Destress the Damsel

Father Knows Best

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“It’s just like a TV remote control,

Except that it works on fathers.

You just push the thing that you want him to do

And he does it – without any bother.

You want him to dance? Push number five.

You want him to sing? Push seven.

You want him to raise your allowance a bit?

You simply push eleven.

You want him quiet? Just hit Mute.

Fourteen will make him cough.

You want him to stop picking on you?

Yelling and telling you what not to do?

And stop bossing you for an hour or two?

Just push Power – Off.”

– Remote-A-Dad by Shel Silverstein

Can you imagine if this device were truly on the market? Every child in town would be racing to the store, cash in tow to get his hands on one! What joy to be free of rules and regulations!

Of course we know that this kind of power in the hands of a child would be detrimental. Children lack the maturity to make their own way; they need continual guidance as they grow and learn how to make the right choices according to God’s plan.

The whole purpose of parenting is this – to train our children up to a point of thriving on their own! By the time they “fly the coop”, we want to know that our kids can handle life with wisdom and understanding. Yet how can we get from Point A to Point B? How can we train our children up to be men and women of God?

If we are going to successfully train our children up to spiritual maturity, we must above all teach them how to honor their fathers. I am convinced that a father holds the most valuable role in a child’s life – he is to his child the very picture of God Himself. If a child can not learn to honor his father, he will almost inevitably have no honor for The Lord when he is grown. That is why we as mothers must place the utmost priority upon our children’s respect for their Daddy.

Today I want to present five steps of child training that will encourage your children to honor their father. These methods are intended to push children towards the ultimate goal – honoring The Lord.

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1. Teach your child to…

Honor his father’s title.

How can we honor God unless we acknowledge Him for Who He is?

And this is life eternal, that they might know thee the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent. – John 17:3

We can not expect our children to honor their dad unless it is established in the home that Dad is boss.

Children must be trained to understand and acknowledge their father’s position in the home as well as their own. Help your child to recognize the God-ordained order of the family. (The Lord, Husband/Father, Wife/Mother, Children) This will take efforts from you, Mom! Don’t talk it if you won’t walk it. Model humble submission to your husband daily. Hypocritically telling your kids to obey and honor Father while you disobey and dishonor him will do little but build resentment and confusion in their young minds.

Do your best to help your kids see obedience as a blessing, and not a curse. Our goal is to get them to a point where they want to do right – out of their own desires and not by force.

Every child should be taught this passage from an early age –

Children, obey your parents in the Lord: for this is right. Honour thy father and mother; (which is the first commandment with promise;) That it may be well with thee, and thou mayest live long on the earth. – Ephesians 6:1-3

Children should know that honor is beneficial all around – it makes their life easier, it makes yours easier, and best of all it glorifies God. Of course on the flip side, dishonor brings about nothing but trouble.

A foolish son is a grief to his father, and bitterness to her that bare him. – Proverbs 17:25

Whoso curseth his father or his mother, his lamp shall be put out in obscure darkness. – Proverbs 20:20

A wise son maketh a glad father: but a foolish man despiseth his mother. – Proverbs 15:20

Honor or dishonor is a matter of life or death. Train them to honor their Daddy’s title now, so that they will honor God’s as an adult.

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2. Teach your child to…

Honor his father’s timing.

How can we honor God unless we obey Him on His schedule?

Ye did run well; who did hinder you that ye should not obey the truth? – Galatians 5:7

Our children must learn to obey Dad with haste, even when it’s not convenient or desirable.

In our house we strongly discourage the use of the term “just a minute”. Barring the occasional valid reason to say this (the child is in the shower, using the restroom, or being trapped in a corner by a herd of water buffalo…) this term is usually disrespectful. By saying “just a minute” your child is placing undue authority in his own hands: (he will come, but when he’s ready). This is not the way we respond to the Lord, and we ought to train our children to submit right away when Dad has called them or commissioned a task.

