Visions of you still dance in my head
I remember all the things you said

You said you’d never let me down
But there lies my heart on the ground

Broken in pieces unable to fix
I knew loving you would be a risk

But I went ahead and took the chance
Thinking somehow we’d finish the dance

Through the years that laid ahead
But you loved somebody else instead

So please go and be with him
I know our future is very dim

I hope you’ll be happy the rest of your life
Does he know he’s getting a cheating wife?

– “A Cheating Wife” by Ray Hansell

Any man who has been the victim of an adulterous woman can surely relate to the heartache portrayed in this simple, yet evocative, poem. Being betrayed by a faithless spouse is arguably the most painful blow one can be dealt. A haunted memory, a broken trust, a shattered heart, a poignant regret, and a lingering bitterness…these are the sorry companions of a husband whose wife has been swept away in an affair.

An “affair“: this is what we call it when people engage in sex acts while one or more parties are bound to another by a marriage covenant. I don’t know about you, but to me, “having an affair” sounds just a bit too light and breezy for the gravity of the topic. I mean, are we talking about going on a vacation to the Bahamas? It’s such a watered-down, harmless-sounding term for one despicable sin: committing adultery.

In today’s article, we’re not talking about a light and breezy topic such as going on a vacation to the Bahamas, but rather, we’re talking about that treacherous act of committing adultery: A Sordid Affair.

The word sordid can be defined as something that is “morally ignoble or base; vile; meanly selfish, self-seeking, or mercenary; dirty or filthy; squalid, wretchedly poor and run-down; degraded; shameful”, and these are indeed appropriate ways to label adultery, decidedly the most heinous of all marital crimes.

At Destress the Damsel, one of our primary aims is “to be pure“. (Titus 2:5) Purity is often seen as solely a “single girl” topic, but interestingly enough, in Titus 2 it is not single girls, but wives that are called to purity. Marriage is not the end of a girl’s purity, but rather, the continuation thereof – for sex within the bounds of marriage is pure! As wives, we must safeguard this purity by honoring our wedding vows and fleeing from extramarital temptation. Lest your husband ever become the sad possessor of “a cheating wife”, like the man in the poem above, I want you to consider 3 sobering components of A Sordid Affair.

#1: Beware, for the act of adultery begins with…

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A fanciful daydream. A longing glance. A coveted smile. A flirtatious remark. A meaningful touch. A destroyed message. A convincing lie. A racing heart. A secret rendezvous. A gnawing shame.
All things that are hidden. All trademark elements of A Sordid Hideaway.

Adulterers are (with little variance) sneaks. Only the most villainous of philanderers reveal their infidelities to the world. While there may be a select few truly amoral individuals who wear their extramarital affairs like a badge of honor, the typical person caught up in adultery keeps their sin close to the vest. Some are ashamed of their adultery, knowing their guilt before the Lord. Some are grieved by their adultery, fearful of breaking their spouse’s heart. Some are quite comfortable in their adultery, but wish only to avoid the consequences of being caught. Whatever the case, almost all adulterous relationships are fostered in secret. (Unfortunately, this forbidden fruit aspect only adds to the sex appeal.) One may successfully keep A Sordid Hideaway secret from spouse, family, congregation, friends, coworkers, and all the world, but if they think they can keep it hidden from God, they sorely underestimate the Hide-and-Seek-Champion:

Woe to those who deeply hide their plans from the Lord, and whose deeds are done in a dark place, and they say, “who sees us?” or “who knows us?” – Isaiah 29:15

Can a person hide himself in hiding places so that I do not see him?” declares the Lord. “Do I not fill the heavens and the earth?” declares the Lord. – Jeremiah 23:24

…There is no creature hidden from His sight, but all things are open and laid bare to the eyes of Him with whom we have to do. – Hebrews 4:13

Do not be so foolish as to think that the Lord does not see every impure daydream, every impure glance, and every impure touch. He sees every single act of betrayal towards one’s spouse. Unless “a cheating wife” repent, justice will be served, leaving A Sordid Hideaway a public place of shame exposed before all.

