Destress the Damsel

A young Hound started a Hare, and, when he caught her up, would at one moment snap at her with his teeth as though he were about to kill her, while at another he would let go his hold and frisk about her, as if he were playing with another dog. At last the Hare said, “I wish you would show yourself in your true colours! If you are my friend, why do you bite me? If you are my enemy, why do you play with me?”

Moral: He is no friend who plays double.

– “The Hound and the Hare”, a fable of Aesop

We’ve all probably known her at one point or another: the friend that can’t decide whether to go or stay; the friend that can’t decide whether she loves me, or she loves me not. Such a friend slowly detaches herself from your life until at last, the friendship that once was becomes nothing but a bittersweet memory, never to be enjoyed again.

Even my close friend in whom I trusted, who ate my bread, has lifted up his heel against me. – Psalm 41:9

One of the most underrated heartbreaks one can experience is the heartbreak of a fractured friendship. The slow loss of a friend is a pain that we mourn in silence, for a friendship’s end is not marked by an obituary, a writ of divorce, or a termination notice. Fractured friendships leave behind no tangible evidence, but only an invisible wound to the heart.

For it is not an enemy who reproaches me, then I could bear it; nor is it one who hates me who has exalted himself against me, then I could hide myself from him. But it is you, a man my equal, my companion and my familiar friend; we who had sweet fellowship together walked in the house of God in the throng. – Psalm 55:12-13

If you have ever had to ask yourself if your friend “loves you” or “loves you not”, if you have ever been hit with the painful realization that she is pulling away from your camaraderie, if you have ever felt the bitter sting of betrayal because she didn’t hold your friendship in the same esteem that you did…I understand your ache, and I am truly sorry. I can’t make your disloyal friend come back; but what I can do is extend a loyal hand of friendship to you, and I can share a few things I have learned through my own injurious experience.

There are three facts about a fractured friendship that need to be accepted before proper healing can take place in your heart. The first fact is:

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“Well this sounds nice, doesn’t it? She loves me!”

But did you notice the comma? A sad reality with some friends is that they are not in it for the long haul, but will only love you for a time. While you were seeing a kindred spirit reflected in your friend, a real bosom buddy that you connected with and wanted to hang onto forever; she only saw you as a temporary bit of cheer. She viewed you as disposable.

King David acquired a fair-weather friend such as this when he was a young man. In 1 Samuel 16, we learn that Saul, the first king of Israel, had been contending with “an evil spirit” that “terrorized” him. Saul’s servants advised him to find a skilled harpist to soothe him whenever he found himself in distress. Saul agreed with this idea and commanded, “provide for me now a man who can play well and bring him to me.” (v. 17) We all know the famous harpist who was chosen: David. Notice Saul’s strong emotional reaction upon their meeting:

Then David came to Saul and attended him; and Saul loved him greatly, and he became his armor bearer. Saul sent to Jesse, saying, “Let David now stand before me, for he has found favor in my sight.” – 1 Samuel 16:21-22 (emphasis added)

David was in with the king! He had risen from his lifestyle as a common shepherd boy and become Saul’s personal entertainer and armor bearer. Saul was crazy about this kid and made quick friends with him. Unfortunately, Saul was not committed to be a forever friend to David. Saul was a “he loves me comma” kinda pal. Now, with a true friend, there is no comma after “he/she loves me”. In fact, Proverbs 17:17a says that, “A friend loves at all times”. Saul certainly did not love David at all times or for all time. In fact, this new “friend” of David’s would one day be transformed into his number one enemy.

If your gal pal is as fickle in heart as Saul was toward David, then you’ll need to accept that “she loves me comma” will soon be exchanged for the bitter fact that:

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If you are a true friend, it’s hard to swallow that not everyone has a loyal heart like yours. You think, “how could someone just walk away without so much as a parting glance, when they meant so much to me?” If you allow your mind to dwell on your friend’s departure, questions such as these will plague your thoughts and the injustice of it all will drive you mad. Painful as it is, you have to realize that she’s not like you. Perhaps your friend never truly cared for you to begin with, or something happened that turned her away; but the fact remains that she doesn’t share your sense of loyalty…when she is done with you, she is done. You can try to hold onto the friendship with all your might, but if your friend doesn’t return your love, the tightest grasp will not keep her. Let her go, allow yourself to mourn the fellowship that is lost, and keep your heart soft so that you can be a loyal friend to others who will return your devotion.