Every child ought to be in the habit of obeying on Dad’s terms instead of their own. This will set them up for absolute submission to God’s authority as an adult. There are many adults who shamefully approach christianity with a “not your will, but mine” attitude. They pervert God’s will by dismissing it, adding to it, or taking away from it. Any such person can not inherit God’s kingdom, for we can only make it there on His terms! Do you suppose that people who only obey God on their own time or by their own standard never learned to obey their father as a child? If you love your son/daughter, set him or her on a path of salvation through prompt obedience to their dad.

Hear, ye children, the instruction of a father, and attend to know understanding. – Proverbs 4:1

My son, hear the instruction of thy father, and forsake not the law of thy mother. – Proverbs 1:8

Hearken unto thy father that begat thee, and despise not thy mother when she is old. – Proverbs 23:22

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3. Teach your child to…

Honor his father’s tools.

How can we honor God unless we place a significance on that which belongs to Him?

The silver is mine, and the gold is mine, saith the Lord of hosts. – Haggai 2:8

Will a man rob God? Yet ye have robbed me. But ye say, Wherein have we robbed thee? In tithes and offerings. – Malachi 3:8

We must train our children to have respect for Dad’s property, differentiating their belongings from his.

Every family is going to be different as far as boundaries, but whatever restrictions Dad has placed on what can and can not be handled must be heeded. Maybe it’s Dad’s office that is allowed by invite only. Maybe it’s an item that he has advised is not for kids. Whatever the case may be, children need to learn to respect the difference between what is Dad’s, and what is theirs. Children who are unrestrained and in a habit of handling things that don’t belong to them might someday find themselves in a sore predicament with the law, and furthermore God!

Teach your child reasonable boundaries. Lack of self control with other’s belongings can be breeding grounds for covetousness, property damage, and theft. Subdue those cute little fingers now, so they won’t be apt to do harm later.

Whoso robbeth his father or his mother, and saith, It is no transgression; the same is the companion of a destroyer. – Proverbs 28:24

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4. Teach your child to…

Honor his father’s taste.

How can we honor God unless we seek to love what He loves?

And he that sent me is with me: the Father hath not left me alone; for I do always those things that please him. – John 8:29

Our children must learn self-sacrifice by being a servant to their dad.

Cultivate a heart of cheerful service in your sons and daughters by having them practice on their Daddy! Point out things that make their father happy, and encourage them to do it! Daddy likes a certain dessert? Help them make it! Daddy prefers a certain movie for family night? Encourage them to choose that movie. Daddy is needing some peace and quiet? Train them to look for calm activities at that time.

Encourage your sons to walk in Dad’s shoes. It sets them up for a future of imitating God! Encourage your daughters to be Dad’s cheerful little servant. It will set them up to be a submissive wife one day – a virtuous woman of God!

For I have not spoken of myself; but the Father which sent me, he gave me a commandment, what I should say, and what I should speak. – John 12:49

Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect. – Matthew 5:48

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5. Teach your child to…

Honor his father’s techniques.

How can we honor God unless we endure his discipline with patience?

For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; even as a father the son in whom he delighteth. – Proverbs 3:12

We must train our children to see the importance of their father’s administration of godly discipline.

Nobody that I know of enjoys punishment. It’s not supposed to be fun! It’s meant for instruction, betterment, and reflection. Our goal is not to be unreasonable with our children, but if we truly love them we will not let them rebel without consequence. The loving approach is neither abuse nor permissiveness. Rather there must be a balance. We must be firm with our children, while maintaining a controlled and tender demeanor…always with love and the child’s best interests in mind.

When your child is undergoing or has undergone discipline by their father, we mothers must never coddle. Our kids must know that Dad and Mom are on the same page, and that the punishment was needed (not that Dad is a big, mean, bad guy from which to seek refuge).

Don’t let any punishment go without godly training! This is important so as not to destroy the very purpose. Always help your child to understand how they have dishonored GOD by misbehavior, so their hearts will be moved and not resentful. Help them to see how they can handle things differently in the future!

Train your young one to have a healthy respect for discipline while he is small. This way when he is an adult, God’s discipline will humble him and not turn him bitter and rebellious.