…There is nothing covered up that will not be revealed, and hidden that will not be known. Accordingly, whatever you have said in the dark shall be heard in the light, and what you have whispered in the inner rooms shall be proclaimed upon the housetops. – Luke 12:2-3

Have you been part of A Sordid Hideaway? Have you, as a married woman, nurtured romantic thoughts toward a man other than your husband? Or have you, as a single woman, nurtured romantic thoughts toward a man who is another woman’s husband? Have you shared secret glances, smiles, remarks, or touches that should only have been shared between spouses? Have you sent or received messages that were unbecoming of a married woman or to a married man? Have you lied to your husband about your feelings, intentions, or whereabouts? Has your heartbeat elevated over a man that is off-limits to you? Have you met with a man in private? Have you squashed down your shame when it reminded you of your vows, or his? These are deep waters no damsel should ever tread in…they can only lead to A Sordid Affair.

#2: Beware, for the act of adultery continues with…

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Your husband’s kisses. Your husband’s embraces. Your husband’s sex. Your husband’s wants. Your husband’s needs. Your husband’s privacy. Your husband’s self-respect. Your husband’s love. Your husband’s lover. Your husband’s wife.
All things that are given. All trademark elements of A Sordid Giveaway.

Giving, generally speaking, is a wonderful thing. The Bible says that “God loves a cheerful giver“, and that “it is more blessed to give than to receive“. But is it ever wrong to give someone a gift? Sure it is – when you are giving not of your own means, but from goods you stole off of someone else! A thief who gives away their plunder knows nothing of true generosity, for they are giving what is not theirs to give. Do you see where I’m going with this? An adulterer and a thief have a lot in common…they “give” stolen goods. The married adulteress takes what rightfully belongs to her man, and “gives” it to another. Similarly, the single adulteress takes what rightfully belongs to another man’s wife, and “gives” it to herself. Whatever the case, such a woman robs a spouse of their most precious valuables, and frivolously gives them away to someone who has no right to receive such gifts. Is he married? His body belongs to his wife. Are you married? Your body belongs to your husband. When a married woman “gives” herself to another man, or when a married man “gives” himself to another woman, this is nothing short of theft. We are not our own.

The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. – 1 Corinthians 7:4

For the married woman is bound by law to her husband while he is living; but if her husband dies, she is released from the law concerning the husband. So then, if while her husband is living, she is joined to another man, she shall be called an adulteress; but if her husband dies, she is free from the law, so that she is not an adulteress, though she is joined to another man. – Romans 7:2-3

Do not give what is holy [set apart] to dogs, and do not throw your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces. – Matthew 7:6 (clarification added)

Lest you think my comparison of adultery and theft is a bit of a stretch, consider that our Lord couples the sin of adultery with the sin of murder…

Thus I shall judge you, like women who commit adultery or shed blood are judged; and I shall bring on you the blood of wrath and jealousy. – Ezekiel 16:38

Have you been part of A Sordid Giveaway? Have you, as a married woman, kissed, embraced, or had sex with a man other than your husband? Or have you, as a single woman, kissed, embraced, or had sex with a man who is another woman’s husband? Have you disregarded your husband’s wants and needs, or the wants and needs of another man’s wife? Have you stripped away the privacy of marriage and exposed what should have been exclusive between spouses? Have you shattered a spouse’s self-respect? Have you given away your husband’s love, lover, and wife? Or have you taken another woman’s love, lover, and husband? These are deep waters no damsel should ever tread in…they can only lead to A Sordid Affair.

#3: Beware, for the act of adultery ends with…

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An irreproachable reputation. An unwavering trust. An unbreakable vow. An untainted marriage. An intact family. A sensitive conscience. A healthy reproductive system. An innocent recollection. A desired relationship. A secure salvation.
All things that are taken. All trademark elements of A Sordid Takeaway.

Adulterers are losers. (I don’t mean that in the derogatory sense of the word, though any victim of adultery would likely agree with me if I did, and could you blame them?) By “losers”, I mean to say that those individuals who play with fire (by way of adultery) stand to lose everything they hold dear. When the sin of an adulteress is found out, her once irreproachable reputation will be tarnished forever…for even if she be forgiven, people will never fully forget what she did. There will no longer be an unwavering trust between her and her husband…for in the back of his mind, he will always wonder if she’s being unfaithful to him. Her once unbreakable vows will be rendered null and void, allowing her husband the scriptural right to file for divorce…for she broke covenant with him. If her husband decides to stay with her, their formerly untainted marriage will always bear an ugly stain…for she defiled their marital union. If her husband decides to leave her, their children will suffer immeasurably for it…for they will be part of a broken family. Her once sensitive conscience will be dulled toward sin…for she seared it by her devious actions. The health of her reproductive system (and her husband’s) will be greatly compromised…for she introduced the risk of sexually transmitted disease to their marriage bed. Her innocent life memories will be bitter in hindsight…for her recollections will forever include her time spent in adultery. If she chooses to repent, she will lose a desired relationship…for she must say goodbye to her lover. If she chooses never to repent, she will lose her salvation…for she must say goodbye to her Lord. What A (truly) Sordid Affair!

