The little blue engine looked up at the hill.
His light was weak, his whistle was shrill.
He was tired and small, and the hill was tall,
And his face blushed red as he softly said,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

So he started up with a chug and a strain,
And he puffed and pulled with might and main.
And slowly he climbed, a foot at a time,
And his engine coughed as he whispered soft,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”

With a squeak and a creak and a toot and a sigh,
With an extra hope and an extra try,
He would not stop-now he neared the top-
And strong and proud he cried out loud,
“I think I can, I think I can, I think I can!”

He was almost there when- CRASH! SMASH! BASH!
He slid down and mashed into engine hash
On the rocks below…which goes to show
If the track is tough and the hill is rough,
THINKING you can just ain’t enough!

– The Little Blue Engine by Shel Silverstein

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This ill-fated tale reminds me of how so many people approach marriage with eagerness and excitement, only to have their “love” ultimately fizzle out and end in divorce. The words “til death do us part” are said so easily, so readily…and yet too often in our world this vow is not taken seriously…and is quickly broken.

Contrary to the words flippantly spoken at the altar, more marriages are dissolved by the devil than by death. Countless couples have allowed Satan to creep into their marriage lives and steal their joy. Why? How is divorce so widespread? Why isn’t love enduring until the end? What happened to make the love of so many “disappear”?

Furthermore, could this happen to you or me?

As christian women, we don’t ever want to find ourselves standing in line at divorce court…we want to have a love that endures through eternity! Each of us would most likely agree, yet words are easily spoken and easily broken. How are we going to make sure that our marriages last?

Today we will embark on a three part journey to see just how you or I might foolishly send our marriage lives down the tubes. Here are three “matrimonial mishaps” we want to make sure to avoid…

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Matrimonial Mishap # 1: Silliness

Many of the problems women face in marriage simply arise from their naiveté. Perhaps we didn’t have a good example set before us as we grew up, and we have a lot to learn about what it takes to be a good wife. Alternately, even if we did have a good example to follow, learning our individual men and how to serve them can be a real challenge at times! Learning a man can take years (less if we take it seriously)…either way it is well worth the time invested.

Now we all have to start somewhere, and we all will naturally be a little silly at first when marriage is new to us. Yet we should not stay silly very long! Every wife needs to make it her utmost priority in marriage to learn her man. Until she properly learns him, she can not properly love him. There are many wives who believe that they love their husband wholeheartedly…yet their husband does not feel loved. How can this be? Here’s the problem…

He is not being loved the way he needs to be loved.

We can not expect to show our husbands love in the way we as women want to be loved. A man’s needs are distinctly different from that of a woman! It is not for us to set out to change our men to fit a feminine mold…that will never work. It is our job to find out how to love our men in the unique and special ways that they desire in their masculinity.

– Do you know what things make your husband happy? If not, today is the day to find out.

Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth. – 2 Timothy 2:15

Pay special attention to the things your husband voices. Men aren’t typically like women in sharing everything that comes to their mind with their spouse! Their words, while generally few, really mean something. Most everything a man says is in some way methodically calculated to reach a desired goal. So think hard…what has your husband been hinting to you? Here are some questions to ask yourself about your man:

-What are his favorite activities?
-What are his favorite meals?
-What kind of movies does he like to watch with you?
-Does he prefer your hair long, or short…up, or down?
-Does he like his woman in dresses, or jeans and a tee-shirt?
-Does he like you to goof off a lot, or be serious most of the time?
-Is he a man who needs some alone time, or does he want you constantly by his side?
-How often does he want to have sex…once a year, three times a day?

Girl, if you don’t easily know the answers to these questions you’ve got some learning to do! Remember this…if you love to learn him, you will learn to love him.

Even as love crowns you so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. – Kahlil Gibran (1923)

A man needs a wife who is savvy, not silly.

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Matrimonial Mishap # 2: Selfishness

When women don’t mature from silliness, they will inevitably move into a state of selfishness. It’s just a fact. If we don’t spend our time learning our husband and growing into his dream woman, we will instead grow into an independent, self-made, self-absorbed woman. We don’t want to allow this to happen, for you know what they say about teaching an old dog new tricks…

One of the most basic christian trademarks is a spirit of selflessness and the art of putting others first. How can we lose sight of this when it comes to our husbands whom we are to serve as unto Christ on earth? When I speak with other women about serving their husbands, I am frequently met with this question: “but what about ME?” Honestly, it’s not for us to ask such an irreverent question.  I hate to burst anyone’s 21st century bubble, but the “Me-First” delusion is not of God. I know I weary of this attitude and it’s so much more appalling to our Lord who made women to be servants to their husbands.

