Destress the Damsel


It never did, and never will,
Put things in better fashion,
Though rough the road, and steep the hill,
To fly into a passion.

And never yet did fume or fret
Mend any broken bubble;
The direst evil, bravely met,
Is but a conquered trouble.

Our trials___did we only know___
Are often what we make them;
And mole-hills into mountains grow,
Just by the way we take them.

Who keeps his temper, calm and cool,
Will find his wits in season;
But rage is weak, a foaming fool,
With neither strength nor reason.

And if a thing be hard to bear
When nerve and brain are steady,
If fiery passions rave and tear,
It finds us maimed already.

Who yields to anger conquered lies___
A captive none can pity;
Who rules his spirit, greater is
Than he who takes a city.

A hero he, though drums are mute,
And no gay banners flaunted;
He treads his passions under foot,
And meets the world undaunted.

Oh, then, to bravely do our best,
Howe’er the winds are blowing;
And meekly leave to God the rest,
Is wisdom worth the knowing!

– “Keep Your Temper” by Ellen P. Allerton

The art of remaining calm in the face of adversity is one of the most challenging skills to learn in life…and one of the most rewarding. As Mrs. Allerton aptly pointed out, losing one’s temper does not positively affect negative circumstances, but only serves to make us look and act the fool. Those who can keep their cool (even when being sorely mistreated) are wiser and stronger than the mightiest warrior.

If you struggle with these temper temptations, today’s lesson is for you. The title, Hold Your Peace, is a bit of a double innuendo. To hold one’s peace is to zip the lip. Put a lock on it. Clap the trap. In other words, it means to refrain from speaking. Yet there’s also a two-sided aspect of this phrase which I love: when you “hold your peace” (control your outward composure), you literally “hold your peace” (maintain your inner tranquility). And isn’t that unshakable internal serenity something we all would like to get a firm grip on?

Allow me to share with you the three steps involved in Holding Your Peace. If you can learn to follow these three steps when wronged, never again will anyone have the power to steal the peace that is in you.

The first step to holding your peace is to…

In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.

– Francis Bacon, “Of Revenge,” Essays (1625)

The ability to pass over an offense is a virtue most people have in short supply. Instead of holding our peace when we are mistreated, our natural tendency is to return an attack on the culprit. (You know: “the best defense is a good offense”??) We might even feel justified in hurting those who hurt us…after all, don’t they deserve a taste of their own medicine? This may be worldly wisdom, but it is not the way.

For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, Who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously. – 1 Peter 2:21-23

WWJD when people hurt Him? The above verse gives us a pretty good idea.

We have to Let It Be.

Now, here are a few things that Letting it Be is not…

Letting it be is not approving of evil behavior. It is not condoning abuse. It is not clinging to toxic relationships. It is not outwardly giving the silent treatment and inwardly fostering hatred and bitterness.

Here’s what Letting it Be is…

Letting it be is neglecting to participate in evil behavior. It is refusing to stoop to the level of an abuser. It is walking away from toxic relationships. It is staying silent out of strength and meekness, not spite and malice.

Next time you are mistreated, I challenge you to simply Let it Be. Don’t allow someone else’s sin to cause you to sin. Break the cycle! It may feel good in the moment to “sock it to ’em” when people hurt us, but it doesn’t pay. Far better is the feeling that comes with knowing that you had the inner resolve and strength of character to hold your peace. Stay soft and sweet. God will take special note of the innocent.

Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and He will save you. – Proverbs 20:22

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. – Romans 12:19

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let it Be. The second step to holding your peace is to…

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

– Nelson Mandela

A good memory can be both a blessing and a curse. Women tend to be like elephants (in mind, not in midsection) – what I mean is, we never forget! And while this can be a great skill to have when memorizing the ingredients of our husband’s favorite dish, filing away dates and times for family appointments, or remembering our grandchild’s birthday, it’s not such a positive thing when it comes to recalling past offenses. We females have a tendency to recollect and ruminate on wrongs done to us…replaying the ugly records over and over in our mind and throwing ourselves a great big pity party.

As Nelson Mandela pointed out in the quote above, bitterness and hatred only serve to imprison us. Scripture says much the same thing:

…by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved. – 2 Peter 2:19b

We have to Let it Go.

Now, here are a few things that Letting it Go is not…

Letting it go is not denying the reality that you experienced pain. It is not saying that the person who hurt you is a swell individual. It is not repeatedly putting yourself back in harm’s way. It is not allowing toxic people to come back into your life without having changed.

Here’s what Letting it Go is…

Letting it go is acknowledging the pain you experienced, but choosing to release it. It is realizing that forgiveness says a lot more about you than it does about your offender. It is both relinquishing the bad old memories and striving to avoid making bad new memories. It is having enough self-respect to distance yourself from those who continually mistreat you without repentance.