She does not ponder the path of life; her ways are unstable, she does not know it. – Proverbs 5:6

Do you not know that the unrighteous shall not inherit the Kingdom of God? Do not be deceived; neither fornicators, nor adulterers, shall inherit the kingdom of God. – Excerpt from 1 Corinthians 6:9-10

I gave her time to repent, and she does not want to repent of her immorality. Behold, I will cast her upon a bed of sickness, and those who commit adultery with her into great tribulation, unless they repent of her deeds. – Revelation 2:21-22

Have you been part of A Sordid Takeaway? Have you suffered great personal loss as a consequence of committing adultery? Don’t let your pain be in vain. Rather, let the Lord’s chastisement fulfill its intended purpose – bringing you to repentance. Turn away from your sin today, so that you do not end up losing the most important thing of all: your eternal hope in Christ Jesus. The time is now to step out of those deep, dark waters that no damsel should ever tread in…the waters that can only lead to A Sordid Affair.

…Let her put away her harlotry from her face and her adultery from between her breasts, or I will strip her naked and expose her as on the day she was born. I will also make her like a wilderness, make her like desert land and slay her with thirst. Also, I will have no compassion on her children, because they are children of harlotry. For their mother has played the harlot; she who conceived them has acted shamefully. For she said, “I will go after my lovers, who give me my bread and my water, my wool and my flax, my oil and my drink.” Therefore, behold, I will hedge up her way with thorns, and I will build a wall against her so that she cannot find her paths. She will pursue her lovers, but she will not overtake them; and she will seek them, but will not find them. – Hosea 2:2a-7a

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In conclusion…

These have been the 3 sobering components of A Sordid Affair.

A “cheating wife” is made by: 1.) A Sordid Hideaway, 2.) A Sordid Giveaway, and 3.) A Sordid Takeaway.

Today’s article covered one very grave topic, but hey – I warned you it wouldn’t be a trip to the Bahamas! Thank you to everyone who stayed to the end of this important study, and I hope you will be sure and check out my other articles. There is a widespread blend of serious topics as well as more lighthearted content. May each one of you hold your marriage in the highest esteem, flee extramarital temptation, and stay faithful to your husband all the days of your life. No more hiding, no more giving, no more taking.

Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge. – Hebrews 13:4

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

A lady had a circle of friends for whom she really wanted to buy Christmas presents. Time slipped away and it was so busy at work for her she just wasn’t able to get to the store to purchase those gifts. Time was running out. So not too many days before Christmas she decided to give up on the gift idea and just buy everybody the same beautiful Christmas card. She went to the local gift store and hurriedly went through the now picked over stack of cards and found a box of fifty, just exactly what she wanted. She didn’t take time to read the message, she just noticed a beautiful cover on it and there was gold around it and a floral appearance on the front of the card and she thought, That’s perfect. So she signed all of them, “With all my love.” As New Year’s came and she had time to go back to two or three cards she didn’t send from that stack, she was shocked to read the message inside. It said, in a little rhyme, “This Christmas card is just to say, a little gift is on its way.”

– From Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations & Quotes by Charles R. Swindoll

Oops! This lady’s Christmas shopping “shortcut” – like most shortcuts – didn’t end up saving her any time in the long run, but only prolonged the inevitable: she was now beholden to purchase gifts for her friends. (A spiritual connection could be drawn from this tale also, concerning the need to look beyond outward appearance and focus on the message within, but that truth extends beyond the scope of today’s article.) In short, entering into the holiday season without a bit of planning can result in unnecessary frustrations.

This December, I aim to reduce some of those frustrations by presenting you with your very own 2024 Gift Giving Guide. (Now, before you get too excited, this article does not include a copy of the coveted Sears Christmas Catalog. You’ll likely have to pry one of those babies out of your neighbor’s cold, dead fingers.) Today, I bring before you 5 simple steps that I hope will guide you through your Christmas list with ease. We will use the 5 W’s to help us along. Firstly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Who am I buying for?

