’s assistance, you can tame…
Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to add emphasis to a sentence. Examples might include, “That is one bleeping cool car!” or “Bleep! He is one handsome man!” or even “What the bleep?!”. Questions of morality aside, I often find that the use of emphasis (even of the non-profane variety) is not needed at all. One could simply say, “That is one cool car!” or “He is one handsome man!” or “What?!” and express themselves just as effectively without additional words of emphasis. Utilizing plain speech (while employing the right facial expressions and tones) can get your point across in a way that is credible and mature. Still, there are times when you may wish to express yourself with emphasis, and there are so many ways to do so without being vulgar. Here are 33 words of emphasis you can use in lieu of profanity:
- ”Absolutely”
- ”Certainly”
- “Clearly”
- “Decidedly”
- ”Definitely”
- “Entirely”
- “Especially”
- “Exceedingly”
- “Extremely”
- ”Markedly”
- “Most”
- ”Notably”
- ”Particularly”
- “Plain/Just Plain”
- ”Positively”
- “Quite”
- “Significantly”
- “Surely”
- ”Truly”
- ”Undoubtedly”
- “Unquestionably”
- “Amazing/Amazingly”
- ”Astronomical/Astronomically”
- “Beautiful/Beautifully”
- ”Exquisite/Exquisitely”
- “Incredible/Incredibly”
- “Indisputable/Indisputably”
- “Irrefutable/Irrefutably”
- “Inordinate/Inordinately”
- “Remarkable/Remarkably”
- “Unbelievable/Unbelievably”
- “Undeniable/Undeniably”
- “Wonderful/Wonderfully”
I could go on and on. Suffice it to say, there are a myriad of ways to express the emphasizing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, not only do we become better woman spiritually, but we also become better woman socially. We will sound much more intelligent and high-class when we are creative with our vocabulary and shun poor speaking habits.
There must be no filthiness and silly talk, or coarse jesting, which are not fitting, but rather giving of thanks. – Ephesians 5:4b
Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the emphasizing tongue.
#2. With God’s assistance, you can tame…
Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to criticize a wicked individual. Examples might include: “That man/woman is a bleep!” or “They are bleeps!” or “You are a bleep!”. While there is a time and place for criticism, swearing at or about someone will only serve to diminish your caliber and place you on a level with the very same ungodly person(s) of whom you claim to disapprove. The following swear replacements are broken up into three sub-categories: specific terms, generic terms, and Biblical terms. For those times when we must describe someone in a negative light (though I believe these times come less often than we think) these 33 terms will help you express yourself without resorting to curses:
Specific terms…
- “Adulterer”
- “Blasphemer”
- “Braggart”
- “Charlatan”
- “Complainer”
- “Drunkard”
- “Fornicator”
- “Glutton”
- “Gossip”
- “Homosexual”
- “Hypocrite”
- “Liar”
- “Murderer”
- “Rapist”
- “Rebel”
- “Thief”
Generic terms…
- “Creep”
- “Dullard”
- “Hoodlum”
- “Ne’er do well”
- “Ninny”
- “Punk”
- “Scoundrel”
- “Thug”
- “Unsavory character”
Biblical terms…
- “Brood of vipers” (Matthew 3:7)
- “Cows of Bashan” (Amos 4:1)
- “Dogs” (Matthew 7:6)
- “Foxes” (Luke 13:32)
- “Sons of Belial” (Belial = “Worthless”) (1 Samuel 2:12)
- “Sons of Perdition” (Perdition = “Waste”) (John 17:12)
- “Swine” (Matthew 7:6)
- “Whitewashed tombs” (Matthew 23:27)
Again, there are a myriad of ways to express the criticizing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, we can identify a person of low-caliber without becoming low-caliber ourselves. A word of warning: let your criticisms be few and far between. Make sure you are judging righteously, not according to appearance. (John 7:24) Furthermore, do not allow yourself to be swept up in a gossip session about anyone, no matter how odious they may be.
There is one who speaks rashly like the thrusts of the sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing. – Proverbs 12:18
Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the criticizing tongue.
#3. With God’s assistance, you can tame…
Sometimes people use profanity because they wish to analyze an unpleasant situation. Examples might include: “Bleep! I smashed my finger!” or “I’m running late. I’m so bleeped!” or “This coffee really bleeps!”. While it may feel like a cathartic release to curse in the face of irritation, this bad habit really only adds insult to injury. Words are powerful and world-building. They give life and power to our feelings and thoughts, fashioning our reality. When we face our frustrations with a good sense of humor instead of getting unduly bent out of shape, it will help us to keep it together in even more difficult situations. Here are 33 swear replacements to use when you sustain a minor injury, make a mistake, dislike something, etc:
- “Absurd!”
- “Bah, Humbug!”
- “Balderdash!”
- “Blatherskite!”
- “Codswallop!”
- “Fiddlesticks!”
- “Grr!”
- “Hocus-pocus!”
- “Hogwash!”
- “Lunacy!”
- “Malarkey!”
- “Monkey business!”
- “Nonsense!”
- “Of all the addle-brained ideas!”
- “Of all the fool-headed notions!”
- “Of all the nerve!”
- “Oh, bother!”
- “Oh, come along!”
- “Oh, no!”
- “Ouch!”
- “Preposterous!”
- “Rubbish!”
- “This means war!”
- “Tomfoolery!”
- “Uh-oh, Spaghetti-o!”
- “Well, I never!”
- “What is the meaning of this?!”
- “What kind of sorcery is this?!”
- “Whoopsie-daisy!”
- “Whoa, Nelly!”
- “Woe is me!”
- “Wow/Wowzers!”
- “Zoinks!”
Once again, there are a myriad of ways to express the analyzing tongue without leaning upon “curses and abuse“. When we allow God to assist us in taming the tongue, we can turn annoying circumstances into comical ones. Life is so much simpler when we don’t sweat the small stuff. Next time you feel a burr under your saddle, try making light of the situation. Take it in stride, and laugh it off with a playful word choice.
But now you also, put them all aside: anger, wrath, malice, slander, and abusive speech from your mouth. – Colossians 3:8
Don’t be orc-minded! Tame the analyzing tongue.
In conclusion…
There you have it! We have looked at 99 (non-euphemistic) ways to exchange expletives and lift language. Many ideas could be added to the list. With such an arsenal of swear-replacements at our disposal, what excuse do we have to use “brutal jargons” and “barbarous dialects“? Damsels, it’s tongue-taming time.
“No man can tame the tongue” you say? ‘Tis true. Yet I know a tongue-tamer, and He says, “I am no man!“. (The Lord of the Rings fans should appreciate the reference.) Jesus Christ – more than a man – can help us tame the emphasizing tongue, the criticizing tongue, and the analyzing tongue. With Him living in us, we can forsake Orkish speech patterns and say good-bye to “degraded and filthy language”, once and for all.
‘What has become of the miserable Orcs?’ said Legolas. ‘That, I think, no one will ever know,’ said Gandalf. – J.R.R. Tolkien, The Two Towers
For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks
Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.
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