A lady had a circle of friends for whom she really wanted to buy Christmas presents. Time slipped away and it was so busy at work for her she just wasn’t able to get to the store to purchase those gifts. Time was running out. So not too many days before Christmas she decided to give up on the gift idea and just buy everybody the same beautiful Christmas card. She went to the local gift store and hurriedly went through the now picked over stack of cards and found a box of fifty, just exactly what she wanted. She didn’t take time to read the message, she just noticed a beautiful cover on it and there was gold around it and a floral appearance on the front of the card and she thought, That’s perfect. So she signed all of them, “With all my love.” As New Year’s came and she had time to go back to two or three cards she didn’t send from that stack, she was shocked to read the message inside. It said, in a little rhyme, “This Christmas card is just to say, a little gift is on its way.”

– From Swindoll’s Ultimate Book of Illustrations & Quotes by Charles R. Swindoll

Oops! This lady’s Christmas shopping “shortcut” – like most shortcuts – didn’t end up saving her any time in the long run, but only prolonged the inevitable: she was now beholden to purchase gifts for her friends. (A spiritual connection could be drawn from this tale also, concerning the need to look beyond outward appearance and focus on the message within, but that truth extends beyond the scope of today’s article.) In short, entering into the holiday season without a bit of planning can result in unnecessary frustrations.

This December, I aim to reduce some of those frustrations by presenting you with your very own 2024 Gift Giving Guide. (Now, before you get too excited, this article does not include a copy of the coveted Sears Christmas Catalog. You’ll likely have to pry one of those babies out of your neighbor’s cold, dead fingers.) Today, I bring before you 5 simple steps that I hope will guide you through your Christmas list with ease. We will use the 5 W’s to help us along. Firstly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Who am I buying for?

• What is the age of the recipient? When buying gifts, try to avoid items that are decidedly too young or too old for the person you’re giving to. If you must lean more to one end of the spectrum, err on the side of too old…at least they can grow into it (whether in physical size or emotional maturity). We humans grow up, but we don’t grow down. Therefore, a gift that is too young is virtually useless. If you missed the window on giving a present to a certain individual before they outgrew it, simply pass it along to someone else for whom it is more age appropriate. Now keep in mind, even though there is some wiggle room regarding items a person can “grow into”, gifts that are too old can have their limits as well. (i.e. Gifting a voucher for a free oil change probably won’t make your three year old grandson’s day any more than a baby doll would enthrall your sixteen year old niece. Neither extreme is desirable.) If the recipient has outgrown your gift, on it goes to someone younger. And if the recipient is unable to enjoy the item for one year or more? Save it back for a future Christmas!

• What is the gender of the recipient? In today’s sex-confused world, it’s more important than ever for Christians to draw the line between what a male is and what he does, and what a female is and what she does. One small yet significant way you can support Biblical Gender Ethics is by giving items that are in alignment with the recipient’s assigned-before-birth gender. While certain items are undoubtedly gender neutral (snacks, cash, gift cards…to name a few), there are many other items that are (whether directly or implicitly) male-oriented or female-oriented. (I am not saying that a boy can never play with a doll, or a girl can never play with a firetruck, etc. What I am saying is that we ought to be intentional in our gift giving, so that we do not blur the lines of gender for children.) Today’s boys and girls are already being raised up in a twisted culture where men are becoming more effeminate, and women are becoming more feminist. Let’s not add to the chaos. Rather, let’s seek the good old paths where our Christmas presents help to nurture strapping young lads and sweet young lasses.

• What are the interests of the recipient? No one wants their hard-earned money or time to be poured into a present that is going to be pitched at the first opportunity. Yet that is often exactly what happens if we give without truly considering the interests of the person we’re giving to! Just because something lights us up inside, does not mean it will do the same for someone else. For example, I love reading. Receiving a beautiful volume of a lovely, wholesome book would be sure to bring a smile to my face. Yet there are others who find reading to be a disdainful chore. For them, being gifted a book would feel like an entitled teenager getting socks and undergarments for Christmas. You know: “Well, uh, okay…I guess it’s the thought that counts.” Give with an eye towards pleasing the one you are gifting to, rather than yourself. While it can be great fun to give, we should always do so with regard for our recipient’s unique hobbies and interests, rather than our own.