• What is the age of the recipient? When buying gifts, try to avoid items that are decidedly too young or too old for the person you’re giving to. If you must lean more to one end of the spectrum, err on the side of too old…at least they can grow into it (whether in physical size or emotional maturity). We humans grow up, but we don’t grow down. Therefore, a gift that is too young is virtually useless. If you missed the window on giving a present to a certain individual before they outgrew it, simply pass it along to someone else for whom it is more age appropriate. Now keep in mind, even though there is some wiggle room regarding items a person can “grow into”, gifts that are too old can have their limits as well. (i.e. Gifting a voucher for a free oil change probably won’t make your three year old grandson’s day any more than a baby doll would enthrall your sixteen year old niece. Neither extreme is desirable.) If the recipient has outgrown your gift, on it goes to someone younger. And if the recipient is unable to enjoy the item for one year or more? Save it back for a future Christmas!

• What is the gender of the recipient? In today’s sex-confused world, it’s more important than ever for Christians to draw the line between what a male is and what he does, and what a female is and what she does. One small yet significant way you can support Biblical Gender Ethics is by giving items that are in alignment with the recipient’s assigned-before-birth gender. While certain items are undoubtedly gender neutral (snacks, cash, gift cards…to name a few), there are many other items that are (whether directly or implicitly) male-oriented or female-oriented. (I am not saying that a boy can never play with a doll, or a girl can never play with a firetruck, etc. What I am saying is that we ought to be intentional in our gift giving, so that we do not blur the lines of gender for children.) Today’s boys and girls are already being raised up in a twisted culture where men are becoming more effeminate, and women are becoming more feminist. Let’s not add to the chaos. Rather, let’s seek the good old paths where our Christmas presents help to nurture strapping young lads and sweet young lasses.

• What are the interests of the recipient? No one wants their hard-earned money or time to be poured into a present that is going to be pitched at the first opportunity. Yet that is often exactly what happens if we give without truly considering the interests of the person we’re giving to! Just because something lights us up inside, does not mean it will do the same for someone else. For example, I love reading. Receiving a beautiful volume of a lovely, wholesome book would be sure to bring a smile to my face. Yet there are others who find reading to be a disdainful chore. For them, being gifted a book would feel like an entitled teenager getting socks and undergarments for Christmas. You know: “Well, uh, okay…I guess it’s the thought that counts.” Give with an eye towards pleasing the one you are gifting to, rather than yourself. While it can be great fun to give, we should always do so with regard for our recipient’s unique hobbies and interests, rather than our own.

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! – Matthew 7:11

Secondly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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What am I buying?

• One type of gift to give is the keepsake. This is the sort of gift the recipient can use more than once. Examples include small items such as books and journals, movies and video games, clothing and accessories, or games and puzzles; and large items such as furniture, appliances, home decor, or kitchen gadgets. Knowing the interests of the person (as we talked about in our previous point) helps to ensure that our time and money is not wasted on a gift that won’t be enjoyed. Let’s face it, your family and friends don’t want to clutter their house with items that in no way suit their individual personalities and preferences. If you’re buying someone a keepsake, make sure you first know a bit about their taste and style.

• Another type of gift to give is the perishable. These sorts of gifts are typically one-time use, or at least able to be used up in a short amount of time. Cash, gift cards, and vouchers fall into this category, as do food items. Perishable items are a great option for the recipient who is a bit of a minimalist, or for the person for whom you “just don’t know what to get” – either because they appear to have everything they need, or you simply don’t know them well enough to ascertain their interests. Three things most any family can benefit from are money, food, or gasoline. Perishable items are a foolproof way to ensure your gift will be used and appreciated.

• Yet another type of gift to give is the experience. This sort of gift is somewhat of a hybrid between the keepsake and the perishable. The experience itself is perishable, but the memories made are preserved as a keepsake. Some ideas for experiences are: travel reservations, tickets to the movie theater or a sporting event, a day at the zoo or an amusement park, music lessons, a restaurant outing, or even the offer to babysit children while their parents enjoy a date night. Such presents are great options for folks who don’t want or need any more “stuff”. A gift of experience is more personalized than cash or gift cards, but won’t clutter up your recipient’s home.

Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. – 2 Corinthians 9:7

Thirdly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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When am I buying?

