Destress the Damsel

Damsel of Dignity

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Fat man looking in a blade of steel
Thin man looking at his last meal
Hollow man looking in a cotton field
For dignity

Wise man looking in a blade of grass
Young man looking in the shadows that pass
Poor man looking through painted glass
For dignity

Somebody got murdered on New Year’s Eve
Somebody said dignity was the first to leave
I went into the city, went into the town
Went into the land of the midnight sun

Searching high, searching low
Searching everywhere I know
Asking the cops wherever I go
“Have you seen dignity?”

Blind man breaking out of a trance
Puts both hands in the pockets of chance
Hoping to find one circumstance
Of dignity

…

The chilly wind sharp as a razor blade
House on fire, debts unpaid
Gonna stand at the window, going to ask the maid
“Have you seen dignity?”

Drinking man listens to the voice he hears
In a crowded room full of covered up mirrors
Looking into the lost forgotten years
For dignity

…

Sick man looking for the doctor’s cure
Looking at his hands for the lines that were
And into every masterpiece of literature
For dignity

An Englishman stranded in the black-heart wind
Combing his hair back, his future looks thin
Bites the bullet and he looks within
For dignity

Someone showed me a picture and I just laughed
Dignity never been photographed
I went into the red, went into the black
Into the valley of dry bone dreams

So many roads, so much at stake
Too many dead ends, I’m at the edge of the lake
Sometimes I wonder what it’s going to take
To find dignity

– Excerpt from Bob Dylan’s song, “Dignity”

Dignity is as elusive today as it was when this song was recorded in 1989. Not a whole lot has changed in the last 35 years. As a matter of fact, dignity has always been hard to find among creatures of dust. Long before Christ became flesh, a mother of old taught her son about the ethereal woman of virtue…one who clothed herself with strength and that exceeding rare quality of dignity. (Proverbs 31:25) I sure hope King Lemuel found his “far above jewels” lady. Many men (throughout the ages) never find a wife like that.

Damsels of Dignity really are few and far between – unless you count all the self-proclaimed “Proverbs 31” ladies. I have seen many a woman in many a church pew, sporting a bit of that ancient oracle of King Lemuel’s mother. From the “virtuous woman” Bible cases…to the “she smiles at the future” notebook covers…to the “charm is deceitful and beauty is vain” tee shirts, you’d think every female was that dream daughter-in-law of King Lemuel’s mom. While I commend the aspiration – and likewise aspire to be like that legendary damsel of dignity – I can’t help but wonder if all the cute paraphernalia isn’t more-or-less a sign of thinking of ourselves more highly than we ought. Did not King Lemuel’s mother say, “an excellent wife, who can find“? (Proverbs 31:10) Let me re-emphasize: Who can find? Who can find? Who can find? Many of us long to be like her, but how many of us really are like her? Excellent? Strong? Dignified? Few.

Bob Dylan’s question begs to be asked: “have you seen dignity“? Can we look into the mirror of scripture and see a dignified damsel looking back? Can we be a dignified damsel for our husbands, and to our children? Can we show a dignified damsel to a world that is “hoping to find one circumstance of dignity“? What even is dignity? How can we know whether or not we are dignified damsels, or merely wannabes?

Between the exemplary descriptions of femininity found in Proverbs 31 and Titus 2, there is a lesser-known passage that describes a damsel of dignity. This passage is 1 Timothy 3:11. It reads as follows:

Women must likewise be dignified, not malicious gossips, but temperate, faithful in all things.

What is a damsel of dignity? She is not a malicious gossip. She is temperate. She is faithful in all things. It’s funny, but I have yet to see a Bible case, notebook cover, or tee shirt adorned with any of these words. I wonder, is it because the 1 Timothy passage is not well-known? Or is it rather that these qualities are too far removed from the average woman to be regarded as stylish? After all, conviction is never in fashion!

However…

Are you up to the challenge of being convicted? Are you willing to go “searching high, searching low, searching everywhere you know” for dignity? Are you ready to become a dignified damsel? If so, today’s article is for you. Let’s look into the three primary characteristics of a damsel of dignity. Firstly, she has a:


Women must likewise be dignified: not malicious gossips. – 1 Timothy 3:11a

A damsel of dignity has a dignified word.

The term “malicious gossips” is a translation of the Greek word, “diabolos”, A.K.A. “devil”, A.K.A. “the accuser”. You might be reminded of a similar English word, “diabolical”, which the dictionary defines as “pertaining to or actuated by a devil; fiendish; outrageously wicked; excruciatingly bad”. What a definition! But none too severe. Women who indulge in the devilry of gossip are following in the footsteps of our fell enemy, the father of lies, Satan himself. Can you name a less dignified role model than that old serpent?