I know what you might be thinking. Try as you may to move on, the question still begs to be asked: “why does she love me not“? If you showed yourself to be a good friend, what could have caused the fractured friendship? Sadly, no matter how true of a friend you are, there are numerous reasons a friendship can fracture. Here are just a few that the Bible mentions:

• Friendships can fracture if your friend becomes jealous (as in the case of Joseph’s brothers). Genesis 37:4 says that, “His brothers saw that their father loved him more than all his brothers; and so they hated him and could not speak to him on friendly terms.”

• Friendships can fracture if your friend listens to gossip about you. We learn in Proverbs 16:28 & 17:9 that gossip has an uncanny ability of “separating intimate friends”.

• Friendships can fracture if your friend decides that you’re no longer the life of the party. Proverbs 19:4 reveals that “wealth adds many friends, but a poor man is separated from his friend”. v. 7 goes on to say that “all the brothers of a poor man hate him; how much more do his friends abandon him! He pursues them with words, but they are gone.“

In Saul and David’s case, the reason for their fractured friendship was Saul’s severe jealousy. In 1 Samuel 18:7 (right after David had returned home from killing Goliath) women sang this chant: “Saul has slain his thousands, and David his ten thousands.” Saul was enraged by jealousy at these words, and he allowed this jealousy to grow into hatred. 1 Samuel 18:9 marks the beginning of troubles for David: “Saul looked at David with suspicion from that day on.” What started as a promising friendship would never again be revisited. Saul’s jealousy drove him to deceive David, scheme against David, relentlessly chase after David, and attempt to murder David (on more than one occasion). Saul had foolishly allowed the words of some local fan-girls to have such an impact on him as to permanently fracture a friendship beyond repair.

If your gal pal has pulled a King Saul move and bid your friendship farewell, there is one very significant fact that I want you to remember. You would do well to remind yourself that even though your friendship with her has ended in a resounding “she loves me not“, you have one Friend that will never leave you nor forsake you. Your friendship with God continues with a resounding:

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Even if every person you know should turn their back on you, never will you be truly friendless as long as you have the Lord in your life. He will never turn his back on a friend. He will never show himself to be disloyal. He will never break your heart. His friendship is the real deal.

A man of too many friends comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother. – Proverbs 18:24

When David fell out of favor with Saul, he did not fall out of favor with God. Saul saw David as a rival. God saw David as “a man after His own heart”. (Acts 13:22b) Saul inspired David to run from him. God inspired David to run to Him. Saul was David’s fair-weather friend. God was David’s forever friend. And He will likewise be a friend to you and me. We can choose to walk away from God, but He will never choose to walk away from us. Though the loss of human friendship undoubtedly inflicts pain to the heart, one can find comfort in His love.

A word of advice: don’t let a fractured friendship make you bitter. Just because your friend wasn’t willing to stick by you until the end, doesn’t mean that everybody is like her. Faithful hearts are hard to find, but just as sure as one exists in you, such a heart exists in another. Don’t write off future friendships, for our God has a way of “restoring the years that the locusts have eaten”. (Joel 2:25a) It just may be that He sends a true friend into your life that will not abandon you like the one who “loves you not”. This was certainly true for David. He found the truest friend in a man named Jonathan…ironically, this was Saul’s own son. It is said of Jonathan that he “loved David as himself.” (1 Samuel 18:3b) Even with all the troubles that David endured on account of his fractured friendship with Saul, David had faithful comrades in the Lord and Jonathan. David could truly say of them both: “He loves me.”

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In conclusion…

Has your heart been put through the ringer by a friend? Remember: whether she loves you, or she loves you not…He loves you. She may have turned her back on you, but God will do no such thing. Draw near to Him, and He will draw near to you. (James 4:8) Focus on being the kind of friend that you wish your friend would have been. Keep that loyal heart of yours tender, and determine that you, unlike her, “do not forsake your own friend or your father’s friend.” (Proverbs 27:10a)

David’s friendship, your friendship, and mine…fractured, every one. These friendships may be fractured beyond repair, but we are not. We pick up the fragments of our aching hearts and rise as stronger people for the lessons we have learned. We grow from the friends who loved us, and from the friends who loved us not, because we have a Friend who loves.

We are made of all those who have built and broken us.

