Destress the Damsel


They’ve made me feel like a prisoner
They’ve made me feel set free
They’ve made me feel like a criminal
Made me feel like a king

They’ve lifted my heart
To places I’d never been
And they’ve dragged me down
Back to where I began

Words can build you up
Words can break you down
Start a fire in your heart or
Put it out

Let my words be life
Let my words be truth
I don’t wanna say a word
Unless it points the world back to You

– Excerpt from “Words” by Hawk Nelson

The emphasis these song lyrics place on the power of words is spot on. Words, and the tones in which we convey them, can go a long way in hurting or healing our hearers. When our words and tones build up others rather than tear them down; when our words and tones start fires in people’s hearts as opposed to putting them out; when our words and tones are life-bringing and truth-bearing, pointing those around us to our King…we are unlocking an indispensable virtue that few (even among the saved) possess: tact.

Tact/tăkt/noun
An acute sensitivity to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others, including the ability to speak or act without offending.

There will be times in all of our lives when we are forced to have uncomfortable conversations with other people. We might be in a position where we must provide constructive criticism, correct a mistake, or rebuke sin. We might be in a position where we must give an answer before a false accuser. We might be in a position where we must hold a firm boundary, whether biblical or personal. Knowing how to remain tactful, even during the most unpleasant of conversations, is an absolute essential for godly womanhood.

Hawk Nelson’s line, “let my words be life, let my words be truth“, describes the band’s desire to speak the truth in love. You know, it’s pretty easy to speak words of life…if you’ve got the right personality for it. It’s also pretty easy to speak words of truth…if you’ve got the right personality for it. What is difficult for most, is having that uncommon ability to speak life and truth simultaneously, regardless of one’s personality: learning to communicate amiably and assertively, beautifully and boldly, delicately and directly, all at the same time. A lady who consistently practices speaking the truth in love is a lady who is keeping in tact.

Do you want to become “acutely sensitive to what is proper and appropriate in dealing with others”? Do you want to sharpen your “ability to speak or act without offending”? Do you want to be keeping in tact? In today’s lesson, we will dive into the 3 key elements one needs in order to perfect the art of tactfulness.

Firstly, you must:

Tact is the ability to step on a man’s toes without messing up the shine on his shoes.

– Harry S. Truman

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with (no matter how good or bad they may be) is an invitee of God’s saving grace. Every person on earth – from the most devious of God-haters to the most devout of God-lovers – has intrinsic value, being made in the image of God. When you keep this truth before your eyes, it will prevent you from “messing up the shine” on anyone’s shoes.

If you approached every conversation with humility, keeping in mind that you are merely one puny image-bearing creature of dust communicating with another, what would that look like? Would you scream and shout at your fellow image-bearer? Would you belittle and demean them? Would you dish out threats and insults? Would you speak in a disdainful, condescending tone? Would you treat them to a hideous glare? Would you point an accusing finger in their face? Would you strip them of their dignity?

How we see people goes a long way in how we treat them. Now, please note that I am not saying, “accept everyone as they are, and tolerate the sins of others”. We should identify enemies of the cross and try to limit our exposure to them. We should be wary and distrustful of those who wrong us time and time again (sans repentance). We should protect ourselves from careless people who repeatedly stomp all over our boundaries. Nevertheless, we should not lose sight of an enemy’s innate humanity. Keep a healthy distance from toxic individuals, yes…but when you must interact with them, do so with the respect due a fellow image-bearer.

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. – Genesis 1:27

Let your speech always be with grace, seasoned, as it were, with salt, so that you may know how you should respond to each person. – Colossians 4:6 (emphasis added)

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep His Grace, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

Secondly, you must…

You’ll get mixed up, of course, as you already know. You’ll get mixed up with many strange birds as you go. So be sure when you step. Step with care and great tact and remember that Life’s a Great Balancing Act. Just never forget to be dexterous and deft. And never mix up your right foot with your left.

– Dr. Seuss

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with has a place. Whether in home, church, or government, each person has a specialized rank in the chain of authority. What is yours? Knowing your place in the three tiers above will ensure you “never mix up your right foot with your left”.

Allow me to be frank: a woman’s place – in home, church, and government – is a place of subjection:

A woman of the home is to be subject to her husband’s authority: Ephesians 5:22
A woman of the church is to be subject to her leaders’ authority: 1 Corinthians 14:34
A woman of the nation is to be subject to her rulers’ authority: Titus 3:1

Anytime subordinates forsake and abandon their proper place of subjection, mass chaos is sure to ensue:

O my people! Their oppressors are children, and women rule over them. O my people! Those who guide you lead you astray and confuse the direction of your paths. – Isaiah 3:12 (emphasis added)

If you approached every conversation with humility, remembering your appropriate place (as well as the appropriate place of the person you are speaking with), what would that look like? Would you shame your husband by drawing attention to his shortcomings? Would you assert your opinions from the church pew, essentially preaching by proxy? Would you cop an attitude with a police officer or government official? Would you assume a place of authority over men with a grossly unfeminine, brazen, take-charge persona?