Lest there be any question, I must point out that there is no differentiation between “malicious gossip” and plain old “gossip”. The term “malicious gossips”, though read as two distinct words in our English Bibles, are translated together from that one sobering Greek word, “diabolos”. Malice and gossip go hand in hand, and you cannot separate the twain. Indeed, all gossip is malicious at its core, being of Satan, and even the seemingly harmless gossip (“phluaros” = babbling) of idle busybodies is condemned by God:

At the same time they also learn to be idle, as they go around from house to house; and not merely idle, but also they become gossips and busybodies, talking about things not proper to mention. – 1 Timothy 5:13

Dignified damsels neither spread gossip, nor listen to it. An elegant lady never indulges in the “improper”.

There are several questions we would do well to ask ourselves before we open our mouths to speak about another person. These include, but are not limited to, such questions as:

Would I say these things if the person I am speaking of was standing right here beside me? Have I been given license to speak about this aspect of the person’s life? Do I know with certainty that this topic is approved for sharing? Are the words I’m speaking about this person positive in nature, or negative? Would I want someone else talking about me this way? Are the things I’m saying proven fact? Even if they are proven fact, is it right for me to use someone’s personal life as fodder for my twisted entertainment?

Opening our ears for gossip is just as harmful as opening our mouths for gossip. When we allow someone to speak freely in gossip before us, not only are we providing them a safe space for committing diabolical sin, but we are failing to show integrity by standing up for the one being gossiped about. When someone begins spouting their negative speech, it is our responsibility to nip it in the bud, or evacuate.

When another woman starts unloading her husband’s “many faults” before you, nip it in the bud. Gently remind her that she is commanded to submit to her husband as unto the Lord, and to win him without a word. When a child complains about how “unfair” his parents’ rules are, nip it in the bud. Gently remind him that it is his duty to honor and obey his father and mother. When your neighbor wants to share a bit of “juicy information” with you about their distant relation, nip it in the bud. Gently remind them that it is a glory to overlook a transgression, and that love covers a multitude of sins. Don’t wait around and listen to these folks until they “take it too far”. End it right where it begins, and do not allow Satan a foothold.

Gossip has become such a socially “acceptable” sin in our society – even practiced among church members – that many no longer see this diabolical act for what it is. Gossip is a crime against Heaven and Earth. When will we daughters of Eve say “no more”? Where are the dignified damsels who know that they will give an account for every careless word they speak? (Matthew 12:36) Where are the dignified damsels who will not give ear to – or associate with – a gossip? (Proverbs 20:19) Where are the dignified damsels who would not be so disgraceful to even speak about things done in secret? (Ephesians 5:12)

Let your word be dignified. Don’t be a slave to the malice. Clean your mouth.

Be a damsel of dignity, not a daughter of devilry.

Secondly, a damsel of dignity has a…


Women must likewise be dignified: temperate. – 1 Timothy 3:11b

A damsel of dignity has a dignified will.

The word “temperate” is a translation of the Greek word, “nephalios”, which also means “sober; self-controlled; self-restrained; vigilant”. It carries, too, a connection with sobriety from intoxicating drink (at least in immoderate consumption). In fact, a parallel passage to our theme text, found in Titus 2:3, reads:

Older women likewise are to be reverent in their behavior, not malicious gossips or enslaved to much wine, teaching what is good. (emphasis added)

Dignified damsels are women of moderation. An elegant lady is disciplined and free from addiction.

We live in an addicted world. There’s addiction to mind-altering substances such as drugs and alcohol. There’s addiction to unhealthy habits such as smoking cigarettes and chewing tobacco. But these “big, bad” addictions that so easily come to mind are really only scratching the surface. There’s also addiction to food and beverage. Addiction to smartphones. To social media. Video games. Television. Sex. Fashion. Sleeping. Talking. Receiving compliments. Biting nails. The list could go on and on. My point is, you name it, someone out there is probably addicted to it. While not all of these things are evil in and of themselves, the danger we face is in allowing any of them to become an addiction (or using them in an evil manner).

Being temperate means “one more chip” doesn’t evolve into “two more chips”. It means checking your smartphone out of intention, not out of habit. It means not feeling the need to share every little thing you do on your favorite social media platform. It means not looking up at the clock and realizing you threw half your day away because you got so sucked into your brand new video game. It means putting a limit on how many hours of film blares through your TV screen. It means finding satisfaction in the marriage bed, and not going out looking for the next new fling. It means being prudent with your clothing budget. It means not pressing “snooze” on your alarm 25 times. It means controlling your tongue. It means not craving affirmation from everyone and their brother. It means getting a hold on your nervous habits.

Whatever aspect of life you fail to gain control of, be certain that it will not fail to gain control of you.

By what anyone is overcome, by this he is enslaved. – 2 Peter 2:19b

Addiction is slavery. Yet we who are in Christ can claim victory over vices and break free from bondage!

