She is not fair to outward view
As many maidens be,
Her loveliness I never knew
Until she smiled on me;
O, then I saw her eye was bright,
A well of love, a spring of light!
But now her looks are coy and cold,
To mine they ne’er reply,
And yet I cease not to behold
The love-light in her eye:
Her very frowns are fairer far
Than smiles of other maidens are.
– Hartley Coleridge
What unique quality does Mr. Coleridge’s sweetheart possess that leaves him so captivated? It certainly isn’t her good looks, as he freely admits to the plainness of her features in the opening line of his poem. A beauty queen this woman is not! Yet in spite of a nondescript appearance, she has a powerful hold over her man’s heart. Whether she smiles or frowns, he is smitten by her. Why is this?
I suggest to you now that Mr. Coleridge’s “intended” is in possession of a childlike spirit. Now, if you have yet to read last month’s article, L’Enfant L’Enchante: Wonder & Whimsy, I strongly encourage you to do so before proceeding with this month’s article (the second installment of a two-part series). I won’t be reviewing much of what we discussed previously, so it’s important to get some background on this potentially controversial topic before going full steam ahead. Read Part I here.
I’ll wait…
Did you read Part I? Great! Now we’re on the same wavelength. Allow me to remind you that the French phrase, L’Enfant L’Enchante (a rhyme that is pronounced: lahn-fahnt lahn-shahnt), is translated in English as “the child enchants him”. As we talked about in Part I of our series, a childlike spirit is enchanting to God and husbands alike. Childlikeness activates the manful drive to provide, protect, and promote the vulnerable. When we tap into our inner child, we can capture the hearts of our husbands in the way no “battle-axe”, “old-ball-and-chain”, or “strung-out and washed-out old harpy” ever could. We can, like Mr. Coleridge’s beloved, have the power to enchant with a smile or frown.
While last month’s article focused on enchanting our husbands with a smile (i.e. wonder & whimsy), this month’s article will focus on enchanting our husbands with a frown (i.e. madness & sadness). Sounds a little counterintuitive, doesn’t it? But it really works…if you go about it the right way! (The trick is to lean into childlikeness, not childishness. Remember: it’s all about emulating those positive features of children, rather than the negative features.) Next time you feel angry, let yourself be a…
What is childlike anger? It is the charming, expressive anger, spunk or sauciness of a little girl. There is no better school for learning childlike anger than watching the antics of little children, especially little girls who have been given an abundance of love. They are so trusting, so sincere, and so innocent, and yet so piquant and outspoken that they are often teased into anger. They are too innocent to feel hate, jealousy, resentment and the uglier emotions. When such a child is teased, she does not respond with some hideous sarcasm. Instead, she stamps her foot and shakes her curls and pouts. She gets adorably angry at herself because her efforts to respond are impotent. Finally, she switches off and threatens never to speak to you again, then glances back at you over her shoulder to see if you thought she really meant it, only to stomp her foot in impatience when she sees that you are not the least bit fooled.
A scene such as this will invariably make us smile with amusement. We feel an irresistible longing to pick up such a child and hug it. We would do anything rather than permit such an adorable little thing to suffer danger or want; to protect and care for such a delightfully human little creature would be nothing less than a delight. This is much the same feeling that a woman inspires in a man when she expresses anger in a childlike way. Her ridiculous exaggeration of manner makes him suddenly want to laugh; makes him feel, in contrast, stronger, more sensible and more of a man. This is why women who are little spitfires–independent and saucy–are often sought after by men. This anger, however, must be the sauciness of a child, and not the intractable stubbornness of a woman well able to ‘kill her own snakes.’
– Helen Andelin, Fascinating Womanhood
Learning to be a mad little wife when you are angry (as opposed to being a bitter, resentful shrew) will do wonders for diffusing the tension in your marriage. The rageful wife who rants and raves at her husband will be hard-pressed to get the response out of him that she desires. More often than not, a woman’s wrath only escalates the problem at hand, until husband and wife are both sorely at odds. A masculine man will typically respond in one of two ways to a raging woman: 1) show her who is boss, or 2) remove himself from her presence. Neither result is very satisfactory for that wife!