– Atticus Poetry

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

I can wash out forty four pairs of socks and have ’em hangin’ out on the line
I can starch and iron two dozen shirts ‘fore you can count from one to nine
I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippin’s can
Throw it in the skillet, go out and do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I can rub and scrub til this old house is shinin’ like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, and powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing ’til four A.M. and then
Lay down at five, jump up at six, and start all over again
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

If you come to me sickly you know I’m gonna make you well
If you come to me all hexed up you know I’m gonna break the spell
If you come to me hungry you know I’m gonna fill you full of grits
If it’s lovin’ you’re likin’, I’ll kiss you and give you the shiverin’ fits
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I got a twenty dollar gold piece says there ain’t nothing I can’t do
I can make a dress out of a feed bag and I can make a man out of you

‘Cause I’m a woman! A W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, and that’s all

– “I’m a Woman” by Peggy Lee

Women who read the lyrics to this song will most likely experience one of two knee-jerk reactions:

“Oh my, somebody’s a little over-confident. Ha!”

or…

“Yes, that sounds just like me! Finally someone understands!”

If you fall into the first camp, it’s likely that you have a healthy view of your womanhood. However, if you fall into the second camp, your self-perspective just might need some adjusting. There is a dangerous tendency in humans to “think of themselves more highly than they ought to think”, as Paul warned about in Romans 12:3. This prideful thinking leads to unseemly and ungodly boasting, which a God-fearing woman will avoid like the plague.

Are you guilty of boasting? I’m afraid that this is a sin that often goes unrecognized, as it’s used among many women in everyday conversation. Practical examples include…

“Oh yes, I always do the yearly taxes for our family. You know how us wives are, just regular secretaries!”

“After I drop Jimmy off at soccer practice, I have to rush Timmy over to his piano lessons. You know how us moms are, chauffeuring everyone around all the time…”

“If I’m not cooking a meal, I’m grocery shopping for cooking a meal, or I’m prepping for cooking a meal, or I’m cleaning up after cooking a meal. You know how us homemakers are…we practically live in the kitchen.”

Boasting is not necessarily shouting, “I’m the best”, as you fly a flag bearing your name on it (though that would certainly fall into the category of boasting). More often, boasting is subtly sneaked in to conversation. Because it is part of our fleshly nature as humans to point to our own accomplishments, many women perhaps don’t even realize when they are boasting. Nevertheless, when we draw attention to ourselves by self-praising our roles as wives, mothers, etc. it is boasting. It is not humble. It is not meek. It is not discreet. A boast should no sooner escape a Christian woman’s lips than a swear word, a lie, or a cutting remark. While it may be tempting to seek compliments and approval from others, God calls us to serve in humility. He calls us to duty and self-sacrifice. He calls us to meekly and quietly perform good deeds, without seeking a pat on the back. As wives and mothers, the name of our game should be: show and (don’t) tell.

Today, I want to share with you two reasons that you and I don’t need boasting in our lives. Reason #1:

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As a Christian woman, my aims in life are pretty straightforward:

• Fear the Lord (Proverbs 31:30)
• Help the husband (Genesis 2:18)
• Raise the children (1 Timothy 2:15)
• Keep the home (Titus 2:4)

Do I have any right to boast about performing these duties that the Lord expects of me? Not according to Jesus! He says:

…when you do all the things which are commanded you, say, ‘we are unworthy slaves; we have done only that which we ought to have done.’ – Luke 17:10b

Being a God-fearing wife, mother, and homemaker is my job. To consider myself as more than an unworthy slave would be prideful, and to boast about my deeds would be ludicrous. I was made for this job, and every task I perform therein ought to be for the glory of God, not for the applause of humans. Ask yourself which reward is more gratifying: the praise of men, or of our Lord? We can’t seek after both…

Beware of practicing your righteousness before men to be noticed by them; otherwise you have no reward with your Father who is in heaven. – Matthew 6:1

Of course, there will be times where people will notice our work and praise us, and that’s a-okay. As long as we are not self-praising, or actively seeking the praise of others, it is appropriate to modestly receive compliments from others (though we must always be aware of keeping our egos in check).

Let another praise you, and not your own mouth; a stranger, and not your own lips. – Proverbs 27:2

Be content to do your work quietly and joyfully, and your reputation will precede you in the Kingdom of God…

Give her the product of her hands, and let her own works praise her in the gates. – Proverbs 31:31

Show and (don’t) tell!