It was for freedom that Christ set us free; therefore keep standing firm and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery. – Galatians 5:1

When we repent and are baptized, we receive the gift of the Holy Spirit. (Acts 2:38) With the Holy Spirit dwelling within us, we can activate the fruit of the Spirit – which is, in part, self-control. (Galatians 5:22-23) When we exercise self-control, one vital aspect of “temperance”, we become leveled up in perseverance, godliness, brotherly kindness, and love. (2 Peter 1:6-7) So much of our existence is touched by the choice to be temperate! Like the drunkard who kicks his addiction to the curb and finds a job, a family, and self-respect, we turn our whole life around when we “sober up” and wriggle out from the chains that bind us.

Let your will be dignified. Don’t be a slave to the chalice. Clear your brain.

Be a damsel of dignity, not a daughter of devilry.

Thirdly, a damsel of dignity has a…


Women must likewise be dignified: faithful in all things. – 1 Timothy 3:11c

A damsel of dignity has a dignified way.

The word “faithful” is a translation of the Greek word, “pistos”, which also means “trustworthy” or “reliable”. The dictionary defines “faithful” as “true to one’s word; steady in allegiance or affection; strict or thorough in the performance of duty; loyal; constant”. A knightly sort of character, one might say.

I have chosen the faithful way; I have placed your ordinances before me. – Psalm 119:30

“Faithful” is an adjective that warms the heart, isn’t it? A faithful Christian. A faithful husband. A faithful wife. A faithful son. A faithful daughter. A faithful friend. A faithful employee. Etc. Add “faithful” before anyone’s title, and you know you’re describing someone truly special. We love the faithfulness of others. We desire the faithfulness of others. We even expect the faithfulness of others. And so does our Father in Heaven expect faithfulness from us. We are to be “faithful in all things“. Wow! Isn’t that quite a tall order?

Well, in reality it’s quite easy to be faithful to that which holds our affection. How tall is the order to keep faithfully returning to your favorite restaurant? How tall is the order to faithfully show up on time to the movie you’ve been dying to see? How tall is the order to faithfully hone the skill that interests you? And those are just the niche hobbies. How tall is the order to faithfully keep your wedding vows when you love your husband? How tall is the order to faithfully change diapers when you love your baby? How tall is the order to faithfully put food in the dish when you love your pet? Where there is love, faithfulness is natural.

So the more we love, the more faithful we will be. The more we love God and cleave to Him, the more faithful we will be to the Way. Loving and cleaving makes us faithful Christians, faithful wives, faithful mothers, faithful friends…faithful women in every single area of our lives. Faithfulness is another part of that spiritual fruit we can tap into when we get into Christ and take on the Holy Spirit. (Galatians 5:22-23)

Dwell in the land and cultivate faithfulness. – Psalm 37:3b

Dignified damsels are loyal and true. An elegant lady is reliable and can always be counted upon.

Will you always follow through on your word, even though “the faithful disappear from among the sons of men“? (Psalm 12:1) Will you be God’s image-bearer, being one who “remains faithful” even when others “are faithless“? (2 Timothy 2:13) Will you commit to being “faithful until death“, no matter what trials may come your way? (Revelation 2:10) Being a dignified damsel demands this level of constancy.

Let your way be dignified. Be a slave to the palace. Cleave your heart.

Be a damsel of dignity, not a daughter of devilry.

In conclusion…

Like Bob Dylan, do you ever wonder “what it’s going take to find dignity“? Not only can you find dignity itself, but you can find a dignified damsel in yourself by following the pattern laid out in 1 Timothy 3:11!

Are you ready to become a “semnos” (Greek word for “dignified”) lady: august, venerable, honorable?

To fully embody a spirit of dignity, you must possess a cleaned mouth, a cleared brain, and a cleaved heart. You must not be a slave to the malice or a slave to the chalice, but be a slave to the palace. You must shun malicious gossip, embrace temperance, and embrace faithfulness. You must become dignified in your word, in your will, and in your way. This is how you transform into a legendary damsel of dignity.

Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she smiles at the future. – Proverbs 31:25

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

In the Depths of Despair

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The following is an excerpt from the 1985 television miniseries, Anne of Green Gables (based on the Anne of Green Gables book series by Lucy Maud Montgomery). This clip showcases the orphaned heroine, Anne Shirley, during her memorable first meeting with one of her new guardians, Miss Marilla Cuthbert:

Marilla: “You must be hungry.”
Anne: “I can’t eat. I can never eat when I’m in the depths of despair.”
Marilla, baffled by Anne’s dramatics: “‘The depths of despair?‘”
Anne, unaware and uninhibited: “Can you eat when you’re that way?”
Marilla, immovable and impassable: “I’ve never been that way.”
Anne, persistently: “Can’t you even imagine you’re in the depths of despair?”
Marilla, insistently: “No, I cannot. To despair is to turn your back on God.”

Whenever I think of the word “despair”, this poignant scene comes to mind. How often we, like Anne, can find ourselves slipping into “the depths of despair“. When troubles arise, there is a certain unhealthy craving to indulge in the “woe is me” mindset. When we are at our weaker and more childish moments, we practically wallow in our misery. It’s times like these that we need our strong and mature side – the “Marilla” within – to remind us to snap out of the despair, to simply “never be that way”, nor imagine it.