Childlike anger is a little-known, yet highly-effective method for maintaining marital harmony in the midst of injuries and offenses. Now, there are certainly times when this approach is inappropriate to the matter at hand (i.e. in response to marital infidelity, physical abuse, or other extremely injurious acts). It would be ludicrous to employ childlike anger in response to diabolical offenses such as these. I am not addressing extremes, but how to deal with your everyday, run-of-the-mill squabbles.
Notice some of the childlike tactics that Mrs. Andelin recommended in her quote above. One tactic is employing a visible response to anger. Stamping your feet, shaking your curls, pouting, etc. are all very childlike behaviors that will disarm your husband rather than put him on the defensive. A man who feels that he is being challenged will tend to view his wife as a rival, leading to a “fight or flight” response (put her in her place or evacuate the premises). It is in a man’s very nature to fend off an “enemy”…even if she is his lawfully wedded wife! It is also in a man’s nature to provide, protect, and promote. If he sees you as vulnerable rather than threatening, he will be more sensitive towards you.
The second tactic Mrs. Andelin recommended is that of an audible response to anger. A childlike exaggeration such as “I’m never speaking to you again!” will get your husband’s attention without getting his ire up. (If not spoken in earnest, of course) The sheer ridiculousness of such a statement denotes a certain “helplessness” or “impotence” that makes you appear more of a woman, and he, more of a man. If you combine visible and audible responses to anger, your husband will be so much more receptive than if you “fly off the handle” as so many women make the grave mistake of doing.
Fascinating Womanhood is chock-full of practical ideas for expressing childlike anger. One of my favorite tips is this: when describing your husband’s treatment of you, use expressions and words that compliment his masculinity. In her book, Mrs. Andelin suggested expressions such as, “you big, tough brute!” or “you stubborn, obstinate man!”, and words such as unyielding, determined, difficult, hard-hearted, inflexible, unruly, stiff-necked, indomitable, and invincible. (These examples can be adjusted to fit a more modern vocabulary if you wish. The point is to appeal to your husband’s maleness.) Many wives, when angry, will demean and belittle their husbands. I have yet to see a husband won over by such a nasty approach! But a cute, childlike, soft answer can turn away wrath.
We all get angry from time to time, but it’s how we choose to respond that makes all the difference. When we were little girls, we were “too innocent to feel hate, jealousy, resentment and the uglier emotions“. Why don’t we return to that childlike innocence? We can show fervor without ferocity. We can get our point across without blowing our top. We can get mad at our husbands without sinning against them. We can learn to release steam in a way that is innocent, healthy, and even delightful.
Let yourself be a mad little wife. You will be happier and better for it, and your husband will be happier and better for it. Childlike anger will wrap your husband around your finger. L’Enfant L’Enchante…the child enchants him!
Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity. – Ephesians 4:26-27
Now let’s discuss another reason wives frown: sadness. Next time you feel hurt, let yourself be a…
The second way of being childlike is that of being hurt. The feeling of being hurt is a crushing or cutting sensation as being cut with a knife, only the wound is in the spirit rather than the flesh. When hurt, one does not feel the emotion of anger, or feel tempted to lose one’s temper. Instead, there are two tendencies–one to cry and the other withdraw. The trouble is that when tempted to cry, women usually over-react, displaying deeply wounded feelings and emotional turmoil. This can be frustrating to a man. He is often at his wits’ end to know how to comfort her. I have known men who, in their desperation, walk away and leave a woman alone due to a feeling of inadequacy as to how to handle the situation. Or when a woman reacts in an opposite way–withdrawing into her shell, she forms resentments and breaks communications. In either case there is harm to the marriage relationship.
