Destress the Damsel

Constructive Colloquy

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If you your lips would keep from slips,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
And how and when and where.

If you your ears would save from jeers,
These things keep meekly hid:
Myself and I, and mine and my,
And how I do and did.

– “Our Lips & Ears”, The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett

– Are you tired of engaging in dull, meaningless conversation?

– Would you like to communicate more effectively with others?

– Do you wish to glorify God with every discussion?

Then stay tuned! Today we will consider what it takes to be a conversationalist after God’s own heart. Colloquy (that is to say, conversation) that is constructive does not come naturally for most of us. Unfortunately, it is our natural tendency in our conversations to be inconsiderate and selfish – highly interested in ourselves, apathetic towards others, and irritated when the tables are turned. These traits of course do not make for a desirable companion!

As christians, we are to make the most of every opportunity in which to bring Christ to others. One of the most simple yet powerful ways to do so is through our colloquy. Since it is such a useful tool, we ought to know how to use it, and how to use it well. Colloquy is a learned skill…it must be practiced to perfection. Now we needn’t be apprehensive – we can know conversational success by looking to the scriptures for guidance. To be constructive, the colloquy we engage in with others must only adhere to a very simple pattern which can be found in James 1:19…

Come, let us consider the three vital qualities required for us to attain Constructive Colloquy.

1. Ears That Hear

To hear = to listen, to perceive.

“Let every man be swift to hear…”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who listen.

Girls, if we don’t ever listen, we don’t ever learn…and if we don’t ever learn, we don’t ever grow. Listening is as essential to Christianity as water is to the human body. Listening brings life and growth. Without the quality of listening ears we could not believe, obey the gospel call, or follow God’s commands. Without listening we would know nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. Yet so often, our ears become lazy. When others speak, our minds can drift to other topics. We might think about what we’re doing later that day, or what we’re going to say next. This is where we must take our thoughts captive and block out all else except what the other person is saying.

There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Listening is more than simply being silent as the other person speaks. Listening involves intent focus. This can be difficult, because many times when we are not intently focused, it is because we are disinterested. What can we do…how can we change our hearts to be interested in others?

We need to understand the benefits that can come about as a result of listening. It is not enough to listen because it is the nice thing to do…what is going to motivate us to have listening ears is knowing what exactly happens when we listen…

  • We gain knowledge. If we are having a conversation with someone who is outside the faith, it is important to comprehend his point of view. If we don’t have much knowledge about the outside world, our credibility with other people goes down in spades. Be aware and listen to what non-believers think and have to say about us. It can greatly help us to examine our own faith as well as know where they are at and what they need from us.
  • We gain understanding. Perhaps we are talking to someone who is going through a difficult time or has gone astray in their faith. These people are in a fragile state and need to know that we care about them. Sometimes we all need someone who is willing to listen to our plight without fear that they will brush us off and judge us harshly. We need to learn to be that person that can be leaned upon in times of trouble. When we listen to a hurting individual, not only can it serve to soothe their hurt, but it can teach us values like kindness and compassion that we may otherwise be sorely lacking in.
  • We gain wisdom. If we are having a conversation with other Christians, we ought to regard the wisdom that our brethren have to share as invaluable. It can be exciting to share new things we have learned from God’s word, but we need to be sure to keep silence at times and lend an ear to our brothers and sisters in Christ so that we can learn from them. It is especially important to remember to listen even when a brother or sister rubs us the wrong way. Some people can be rude and abrasive, but that does not relinquish us from our duty to listen to them. We need to learn to focus more on the message than the messenger.

Big egos have little ears. – Robert Schuller

Consider the magnitude of this truth: God inclines His ear to us here on earth! Would we consider ourselves above Him?

He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? He that formed the eye, shall he not see? – Psalm 94:9

The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. – Psalm 34:15

The most important motivation for listening to others should be in following in the footsteps of our Lord. God regards those who listen as wise, but those who close their ears as fools.