If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him! – Matthew 7:11

Secondly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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What am I buying?

• One type of gift to give is the keepsake. This is the sort of gift the recipient can use more than once. Examples include small items such as books and journals, movies and video games, clothing and accessories, or games and puzzles; and large items such as furniture, appliances, home decor, or kitchen gadgets. Knowing the interests of the person (as we talked about in our previous point) helps to ensure that our time and money is not wasted on a gift that won’t be enjoyed. Let’s face it, your family and friends don’t want to clutter their house with items that in no way suit their individual personalities and preferences. If you’re buying someone a keepsake, make sure you first know a bit about their taste and style.

• Another type of gift to give is the perishable. These sorts of gifts are typically one-time use, or at least able to be used up in a short amount of time. Cash, gift cards, and vouchers fall into this category, as do food items. Perishable items are a great option for the recipient who is a bit of a minimalist, or for the person for whom you “just don’t know what to get” – either because they appear to have everything they need, or you simply don’t know them well enough to ascertain their interests. Three things most any family can benefit from are money, food, or gasoline. Perishable items are a foolproof way to ensure your gift will be used and appreciated.

• Yet another type of gift to give is the experience. This sort of gift is somewhat of a hybrid between the keepsake and the perishable. The experience itself is perishable, but the memories made are preserved as a keepsake. Some ideas for experiences are: travel reservations, tickets to the movie theater or a sporting event, a day at the zoo or an amusement park, music lessons, a restaurant outing, or even the offer to babysit children while their parents enjoy a date night. Such presents are great options for folks who don’t want or need any more “stuff”. A gift of experience is more personalized than cash or gift cards, but won’t clutter up your recipient’s home.

Each one must do just as he has purposed in his heart, not grudgingly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. – 2 Corinthians 9:7

Thirdly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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When am I buying?

• Schedule your purchases according to sales. Stores typically mark their items down to bargain prices after the holidays…in January, when business is at an all-time low. Thus, January is the month of the bargain hunter…the prudent wife…the bonafide cheapskate! You can save a lot of money by making purchases outside of peak shopping seasons. However, one obvious downside of buying so far in advance is figuring out where to store your purchases. Depending on how many people you are buying for, Christmas gifts could easily begin cluttering up every corner of your house. Try to designate one specific area for presents: a large tote, a closet, a storage shed (hello there, adoring grandmothers everywhere!) Once that designated area starts bursting at the seams, you’ll know it’s time to pump the brakes on shopping. If you have such space to utilize for storage, shopping sales in advance rather than hunting for gifts last-minute will ensure you don’t break the bank for Christmas.

• Schedule your purchases according to your budget. Going into debt on account of the holidays is a sure way to squelch your Christmas spirit and set you up for financial failure in the New Year. A simple budgeting rule to follow for the holidays (and all year round, for that matter) is this: buy only what you can afford, when you can afford it. If brand-new items are out of your price range, second-hand is the way to go. There is no shame in the thrift game! Consignment shops around the USA are filled with quality, gently used items for a fraction of the price. I, for one, would never look down on a gift that was purchased second-hand, and chances are that your loved ones won’t either. A special word to mothers: know that your children will only benefit from seeing you exercise prudence. Teach little ones early to reject entitlement and to show gratitude for what Dad and Mom can provide for them. Your thriftiness will set a positive example for them to emulate with their own future spending habits. It’s an important life lesson: needs come first, and wants come second…even at Christmas.