When we have moved from silliness to selfishness we have moved past even caring at all about what our husbands want. His words now go in one ear and out the other, for in our lack of love for him we grew more in love with ourselves. When we are selfish it becomes so easy to justify our own behavior by demonizing his.

Every way of a man (or in our case, woman) is right in his own eyes. – Proverbs 12:15a, 21:2a [emphasis mine]

“I know my husband would like to have sex with me every day, but what a dog! Only a sicko would want it that much…he needs to learn to control his urges like *I* do.”

If this is your view of sex, you are looking through the wrong lens – a feminine one! Wake up…you did not marry yourself, you married a MAN. Just because you may not want or need sex certainly does not mean that he doesn’t. He needs sex far more than you can wrap your mind around. Will you not have the common decency to fulfill a hunger that, might I remind you, only YOU can provide for him?

“He likes my hair kept long but I like it short. I felt it was time for a change, so I went to the salon and got it chopped off. I mean, it’s my head, not his! If he likes long hair so much he can grow his own out!”

I hear this attitude a lot…some women feel stifled by their husband’s style so they justify taking matters into their own hands in the name of “it’s my body”, or “it’s my hair”, or “it’s my nails”, or whatever the particular contention may be. Truthfully, we are not our own. We are to submit to our husbands as unto the Lord…so would this be our response to God? “It’s my body Lord, stop trying to control me”…how juvenile and dishonoring! Show respect to your husband by styling yourself to his preference.

“I’m tired of him telling me what to do with my money. *I* earned it, so *I* will choose how, where, and when I spend it. He needs to mind his own business.”

If you had a “thus saith the Lord” on how to spend your money, would you heed it? I’m telling you now, you do. When your husband has disallowed you to spend money in a certain way, it doesn’t matter who earned it. Our assets ultimately belong to the Lord, not to ourselves. In the same way, our husbands (as God-ordained rulers over us) gets to have the say on how we spend or save our finances.

These are just a few examples of how our view of our husbands may be skewed by our society. It’s time for us to break away from the dishonoring habits of our culture and instead grasp on to the life the Lord wishes for us to lead. This means in many ways, dying to self.

Maybe you can’t stand the thought of “catering to your husband’s every whim”. Maybe your husband is the biggest jerk in town, and you despise him. I feel so sorry for women who find themselves in this situation, but we must still stand by what the Bible says. A woman who is married to an unkind man will have a heavier cross to bear, but through Christ she can gain the victory.

For if ye love them which love you, what thank have ye? for sinners also love those that love them. – Luke 6:32

We are to show love to our husbands at all times, whether or not they have shown us love, or we regard them as “deserving”.

…I will very gladly spend and be spent for you; though the more abundantly I love you, the less I be loved. – 2 Corinthians 12:15

Did you catch that? “GLADLY be spent for you”…even though the more I love you the less I am loved?? Oh, but if only this were the attitude of every wife, divorce would scarcely be heard of. Instead, we are so selfish much of the time, and that is what gets us in to so much trouble! The carnal world says “do unto others as they have done unto you”, but this is not the way of the Lord’s people. A christian woman will be subdued to her husband even if he is unkind, uncaring, or insensitive. She will do the right thing, because she knows that she must only take accountability for her own behavior, not her husband’s.

If we buckle under the authority of our husbands, surely we will not be able to withstand the firm authority of God. We must learn how to be completely subdued under our husband’s hand, or we will never learn to be subdued to Christ.

When you love you wish to do things for. You wish to sacrifice for. You wish to serve. – Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell To Arms (1929)

A man needs a wife who is serving, not selfish.

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Matrimonial Mishap # 3: Spitefulness

There are women who are naïve about their husband’s needs. There are women who are indifferent about their husband’s needs. Even more shameful than these are the women who are hateful and vindictive about their husband’s needs.