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels. – Proverbs 1:5

Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words. – Proverbs 23:9

Therefore it is come to pass, that as he cried, and they would not hear; so they cried, and I would not hear, saith the Lord of hosts. – Zechariah 7:13

You might be thinking that listening is just not a skill you are gifted with. It may be that your personality is flighty and your mind quickly jumps from one topic to the next. Yet remember, constructive colloquy is learned…and anyone can become a great listener if they set their heart towards it. Consider that Jesus defied natural law, healing the eyes and ears of those who were physically blind and deaf. While we can not perform miraculous physical healings in this dispensation, we can defy the natural law of our worldly flesh in a spiritual way. If we are deaf spiritually, we can be healed if we will choose to walk in newness of life!

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. – Isaiah 35:5

Hear, ye deaf; and look, ye blind, that ye may see. – Isaiah 42:18

Be encouraged friends…spiritual deafness is 100% curable.

Hear ye, and give ear; be not proud: for the Lord hath spoken. – Jeremiah 13:15

Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David. – Isaiah 55:3

2. Lips That Near

To near = To close in; to approach.

“Let every man be…slow to speak”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who know when to be silent.

Talking uncontrollably is closely associated with poor listening skills, yet it is still very much a negative character trait of its very own. We can be great listeners, and still struggle with over-speaking at times.

If to talk to oneself when alone is folly, it must be doubly unwise to listen to oneself in the presence of others. – Baltasar Gracian (1647)

Talking too much often stems from pride. Subconsciously, perhaps we believe that we are so interesting and knowledgeable that we deserve to have the floor the majority of the time. How selfish! This certainly does not draw people to want to converse with us. Now sometimes we truly do have important thoughts to express…and when this is true, by all means SPEAK! Yet even then it is not good to completely overwhelm the other person, stretching their listening skills to the limits. Furthermore, there are many times in life when speaking at all is folly. These include…

  • When we are given to complaints. One of the easiest times to speak is when in a sour mood. Isn’t this disgraceful? I have found that when I am unhappy, if I allow myself to give in to venting I might say ungrateful things I would not say if I had waited until I righted my perspective. Once complaining sets in, it continues in rapid snowball effect. We can always find something to be upset about, but on the flip side we can always find something to rejoice about. If we are in a mood to dwell on the former, it’s best to zip our lips.
  • When we are given to gossip. While we may not categorize it as such, talking about others is a lust. It can stroke our ego when we put others down, and therefore we keep doing it to reach that peculiar high. Gossip can become such a part of our lives that we hardly recognize that we are gossiping. Yet we must nip this sinful habit in the bud…before we become unfruitful and unholy busybodies! It has been said that if we are not posing a solution for a problem, we should not be talking about it. Similarly, the band Coldplay posed this question in their hit song, “Clocks”: “Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?” What a powerful question that we should continually ask ourselves!
  • When we are given to divulgence. For those who are extroverted, it might be a struggle to keep things inside that beg to be shared. Sharing information can be harmless at times, but other times can be very dangerous. Discretion is a valuable trait, especially in a woman who can be more apt to talk based on her feelings than what is logical. It is generally the wise thing to consult with your husband (or if unmarried, your father or another trusted adult) before sharing things that might be better left unsaid.

You have two ears and one mouth, and you should use them in those proportions – Chinese Proverb

A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. – Proverbs 29:11

…a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words. – Ecclesiastes 5:3b

If we are always talking, we mute out others and we mute out God. Furthermore, we can go so far as to sin with our mouth by complaining, gossiping, or divulging…and of course engaging in any foolish speech that is contrary to Christian values. When in doubt, mum’s the word!

Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. – Proverbs 21:23

Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. – Psalm 141:3

3. Spirits That Steer

To steer = To guide; to direct a course.

“Let every man…be slow to wrath.”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who seek after peace.