• Schedule your purchases according to your time. Nothing does a frazzled wife and mother make, so much as being in a rush. Frantic, last-minute shopping sprees are detrimental not only to the pocketbook, but to your emotional well-being. You can save yourself a world of stress if you’ll only plan for the holidays before December rolls around. Gather little items here and there while you’re already out and about. Work on handmade projects during your free moments. Jot down gift ideas whenever inspiration comes to you. These are all small ways that you can avoid the panic induced mad-dash after Thanksgiving. Cultivate a spirit of generosity all throughout the year, so that you’re always on the lookout for little ways to bless others. This will level up more than just your Christmas shopping – it will elevate you as an individual when “The Christmas Spirit” is simply a part of your mindset each and every day.

Do not withhold good from whom it is due, when it is in your power to do it. – Proverbs 3:27

Fourthly, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Where am I buying?

• Support godly businesses. Whenever possible, use your money to vote “yes” for Christian values. We ought to back businesses that proclaim Jesus Christ as Lord, and steer clear of businesses ran by enemies of the cross. (For example, organizations that openly promote the LGBTQ+ agenda, etc.) Realistically, we can’t boycott every business led by ungodly individuals – sometimes we have to be “in the world, but not of the world”. However, when there are multiple choices from which to fulfill our Christmas lists, why not shop at Christ-centered establishments, rather than those that are unrighteous, liberal, and “woke”? Let’s look for ways to further the Kingdom with our dollars, rather than help line the pockets of those who would love nothing more than to see our cause destroyed.

• Support local businesses. The success of your neighborhood, your city, your county, your state, your region, and your country, is your success. When you buy American-made items, you are doing your part to exercise good citizenship – you are helping maintain an independent nation with a thriving economy for yourself, your family, and your fellow Americans. Just as we should look for ways to avoid patronizing businesses that are clearly no friends of our God, we should also look for ways to minimize buying from countries that are clearly no friends of our USA. Bonus points when you can buy not only items made in your nation, but items made (or at least sold) in your own neck of the woods. Forget the big box stores, and vote “yes” for your community by gathering Christmas presents from a Mom-n-Pop shop near you.

• Support quality businesses. Exceptionalism in business is sadly becoming a lost art, as many business owners care way too much about making a buck, and way too little about customer gratification. Establishments cut corners in order to cut costs, prioritize quantity over quality, and the customers suffer for lack of skillful workmanship. How do these establishments get away with it? Because the money keeps pouring in anyway, leaving owners no incentive to change their business practices. Not enough people are frustrated enough to take their loyalty elsewhere. This Christmas, vote “yes” for quality items by shopping only at those rare establishments that produce quality products, and furthermore, practice honesty and integrity toward their clientele.

Why do you spend money for what is not bread, and your wages for what does not satisfy? Listen carefully to Me, and eat what is good, and delight yourself in abundance. – Isaiah 55:2

Fifthly and finally, when we begin our Christmas lists, we must ask ourselves:

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Why am I buying?

• Do you give for Christmas because your culture dictates it? It’s easy to get sucked into doing something just because “everyone else is doing it“. No one likes to feel that they are going against the grain unless they have a good reason to do so. Since Christmas is a holiday based on gladness, goodwill, and generosity, it would appear that only the greatest stick-in-the-mud would choose not to participate in gift giving or holiday celebrations. But that’s just societal pressures talking. The Bible says it best: One person values one day over another, another values every day the same. Each person must be fully convinced in his own mind. (Romans 14:5) (With that being said, today’s article is meant for those who are already planning on shopping, making, or re-gifting presents for Christmas. My intent is not to add any cultural pressure myself. Christmas is both fun to celebrate and fine not to celebrate. We can rejoice, for we have Christian liberty over wee matters such as holidays!)