No matter how rotten we’ve been treated, it simply doesn’t serve us to dwell on past wrongs. As long as we are stuck in the past, we not only cease to grow into a new and flourishing future, but we actually grow into something ugly – we become dark and miserable humans who only think of licking our wounds. We don’t level up, we don’t think of being a blessing to others…instead it’s all “poor me”. Gross! Remember, we want to hold our peace, not hold our grudges.

Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. – Isaiah 43:18

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. – Ephesians 4:31

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let it Go. The third and final step to holding your peace is to…

Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.

– Elisabeth Elliot

Trusting in the Lord is basically Christianity 101…yet when we are going through a trial, it’s easy to fall into despair. When the people who hurt us continue merrily along life’s path, never being held to task for their wrongs, never relenting in their pursuit of evil, and never meeting their demise, we may begin to feel like God has forgotten us or simply doesn’t care about our plight. I’m sure this is how the Israelites felt under harsh Egyptian bondage…I’m sure it’s how countless Jews felt under Hitler’s wicked regime…I’m sure it’s how many battered wives feel under the cruel hand of their abusive husbands. Of course God does not forget about us, nor is He apathetic about us. He cares deeply for each and every one of His children. However, He does not work on our time table:

But by His word the present heavens and earth are being reserved for fire, kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men. But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. – 2 Peter 3:7-9

Our God is a God of justice, but He is also a God of mercy. He is a God who prepares a fiery judgment for the wicked, but He is also a God who extends an invitation for the wicked to repent. He is a God who says, “you’re finished”, and He is a God who says, “I’m not finished with you yet”. Did you ever consider that God sometimes “holds His peace”? He doesn’t always send fire and brimstone down upon every lowlife – not right away, even if that is the end goal. But we can be assured that His judgment comes in the right measure, at the right time. We need to have enough humility to accept that He will move when the time is right. We have to Let God Work.

Now, here are a few things that Letting God Work is not…

Letting God work is not regarding our Lord like a genie in a bottle. It is not allowing our faith to rise and fall with each accepted or denied prayer request. It is not demanding for our will to be done. It is not taking revenge on our enemies while we wait for God to act.

Here are a few things that Letting God Work is…

Letting God work is regarding our Lord as the sovereign King that He is. It is staying faithful whether or not He delivers us from our trials. It is humbly accepting His will, even if it does not align with ours. It is learning to let it be, to let it go, and to leave our eventual vindication in God’s hands.

Though we may endure hardship upon hardship in this life…though we may have our name slung through the mud as people lie about us, slander us, and false accuse us…though we may be abused and mistreated by those we show nothing but devoted Christian love to…still we will trust in Him. Though the hurt be profuse, we Christians are a hardy people. We pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off, and we get back in the saddle again. We cast our cares on Jesus…for we know that one blessed day, not too far off, we will enter a new age where we will be surrounded by fellow comrades for Christ, and the enemies of the cross will reign no longer. Our present trial will be but a distant memory, as we enter the Promised Land.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. – Psalm 37:7

Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life. – Jude 21

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let God Work.

In conclusion…

How do you Hold Your Peace when you have been wronged?

You don’t “fly into a passion”. You don’t “fume and fret”. You don’t turn “mole-hills into mountains”.

Rather, you follow these 3 steps: You let it be, you let it go, and you let God work.

And above all, you…


May you be blessed, and remember to “forever hold your peace“.

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Good-bye, proud world! I’m going home:
Thou art not my friend, and I’m not thine.
Long through thy weary crowds I roam;
A river-ark on the ocean brine,
Long I’ve been tossed like the driven foam;
But now, proud world! I’m going home.

Good-bye to Flattery’s fawning face;
To Grandeur with his wise grimace;
To upstart Wealth’s averted eye;
To supple Office, low and high;
To crowded halls, to court and street;
To frozen hearts and hasting feet;
To those who go, and those who come;
Good-bye, proud world! I’m going home.

I am going to my own hearth-stone,
Bosomed in yon green hills alone, —
A secret nook in pleasant land,
Whose groves the frolic fairies planned;
Where arches green, the livelong day,
Echo the blackbird’s roundelay,
And vulgar feet have never trod
A spot that is sacred to thought and God.

– Excerpt from “Good-Bye” by Ralph Waldo Emerson

Mr. Emerson speaks of a place that is so special, so set-apart, so sacred, that he would gladly give up the flattery, grandeur, wealth, and office of the world just to get there: his hallowed hearth. “Good-bye, proud world! I’m going home” is his happy cry as he travels homeward to find sweet solitude within his own four walls.