The most laudable and effective way to promote ourselves is to allow our works rather than our tongue to do it.

– Leroy Brownlow, Thoughts of Gold

Reason #2 that you and I don’t need boasting in our lives…

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I absolutely love being a woman. It truly is a joy to be in the role God created me for. All my life, I desired to be a wife, a mother, and a homemaker; and now I get to live that dream! I am in my happy place when I am at home with my family. I feel my best when I am being productive and needed. See, when you truly love doing something, you will rarely feel the need to boast when you do it…

• The musician does not boast about how many hours he “drudges away” at his piano bench…it feels like mere minutes to him for his joy of the instrument.
• The chef does not boast about how he “slaves over a hot cook-stove”…it hardly feels like labor to him for his joy of making delightful dishes.
• The nanny does not boast about how she “wrangles rugrats”…it feels like playtime to her for her joy of spending time with little ones.

Like the old adage says, “choose a job you love and you’ll never have to work a day in your life”. These kinds of “jobs” are more like hobbies to an individual suited to the task. Well, I am suited to the task of being a wife, mom, and homemaker. Why would I feel the need to boast about performing a job that is pure joy to me? Such boasting is a sort of gluttony, eating up joy twice: once in the performing of the task, and then again in seeking praise for doing so…

It is not good to eat much honey, nor is it glory to search out one’s own glory. – Proverbs 25:27

Boasting is arrogant. It speaks only of love for self, and nothing for the love of others.

…love does not brag… – excerpt from 1 Corinthians 13:4

Our roles as women are nothing short of a gift from God. Let us joyfully and humbly accept His gifts without putting on airs.

For who regards you as superior? What do you have that you did not receive? And if you did receive it, why do you boast as if you had not received it? – 1 Corinthians 4:7

Show and (don’t) tell!

I slept and dreamt that life was joy. I awoke and saw that life was service. I acted and behold, service was joy.

– Rabindranath Tagore

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In conclusion…

I am resolved not to boast about myself, or my roles as a wife, mother, and homemaker. Why should I boast? After all, this is my job, and this is my joy! All of us ought to allow our deeds to speak for themselves, and kick the habit of self-praise, A.K.A. boasting, to the curb.

If you think you just don’t have it in you to abolish the habit of boasting altogether, then Scripture provides an alternative. You can amend your boasting to align with Jeremiah 9:23-24:

Thus says the Lord, “let not a wise man boast of his wisdom, and let not the mighty man boast of his might, let not a rich man boast of his riches; but let him who boasts boast of this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who exercises lovingkindness, justice and righteousness on earth; for I delight in these things,” declares the Lord. [emphasis added]

For the Christian, there is only one proper way to boast…and that is in and of our Maker. Of Him we may freely show and tell.

…He who boasts is to boast in the Lord. For it is not he who commends himself that is approved, but he whom the Lord commends. – 2 Corinthians 10:15b-16

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Never give up
Never give up
The tide is high, but I’m holding on
I’m gonna be your number one
I’m not the kind of girl who gives up just like that
Oh, no

It’s not the things you do that tease and hurt me bad
But it’s the way you do the things you do to me
I’m not the kind of girl who gives up just like that
Oh, no

The tide is high, but I’m holding on
I’m gonna be your number one
The tide is high, but I’m holding on
I’m gonna be your number one
Number one
Number one

Every girl wants you to be her man
But I’ll wait right here ’til it’s my turn
I’m not the kind of girl who gives up just like that
Oh, no

The tide is high, but I’m holding on
I’m gonna be your number one
The tide is high, but I’m holding on
I’m gonna be your number one
Number one
Number one

Every time that I get the feeling
You give me something to believe in
Every time that I got you near me
I know the way that I want it to be
But you know, I’m gonna take my chance now
I’m gonna make it happen somehow
And you know I can take the pressure
A moment’s pain for a lifetime’s pleasure

-excerpt from “The Tide is High” (Atomic Kitten version)

If ever a girl aspired to be a man’s “number one”, it was Jacob’s first wife, Leah. But just like the song, she was up against a high tide – one terribly lopsided love. Still, her mantra was that of “never give up”, for she chased after her husband’s heart all her days. You know the lopsided love story of Jacob and Leah…

of how Jacob held a candle for Leah’s sister, Rachel. How Jacob made a deal with the sisters’ father for Rachel’s hand in marriage. How Laban pulled a bait and switch on Jacob, replacing Rachel with Leah on what was to have been Jacob and Rachel’s wedding night. How Jacob called Laban out on his deception, and demanded Rachel as his wife in addition to Leah, though Jacob had to strike another deal to do so. How Jacob loved Rachel more than Leah, no matter how hard Leah tried to gain his approval. [Genesis 29FF] Yes, we all know this sad story of deception that led to an unrequited love between man and wife. What we may not know, is that Leah has given us a beautiful pattern of how to be an excellent wife to an unloving husband.