The best way to express ourselves when hurt is to again copy the mannerisms of little children. When children are hurt, the lips quiver and a tear or two trickles down the cheeks. Or they look with downcast eyes, pout, mumble a few broken words, tremble, rub their foot along the carpet and look rather helpless in their predicament. Or, if the occasion merits it, the cry can be more expressive, with exaggerations and heaving of the breast, but with an absence of bitterness. Childlike crying is amusing and charming and arouses tenderness in men. It is a marvelous way to handle human frailties and build good marriage relationships.
When a woman reacts in a childlike way, however, she must be certain that her actions resemble the showy outbreak of a child and not the emotional turmoil of a deeply disturbed woman.
– Helen Andelin, Fascinating Womanhood
Learning to be a sad little wife when you are hurt (as opposed to becoming an emotional wreck) will do wonders for drawing the tenderness from your marriage. Most men can’t tolerate the sight of a blubbering, bawling woman. On the flip side, most men can’t resist the sight of a pitiful, pouting child. What accounts for the difference? The latter scenario, in a way, begs for a man’s help. The former scenario is, in a way, beyond a man’s help. Men are not apt to embark upon a hopeless enterprise. When a man perceives a problem as being beyond his ability to solve, he will typically respond by leaving that “unsolvable situation” alone in order to invest time and efforts elsewhere.
If you are that “unsolvable situation” in your husband’s life, you will probably find yourself unable to inspire the comfort and consolation out of him that you desire. Many men don’t attempt to soothe their inconsolable wives, because their wives are simply, well…inconsolable! Lost causes, if you will. A husband will often leave his wife to her emotions until she “comes around”, and such a man can hardly be blamed. There’s not much a guy can do for a gal who chooses to wallow in her misery!
In the quote above, Mrs. Andelin again recommended a visible response to hurt feelings. The quivering lip, the shedding of one or two tears, the downcast eyes, the pout, the tremble, the dragging foot…each one of these examples is a subtle “cry for help” meant to elicit a tender male response. Childlike hurt reveals a level of vulnerability that appeals to a man’s protective nature.
Though it’s easier to miss, Mrs. Andelin did recommend an audible response to hurt feelings, just as she did with anger. This time, she mentioned “mumbling a few broken words”. It is so important to be sparing with the words we say when our heart is hurting. Otherwise, complaints, bitterness, and resentment tend to enter the conversation…and such talk is a surefire way to repel our husbands.
Some of the childlike approaches in dealing with anger are applicable for dealing with hurt feelings, as well. Playing the victim (in a mild manner) can be charmingly childlike. Some cute phrases from the book include this one from Helen herself: “how can a great big man like you pick on a poor little helpless girl like me?” And one from a reader: “just because you’re bigger and stronger than I am you think you can push me around.” Gently reminding your man that you are the weaker vessel will not only help him remember to employ his sensitivity, but make him feel like a MAN in the process!
We all feel hurt from time to time, but it’s how we choose to respond that makes all the difference. When we were little girls, we were “expressive…but with an absence of bitterness“. Why don’t we return to that childlike innocence? We can show pain without inflicting punishment. We can feel sorrow without sinking into the depths of despair. We can have a hard moment without having a hard day. We can learn to reveal our emotions in a way that is innocent, healthy, and even delightful.
Let yourself be a sad little wife. You will be happier and better for it, and your husband will be happier and better for it. Childlike hurt will wrap your husband around your finger. L’Enfant L’Enchante…the child enchants him!
Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth. – Matthew 5:3-5
In conclusion…
If you would diffuse the tension in and draw the tenderness from your marriage, I encourage you to reclaim the madness & sadness of your childhood. Practice showing childlike anger and childlike hurt when you are upset, and watch the hostility in your marriage become a thing of the past. To learn more about childlikeness and other groundbreaking marriage concepts found in Fascinating Womanhood, do yourself a favor and snag a copy of this very special book! You’re never too old to be a mad little wife; a sad little wife.
Cultivate a childlike spirit for your husband. L’Enfant L’Enchante…the child enchants him!
And cultivate a childlike spirit for your God. L’Enfant L’Enchante…the child enchants Him!
For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks
Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.