A wise son heareth his father’s instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke. – Proverbs 13:1

A fool despiseth his father’s instruction: but he that regardeth reproof is prudent. – Proverbs 15:5

Furthermore we have had fathers of our flesh which corrected us, and we gave them reverence: shall we not much rather be in subjection unto the Father of spirits, and live? – Hebrews 12:9

Bottom line: How you train your little man or little woman now can help set them on a path for christian adulthood, or it can do just the opposite. Mothers, take your job seriously! Parenting can be exhausting, but it is also a joyful blessing that has great rewards.

  • Love your child as God loves you.
  • Be firm, but merciful.
  • Praise more than you scold.
  • Point out your child’s unique talents and teach him/her to use them for God’s purposes.
  • Turn everything back to God.
  • Don’t neglect to spend time together in God’s word.
  • Practice what you preach.
  • Be kind, be lovely, be there!
  • Teach your child to honor his father’s title, timing, tools, taste, and techniques.
  • Train him to love righteousness, and you will have no greater joy.

The father of the righteous shall greatly rejoice: and he that begetteth a wise child shall have joy of him. – Proverbs 23:24

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God bless, and take a chill pill!
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

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Betty Botter bought a bit of butter;

But, she said, this butter’s bitter!

If I put it in my batter

It will make my batter bitter

But a bit of better butter

Will but make my batter better.”

so she bought a bit of butter

Better than her bitter butter,

Made her bitter batter better.

So twas better Betty Botter

Bought a bit of better butter.

– Carolyn Wells

Who remembers this impossible tongue twister? I remember thinking Peter Piper was difficult to recite as a child, as well as the infamous “Sally Sells Seashells by the Seashore”, but I do believe this little poem puts all other tongue twisters to shame! I won’t ask you to say “Betty Botter” five times fast, but rather I want to point out the spiritual truth the rhyme contains: if bitter butter goes in – bitter batter comes out! In other words, if we “buy” into bitterness and allow it to reside inside of us, it most assuredly will find its way out to rear its ugly head.

Ask yourself this: how does butter get bitter? It doesn’t mysteriously become that way! No, we know that the bitterness goes all the way back to the source…a cow. Most likely the cow ate something unpalatable, which made its milk taste bitter, thus making the butter bitter also.

In the same way, a bitter attitude is not something that mysteriously comes out of us. A woman’s bitterness has a source…her heart. If we feed our hearts unpalatable thoughts and negative emotions, we are going to have a bitterness to us that results in unsavory behavior. Yet if we are wise like Betty Botter, we will buy into a different kind of butter…a better butter. What is this better butter?

Spiritually speaking, what Carolyn Wells describes as butter, the Bible describes as water. Water (as you well know) makes up a great percentage of us. I once heard of a young man who told his sweetheart:

“If you like water, then you already like 72% of me.”

🙂

All jokes aside, water is what we are made of – literally and figuratively! That being said, it’s no surprise that the book of James uses water to symbolize the speech that flows out of us:

Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be. Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter? Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh. -James 3:10-11

What kind of water are we made of? Some are bitter but do not recognize it. Some are bitter and only wish they knew how to snap out of it. Still some are bitter and don’t really want to change at all…because they believe it helps them to cope in life. Whatever the case, most of us at one time or another have experienced feelings of bitterness. Is being bitter all that bad? Let us take a look at the damage an embittered woman can do to herself and others, and see if this is a road we should ever travel on…

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1. If I’m bitter…

I can’t think.

Even a worldly phsychiatrist will tell you that bitterness destroys your mental health. Not only is bitterness a non-effective way to cope with problems, but it’s also counter-effective.

A bitter heart may take root for various reasons. It might even be a seemingly innocent reason, such as a response to sin. Maybe someone acts in an immoral way and we are repulsed by it. While it is true that we should be repulsed by sin, we must ask ourselves this: does our repulsion cause us to act in love and try to find a way to help the other person improve their behavior? Or does the repulsion merely serve as a blanket for our own self-righteous hatred towards another (ultimately giving ourselves an excuse to stew and act like a child)?