When Love is suppressed Hate takes its place. – Havelock Elliss (1937)

Men [and women] are more prone to revenge injuries than to requite kindnesses. – Thomas Fuller (1732)

Sadly, many times when a wife neglects her husband, it results in him falling out of love and/or finding a new flame. Now I do not commend this, but I am not here to preach to husbands. I am here to help wives to do their part in preventing such events. Each of us can only do our best in marriage and the other spouse has to take responsibility for their own actions.

When a woman has turned a blind eye to her husband’s needs for so long, she will come to completely resent him and forget why she married him in the first place. That silly young wife who did not study her husband and learn how to please him will become more and more selfish until one day she is a spiteful, bitter old nag bent on “getting even” with her friend-turned-enemy. Satan will not neglect to use this bitterness to rip apart a marriage.

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. – Romans 12:19

We must remember that we are one with our spouse, so the shots we fire at our husbands will certainly do us harm as well. When we isolate ourselves from our husbands and play childish games we are not so much hurting him as we are hurting ourselves.

A man [or woman] that studieth revenge keeps his own wounds green, which otherwise would heal and do well. – Francis Bacon (1625)

It is folly to punish your neighbor by fire when you live next door. – Publilius Syrus (1st C. B.C. 910)

If we say we love our husbands but harbor spitefulness in our hearts, we are kidding ourselves. In the words of the classic Led Zeppelin hit “Stairway to Heaven”, let each of us endeavor “to be a rock, and not to roll.” We are going to experience hardship in our marriages, it’s true. Yet because of our Lord, we can find the strength to carry on. That’s what love does best.

Love is not love
Which alters when it alteration finds,
Or bends with the remover to remove.
O, no! It is an ever-fixed mark,
That looks on tempests and is never shaken.
It is the star to every wandering bark,
Whose worth’s unknown,
Although his height be taken.

– William Shakespeare

Many waters cannot quench love, neither can the floods drown it… – Song of Solomon 8:7a

Love is an act of endless forgiveness, a tender look which becomes a habit. – Peter Ustinov (1958)

A man needs a wife who is sympathetic, not spiteful.

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Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? – Romans 8:35

Remember, the way we honor our husbands is a direct reflection of our honor for God. Try putting your husband in this verse, as husbands are to be to wives as Christ in the flesh:

What will separate me from my husband? Will hard times, depression, arguments, financial hardship, lack of material items, frustrating moments, or divorce separate me from him? Say it with me, a resounding NO! None of these things will separate me from my husband…he is the love of my life, my leader, my king. I will not be moved by silliness, selfishness, or spitefulness. I will follow my husband all the days of my life!

Hatred paralyzes life; love releases it. Hatred confuses life; love harmonizes it. Hatred darkens life; love illumines it. – Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. (1963)

The course of true love never did run smooth. – William Shakespeare

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

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If you your lips would keep from slips,
Five things observe with care:
Of whom you speak, to whom you speak,
And how and when and where.

If you your ears would save from jeers,
These things keep meekly hid:
Myself and I, and mine and my,
And how I do and did.

– “Our Lips & Ears”, The Book of Virtues by William J. Bennett

– Are you tired of engaging in dull, meaningless conversation?

– Would you like to communicate more effectively with others?

– Do you wish to glorify God with every discussion?

Then stay tuned! Today we will consider what it takes to be a conversationalist after God’s own heart. Colloquy (that is to say, conversation) that is constructive does not come naturally for most of us. Unfortunately, it is our natural tendency in our conversations to be inconsiderate and selfish – highly interested in ourselves, apathetic towards others, and irritated when the tables are turned. These traits of course do not make for a desirable companion!

As christians, we are to make the most of every opportunity in which to bring Christ to others. One of the most simple yet powerful ways to do so is through our colloquy. Since it is such a useful tool, we ought to know how to use it, and how to use it well. Colloquy is a learned skill…it must be practiced to perfection. Now we needn’t be apprehensive – we can know conversational success by looking to the scriptures for guidance. To be constructive, the colloquy we engage in with others must only adhere to a very simple pattern which can be found in James 1:19…

Come, let us consider the three vital qualities required for us to attain Constructive Colloquy.

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1. Ears That Hear

To hear = to listen, to perceive.

