The Old Ball and Chain
by 
“Never, never get married, my friend! This is my advice to you. Do not marry until you have come to the conclusion that you have done all it is in your power to do, and until you have ceased to love the woman whom you have chosen, until you have seen clearly what she is; otherwise you will make a sad and irreparable mistake. When you are old and good for nothing, then get married….Otherwise, all that is good and noble in you will be thrown away.
…Don’t look at me in such amazement. If ever you have any hope of anything ahead of you, you will be made to feel at every step that, as far as you are concerned, all is at an end, all closed to you, except the drawing-room, where you will rank with court lackeys and idiots. That’s a fact!
…What I would not give at this moment if I were not married!
…Tie yourself to a woman and you are like a prisoner in chains, your whole freedom is destroyed.
…Egotism, ostentations, stupidity, meanness in every respect–such are women when they show themselves as they are. You see them in society and think they amount to something, but they are nothing, nothing, nothing! No, don’t marry, old fellow, don’t marry.”
Such were the dismal musings on marriage of Prince Andrei Bolkonsky to his bosom friend, Count Pierre Bezukhov. (These being two male protagonists in Leo Tolstoy’s crowning literary achievement, War and Peace.) For those of us who love the institution of marriage as well as our own marriages, we may feel that Prince Andrei’s words sound awfully harsh. For those of us who strive to be suitable helpers for our men, we would sooner die than hear our husbands speak of us the way Andrei spoke of his Lisa. Nonetheless, for those of us who know that virtuous wives are few and far between, we probably aren’t all that shocked that a man would regret hitching his wagon to a woman that makes him feel like a “prisoner in chains”.
Speaking of chains, many of you are probably familiar with the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“. This is an expression that used to be quite popular in the baby-boomer generation to refer to one’s wife. It’s one of those playful (yet a little bit derogatory), joking (yet a little bit serious), teasing (yet a little bit sad-but-true) ways people talk about their marriage that frankly smacks of a couple that’s a little (or maybe a “lottle“) bit out of sync with God’s will for husbands and wives. If Tolstoy’s hapless, 19th century Prince Bolkonsky had known the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“, he would have undoubtedly adopted this moniker for “The Little Princess”, Mrs. Bolkonsky. Indeed, Lisa had a lot to learn about being a help meet.
Though Prince Andrei’s soliloquy may have had a touch of the melodramatic, I can’t help but sympathize with him in his marital plight. Any man (of the 19th century, 21st century, or any century) ought to be pitied when he wakes up one day to find that his sweet young bride with a blushing smile for him has – over years of marriage – transformed into a miserable old hag with a bone to pick with him. Such a husband rightfully feels that he has been jilted. “How did the girl of my dreams become the woman of my nightmares?!“
Bolkonsky, like many a sucker before and after him, was a victim of bait-and-switch: courtesy a la femme fatale. He began his romance being pitifully captivated by Lisa, and ended up being her pitiful captive. “The Little Princess” was a charming young lady, but her loveliness was only skin-deep. It wasn’t long after she settled into married life that her true colors came out, revealing her for the shallow window-dressing that she was. When push came to shove, Lisa was neither supportive nor sympathetic as a wife, causing her poor husband to eagerly depart from their home and enter the war – without giving so much as a backward glance toward the bewildered woman he had left behind. Care to know how their story ends? Guess you’ll have to pick up a copy of War and Peace to find out, as I won’t spoil the classic tale for you!
Now, what does the rocky marriage of Prince and Princess Bolkonsky have to do with today’s article?
I believe it would serve us well to consider how we Damsels can be better help meets to our husbands than the fictional Princess Lisa was to hers, lest our husbands grow bitter like Prince Andrei and come to view their wives and marriages with regretful disdain. Today, we will identify three steps that are sure to make a sweet young bride slowly morph into a miserable old hag. If we can avoid stumbling over these roadblocks, then we can avoid devolving into our husband’s worst nightmare: The Old Ball and Chain.
Wives, beware! The first step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…
“Why isn’t my husband being the godly and masculine leader I desire for him to be?”
“Why isn’t he exercising more self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions?”
“Why doesn’t he step up and do more cleaning and tidying around the house?”
“Why can’t he be a more romantic and spontaneous husband?”
“Why can’t he be a more present and attentive father?”
Internal questions such as these are symptoms of a critical brain. When we allow ourselves to focus on our husband’s shortcomings (whether these are real or perceived), our love for him is sorely diminished. Why?
[Love] does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:5b-7a
A woman with a critical brain is the antithesis to this passage. She takes every wrong into account. She has a twisted pleasure in faultfinding. She neglects to notice the praiseworthy in her man. She is unwilling to bear with her husband. She is unwilling to believe in her husband. She is unwilling to hope in her husband. She is unwilling to endure her husband. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.
When we consider our husbands to be: not godly enough, not masculine enough, not self-controlled enough, not clean and tidy enough, not present enough, not attentive enough, not romantic enough, not spontaneous enough, etc., we are rewiring our brains to see our men in a distinctly negative light: they are not enough. When we see another person as not enough, our natural tendency is to consider ourselves as above and beyond their caliber. (Cue the underlying, subconscious belief: “While he is not enough, I however, am the perfect picture of godliness, self-control, cleanliness, and so forth”) When we consider ourselves to be above and beyond another person, it makes it nigh to impossible – almost laughably ludicrous – to place ourselves under them with submission and reverence. This presents a dilemma: we as wives are commanded to submit to and revere our husbands. So what’s a girl to do? Unfortunately, most women will much sooner lay aside God’s word than lay aside their criticism of their husbands. Such women harden their hearts, excuse themselves from obedience to scripture, utterly ignore their roles as women (while ironically expecting their husbands to fulfill their roles as men), continue their cycle of seeking and finding faults, and move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.
Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a critical brain.
Wives, beware! The second step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…
“I am sick and tired of my husband not being the godly and masculine leader he ought to be!”
“I am sick and tired of him not exercising self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions!”
“He never so much as lifts a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”
“He is pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”
“He is never present with the kids nor pays them any attention!”
Internal complaints such as these are symptoms of a cross heart. Notice the progression from our last point. We may start out with seemingly harmless questions about our husbands’ behaviors, but if we let such questions dominate our minds, the former questions of our brain become the current complaints of our heart. We become angry and bitter = cross. And our love for our husband is diminished further. Why?
Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous… – 1 Corinthians 13:4a
A woman with a cross heart is the antithesis to this passage. She is impatient with her husband, expecting him to master areas of growth and maturity on her timetable. She is unkind in her assessment of him, choosing to view him as a flawed man with a few virtues that don’t amount to much, rather than a virtuous man with a few flaws that don’t amount to much. She is jealous of him, thinking that she is the one who puts forth all the effort, and that he has it pretty easy compared to her. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.
An important truth in life is this: What you focus on grows. If you stare into a mirror every day and think to yourself how much you loathe your big nose, pretty soon that undesirable feature will be all you’re able to see when you gaze at your reflection. On the flip side, if you stare into a mirror every day and admire your beautiful eyes, pretty soon that attractive feature will be what seems prominent to you. Shifting our focus from negative features to positive ones can have great results when it comes to building self-esteem, and the same is true for building husband-esteem. What you focus on about your husband grows! If you dwell on what is undesirable about his spiritual walk with the Lord, or his role as head of the home, or his habits of cleanliness, or his performance as a husband or father, guess what? Pretty soon that is all you will be able to see. Never mind his good qualities! After all, if you don’t see them, does he really have any? (I’m being facetious, of course) The more we focus on what we find as undesirable and unlovable in our men, the less we will be able to discern what is desirable and lovable in them. We allow old wounds to fester, warm hearts to grow cold, and we move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.
Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cross heart.
Wives, beware! The third and final step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…
“I am sick and tired of you not being the godly and masculine leader you ought to be!”
“I am sick and tired of you not exercising self-control over your thoughts, words, and actions!”
“You never so much as lift a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”
“You are pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”
“You are never present with the kids nor pay them any attention!”
External cut-downs such as these are symptoms of a cruel mouth. Again, notice the progression from our last point. The questions that burden our brains, and the complaints that poison our hearts, soon become the cut-downs that spew from our mouths. Our love for our husband is diminished considerably. Why?
Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked… 1 Corinthians 13:4b-5a
A woman with a cruel mouth is the antithesis to this passage. She brags arrogantly of her (self-proclaimed) superiority over her husband – in matters spiritual, emotional, or physical. She acts unbecomingly as she insults and berates him in private or public settings, to his face or behind his back. She seeks her own, foolishly believing that her negative words will produce the positive effect in him that she desires (spoiler alert: this never happens. Men – by God’s design – will not be conquered by a woman’s show of force. A man is won over by chaste and respectful behavior. A soft, feminine lady will always hold more sway over her husband than a hard, feminist shrew.) She is easily provoked and lashes out at her husband when she feels he is not measuring up. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.
If your goal is to have your husband rue the day he took you as his wife, the best way to do it is to cut him down. A husband hates nothing so much as that which removes his manhood and puts him in the rank of “court lackeys and idiots”, as Prince Andrei so eloquently put it. For a man, maintaining his self-respect and the respect of others is paramount. Women know this instinctively, which is why we are so often tempted to spew words that “go for the jugular”. If we can hit a home run in the insult department, it will wake our husband up and make him want to kowtow to our wishes, right? Wrong! All men – good men and bad men alike – share one thing in common: they will remove anything from their path that diminishes their sense of masculine dignity. Sometimes this means a drastic measure, such as divorce…but for your average Joe who loves his wife (even if she’s a regular nightmare to live with), he will probably take a less final approach – he will simply distance himself from her and her abusive speech. Of course, the more he distances himself, the more critical and cross she gets. The more critical and cross she gets, the more cruel she gets. The more cruel she gets, the more he distances himself from her presence. Around and around they go, and pretty soon he hates her and she hates him, and the marriage is a wreck. All because she allowed herself to move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.
Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cruel mouth.
In conclusion…
How does a sweet young bride morph into a miserable old hag? One step at a time. First, she gives place to a critical brain. She is full of questions. Then, she gives place to a cross heart. She is full of complaints. Finally, she gives place to a cruel mouth. She is full of cut-downs. As she follows this vicious cycle over the years, her love for her man dwindles away to nothing. One day her husband wakes up to find that the girl of his dreams became the woman of his nightmares. This is what happened to Lisa Bolkonsky. This is what made her husband, Andrei Bolkonsky, say: “Never, never get married my friend!” Don’t let it happen to you. Stay soft, stay forgiving, stay loving. Love of a man is what keeps a woman from becoming The Old Ball and Chain. Be a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of wife, and watch your marriage flourish. Of this you can be sure:
Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:8a
For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks
Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.