Bitterness is all about our perspective. Everyone has negative things happen in their life, yet some choose to get bitter and some do not. As much as we don’t want to believe it, we truly have a choice in how we react to each and every situation. To overcome bitterness, we must re-wire our brains to respond to events differently than we are accustomed to.

There is a chart that psychiatrists commonly use to help mental health patients overcome their poor coping skills. It looks something like this:

  • Option 1:         
  • Negative Event (a)
  • Irrational Belief (b)
  • Unhealthy Emotion (c)
  • Option 2:
  • Negative Event (a)
  • Rational Belief (b)
  • Healthy Emotion (c)

Take note that on both sides of the chart, there is a negative event taking place. Yet the belief and emotion following the event may differ. It is a common misconception that our emotions build up prior to thoughts and/or beliefs. Many women believe that they can hardly control their reaction to negative events, because their emotions will dictate how they will respond. This is an inaccurate and dangerous perspective. We must be aware that our thoughts create our emotions. If we can learn to change our thought patterns, our emotions will be conquered.

See how this applies in a real life negative event:

Perhaps your husband comes home from work in a sour mood and begins snapping at you for no apparent reason.

You can choose Option 1:

Think of how rude and unappreciative he is, get angry, and give him the silent treatment for the remainder of the evening, (all the while thinking of how righteous you are and what a horrible person he is)…

Or you can choose Option 2:

Realize he probably had a rough day at work, feel compassion for him, try to make him as comfortable as possible, and give him some time to relax.

Did the original event change? No, the event did not change, but your attitude did. If we approach negative events with negative thoughts, we will feel negative emotions and exhibit negative behavior. On the flip side, if we approach negative events with positive thoughts, we will feel positive emotions and exhibit positive behavior.

He that believeth on me, as the scripture hath said, out of his belly shall flow rivers of living water. – John 7:38

(The belly symbolizes our emotions and affections. This passage is saying that if you truly love God, your emotions and affections will be regenerated, thus causing your attitude to be subdued and the water you send forth to be sweet.)

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2. If I’m bitter…

we can’t link.

Bitterness will do more than destroy your mental health – it will set you at odds against other members in Christ’s church. The longer one dwells in a state of bitterness, the more fault they find in others. They say misery loves company, and I believe that the more bitterness and hatred a spirit contains, the more it despises those who have joy. The bitter person simply can’t believe that anyone with struggles could be so happy, and so they tell themselves that others must have life handed to them on a silver platter. Jealousy takes hold on the heart, and the seeds of strife have begun.

Consider this picture in Judges 7:1-8:

In this chapter, Gideon is preparing his army to fight against the Midianites. The Lord commanded Gideon to thin out his army, for He did not want the Israelites to glory in their own strength, but to trust only in Him. He gives Gideon two methods to weed out the 32,000 (at minimum) recruited for war. The first command, to send home “whoever is afraid and trembling”, which came to a whopping 22,000 men. Now Gideon is left with 10,000 soldiers. Still, the army is too large in the sight of The Lord, so Gideon is offered a second method. This method seems odd…”bring the people down to the water and have them drink. Separate the men who lap the water out of their hands from the ones who bend upon their knees to drink.” The number of those who lapped the water from their hands was 300, while all the rest bent upon their knees and drank from the water. The Lord proclaims that the Israelites will be saved from the Midianites by the 300 who “lapped from their hands”. The others were sent away.

What does this unusual story have to do with our ability to link with our brothers and sisters in Christ? Keeping in mind that water is that which we are a fountain of (whether it be bitter or sweet) I would like to propose this: the men who lapped the water from their hands represent those who strive to keep their “water” (thoughts, emotions, and behavior) under control. The men who bent down and drank represent one who’s water is out of control and all over the place.

God’s message here is: SHAPE UP OR SHIP OUT. If you are in a spirit of bitterness, you can not/will not properly fill your role in the church. Don’t let your water get “out of hand” – keep a hold on it.