“Let every man be swift to hear…”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who listen.

Girls, if we don’t ever listen, we don’t ever learn…and if we don’t ever learn, we don’t ever grow. Listening is as essential to Christianity as water is to the human body. Listening brings life and growth. Without the quality of listening ears we could not believe, obey the gospel call, or follow God’s commands. Without listening we would know nothing, do nothing, and be nothing. Yet so often, our ears become lazy. When others speak, our minds can drift to other topics. We might think about what we’re doing later that day, or what we’re going to say next. This is where we must take our thoughts captive and block out all else except what the other person is saying.

There is a difference between truly listening and waiting for your turn to talk. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

Listening is more than simply being silent as the other person speaks. Listening involves intent focus. This can be difficult, because many times when we are not intently focused, it is because we are disinterested. What can we do…how can we change our hearts to be interested in others?

We need to understand the benefits that can come about as a result of listening. It is not enough to listen because it is the nice thing to do…what is going to motivate us to have listening ears is knowing what exactly happens when we listen…

• We gain knowledge. If we are having a conversation with someone who is outside the faith, it is important to comprehend his point of view. If we don’t have much knowledge about the outside world, our credibility with other people goes down in spades. Be aware and listen to what non-believers think and have to say about us. It can greatly help us to examine our own faith as well as know where they are at and what they need from us.
• We gain understanding. Perhaps we are talking to someone who is going through a difficult time or has gone astray in their faith. These people are in a fragile state and need to know that we care about them. Sometimes we all need someone who is willing to listen to our plight without fear that they will brush us off and judge us harshly. We need to learn to be that person that can be leaned upon in times of trouble. When we listen to a hurting individual, not only can it serve to soothe their hurt, but it can teach us values like kindness and compassion that we may otherwise be sorely lacking in.
• We gain wisdom. If we are having a conversation with other Christians, we ought to regard the wisdom that our brethren have to share as invaluable. It can be exciting to share new things we have learned from God’s word, but we need to be sure to keep silence at times and lend an ear to our brothers and sisters in Christ so that we can learn from them. It is especially important to remember to listen even when a brother or sister rubs us the wrong way. Some people can be rude and abrasive, but that does not relinquish us from our duty to listen to them. We need to learn to focus more on the message than the messenger.

Big egos have little ears. – Robert Schuller

Consider the magnitude of this truth: God inclines His ear to us here on earth! Would we consider ourselves above Him?

He that planted the ear, shall he not hear? He that formed the eye, shall he not see? – Psalm 94:9

The eyes of the Lord are upon the righteous, and his ears are open unto their cry. – Psalm 34:15

The most important motivation for listening to others should be in following in the footsteps of our Lord. God regards those who listen as wise, but those who close their ears as fools.

A wise man will hear, and will increase learning; and a man of understanding shall attain unto wise counsels. – Proverbs 1:5

Speak not in the ears of a fool: for he will despise the wisdom of thy words. – Proverbs 23:9

Therefore it is come to pass, that as he cried, and they would not hear; so they cried, and I would not hear, saith the Lord of hosts. – Zechariah 7:13

You might be thinking that listening is just not a skill you are gifted with. It may be that your personality is flighty and your mind quickly jumps from one topic to the next. Yet remember, constructive colloquy is learned…and anyone can become a great listener if they set their heart towards it. Consider that Jesus defied natural law, healing the eyes and ears of those who were physically blind and deaf. While we can not perform miraculous physical healings in this dispensation, we can defy the natural law of our worldly flesh in a spiritual way. If we are deaf spiritually, we can be healed if we will choose to walk in newness of life!

Then the eyes of the blind shall be opened, and the ears of the deaf shall be unstopped. – Isaiah 35:5

Hear, ye deaf; and look, ye blind, that ye may see. – Isaiah 42:18

Be encouraged friends…spiritual deafness is 100% curable.

Hear ye, and give ear; be not proud: for the Lord hath spoken. – Jeremiah 13:15

Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David. – Isaiah 55:3

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2. Lips That Near

To near = To close in; to approach.

“Let every man be…slow to speak”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who know when to be silent.

Talking uncontrollably is closely associated with poor listening skills, yet it is still very much a negative character trait of its very own. We can be great listeners, and still struggle with over-speaking at times.