• Schedule your purchases according to sales. Stores typically mark their items down to bargain prices after the holidays…in January, when business is at an all-time low. Thus, January is the month of the bargain hunter…the prudent wife…the bonafide cheapskate! You can save a lot of money by making purchases outside of peak shopping seasons. However, one obvious downside of buying so far in advance is figuring out where to store your purchases. Depending on how many people you are buying for, Christmas gifts could easily begin cluttering up every corner of your house. Try to designate one specific area for presents: a large tote, a closet, a storage shed (hello there, adoring grandmothers everywhere!) Once that designated area starts bursting at the seams, you’ll know it’s time to pump the brakes on shopping. If you have such space to utilize for storage, shopping sales in advance rather than hunting for gifts last-minute will ensure you don’t break the bank for Christmas.

• Schedule your purchases according to your budget. Going into debt on account of the holidays is a sure way to squelch your Christmas spirit and set you up for financial failure in the New Year. A simple budgeting rule to follow for the holidays (and all year round, for that matter) is this: buy only what you can afford, when you can afford it. If brand-new items are out of your price range, second-hand is the way to go. There is no shame in the thrift game! Consignment shops around the USA are filled with quality, gently used items for a fraction of the price. I, for one, would never look down on a gift that was purchased second-hand, and chances are that your loved ones won’t either. A special word to mothers: know that your children will only benefit from seeing you exercise prudence. Teach little ones early to reject entitlement and to show gratitude for what Dad and Mom can provide for them. Your thriftiness will set a positive example for them to emulate with their own future spending habits. It’s an important life lesson: needs come first, and wants come second…even at Christmas.

• Schedule your purchases according to your time. Nothing does a frazzled wife and mother make, so much as being in a rush. Frantic, last-minute shopping sprees are detrimental not only to the pocketbook, but to your emotional well-being. You can save yourself a world of stress if you’ll only plan for the holidays before December rolls around. Gather little items here and there while you’re already out and about. Work on handmade projects during your free moments. Jot down gift ideas whenever inspiration comes to you. These are all small ways that you can avoid the panic induced mad-dash after Thanksgiving. Cultivate a spirit of generosity all throughout the year, so that you’re always on the lookout for little ways to bless others. This will level up more than just your Christmas shopping – it will elevate you as an individual when “The Christmas Spirit” is simply a part of your mindset each and every day.

Do not withhold good from whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. – Proverbs 3:27

Fourthly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Where am I buying?

• Support godly businesses. Whenever possible, use your money to vote “yes” for Christian values. We ought to back businesses that proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord, and steer clear of businesses ran by enemies of the cross. (For example, organizations that openly promote the LGBTQ+ agenda, etc.) Realistically, we can’t boycott every business led by ungodly individuals – sometimes we have to be “in the world, but not of the world”. However, when there are multiple choices from which to fulfill our Christmas lists, why not shop at Christ-centered establishments, rather than those that are unrighteous, liberal, and “woke”? Let’s look for ways to further the Kingdom with our dollars, rather than help line the pockets of those who would love nothing more than to see our cause destroyed.

• Support local businesses. The success of your neighborhood, your city, your county, your state, your region, and your country, is your success. When you buy American-made items, you are doing your part to exercise good citizenship – you are helping maintain an independent nation with a thriving economy for yourself, your family, and your fellow Americans. Just as we should look for ways to avoid patronizing businesses that are clearly no friends of our God, we should also look for ways to minimize buying from countries that are clearly no friends of our USA. Bonus points when you can buy not only items made in your nation, but items made (or at least sold) in your own neck of the woods. Forget the big box stores, and vote “yes” for your community by gathering Christmas presents from a Mom-n-Pop shop near you.

• Support quality businesses. Exceptionalism in business is sadly becoming a lost art, as many business owners care way too much about making a buck, and way too little about customer gratification. Establishments cut corners in order to cut costs, prioritize quantity over quality, and the customers suffer for lack of skillful workmanship. How do these establishments get away with it? Because the money keeps pouring in anyway, leaving owners no incentive to change their business practices. Not enough people are frustrated enough to take their loyalty elsewhere. This Christmas, vote “yes” for quality items by shopping only at those rare establishments that produce quality products, and furthermore, practice honesty and integrity toward their clientele.

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance. – Isaiah 55:2

Fifthly and finally, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Why am I buying?

• Do you give for Christmas because your culture dictates it? It’s easy to get sucked into doing something just because “everyone else is doing it“. No one likes to feel that they are going against the grain unless they have a good reason to do so. Since Christmas is a holiday based on gladness, goodwill, and generosity, it would appear that only the greatest stick-in-the-mud would choose not to participate in gift giving or holiday celebrations. But that’s just societal pressures talking. The Bible says it best: One person values one day over another, another values every day the same. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind. (Romans 14:5) (With that being said, today’s article is meant for those who are already planning on shopping, making, or re-gifting presents for Christmas. My intent is not to add any cultural pressure myself. Christmas is both fun to celebrate and fine not to celebrate. We can rejoice, for we have Christian liberty over wee matters such as holidays!)