Hearth and Home, symbols once regarded with awe and reverence, have become insignificant and obsolete to many in our culture. In a world that values over-sharing, over-stimulus, and being on the go all the time, those who lead quiet and simple home-based lives are regarded as “backwards homebodies”. But does God share this negative view towards a lady of hearth and home?

Proverbs 27:8 notes that: Like a bird that wanders from its nest, so is a person who wanders from his home. (think: exposed, vulnerable, endangered)

Proverbs 7:11b describes a wicked woman in this way: “Her feet do not remain at home.*

(*Contrast this with the Proverbs 31 woman who “watches over the activities of her household” (v. 27), or the Titus 2 woman who is a “worker at home” (v. 5).)

In 1 Timothy 5:14, Paul urged young widows to get married so that they would focus on “keeping house” instead of gallivanting around town as a busybody, like so many are wont to do!

Though contrary to “worldly wisdom”, the homefront is exactly where God intends for women to spend the majority of their time. If you are a housewife, or a woman who spends much of her time at home, chances are that at one point or another you will be put down or even ridiculed for your humble lifestyle. Most modern-day people, (even some in the church), fail to see the value of the “homely” woman – they think she’s not being enough…she’s not doing enough…that frankly, she’s not enough. But take heart, your God-ordained task of keeping the home is worth more than gold. Today, I want to share with you three ways that women positively impact themselves and others by simply cultivating and maintaining a Hallowed Hearth. First up is by…

The virtue of the soul does not consist in flying high, but in walking orderly.

– Montaigne, “Of Repentance,” Essays (1580-88)

Many women, though capable housewives, bemoan the drudgery of housework. “Aren’t I made for more?” one might ask herself. “I want to do something important! All I do is cook and clean all day. Where’s the spiritual meaning in that?” Others, in laziness, let their homes deteriorate into general disarray and filth, believing that the state of their living space has no real significance in the grand scheme of life. Still others go on to pursue careers or outside activities to fill their time, regarding these things to be a nobler calling than keeping the home.

Each of these three types of women have a faulty perspective in regard to the role of housewifery. They have not appreciated the value of The Ordered Room.

What if I told you that the state of your home is in direct correspondence to the state of your heart? Would you believe me if I said that imagining decor and imaging Deity are closely linked? Is it possible to fathom that following your recipe and following your Redeemer are both sacred acts?

Before you label me as a fruit loop or a heretic, hear me out on this. Have you ever considered that the God who loves propriety and order (1 Corinthians 14:40) just might be interested in rearing children who love propriety and order? In Genesis 1:26, God said, “let Us make mankind in Our image, according to Our likeness“. We see that God is a Father who wants to train up children after his nature. What is this nature? Here are a few aspects that He mentions: “be fruitful and multiply“, “fill the earth and subdue it“, and “rule over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the sky and over every living thing that moves on the earth” (Genesis 1:28). In layman’s terms, He said, “train some kids” (the spouse was already accounted for), “tackle some chores”, and “tend some animals”. You might be saying, “What?! I thought imaging God was doing some great feat!” Lest we be like Naaman, who balked at the simplicity of the task before him (2 Kings 5:10-14), we should rejoice that the Lord allows us to mirror Him in such simple ways.

Our God is a god of order. We can see His orderliness in all creation…from a simple bacteria, to the intricate human body, to the vast solar system. When we transform chaos into order and arrangement, we delight our Father by being His mini image-bearers. Child-rearing, cooking, tidying the house, conquering new skills, tending the garden, etc. are all fine examples of multiplying, subduing, and ruling in our little plot of earth. Far from being meaningless routine, homemaking is a sacred task. So order your room!

By wisdom a house is built, and by understanding it is established; and by knowledge the rooms are filled with all precious and pleasant riches. – Proverbs 24:3-4

The Ordered Room is a vital aspect of a Hallowed Hearth. The second way that ladies of hearth and home can positively impact themselves and others is by…

The humblest tasks get beautified if loving hands do them.

– Louisa May Alcott, Little Women

The answer to all these questions is a resounding no. However, there is a common misconception that service only counts when it adds mileage to your vehicle. What happened to the golden days of yore when it was oft said, “the hand that rocks the cradle is the hand that rules the world”? Less than a century ago, our ancestors believed that a woman’s sphere of influence was in the home, and not out of it. Nearly all women (up until World War I) were working behind the scenes, serving their families. Fast forward to today, and serving one’s family is considered of lesser value to outside pursuits…almost primitive.