Constructive Colloquy is all about finding that perfect balance in conversation. Nobody likes talking to a brick wall, nor do they like not being able to get a word in edgewise. Just enough listening and just enough speaking will keep anger and frustration at bay from both parties.

In the spirit of Galatians 5, it takes the fruit of the spirit to be a good conversationalist:

  • Do you love the person talking to you enough to find joy in hearing their point of view?
  • Might you exercise a little goodness and self control by holding your tongue at times?
  • Would you forbear, having patience as you (attentively) wait your turn to talk?
  • Will you allow kindness and gentleness to keep you from interrupting?
  • These are the things that promote peace in a conversation.

Above all, let your conversation always point to Jesus. Colloquy not led by God’s spirit can hardly be called constructive. Rather it is crude, void of purpose, and even rooted in wickedness. Remove yourself from the presence of those who would refuse to see the light and only bring you down. This is not profitable for you or them, but merely a waste of precious time. Politely remove yourself and seek after that which will build up and edify.

Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge. – Proverbs 19:27

For the ear trieth words, as the mouth tasteth meat. – Job 34:3

I hope that this lesson has helped you to examine the skills you currently possess as a conversationalist. I am constantly having to work on myself in this area, and I’m sure it is something we all struggle with at times. Let us talk to God about this and ask Him for wisdom. Remember, we must in every conversation bring ears that hear, lips that near, and spirits that steer. These are the qualities we must have to attain…Constructive Colloquy.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. – James 1:19

Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another…Malachi 3:16a

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

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Whether the weather is fine, whether the weather is not
Whether the weather is cold, whether the weather is hot
We’ll weather the weather, whatever the weather
Whether we like it or not.

– Anonymous British Poem

This little ditty is often the reason behind dramatic rolled eyes and painful sighs in my home. When my children start complaining about the temps outdoors, they can be sure that their mother will start reciting this old standby to them…much to their chagrin. It may not be their favorite rhyme, but I hope that as they grow they will learn to see the wisdom in it. I hope that they will be adults who seek joy and contendedness in all seasons…no matter how dreary it may seem at the time.

Truth be told, I myself am not a big fan of Wintertime. Give me sunshine, short sleeves, and the beach any day…someone else can take the snow, the hundred bajillion layers of clothing, and the arctic tundra winds! Okay, okay, I digress. Even though I’ve never particularly enjoyed this time of year, I have learned to have peace with it. Winter is just a part of life for many regions! We can either choose to mope around for three or more months wishing it were a different season, or we can choose to accept this season for what it has to offer and allow it to grow us.

Adults and children alike, we all typically prefer good weather to bad, do we not?

Yet whether we are speaking of the current condition of our atmosphere or the current season of our life, God has ordained both good and bad weather. We must learn to “weather the weather”…for every kind of season can and will be for our ultimate good, if we will let it be.

For the man sound in body and serene of mind there is no such thing as bad weather; every sky has it’s beauty, and storms which whip the blood do but make it pulse more vigorously. – George Gissing, “Winter”, The Private Papers of Henry Ryecroft (1903)

Today we are going to learn three truths about Winter that just may help us to look at this season in a brand new way…

1. Winter Is Inevitable
(It’s bound to happen)

For those of us who live away from the equator, Winter always comes at least once a year, does it not? You’d think we’d get accustomed to it as a part of life. Yet year after year I hear people complaining….complaining about Winter’s coming…complaining for three months while Winter is occurring…and when Winter is finally over, complaining that Winter will return all too soon. Unfortunately, I used to be one of these people…that is until I started to loathe the vicious cycle that left me a miserable nag for a quarter of the year!

Did you ever consider that the same God who made the Springtime flowers, Summer sunshine, and Fall harvest also made the Winter snow? We need to respect God’s plan for nature. This whole circle of life happening around us is for HIS glory…not ours.