• Do you give for Christmas because your recipient demands it? Individuals can add just as much pressure on us to give Christmas presents as culture as a whole. There are some people that are bold enough (and rude enough) to pry: “so, what are you getting me for Christmas?” Questions such as these make us feel there is no way out…we are now locked into buying for that individual whether we had originally intended to or not. This kind of forced giving is not in tandem with the true spirit of Christmas. Instead of buying for someone out of the goodness of our own heart, we feel compelled to buy for them – only because we lack the courage to tell them that an outstretched hand is impolite and unbecoming. Don’t cave to pressure! Gently tell the person that you’d rather surprise them at random than under expectations regarding the 25th of December. (I know, easier said than done, but it might just help both of you with boundaries. You, to keep them. Them, not to break them.)

• Do you give for Christmas because your heart desires it? This is the ideal spirit of Christmas. One might say that Christmas is about giving, and that is true to an extent. However, at the very heart of things, Christmas is really about generosity. What’s the difference between giving and generosity? Giving is an outward action of the hands, while generosity is an internal virtue of the heart. All truly generous people give, but not all people who give are truly generous. Some give out of compulsion, some give in order to receive, and some give in order to be recognized. The generous person gives not because they feel they must, but because they have themselves been blessed and want to be a blessing to others. The generous person gives not with expectations or strings attached, but with a desire to bring cheer to their recipient. The generous person gives not to be seen, but because they want another to feel seen. If you aim to give this Christmas, be sure to do so out of true generosity.

Please take my gift which has been brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me and because I have plenty. – Genesis 33:11a

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In conclusion…

When Christmas shopping this year, remember to follow your 2024 Gift Giving Guide!

Take the stress out of the holiday season by simply asking yourself these 5 questions:

Who am I buying for? (Give according to the age, gender, and interests of your recipient)
What am I buying? (Choose wisely between gifts that are keepsakes, perishables, or experiences)
When I am buying? (Plan shopping trips according to store sales, your own budget, and your own time)
Where am I buying? (Support godly businesses, support local businesses, and support quality businesses)
Why am I buying? (Be sure it’s your heart’s desire, and not merely cultural dictates or recipient demands)

Happy gifting, Damsels! Have yourselves a merry little Christmas, and let your hearts be light.

It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! – Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

“Never, never get married, my friend! This is my advice to you. Do not marry until you have come to the conclusion that you have done all it is in your power to do, and until you have ceased to love the woman whom you have chosen, until you have seen clearly what she is; otherwise you will make a sad and irreparable mistake. When you are old and good for nothing, then get married….Otherwise, all that is good and noble in you will be thrown away.

…Don’t look at me in such amazement. If ever you have any hope of anything ahead of you, you will be made to feel at every step that, as far as you are concerned, all is at an end, all closed to you, except the drawing-room, where you will rank with court lackeys and idiots. That’s a fact!

…What I would not give at this moment if I were not married!

…Tie yourself to a woman and you are like a prisoner in chains, your whole freedom is destroyed.

…Egotism, ostentations, stupidity, meanness in every respect–such are women when they show themselves as they are. You see them in society and think they amount to something, but they are nothing, nothing, nothing! No, don’t marry, old fellow, don’t marry.”

Such were the dismal musings on marriage of Prince Andrei Bolkonsky to his bosom friend, Count Pierre Bezukhov. (These being two male protagonists in Leo Tolstoy’s crowning literary achievement, War and Peace.) For those of us who love the institution of marriage as well as our own marriages, we may feel that Prince Andrei’s words sound awfully harsh. For those of us who strive to be suitable helpers for our men, we would sooner die than hear our husbands speak of us the way Andrei spoke of his Lisa. Nonetheless, for those of us who know that virtuous wives are few and far between, we probably aren’t all that shocked that a man would regret hitching his wagon to a woman that makes him feel like a “prisoner in chains”.