Marilla Cuthbert was not far off the mark with her definition of despair. To “despair” is to lose all hope. If we wallow in “the depths of despair“, we insult God’s faithfulness, hinder our own usefulness, and damage others’ hopefulness. When wallowing becomes custom, our light diminishes into darkness. Instead of “turning our backs on God”, we must acknowledge and accept that trials are to be expected in this present age, and resolve to be “perplexed, but not despairing” when life is unkind. (2 Corinthians 4:8)

Today, I want to share ten simple tips that I find incredibly useful when I am tempted to pull an “Anne Shirley” and sink into “the depths of despair“. If you, at times, battle with feelings of hopelessness and defeat, this one’s for you. May these simple techniques shine a bright light in the deep waters. Tip #1:


I know, I know…telling someone going through a trial to pray, or that we will pray for them, sounds about as cliché as you can get. However, I once heard prayer described this way: “it’s not the least we can do, but the most we can do.” What a lovely reminder! We must realize that talking to The King of Kings and Lord of Lords about our cares and concerns shouldn’t be regarded as a last ditch effort, but as our first line of defense. Sheryl Crow’s song “Light in Your Eyes” puts it like this: “You gotta talk to the one who made you. Talk to the one who understands. Talk to the one who gave you all the light in your eyes.” Yes, indeed. Talking to the one who breathed life into your soul and put the very light in your eyes is one powerful battle strategy. When a tear falls upon your cheek, don’t despair – bow your head and pray. When you feel a surge of discomfort soar through your heart at the thought of your trial, don’t despair – give it to God. Every single time you feel the weight of your burden, seek Him and ask for His help. Our loving Father has an open ear for His little ones. Are you in the depths of despair? Say your prayers!

In my distress I called upon the Lord, yes, I cried to my God; And from His temple He heard my voice, and my cry for help came into His ears. – 1 Samuel 22:7

Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. – James 5:13a

Tip #2:


“Counting our many blessings and naming them one by one” is more than a cute idea to sing about in the pew, it’s an excellent practice for daily life. Spotting our perks is a great way to get our minds off of everything that’s going wrong in our world, and onto everything that’s going right. Now, the idea of counting our blessings can sound like little more than dull routine…like counting sheep before falling off to sleep. What a snore! But did you ever notice how easy it is to “count” things that we truly appreciate? A man, while driving, might exclaim to his passengers, “Whoa, did you see how many Corvettes just drove by?!”, or a woman, while tidying her bedroom, might gush to herself, “just look at all these beautiful clothes lining my closet”, or an exuberant toddler, while at the park, might boast to his playmate, “I had one…two…THREE lollipops yesterday!”. We love to count those things that light us up inside. The key is to allow all the little things in life to catch our attention and delight us…from sunlight pouring through the trees, to cheerful birdsong, to freshly laundered sheets. Are you in the depths of despair? Spot Your Perks!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits. – Psalm 103:2

For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace. – John 1:16

Tip #3:


This tip builds on the previous one, for it also involves taking account of one’s blessings. While Tip #2 focused primarily on our acknowledgement and enjoyment of our “perks”, Tip #3 is about reinforcement of those positive feelings by vocalized praise. Women have a tendency to “think” through speech. When we “talk through” our feelings about something, it often helps us formulate and organize our thoughts, making sense of our otherwise insensible emotions. Unfortunately, many women choose to “talk through” their feelings in an evil and unfruitful manner…using their voices for slandering, gossiping, meddling, complaining, arguing, boasting, male-bashing, etc., and of course these godless activities are to be strictly shunned. But, with careful self-management, “talking through” our feelings can be a useful tool. Have you spotted a perk in your day? Speak! Say, “Thank you, Lord.” Have you received an answer to prayer? Speak! Glorify God by telling someone about it. Have you experienced growth in some area? Speak! Remind yourself how far you’ve come by the grace of God. Are you in the depths of despair? Speak Your Praises!

I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which he has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. – Isaiah 63:7

And a voice came from the throne, saying, “give praise to our God, all you his bond-servants, you who fear Him, the small and the great.” – Revelation 19:5

Tip #4:


I’ve said it before and I say it again now – women have a fabulous knack for remembering. God gifted us helpmeets with the uncanny ability to recall such things as birthdays and anniversaries, family appointments and events, homemaking tips and tricks, and the list goes on. Our little record-playing brains come as a great asset to the family, but they can also get us in a world of trouble if we’re not careful with what records we allow to take up residence in our memory core. When a woman uses her stellar memory to retain negative past experiences, she will do great harm to herself, and quite possibly, to others. (I don’t mean to say that we ought never to remember anything bad – we don’t want to be so forgetful as to become like a dog that returns to its vomit, or a sow to wallowing in the mire – my point is that we should not dwell on these things, playing them back again and again as an unhealthy obsession or addiction.) If we’re constantly looking backward, we can not see our way forward in life. “Yesterday is history”, they say – learn from it, but don’t live in it. Are you in the depths of despair? Stop Your Playbacks!

Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. – Proverbs 4:25

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead. – Philippians 3:13

Tip #5:


When I was a child, my father taught me the oddly effective technique of smiling when I was stuck in a depressive or cantankerous way. It sounds absurd, but flashing your pearly whites when you least feel like it really can help to brighten a bad mood. We are so accustomed to smiling only when happy, that the very act of wearing a smile can trick our brains into believing that everything is a-okay. (Please do not misunderstand: I am not recommending this tip for times of deep anguish such as the death of a loved one, but only for minor trials or merely unpleasant circumstances.) The trick is to smile in a way that looks and feels natural during our joyful moments. Pulling the sides of your mouth up in a pitiful half-frown/half-smile won’t produce the desired effect. You have to smile like you mean it. It might feel ludicrous at first, but the silliness just might make you laugh and help pull you out of your sour mood. “Turn that frown upside down” and show a smile. Maybe soon you’ll find that the only thing keeping you down was the grimace you were wearing before. Are you in the depths of despair? Show Your Pearls!

A man’s wisdom illumines him and causes his stern face to beam. – Ecclesiastes 8:1b

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! – Philippians 4:4

Tip #6:


“Getting your mind off of yourself and onto others” (as my father is wont to say) is a surefire way to rise above pain. By shifting our focus from our own needs to the needs of someone else, the troubles we have can seem as diminished before our very eyes. Now, lest you be overwhelmed by the thought of service, know that “serving your people” doesn’t always have to be a monumental feat. Ordinary acts of service performed in love are praiseworthy. The deeds of the famous Proverbs 31 Woman were as ordinary as they come, and yet she was called virtuous. Many of our deeds are without renown, but nonetheless make our Heavenly Father proud and provide us with personal fulfillment. We serve when we make love to our husbands. We serve when we cook meals for our children. We serve when we write sympathy cards for widows. We serve when we make strangers feel welcome in our presence. We serve when we offer someone a cold drink on a hot day, or a hot drink on a cold day. The more we seek to bring joy to others’ lives, the more joy we will experience in return. Are you in the depths of despair? Serve Your People!

The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered. – Proverbs 11:25

In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” – Acts 20:35

Tip #7:


Brace yourself for another (seemingly) cliché tip, but it’s gotta be said…read your Bible! The scriptures are an indispensable aid to the weary soul. When we realize that Jesus Christ Himself is the Word of God, we realize that getting into the Word is getting into Him. Between the pages of our Bibles, we read accounts of others who were tested and tried in all manner of ways…and persevered through the power of their God. We read of God’s mercy, deliverance, and healing. We read of despair transformed to hope, defeat transformed to victory, and death transformed to life. The Word is no mere relic to collect dust on a shelf – but a living, active, very present help in times of trouble. Along with your Bible, reading high quality books is an excellent tool for pulling one out of despair. Great works of fiction can inspire and ennoble the best in us. I highly recommend the incomparable works of J.R.R. Tolkien. For non-fiction, Debi Pearl and Helen Andelin are invaluable resources. (I may not agree with their every belief, but they are both nearly spot-on when it comes to feminine ethics.) Are you in the depths of despair? Study Your Parchment!

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your word has revived me. – Psalm 119:50

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. – John 1:1

Tip #8:


Our environment can have an immense influence over our emotional well-being, be it for better or for worse. Let’s face it: living in a dump only serves to keep us down in the dumps. See, despair often stems from a lack of control over one’s environment. And while it’s true that we can’t always control the environment in which we live, it shows a lack of character when we neglect to positively impact those areas that are within our control. Sprucing the home is one way we can have a say over our small corner of the world. Will that which is within our control be messy and chaotic? Or will we rather nurture a place of beauty and well-ordered arrangement? Cleaning and tidying our home comes with many benefits. The visual appeal of a spruced home helps us feel at peace. The daily routines help us foster self-discipline. The pleasant atmosphere helps us offer our husbands a restful haven. The faithful and cheerful work ethic helps us introduce Biblical womanhood before our children. The freedom from embarrassment over a filthy home helps us open our door to guests. Are you in the depths of despair? Spruce Your Palace!

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

…encourage the young women to be…workers at home… – excerpt from Titus 2:4-5

Tip #9:


Pets add many smiles to the lives of their masters. And while you will not find me advocating for “emotional support animals” and such like – nor do I buy into the nonsensical notion that “animals are people, too” – I will readily say that pets can bring joy to a troubled heart by way of their adorable antics. Our animals can provide a welcome relief to us when times are tough – for when we place our love upon another living, breathing, creature (whether man or beast), it gets us outside of ourselves and renews our vigor for life. What pet-owner has not felt a surge of joy when seeing their treasured cat or dog frolicking among the leaves? What pet-owner has not temporarily forgotten their anguish when petting their little pal? What pet-owner has not felt their eyes light up in wonder at the arrival of a healthy new litter of puppies or kittens (or bunnies, or hamsters, or lambs, etc. etc.)? A pet does not have the capacity to love its master, yet the love a master gives a pet fills the master’s heart with care for living beings and causes them to magnify and glorify the Master of All Life. Are you in the depths of despair? Snuggle Your Pet!