Are you in a marriage of lopsided love – are you living like Leah? As we enter into February, a month filled with heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and bouquets of flowers, I want us to remember the girl who loved so much…but was nobody’s valentine. Maybe you can relate to Leah; perhaps you know the pain of being rejected by the man you love. Then this message is for you. Today, we are going to see how Leah responded to her painful circumstance with dignity. If you are living like Leah, here are 9 things you need to proclaim in the midst of your lopsided love…

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Leah conceived and bore a son and named him Reuben, for she said, “Because the Lord has seen my affliction; surely now my husband will love me.” – Genesis 29:32

The name Reuben means: “behold a son!”. Leah’s unloved state was no secret in the family, least of all to her. Just the same, she held out hope that her husband would eventually love her. She assumed that bearing Jacob his first son would seal the deal. After all, wouldn’t the sexual encounter that produced Reuben have meant something to Jacob? Wouldn’t Leah’s submissive act of carrying her man’s seed in her womb show Jacob that she was a help meet to treasure? Sadly, their little boy did not stir up the emotions in Jacob that Leah hoped they would. Jacob still regarded her with indifference, if not downright contempt.

Even though Jacob didn’t love Leah, she loved him. This is truly key in learning to live like Leah. She was a woman who returned love for hate. Even when Leah’s hopes were dashed, her response toward her husband was noble. She didn’t get angry, she didn’t get ugly, she didn’t get even. What did she get? She got pregnant. Again. And then she said…

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Then she conceived again and bore a son and said, “Because the Lord has heard that I am unloved, He has therefore given me this son also.” So she named him Simeon. – Genesis 29:33

The name Simeon means: “heard”. Leah was no dummy…though she had hoped that Reuben’s birth would have made her husband love her, she was well aware that it hadn’t done the trick. Not one to accept defeat, she bore Jacob baby boy #2. She acknowledged that she was still unloved at the time of Simeon’s birth, but considered the baby a comfort from the Lord who was sensitive to her pain.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She still glorified God in the midst of her pain and counted her blessings…Reuben and Simeon. She was a woman who looked for something to be thankful for in the midst of her bleak circumstances. She didn’t complain, she didn’t mope, she didn’t throw a pity party. She honored God and then she said…

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She conceived again and bore a son and said, “Now this time my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” Therefore he was named Levi. – Genesis 29:34

The name Levi means: “joined to”. At this point of Leah’s life, she had learned to lower the bar of her expectations. Instead of expecting her husband to love her, she was willing to settle for him holding a fond place for her in his heart. Leah had accepted the fact that Jacob would probably never be head over heels for her like he was for Rachel, but she hoped that he could at least build some sort of bond with her. She would rather play second fiddle than not be in the band at all, and perhaps Levi was the ticket to building a closer bond with her guy.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She still believed that an element of closeness was achievable in their marriage. She didn’t let her expectations rule her, but she adjusted them to fit a more realistic goal. She didn’t act entitled, she didn’t demand, she didn’t stamp her foot. She got a different perspective and then she said…

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And she conceived again and bore a son and said, “This time I will praise the Lord.” Therefore she named him Judah. Then she stopped bearing. – Genesis 29:35

The name Judah means: “praised”. Leah realized that God was still acting on her behalf through her ongoing grief. When she looked in the faces of Reuben, Simeon, Levi, and now baby Judah, she saw four undeniable blessings that God had mercifully given. Though Leah had not gained the love of her husband, she had gained the love of the boys she had carried for him. In moments of spiritual strength, it was enough.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She shifted her thoughts off of herself and onto her God. She chose to focus on Him and praise Him without hope of any reward beyond that which she already possessed. She didn’t cry, she didn’t beg, she didn’t try to make a deal. She gave praises to God and put everything else on pause. But then her sister started a competition Leah couldn’t resist. Leah gave her handmaid to Jacob and then she said…