Speaking of chains, many of you are probably familiar with the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“. This is an expression that used to be quite popular in the baby-boomer generation to refer to one’s wife. It’s one of those playful (yet a little bit derogatory), joking (yet a little bit serious), teasing (yet a little bit sad-but-true) ways people talk about their marriage that frankly smacks of a couple that’s a little (or maybe a “lottle“) bit out of sync with God’s will for husbands and wives. If Tolstoy’s hapless, 19th century Prince Bolkonsky had known the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“, he would have undoubtedly adopted this moniker for “The Little Princess”, Mrs. Bolkonsky. Indeed, Lisa had a lot to learn about being a help meet.

Though Prince Andrei’s soliloquy may have had a touch of the melodramatic, I can’t help but sympathize with him in his marital plight. Any man (of the 19th century, 21st century, or any century) ought to be pitied when he wakes up one day to find that his sweet young bride with a blushing smile for him has – over years of marriage – transformed into a miserable old hag with a bone to pick with him. Such a husband rightfully feels that he has been jilted. “How did the girl of my dreams become the woman of my nightmares?!“

Bolkonsky, like many a sucker before and after him, was a victim of bait-and-switch: courtesy a la femme fatale. He began his romance being pitifully captivated by Lisa, and ended up being her pitiful captive. “The Little Princess” was a charming young lady, but her loveliness was only skin-deep. It wasn’t long after she settled into married life that her true colors came out, revealing her for the shallow window-dressing that she was. When push came to shove, Lisa was neither supportive nor sympathetic as a wife, causing her poor husband to eagerly depart from their home and enter the war – without giving so much as a backward glance toward the bewildered woman he had left behind. Care to know how their story ends? Guess you’ll have to pick up a copy of War and Peace to find out, as I won’t spoil the classic tale for you!

Now, what does the rocky marriage of Prince and Princess Bolkonsky have to do with today’s article?

I believe it would serve us well to consider how we Damsels can be better help meets to our husbands than the fictional Princess Lisa was to hers, lest our husbands grow bitter like Prince Andrei and come to view their wives and marriages with regretful disdain. Today, we will identify three steps that are sure to make a sweet young bride slowly morph into a miserable old hag. If we can avoid stumbling over these roadblocks, then we can avoid devolving into our husband’s worst nightmare: The Old Ball and Chain.

Wives, beware! The first step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“Why isn’t my husband being the godly and masculine leader I desire for him to be?”

“Why isn’t he exercising more self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions?”

“Why doesn’t he step up and do more cleaning and tidying around the house?”

“Why can’t he be a more romantic and spontaneous husband?”

“Why can’t he be a more present and attentive father?”

Internal questions such as these are symptoms of a critical brain. When we allow ourselves to focus on our husband’s shortcomings (whether these are real or perceived), our love for him is sorely diminished. Why?

[Love] does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:5b-7a

A woman with a critical brain is the antithesis to this passage. She takes every wrong into account. She has a twisted pleasure in faultfinding. She neglects to notice the praiseworthy in her man. She is unwilling to bear with her husband. She is unwilling to believe in her husband. She is unwilling to hope in her husband. She is unwilling to endure her husband. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

When we consider our husbands to be: not godly enough, not masculine enough, not self-controlled enough, not clean and tidy enough, not present enough, not attentive enough, not romantic enough, not spontaneous enough, etc., we are rewiring our brains to see our men in a distinctly negative light: they are not enough. When we see another person as not enough, our natural tendency is to consider ourselves as above and beyond their caliber. (Cue the underlying, subconscious belief: “While he is not enough, I however, am the perfect picture of godliness, self-control, cleanliness, and so forth”) When we consider ourselves to be above and beyond another person, it makes it nigh to impossible – almost laughably ludicrous – to place ourselves under them with submission and reverence. This presents a dilemma: we as wives are commanded to submit to and revere our husbands. So what’s a girl to do? Unfortunately, most women will much sooner lay aside God’s word than lay aside their criticism of their husbands. Such women harden their hearts, excuse themselves from obedience to scripture, utterly ignore their roles as women (while ironically expecting their husbands to fulfill their roles as men), continue their cycle of seeking and finding faults, and move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a critical brain.

Wives, beware! The second step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“I am sick and tired of my husband not being the godly and masculine leader he ought to be!”

“I am sick and tired of him not exercising self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions!”

“He never so much as lifts a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”

“He is pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”

“He is never present with the kids nor pays them any attention!”