But now ask the beasts, and let them teach you; and the birds of the heavens, and let them tell you…and let the fish of the sea declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this, in whose hand is the life of every living thing – excerpt from Job 12:7-10

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made… Romans 1:20a

Tip #10:


When we are in despair, lying around feeling sorry for ourselves is what feels natural. But lying around in a spirit of self-pity only breeds more despair. We have to make an effort to get up and get active. When was the last time you played a board game, or a card game, or kicked a ball around in the yard? Some healthy competition with loved ones is a fun way to get the heart racing and the blood pumping. Activity is often just what the doctor ordered when we are in a bad way. In our present day, activity is decreasing and anxiety is increasing. It’s the age of the couch potato! Hours a day are spent on smartphones, and many live essentially inert lives. Let’s be the exception to that lifestyle. It is liberating to free oneself from the chains of modern day technology for much of the day, and participate in some good old-fashioned play. It’s pretty hard to feel down when your brain is wrapped up in keeping a hold on Park Place, remembering to yell “Uno!” or making that hole-in-one. Aside from the benefits to your mental health, playing some games just might benefit your relationships, too. Are you in the depths of despair? Score Your Points!

And the streets of the city will be filled with boys and girls playing in the streets. – Zechariah 8:5

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. – 1 Corinthians 9:24-25

In conclusion…

Have you ever been in “the depths of despair“? I know I have. Unlike the exemplary and dearly admired character of Marilla Cuthbert from Anne of Green Gables, I cannot claim that I have “never been that way”, nor imagined it. Rather, I have mimicked Anne Shirley’s character on too many occasions. I have at times felt crippled by grief, I have wallowed in misery, and I have dressed my wounds with the poisonous balm of self-pity. I have at times been so overcome by bitter circumstance, that going on another day seemed a nearly impossible feat. But by God’s grace, on dark days, the “Marilla” within has reminded me:

  • Say Your Prayers
  • Spot Your Perks
  • Speak Your Praises
  • Stop Your Playbacks
  • Show Your Pearls
  • Serve Your People
  • Study Your Parchment
  • Spruce Your Palace
  • Snuggle Your Pet, and
  • Score Your Points

May these ten tips serve to pull you out of the abyss on your dark days, as well.

Do not despair, damsel. Lift your eyes to the mountains where your help is found, and never give up hope.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. – Psalm 43:5

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

His Wish is My Command

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Children born of fairy stock
Never need for shirt or frock,
Never want for food or fire,
Always get their heart’s desire:
Jingle pockets full of gold,
Marry when they’re seven years old.
Every fairy child may keep
Two strong ponies and ten sheep;
All have houses, each his own,
Built of brick or granite stone;
They live on cherries, they run wild–
I’d love to be a Fairy’s child.

– “I’d Love to Be a Fairy’s Child” by Robert Graves

When I was a little girl, this poem was among my personal favorites. I was enchanted by the idea of being a fairy (or “faerie”, as my old-fashioned heart prefers to spell it – in the traditional Anglo-Saxon style). Part of my affection for this poem may also have stemmed from the line “marry when they’re seven years old”, since as long as I can remember, my deepest desire was to be a wife. I surely would have married at the ripe old age of seven if given the option; pity I wasn’t born one of those oh-so-fortunate mythical beings of which Robert Graves wrote! If only I were a faerie, perhaps I might have found my husband sooner and loved him longer. (I confess, I’ve always had a touch of hopeless romanticism.) Ah well, a girl can dream!

At about ten years old, a church friend and I were “hired” for an afternoon of cleaning in my parents’ general store. My mother assured us that if we showed forth good work ethic, my friend and I could each pick out some candy plus anything else in the store that struck our fancy (up to a certain dollar amount). For some time, I had been eyeballing an exquisite, silver-lined, plush-covered book my parents had for sale. It was all about different kinds of faeries; complete with whimsical poetry and charming pictures. My friend and I put all our efforts into making my parents’ store sparkle and shine, and we two girls both walked out of the store that day as the proud new owners of the last two volumes left in stock of A Deluxe Book of Flower Fairies by Cicely Mary Barker. We spent hours poring over those books in all their glory.

My affinity for faeries followed me from early childhood on into my teen years, during which I dubbed the two young daughters of a family friend, “my little faeries”. This was considered the highest compliment in all the world to those girls, who embraced the magic wholeheartedly. Playing “faeries” became our special game whenever they would pay us a visit, and between the three of us, we were called “Tree Faerie”, “Flower Faerie”, and “Mushroom Faerie”, respectively. Even our brothers (their elder, and my younger) wanted to join in on the fun, so after much consideration on my part, they were designated the “tree hoppers”. We five had many delightful adventures as guardians of the trees, flowers, and mushrooms.