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When Leah saw that she had stopped bearing, she took her maid Zilpah and gave her to Jacob as a wife. Leah’s maid Zilpah bore Jacob a son. Then Leah said, “How fortunate!” So she named him Gad. – Genesis 30:9

The name Gad means: “fortune”. After Rachel gave her handmaid to Jacob as a form of surrogate, Leah decided to do the same with her own handmaid. Even though Rachel’s handmaid had only borne two children to Jacob, and Leah still had the upper hand with four children, Leah wasn’t about to risk losing any potential headway she had gained toward Jacob’s heart. Perhaps as much as Jacob already loved Rachel, Leah feared that he would begin loving her even more now that they had adopted two kids together. This would mean even less of a chance that Leah could ever win her husband’s affections. Right or wrong, she decided to act. She jumped headlong into the handmaid races. When Zilpah gave birth to Gad, Leah considered it a fortunate thing. She reckoned herself back in the running to win Jacob’s love.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She considered any opportunity to win her husband’s heart (no matter how foolhardy) a fortunate thing. While I don’t condone polygamy, I want to focus on this important principle: Leah was a woman who wasn’t afraid to think outside the box in her marriage. She was willing to go to extreme lengths to win her man, and that is a praiseworthy trait. She didn’t cash in her chips, she didn’t throw in the towel, she didn’t say “it’s not worth it anymore”. She stayed the course, and then she said…

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Leah’s maid Zilpah bore Jacob a second son. Then Leah said, “Happy am I! For women will call me happy.” So she named him Asher. – Genesis 30:12-13

The name Asher means: “happy one”. When Zilpah gave birth to another baby boy for Jacob and Leah’s side of the family, Leah was overcome with positive emotion. With six strapping boys in the family, Leah knew that she had something many women (her sister included) could only dream of. When she looked at her life objectively, she had to admit that her life was not devoid of happiness. Leah chose to have a spirit of optimism, and we find her yet again believing that good things could be in store for her. Asher gave her a renewed sense of hope and happiness.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She was happy that six young men bearing her husband’s image called her “mother”. She took an outsider’s perspective of her life, and took comfort in knowing she was living someone’s dream, if not her own. No one would desire to be an unhappy wife, but many would desire to be a happy mother. This is what Leah chose to emphasize to others. She didn’t seek for attention, she didn’t ask for pity, she didn’t bemoan her situation to her “girlfriends”. She took an objective view of her situation, and then she said…

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God gave heed to Leah, and she conceived and bore Jacob a fifth son. Then Leah said, “God has given me my wages because I gave my maid to my husband.” So she named him Issachar – Genesis 30:17-18

The name Issachar means: “there is recompense”. Little Issachar came about nine months after Leah and Rachel’s famous dispute over mandrakes. These mandrakes were a gift to Leah from her eldest son, Reuben, and Rachel wanted them for herself. I am told that mandrakes were considered an effective fertility stimulant, so it’s no wonder that Rachel (who at the time had no children save those born from her handmaid) would want to get her hands on some. “Please give me your mandrakes!” Rachel begged…to which Leah curtly replied, “have you not already stolen my husband? Would you steal my mandrakes also?” Not one to take no for an answer, Rachel promised Leah that she could sleep with Jacob that night in return for the plant, and Leah snatched at this opportunity for a romantic evening. The deal was struck, and in my opinion, it was struck in Leah’s favor. I can’t help but think that Leah had a much better grasp on conception…sure, Rachel got the mandrakes, but Leah got the man! I daresay the latter is the far more effective fertility stimulant. Leah’s romantic evening resulted in baby boy #7.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She believed that through Issachar’s birth, God was recompensing her for giving her handmaid to Jacob. It’s hard to understand a culture where this was considered acceptable, but the bottom line remains that Leah was always looking for ways to please her man and show her love towards him. She wanted to perpetuate her husband’s lineage no matter the cost, because she was a wife who truly honored her husband. Now Leah’s handmaid took a step back from conceiving, and Leah herself was back in the baby-making business. She didn’t give up, she didn’t back down, she didn’t lose hope. She graciously accepted another gift from God, and then she said…

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Leah conceived again and bore a sixth son to Jacob. Then Leah said, “God has endowed me with a good gift; now my husband will dwell with me, because I have borne him six sons.” So she named him Zebulun. – Genesis 30:19-20