If to talk to oneself when alone is folly, it must be doubly unwise to listen to oneself in the presence of others. – Baltasar Gracian (1647)

Talking too much often stems from pride. Subconsciously, perhaps we believe that we are so interesting and knowledgeable that we deserve to have the floor the majority of the time. How selfish! This certainly does not draw people to want to converse with us. Now sometimes we truly do have important thoughts to express…and when this is true, by all means SPEAK! Yet even then it is not good to completely overwhelm the other person, stretching their listening skills to the limits. Furthermore, there are many times in life when speaking at all is folly. These include…

• When we are given to complaints. One of the easiest times to speak is when in a sour mood. Isn’t this disgraceful? I have found that when I am unhappy, if I allow myself to give in to venting I might say ungrateful things I would not say if I had waited until I righted my perspective. Once complaining sets in, it continues in rapid snowball effect. We can always find something to be upset about, but on the flip side we can always find something to rejoice about. If we are in a mood to dwell on the former, it’s best to zip our lips.
• When we are given to gossip. While we may not categorize it as such, talking about others is a lust. It can stroke our ego when we put others down, and therefore we keep doing it to reach that peculiar high. Gossip can become such a part of our lives that we hardly recognize that we are gossiping. Yet we must nip this sinful habit in the bud…before we become unfruitful and unholy busybodies! It has been said that if we are not posing a solution for a problem, we should not be talking about it. Similarly, the band Coldplay posed this question in their hit song, “Clocks”: “Am I a part of the cure, or am I part of the disease?” What a powerful question that we should continually ask ourselves!
• When we are given to divulgence. For those who are extroverted, it might be a struggle to keep things inside that beg to be shared. Sharing information can be harmless at times, but other times can be very dangerous. Discretion is a valuable trait, especially in a woman who can be more apt to talk based on her feelings than what is logical. It is generally the wise thing to consult with your husband (or if unmarried, your father or another trusted adult) before sharing things that might be better left unsaid.

You have two ears and one mouth, and you should use them in those proportions – Chinese Proverb

A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards. – Proverbs 29:11

…a fool’s voice is known by multitude of words. – Ecclesiastes 5:3b

If we are always talking, we mute out others and we mute out God. Furthermore, we can go so far as to sin with our mouth by complaining, gossiping, or divulging…and of course engaging in any foolish speech that is contrary to Christian values. When in doubt, mum’s the word!

Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles. – Proverbs 21:23

Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips. – Psalm 141:3

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3. Spirits That Steer

To steer = To guide; to direct a course.

“Let every man…be slow to wrath.”

To attain Constructive Colloquy, we must become women who seek after peace.

Constructive Colloquy is all about finding that perfect balance in conversation. Nobody likes talking to a brick wall, nor do they like not being able to get a word in edgewise. Just enough listening and just enough speaking will keep anger and frustration at bay from both parties.

In the spirit of Galatians 5, it takes the fruit of the spirit to be a good conversationalist:

• Do you love the person talking to you enough to find joy in hearing their point of view?
• Might you exercise a little goodness and self control by holding your tongue at times?
• Would you forbear, having patience as you (attentively) wait your turn to talk?
• Will you allow kindness and gentleness to keep you from interrupting?
• These are the things that promote peace in a conversation.

Above all, let your conversation always point to Jesus. Colloquy not led by God’s spirit can hardly be called constructive. Rather it is crude, void of purpose, and even rooted in wickedness. Remove yourself from the presence of those who would refuse to see the light and only bring you down. This is not profitable for you or them, but merely a waste of precious time. Politely remove yourself and seek after that which will build up and edify.

Cease, my son, to hear the instruction that causeth to err from the words of knowledge. – Proverbs 19:27

For the ear trieth words, as the mouth tasteth meat. – Job 34:3

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I hope that this lesson has helped you to examine the skills you currently possess as a conversationalist. I am constantly having to work on myself in this area, and I’m sure it is something we all struggle with at times. Let us talk to God about this and ask Him for wisdom. Remember, we must in every conversation bring ears that hear, lips that near, and spirits that steer. These are the qualities we must have to attain…Constructive Colloquy.

Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath. – James 1:19

Then they that feared the Lord spake often one to another…Malachi 3:16a

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.