As an older teen, I took on the social media handle, “The Auburn Faerie”, which I was using at the time I met my husband. He found the name alluring, and during our courtship days he wrote me a love poem entitled, “What Do Faeries Do?”, about a man discovering a faerie while taking a walk through the forest. In the poem, the man is so captivated by the faerie and curious about her kind, that he continues to wonder within himself just exactly what it is that faeries are all about, and what that might mean for him.

You might be wondering: how does all this tie into today’s lesson? Well, a while back, I was pondering the phrase, “your wish is my command”. It’s quite a pleasant phrase when you think about it. When one says these warm words in response to a request, they are affirming that they are eager and willing to be of service to another. They are saying that they don’t have to be bribed or threatened or coerced into action…they simply hear the desire of the other person and consider it their solemn duty to fill it out of love. Sounds a bit like the heart of a submissive wife towards her man, does it not? “His wish is my command” is certainly a worthy maxim for the Christian wife to live by. Now, when I think of the word, “wish”, a connection comes to mind. I automatically link this word to – can you guess? – faeries! The enchantment of my youth. I am reminded of the long forgotten question: “What Do Faeries Do?” Instantly, the answer is there. Why, they grant wishes, of course! Just like wives of excellence seek to do for their husbands. Perhaps I really can be a faerie after all?! Thus, the idea for His Wish is My Command is born.

What are faeries (wives) all about, and what do they have to offer to the world of men (their husbands)? Today’s article seeks to answer, in three points, these musings which my husband put forth all those years ago by way of a little love poem. If you would be the “magic” in your husband’s life, then stick around. Let’s look at three truths that stand the test of time, concerning the dealings between faeries and men.

Faerie Fact #1:

The fairies, as is their custom, clapped their hands with delight over their cleverness, and they were so madly in love with the little house that they could not bear to think they had finished it. So they gave it ever so many little extra touches, and even then they added more extra touches.

– J.M Barrie, Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens

J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, creator of Tinkerbell, and presumably the authority on faeries, portrayed his little winged ladies as those who love to learn. Cleverness was a delight to these faeries, and they felt so fulfilled by having conquered a newly learned skill (in this case, the building of a house) that they wanted to keep adding to and perfecting the work they had done. A Christian wife can glean a lot from this fictional example. Do we share the faeries’ fervor for learning, especially in regard to our husbands?

If we are to be women whose motto is “his wish is my command”, our first step is to learn what our husband’s wishes are in the first place. There are two basic ways to do this: 1.) asking him, or 2.) observing him. I find the latter approach to be most effective, most of the time. While some husbands are more vocal about their desires, the vast majority of men are not “talkers”. The average man would much rather his wife ascertain his wishes by observation and learning, rather than by goading him for his opinion on every little thing. A good wife asks her husband’s wishes, but a great wife knows her husband’s wishes. This knowing does not happen overnight, but it is built “order on order…line on line…a little here, a little there…” over the course of a godly marriage. And if you love to learn, you’re already off to a great start.

A common marital mishap women make is to submit to their men only in the “big things”. Many a wife lives in such a way that says to her husband “my wish is my command”. She goes where she pleases, dresses how she likes, indulges in hobbies she prefers, befriends who she fancies, etc. in her everyday life, but (if her husband is lucky) she’ll submit to him when it comes to a massive life decision, such as what new town to move to…and this after many a long discussion and persuasion on the part of her husband. Since husbands and wives reflect the relationship between Christ and His church, this kind of “submission” is akin to a Christian telling Jesus, “I’ll submit to you in the really big decisions like getting baptized and saving sex for marriage, but for the other 99% of my life I’ll be following my own wishes”. Unacceptable.

If we are to be virtuous help meets, we must have an attitude of submission to our husbands in all things, both great and small. We must approach every area of life in a “his wish is my command” sort of way. Whether by asking or observing, we must seek to discover our husband’s wishes so that we can grant them. There are innumerable questions we can ask ourselves each day. The 5 W’s is a great starting point:

Who does my husband want me to be? What does my husband want me to do? When does he want me to do it? Where does he want me to spend my time? Why does he react the way he does to certain behaviors? These 5 categories should address most, if not all, of his wishes. Ask yourself these kinds of questions as you go about your day, and your marriage will flourish. If you learn your man’s desires, and if you have a soft and submissive heart, fulfilling them will be a breeze. After all, “knowing is half the battle”!

“What do faeries do?” We love to learn our husbands. We “clap our hands with delight over our cleverness“, we “cannot bear to think we have finished“, we add “ever so many little extra touches” to his home, and “even then add more extra touches“. We are in a constant state of observing, learning, adjusting, and perfecting. We bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life when we love to learn.