Thou hast set all the borders of the earth: thou hast made summer and *winter.
– Psalm 74:17

While the earth remaineth, seedtime and harvest, and cold and heat, and summer and *winter, and day and night shall not cease. – Genesis 8:22

For he saith to the *snow, Be thou on the earth; likewise to the small rain, and to the great rain of his strength. – Job 37:6

Friends, Winter is inevitable..part of God’s design. We can’t change Winter weather or stop it from coming, but here’s the good news: we can prepare for it, and adjust to it. We can add that extra quilt on the bed…we can add extra layers of clothing to our bodies…we can kick up the heat a notch. In all honesty, we should be thankful that we even have the means to do these things! God is so good to provide us with what we need for all seasons.

If thou faint in the day of adversity, thy strength is small. – Proverbs 24:10

Now let us consider “Winter” in the spiritual sense. God has also ordained trials to occur in the life of His children at certain seasons. All of us will have our “Winters”, and just as with the physical Winter, we need to accept spiritual Winters as a part of life. They will come, and we need to have the strength and acceptance to persevere through them…and even have joy through our trials.

I form the light, and create darkness: I make peace, and create evil: I the Lord do all these things. – Isaiah 45:7

So that no one would be disturbed by these afflictions; for you yourselves know that we have been *destined for this. For indeed when we were with you we kept telling you in advance that we were going to suffer affliction; and so it came to pass, as you know. – 1 Thessalonians 3:3-4 NASB

Perhaps some of us will have children who go astray. Some of us might lose a job…get in an accident…be betrayed by a friend. Some of us may even lose our beloved spouse (whether it be by choice or by death). These are all hard pills to swallow – some are devastating. Yet in the midst of the pain, we can find a light at the end of the tunnel…if we remember that God has a purpose in our suffering. We will touch on this in our next point…

Because the birdsong might be pretty,
But it’s not for you they sing,
And if you think my winter is too cold,
You don’t deserve my spring.
– Erin Hanson

2. Winter is Incidental
(It happens for a reason)

Been walking my mind to an easy time
My back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows
It’ll turn your head around.

– James Taylor, Fire And Rain

This classic song really resonates with me. Isn’t it true of us, that when we have our “back turned towards the sun” (or rather, the SON – living the easy life and forgetting our Creator), God often sends a “cold wind” (hardship) our way that will “turn our head around” (set us back on track)? Our tendency is to draw closer to God during times of struggle. It shouldn’t be this way…we should keep our focus on Him at all times. Unfortunately this is not always the case, and our Father knows it.

If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant: if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome. – Anne Bradstreet

Winter is incidental. In nature, it occurs when the Northern Hemisphere is tilted away from the sun. It works much the same way spiritually…by cause and effect. Trials often occur when we have tilted away from Christ. Feebleminded as we humans can be, we sometimes need a good knock upside the head to get us back on the Straight and Narrow. Many times, Winter is that painful blow. It is up to us to respond to it as God intends!

Our Father can teach us a lot about our own spirit by observing the animals He has made and how they respond to Wintertime. Consider this:

  • For some animals, Winter is their cue to migrate. Where do they go? They travel closer to the sun, and away from the dark, cold days of Winter. This is the effect that Winter should have on us. It is a wake-up call for when we have started slipping, and true followers of Christ will be moved by it. We will stand up, dust ourselves off, and get serious about our faith again.
  • Other animals hibernate, or go into a state of deep sleep. Is this not much like what some people will do? Instead of allowing Winter to push them closer to the sun, they just go into a heavy slumber. Rather than growing through the hard times, they merely feel sorry for themselves and hole up in walls of bitterness.
  • Some animals change their fur color to reflect the snowy landscape around them. When we fall on hard times, we might go so far as to reject God and sink even further into Winter. Perhaps we will take on the “if you can’t beat ’em, join ’em” attitude and blend in to the world. We might let others convince us that we can drown away our sorrows by such evils as drunkenness, drug abuse, or fornication.
  • Still others might grow a thicker fur to keep warm. This is what we do when we stop trusting in the Lord, and instead rely on our own strength to get us through affliction. It is essentially doing the same thing Adam and Eve did – trying to cover their sin with a covering of their own making. Of course this is just another way of avoiding the true problem – our need for maturity.