The name Zebulun means: “exalted”. When young and hopeful Leah had Reuben, she was asking for her husband’s love. By the time she had Levi, she had lowered her expectation a tad and was simply asking for her husband’s affection. Now, older and wiser, she asked for the humblest of requests: only that her husband would dwell with her. She longed to be exalted from her humbled state…living in separate quarters from the one she loved. How many women who are unloved still yearn to dwell with their husbands? This isn’t an attitude one sees often. In fact, the opposite is more often the case. I see many a woman seeking to dwell away from her husband…divorcing and leaving him in a cloud of dust if he doesn’t “treat her right” or live up to her expectations. Not Leah…she never stopped yearning for her love to be by her side.

Even though Jacob still didn’t love Leah, she still loved him. She still believed that they could live together like a healthy, loving, couple. The years of rejection had not deterred her adamant desire toward her husband. She would prove she was the right girl for him if she could only get close enough for him to see her value and how much she adored him. She didn’t hide away in her tent, she didn’t threaten to leave, she didn’t take on a devil-may-care attitude. She made a humble request and then she said…

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Afterward she bore a daughter and named her Dinah. – Genesis 30:21

The name Dinah means: “judgment”. As far as we know, this is Jacob and Leah’s last baby: their one little girl. Not much is said about Leah’s mindset at Dinah’s birth, but I believe that the meaning of Dinah’s name gives us a hint. The “judgment” spoken of here is a vindication…an acquittal. A setting to rights. Certainly, there were a great many things that needed to be set to rights in Leah’s lonely life. Would there be any comfort for her weary heart? Or would she who had loved so genuinely and so purely be cast aside and forgotten forever? She seemed to believe that God would come through for her in the end, but was this just a fool’s hope?

While the Bible never explicitly says that “Jacob finally fell in love with Leah and they lived happily ever after”, there is good reason to believe that he may have come to love her before he breathed his last. You probably know that Rachel, Leah’s rival sister, died in childbirth while travelling with the family to Bethlehem and was buried on the side of the road. Leah, on the other hand, was buried in the family tomb in the land of Canaan. On Jacob’s deathbed, he gives his sons orders on where to bury his body. He said…

…”I am about to be gathered to my people; bury me with my fathers in the cave that is in the field of Ephron the Hittite, in the cave that is in the field of Machpelah, which is before Mamre, in the land of Canaan, which Abraham bought along with the field from Ephron the Hittite for a burial site. There they buried Abraham and his wife Sarah, there they buried Isaac and his wife Rebekah, and there I buried Leah…” – Genesis 49:29b-31 [emphasis added]

Abraham and Sarah. Isaac and Rebekah. And Jacob and Leah…mentioned right alongside two of the Bible’s greatest power couples. Could it be that Jacob had grown to care for the wife of his youth? I surely would like to believe so. Symbolically speaking at the very least, Leah was to finally be by her husband’s side forever. Not the beautiful Rachel, but humble, tender-eyed Leah was given an honor at last…she was buried among the patriarchs. Beyond this, Jesus Christ, lion of the tribe of Judah, would come into the world through the bloodline of Jacob’s and her son. In the end, Leah was exalted by God in spite of her lopsided love story.

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In conclusion…

Are you in a marriage of unrequited love? if you are, then I implore you to start ”living like Leah”…

• Say ”Reuben”: seek for your husband’s love.
• Say ”Simeon”: believe that God hears you in your distress.
• Say ”Levi”: seek for your husband’s attachment.
• Say ”Judah”: praise God no matter the circumstance.
• Say ”Gad”: consider yourself fortunate for the blessings you do have.
• Say ”Asher”: display happiness to those around you.
• Say ”Issachar”: know that God will reward you for the goodness you have dealt your husband.
• Say ”Zebulun”: seek to dwell with your husband, and remember that God will exalt you in due time.
• Say ”Dinah”: surrender your situation to God, who will judge rightly.

“For the Lord has called you, like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, even like a wife of one’s youth when she is rejected,” says your God. – Isaiah 54:6

If you live like Leah, eventually one of two things will happen:

1. You will win over your husband’s heart, or…
2. By attempting to win over your husband’s heart, you will win over God’s heart. (Maybe even both!)

In lopsided love, be a Leah. Love your husband genuinely and unendingly. Choose this as your motto:

If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me.

– W.H. Auden

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.