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband… – Proverbs 12:4a

Faerie Fact #2:

Tink was not all bad: or, rather, she was all bad just now, but, on the other hand, sometimes she was all good. Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time. They are, however, allowed to change, only it must be a complete change.

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

This quote made me chuckle, because it is so true about “faeries” – the wifely variety, that is. Members of the fairer sex have proven time and time again, since the Garden of Eden, to be creatures led greatly by emotion…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. The capacity to love passionately and hate venomously both reside within our feminine makeup. And just like Little Miss Tinkerbell, we “unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time“. Sadly, many nurture feelings of hatred for their husbands. But feelings are fickle things, and, thankfully, we are “allowed to change, only it must be a complete change“.

All the marriage gurus will tell you that “love is a choice”. I believe this to be true. I also believe that “love is a feeling”. This is not a contradiction, because choices and feelings are not mutually exclusive. When you love to learn your husband (a mighty fine choice), you learn to love your husband (a mighty fine feeling). When choices and feelings are in tandem, a healthy, happy, holy, harmonious marriage ensues.

Helen Andelin, author of Fascinating Womanhood (a cherished book of mine that comes highly recommended), wrote and spoke on many exemplary traits of the “fascinating” wife. Two of these go hand-in-hand with loving to learn and learning to love. These two traits are: acceptance and admiration. Acceptance means loving a man in spite of his flaws. Admiration means loving a man because of his virtues. Together, they mean loving the whole man. Do you accept and admire your husband?

When you make the choice to accept your husband for who he is right now, flaws and all, it will allow your heart and eyes to open up and see his good qualities. We must choose acceptance in order to feel admiration. Has there yet been upon this earth a husband so foul that not one good quality could be found within him? If perchance that may be, I pity the wife married to such a beast. I will venture to guess, however, that most women who read this article are married to men who possess a myriad of qualities, both good and bad. I adjure these women to stop focusing on the bad and start looking for the good.

Is your husband morally upright? Is he wise? Is he kind? Is he patient? Is he disciplined? Is he selfless? If you can say yes to one or more of these questions, you hardly need any admonishment to admire your husband…certainly you chose well and belong to a man of stalwart character! But if your husband is not a Christian, or at least not strong in his spiritual attributes, perhaps he possesses some positive social traits. Is your husband successful in his career? Is he intelligent? Can he be depended upon to solve problems? Does he run a budget? Can he give a good speech? Lean into those skills and praise them! Even if he lacks good social skills, perhaps he is, at the least, somatically sound. Does he bring home a paycheck? Can he lift a heavy load? Would he defend the home against an intruder? Is he a capable driver? Does he have a warm embrace? Is he physically appealing? Admire these qualities…make him feel like a man.

“What do faeries do?” We learn to love our husbands. We accept their bad qualities, knowing that wives are not given the power of authority over their husbands, but rather the power of influence – to “win without a word”. We admire their good qualities, knowing that a wife’s approval can do much to make or break a man’s self-worth. We bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life when we learn to love.

…encourage the young women to love their husbands… – Titus 2:4a

Faerie Fact #3:

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

It is claimed in J.M. Barrie’s lore, “every time a child says that they don’t believe in faeries, there is a faerie somewhere that falls down dead”. And if a faerie is fading and on the brink of death, nothing is so healing as the words, “I do believe in faeries“, accompanied by a hearty clap of the hands. Certainly this sentiment also rings true for wives, as nothing feels quite so hopeless as being rejected; nothing so life-giving as being believed in and loved. What woman would not yearn for her husband to say, “I do believe in you”?

If you would have your husband regard and treat you as his faerie queen, you know what you need to do. Sow seeds of learning and seeds of loving into your marriage, and you will reap a bountiful harvest. Forsake the destructive path of “my wish is my command”. This mindset is the way of the world – the way that exalts women and children into positions of power and stomps men under their feet. The way that leads to sin and sorrow – unhappy men, unhappy women, unhappy children, broken families, broken churches, and broken nations. How much better to follow The Way – the path set forth in God’s word? Take this path, and not only will your husband be well-pleased in you, but the King of Kings will be, also. Foster a gentle and quiet spirit – the innocent essence of a faerie – for this is precious in the sight of God.

“What do faeries’ husbands do?” They learn and love their faeries. They cannot help but to be won over by the subtle charms of the faerie folk: submissive faerie hearts, soft faerie mannerisms, and stunning faerie appearances, all wrapped up in sweet little faerie packages. A man who is fortunate enough to be in possession of such a rare and hard-to-find treasure will soon find himself saying, “I do believe in faeries! I do! I do!” When we bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life, we will be learned and loved.

Her husband…he praises her, saying: “many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” – Proverbs 31:28b-29

In conclusion…

“What do faeries do?” They love to learn, they learn to love, and in turn, they are learned and loved.

If you would bring the sparkle and magic to your husband’s life, then you must become a faerie who says “his wish is my command“. Adopt this as your mantra, and your husband will certainly come to feel that:

All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.