The way of the wicked is as darkness: they know not at what they stumble. – Proverbs 4:19

Give glory to the Lord your God, before he cause darkness, and before your feet stumble upon the dark mountains, and, while ye look for light, he turn it into the shadow of death, and make it gross darkness. – Jeremiah 13:16

Now I want it to be understood that every time something bad happens to us, it’s not because we personally have sinned. One only has to read the book of Job to know that much! Sometimes Winter comes upon us for our own good, sometimes it comes upon us for someone else’s! Sometimes it comes as a teaching moment to an on-looking friend, or someone that we can be an encouragement to later on, or even to tell a story to future generations. Whatever the case, Winter is a strong message that life away from God is cold, dark, and dreary. We would be wise to stop and consider!

3. Winter Is Indelible
(It’s happening changes us)

Winter, physically or spiritually speaking, can really take a toll on us. Yet if we will be faithful and endure to the end of the season, we will see Spring come around once more. Seasons change, and in so doing they change us. Through it all, we will either get bitter or get better! Hopefully as we go through the years we will start to have a healthy respect for Winter…and remember what our life can be if we don’t dwell in the light of the sun.

And now men see not the bright light which is in the clouds: but the wind passeth, and cleanseth them. Fair weather cometh out of the North: with God is terrible majesty. – Job 37:21-22

This passage is so powerful. Shame on us when we are too blind to see the light of day. It’s no wonder God sends Winter to this earth when we don’t remember Him when things are easy! We may loathe the harsh winds of Winter, but how can we when we know this is for our cleansing? Would we rather be comfortable and deceived, or uncomfortable and received?

He had heard an inarticulate promise: he had been pierced by Spring, that sharp knife. – Thomas Wolfe

The good times may be more desirable, but would we choose them in order to stay in darkness? Trials may save our very souls.

Winter is indelible. Once we have known true struggle, we aren’t apt to forget it.
If we are teachable, every Winter will be a welcome reminder that…

  • The chill in the air is reminiscent of the chill that can grow inside our hearts.
  • Slippery sidewalks remind us how dangerous it is to slip away from Christ.
  • Barren trees whisper to us of a lack of spiritual vitality.
  • Longer nights and shorter days represent the darkness we’ve allowed to replace the light.

Now no chastening for the present seemeth to be joyous, but grievous: nevertheless afterward it yieldeth the peaceable fruit of righteousness unto them which are exercised thereby. – Hebrews 12:8

Sorrow is better than laughter: for by the sadness of the countenance the heart is made better. The heart of the wise is in the house of mourning; but the heart of fools is in the house of mirth. – Ecclesiastes 7:3-4

“Winters in Russia are so harsh that they are a natural defense during war. For example, rather than entering into peace negotiations with Napoleon Bonaparte, Tsar Alexander 1 decided to let Russia’s cold winter deal with the French invaders.”

Source: www.factretriever.com

“59 Cold Facts About Winter” by Karin Lehnardt, November 2016

Winter can drive the enemy away. Satan would love to see our afflictions become stumbling blocks, but we should see them as valuable weapons of warfare!

She is not afraid of the *snow for her household: for all her household are clothed with scarlet. – Proverbs 31:21

Winter is inevitable and incidental, but it is also indelible. If we will take the Winter season with a good attitude and notebook in hand, it will leave an impression on us that can last a lifetime and on into eternity. Only a fool comes out of a hardship having learned nothing of value. Those who fear the Lord will come out of their hardships wiser, stronger, and more in love with their Father than ever before.

In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer. – Albert Camus

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Don’t knock the weather. If it didn’t change once in a while, nine out of ten people couldn’t start a conversation.
– Kin Hubbard