Many women believe that reproving, rebuking, and exhorting are the God-given rights – and perhaps even the God-given responsibilities – of all Christians, of all genders, all of the time. Anytime they become offended or detect a sin in someone, they feel it is their sacred duty to “set the record straight“. I heartily disagree with this viewpoint. For one thing, the admonition to “reprove, rebuke, and exhort” was given to a very specific individual, AKA Timothy: an adult man, an authority figure, and a gospel preacher. For another, even Timothy was given limitations on his authority to correct (i.e. Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father. – 1 Timothy 5:1a). If Timothy, a man, an authority, and a preacher, was not given full license to dish out severe correction to whomever he pleased, why do some women feel so free to voice their loud discontent with anyone and everyone in their life? When we feel compelled to give constructive criticism, correct a mistake, or rebuke sin, we should first consider our place. Are we dealing with our child? Someone else’s child? A single woman? A married woman? A man? All of these scenarios demand a different approach, as opposed to being “one-size-fits-all”. It all comes down to our honoring the chain of authority, and keeping our appropriate place as feminine beings.

If two men, a man and his countryman, are struggling together, and the wife of one comes near to deliver her husband from the hand of the one who is striking him, and puts out her hand and seizes his genitals, then you shall cut off her hand; you shall not show pity. – Deuteronomy 25:11-12
(What does this strange O.T. law point out for us today? That it has always been a most detestable and punishable thing for a woman to “wield a man by the testicles”. Even if a woman believes herself to have good intentions, she is never to step outside of her feminine place to “spar” with a man. I believe this also applies to bandying words with men. The fairer sex is, in fact, called to “win without a word” – 1 Peter 3:1)

A woman must quietly receive instruction with entire submissiveness. But I do not allow a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, but to remain quiet. – 1 Timothy 2:11-12

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep Your Place, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

Thirdly and lastly, you must…

Tact is the knack of making a point without making an enemy.

– Howard W. Newton

It is significant to remember that every single human being that you engage with needs their space. The old adage, “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink” applies to people as much as it does to horses. No matter how correct we are (or think we are), we don’t have the authority to remove another adult’s right to choose – their free will. Attempting to do so is a surefire way to “make an enemy”.

If you approached every conversation with humility, allowing others the freedom to agree or disagree with you, what would that look like? Would you close your ears to any belief that didn’t align perfectly with your own? Would you stubbornly argue your point until a tense discussion escalated into a fight? Would you micromanage the other person’s lifestyle afterward, to make sure they had fallen in line with your wishes? Would you give them the cold shoulder if they in any way fell short of your expectations?

You have likely been in the presence of someone who makes you feel like you’re always walking on eggshells around them…someone whose pressuring personality makes everyone in the room feel like their best isn’t good enough…someone whose dominating will reigns supreme. If you’ve never been in this uncomfortable situation, the person I’ve just described might be you…though I hope this is not the case. There is nothing tactful about a bully, especially one of the female variety. An overbearing man is most unpleasant to be around, but nothing is quite so insufferable as an overbearing woman…such brash creatures are the antithesis of femininity. The truth is, no one likes being around anyone so tyrannical that they cannot accept the concept of free moral agency. Jehovah God Himself has allowed every person, both great and small, the right to make choices for themselves. (Note: this does not imply that people are free from the consequences of their choices) We must allow others the space for personal responsibility also. Giving gentle admonishment (to equals and subordinates) is one thing…but never beat a dead horse.

If it is disagreeable in your sight to serve the Lord, choose for yourselves today whom you will serve: whether the gods which your fathers served which were beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord. – Joshua 24:15 (emphasis added)

And He was saying to them all, If anyone wishes to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily and follow Me. – Luke 9:23 (emphasis added)

Don’t fall apart over a conversation. Keep Their Space, and you’ll be Keeping in Tact.

In conclusion…

Like Hawk Nelson, I want to “let my words be life, let my words be truth“. What about you? Do you likewise want to make sure that you are keeping in tact for every conversation you engage in? Then remember…

Tact is keeping His grace: acknowledging that all human beings are image-bearers of the living God.

Tact is keeping your place: acknowledging that all human beings have a rank in the chain of authority.

Tact is keeping their space: acknowledging that all human beings reserve the right to exercise free will.

When we abide by these three key elements, not only will we keep ourselves from falling apart over a conversation, but we’ll do our part to help ensure that the body of Jesus Christ is keeping in tact as well.

​…speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in all aspects into Him who is the head, even Christ, ​from whom the whole body, being fitted and held together by that which every joint supplies, according to the proper working of each individual part, causes the growth of the body for the building up of itself in love. – Ephesians 4:15-16 (emphasis added)

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.