Internal complaints such as these are symptoms of a cross heart. Notice the progression from our last point. We may start out with seemingly harmless questions about our husbands’ behaviors, but if we let such questions dominate our minds, the former questions of our brain become the current complaints of our heart. We become angry and bitter = cross. And our love for our husband is diminished further. Why?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous… – 1 Corinthians 13:4a

A woman with a cross heart is the antithesis to this passage. She is impatient with her husband, expecting him to master areas of growth and maturity on her timetable. She is unkind in her assessment of him, choosing to view him as a flawed man with a few virtues that don’t amount to much, rather than a virtuous man with a few flaws that don’t amount to much. She is jealous of him, thinking that she is the one who puts forth all the effort, and that he has it pretty easy compared to her. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

An important truth in life is this: What you focus on grows. If you stare into a mirror every day and think to yourself how much you loathe your big nose, pretty soon that undesirable feature will be all you’re able to see when you gaze at your reflection. On the flip side, if you stare into a mirror every day and admire your beautiful eyes, pretty soon that attractive feature will be what seems prominent to you. Shifting our focus from negative features to positive ones can have great results when it comes to building self-esteem, and the same is true for building husband-esteem. What you focus on about your husband grows! If you dwell on what is undesirable about his spiritual walk with the Lord, or his role as head of the home, or his habits of cleanliness, or his performance as a husband or father, guess what? Pretty soon that is all you will be able to see. Never mind his good qualities! After all, if you don’t see them, does he really have any? (I’m being facetious, of course) The more we focus on what we find as undesirable and unlovable in our men, the less we will be able to discern what is desirable and lovable in them. We allow old wounds to fester, warm hearts to grow cold, and we move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cross heart.

Wives, beware! The third and final step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“I am sick and tired of you not being the godly and masculine leader you ought to be!”

“I am sick and tired of you not exercising self-control over your thoughts, words, and actions!”

“You never so much as lift a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”

“You are pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”

“You are never present with the kids nor pay them any attention!”

External cut-downs such as these are symptoms of a cruel mouth. Again, notice the progression from our last point. The questions that burden our brains, and the complaints that poison our hearts, soon become the cut-downs that spew from our mouths. Our love for our husband is diminished considerably. Why?

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked… 1 Corinthians 13:4b-5a

A woman with a cruel mouth is the antithesis to this passage. She brags arrogantly of her (self-proclaimed) superiority over her husband – in matters spiritual, emotional, or physical. She acts unbecomingly as she insults and berates him in private or public settings, to his face or behind his back. She seeks her own, foolishly believing that her negative words will produce the positive effect in him that she desires (spoiler alert: this never happens. Men – by God’s design – will not be conquered by a woman’s show of force. A man is won over by chaste and respectful behavior. A soft, feminine lady will always hold more sway over her husband than a hard, feminist shrew.) She is easily provoked and lashes out at her husband when she feels he is not measuring up. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

If your goal is to have your husband rue the day he took you as his wife, the best way to do it is to cut him down. A husband hates nothing so much as that which removes his manhood and puts him in the rank of “court lackeys and idiots”, as Prince Andrei so eloquently put it. For a man, maintaining his self-respect and the respect of others is paramount. Women know this instinctively, which is why we are so often tempted to spew words that “go for the jugular”. If we can hit a home run in the insult department, it will wake our husband up and make him want to kowtow to our wishes, right? Wrong! All men – good men and bad men alike – share one thing in common: they will remove anything from their path that diminishes their sense of masculine dignity. Sometimes this means a drastic measure, such as divorce…but for your average Joe who loves his wife (even if she’s a regular nightmare to live with), he will probably take a less final approach – he will simply distance himself from her and her abusive speech. Of course, the more he distances himself, the more critical and cross she gets. The more critical and cross she gets, the more cruel she gets. The more cruel she gets, the more he distances himself from her presence. Around and around they go, and pretty soon he hates her and she hates him, and the marriage is a wreck. All because she allowed herself to move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cruel mouth.

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In conclusion…

How does a sweet young bride morph into a miserable old hag? One step at a time. First, she gives place to a critical brain. She is full of questions. Then, she gives place to a cross heart. She is full of complaints. Finally, she gives place to a cruel mouth. She is full of cut-downs. As she follows this vicious cycle over the years, her love for her man dwindles away to nothing. One day her husband wakes up to find that the girl of his dreams became the woman of his nightmares. This is what happened to Lisa Bolkonsky. This is what made her husband, Andrei Bolkonsky, say: “Never, never get married my friend!” Don’t let it happen to you. Stay soft, stay forgiving, stay loving. Love of a man is what keeps a woman from becoming The Old Ball and Chain. Be a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of wife, and watch your marriage flourish. Of this you can be sure:

Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:8a

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.