The beginning of strife is as when one letteth out water: therefore leave off contention, before it be meddled with. – Proverbs 17:14

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3. If I’m bitter…

they can’t drink.

Remember, human hearts are “fountains of water” that send forth either bitter or sweet water. (This is an either/or scenario) When we let bitterness seep into our hearts, we often fool ourselves into thinking that we are only contaminated a wee bit. Perhaps we explain the sin away by blaming our thoughts/behavior on someone else or an event that took place in our lives… or maybe we call our bitterness by a different name entirely. The fact is, if you and I have bitterness within us, we have become contaminated.

Consider this hard truth. We all know what toxic water does, right? It kills. Toxic water kills fish. Remember Matthew 4:19 and Mark 1:17? If we are to follow Jesus, we are called to be fishers of men. How can we fulfill this calling if we’re killing the very fish we are meant to catch? Consider Revelation 8:11…many men died in the “wormwood waters” – why? Because the water there was made bitter.

Be assured that if you let bitter water flow out of you, it will kill fish (ie: the lost) one way or another. We will either turn people away from the Lord and his church by our bad attitudes, or we will influence them to join with us so they can become as unhappy and hardened as we are! Either way, we have foiled God’s plan.

We might like to believe that “under the right circumstances” our hearts would be better, and do better. We must be honest with ourselves – if what it takes to get us on the right track is a different set of circumstances, then what we are looking for is a change of pace, not a change of heart! True christianity is “learning to dance in the rain”, as it were. A christian woman will decidedly be righteous in thought and behavior in times of rain as well as sunshine. She will determine, no matter what to “bring into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ”. (2 Corinthians 10:5)

If you believe that a change in circumstance is what you need to finally let go of the bitterness inside you, consider this:

Water left to a change of circumstance does change, but not for the better. I’m sure most of you are familiar with the term osmosis. Osmosis is the natural tendency of water with a low concentration of solutes to travel through a semi-permeable membrane to an area of water with a higher concentration of solutes. Layman’s terms: water will inevitably become more contaminated over a period of time, not less.

What’s a girl to do? If water tends to get more contaminated over time, what hope is there for us to ever rid ourselves of bitterness?

Take heart, for God has an amazing plan by which we can become purified. Can anyone guess what it’s called?

Reverse Osmosis!

This process couldn’t be more accurately named, for Reverse Osmosis is just what it sounds like – to send contaminated water backwards. How does it work? Reverse Osmosis technology removes small particles from water by forcing it through a filter…a membrane. The necessary tools here are some water, a filter, and a whole lot of pressure. As water is forced out through a membrane, holes in the membrane become smaller and smaller. Eventually, the holes become so small that the only particles that can travel through are water…leaving the contaminated particles trapped on the other side of the membrane/filter.

How fitting this is for us in a spiritual sense! We like to think that to overcome bitterness, plain old osmosis will do the trick. We think “perhaps I will outgrow my bitterness, or maybe if I’m fortunate my life circumstances will improve so that I don’t have to be so unhappy”. Yet this is just the opposite of God’s plan for us.

Just like in the world of science, our bitter water will not naturally flow into a place of sweetness – it has to be forcibly turned around in its very tracks. Sisters, how can we rid ourselves of bitterness unless we welcome the pressure process that serves to make us better? Do we not see that pressure serves to remove bitterness, and push us closer and closer to the living membrane which is Jesus Christ? If we will have it God’s way, negative events in our life can and will push and prod us to Jesus, not away from him as it is with worldly women. Be forewarned, we are in for a bumpy ride. The more pressure used in reverse osmosis, the greater the results. Yet ultimately that’s what we’re after, is it not?

Do not be deceived, water that is contaminated even a small amount is unsafe for anyone to ingest. Bitter water is harmful to you and me as individuals, to the church as a whole, and to the lost. The only way to drink contaminated water is to eliminate the contaminates completely!

Let us remember to always be a Betty Botter. It’s time to search our hearts (and throw out the bitter so we can buy into the better)!

As in water face answereth to face, so the heart of man to man. – Proverbs 27:19

God bless, and take a chill pill!
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.