We pondered in our previous point that imaging God doesn’t have to be some grand feat, but can take place even in the simplest of tasks – such as bringing order to a room. In much the same way, do we not image God’s Son when we offer our hand to serve our family on a daily basis? Is not the Messiah, who washed feet (John 13:12-15), well-pleased when we fold our husband’s laundry, serve our kids lunch, or groom the family pet? When we come before our families to serve rather than be served, we are being Christlike. (Matthew 20:28; Mark 10:45)

We are deceived when we buy into the narrative that service must be flashy, extravagant, and public. Offering a hand doesn’t have to mean being an ambassador to some far-away nation. Rather, the way a woman is called to serve is in humble fashion, among the household, making her husband’s home a haven. Jesus didn’t consider washing feet too “insignificant” a service to perform, nor should we hold this attitude towards housework. Serving can look like wiping a counter, sweeping a floor, preparing a meal, scrubbing a bathroom, and the like. If love for husband and children does not compel you, remember that your work is service to the Lord. (Colossians 3:23-24) Offering our hand to others in loving service is performing Kingdom work. So offer your hand!

Give her the product of her hands, and let her works praise her in the gates. – Proverbs 31:31

The Offered Hand is a vital aspect of a Hallowed Hearth. The third way that ladies of hearth and home can positively impact themselves and others is by…

Blest be that spot, where cheerful guests retire
To pause from toil and trim their evening fire;
Blest that abode, where want and pain repair,
And every stranger finds a ready chair.

– Oliver Goldsmith

The Ordered Room and The Offered Hand open the door to, well…The Opened Door. (I am told my puns are groan-inducing – oops.) When one combines a clean, orderly environment with a caring, serving heart, hospitality is made reachable. Let’s face it; no one wants to invite guests to a pigsty (nor does anyone want to be invited to a pigsty), and no one wants to invite guests to an uncharitable family setting (nor does anyone want to be invited into an uncharitable family setting). While some may boast that they offer the unedited, raw version of themselves to others – “this is who I am, take it or leave it” – such forward crudeness is inconsiderate, unladylike, and reveals a lack of character. We should honor our guests with the decency of a pleasant environment, in appearance and attitude alike. Give a little extra oomph to your tidying, and put a smile on your face. These actions will go a long way in making people feel welcome.

Women who work away from hearth and home are at a stark disadvantage in the hospitality department. For one thing, finding a time to invite people over is a very real challenge. Not to mention finding a time to ready the house for guests, or to feel capable of expending energy that has been sorely depleted in the workplace. Guests may even be a frustrating hindrance to the limited time she has to invest in her own family. This is just one of many reasons that I strongly encourage women (if their husbands allow them) to step out of the workforce and into full-time homemaking. A housewife has freedom of time and attentive focus that career women lack – two gifts that will greatly aid her in her ability to be a good hostess.

It’s worth pointing out that “hospitality”, though often used broadly to mean all manner of entertaining (mostly focused on family and friends), derives from the Greek word philoxenos: “the love of strangers”. While inviting family and friends over is a kind gesture and not without merit, the Bible primarily uses the idea of “hospitality” to address how we treat those who are not related or otherwise in our inner circle. There should be a special attention given to those who are “outsiders”…for example, inviting the visitor in worship service out to lunch, welcoming the new neighbor into your home for a cup of tea, or simply showing patience and understanding to the immigrant who is struggling to learn English. In the Old Testament, God’s people were commanded to treat strangers as one of their own, loving them as if they were one of their own (Leviticus 19:34), show justice towards strangers (Deuteronomy 27:19), and share of their food with them (Leviticus 19:10). The New Testament says that how we treat strangers is how we treat Jesus. (Matthew 25:35) Hospitality is imperative in our walk as Christians. So open your door!

A widow is to be put on the list only if she…has shown hospitality to strangers, if she has washed the saints’ feet, if she has assisted those in distress, and if she has devoted herself to every good work. – 1 Timothy 9a,10b

The Opened Door is a vital aspect of a Hallowed Hearth.

In conclusion…

A Hallowed Hearth consists of The Ordered Room, The Offered Hand, and The Opened Door. These three components will transform a humble house into a happy home, such as this beautiful quote encapsulates:

A true home is one of the most sacred of places. It is a sanctuary into which men flee from the world’s perils and alarms. It is a resting-place to which at close of day the weary retire to gather new strength for the battle and toils of tomorrow. It is the place where love learns its lessons, where life is schooled into discipline and strength, where character is molded. Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing as the making of a beautiful and happy home. He who does this builds a sanctuary for God and opens a fountain of blessing for men. Far more than we know, do the strength and beauty of our lives depend upon the home in which we dwell. He who goes forth in the morning from a happy, loving, prayerful home, into the world’s strife, temptation, struggle, and duty, is strong-inspired for noble and victorious living.

– J.R. Miller

May your hearth be hallowed, homemaker.

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.