• Do you give for Christmas because your recipient demands it? Individuals can add just as much pressure on us to give Christmas presents as culture as a whole. There are some people that are bold enough (and rude enough) to pry: “so, what are you getting me for Christmas?” Questions such as these make us feel there is no way out…we are now locked into buying for that individual whether we had originally intended to or not. This kind of forced giving is not in tandem with the true spirit of Christmas. Instead of buying for someone out of the goodness of our own heart, we feel compelled to buy for them – only because we lack the courage to tell them that an outstretched hand is impolite and unbecoming. Don’t cave to pressure! Gently tell the person that you’d rather surprise them at random than under expectations regarding the 25th of December. (I know, easier said than done, but it might just help both of you with boundaries. You, to keep them. Them, not to break them.)

• Do you give for Christmas because your heart desires it? This is the ideal spirit of Christmas. One might say that Christmas is about giving, and that is true to an extent. However, at the very heart of things, Christmas is really about generosity. What’s the difference between giving and generosity? Giving is an outward action of the hands, while generosity is an internal virtue of the heart. All truly generous people give, but not all people who give are truly generous. Some give out of compulsion, some give in order to receive, and some give in order to be recognized. The generous person gives not because they feel they must, but because they have themselves been blessed and want to be a blessing to others. The generous person gives not with expectations or strings attached, but with a desire to bring cheer to their recipient. The generous person gives not to be seen, but because they want another to feel seen. If you aim to give this Christmas, be sure to do so out of true generosity.

Please take my gift which has been brought to you, because God has dealt graciously with me and because I have plenty. – Genesis 33:11a

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In conclusion…

When Christmas shopping this year, remember to follow your 2024 Gift Giving Guide!

Take the stress out of the holiday season by simply asking yourself these 5 questions:

Who am I buying for? (Give according to the age, gender, and interests of your recipient)
What am I buying? (Choose wisely between gifts that are keepsakes, perishables, or experiences)
When I am buying? (Plan shopping trips according to store sales, your own budget, and your own time)
Where am I buying? (Support godly businesses, support local businesses, and support quality businesses)
Why am I buying? (Be sure it’s your heart’s desire, and not merely cultural dictates or recipient demands)

Happy gifting, Damsels! Have yourselves a merry little Christmas, and let your hearts be light.

It was always said of him, that he knew how to keep Christmas well, if any man alive possessed the knowledge. May that be truly said of us, and all of us! – Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

“Never, never get married, my friend! This is my advice to you. Do not marry until you have come to the conclusion that you have done all it is in your power to do, and until you have ceased to love the woman whom you have chosen, until you have seen clearly what she is; otherwise you will make a sad and irreparable mistake. When you are old and good for nothing, then get married….Otherwise, all that is good and noble in you will be thrown away.

…Don’t look at me in such amazement. If ever you have any hope of anything ahead of you, you will be made to feel at every step that, as far as you are concerned, all is at an end, all closed to you, except the drawing-room, where you will rank with court lackeys and idiots. That’s a fact!

…What I would not give at this moment if I were not married!

…Tie yourself to a woman and you are like a prisoner in chains, your whole freedom is destroyed.

…Egotism, ostentations, stupidity, meanness in every respect–such are women when they show themselves as they are. You see them in society and think they amount to something, but they are nothing, nothing, nothing! No, don’t marry, old fellow, don’t marry.”

Such were the dismal musings on marriage of Prince Andrei Bolkonsky to his bosom friend, Count Pierre Bezukhov. (These being two male protagonists in Leo Tolstoy’s crowning literary achievement, War and Peace.) For those of us who love the institution of marriage as well as our own marriages, we may feel that Prince Andrei’s words sound awfully harsh. For those of us who strive to be suitable helpers for our men, we would sooner die than hear our husbands speak of us the way Andrei spoke of his Lisa. Nonetheless, for those of us who know that virtuous wives are few and far between, we probably aren’t all that shocked that a man would regret hitching his wagon to a woman that makes him feel like a “prisoner in chains”.

Speaking of chains, many of you are probably familiar with the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“. This is an expression that used to be quite popular in the baby-boomer generation to refer to one’s wife. It’s one of those playful (yet a little bit derogatory), joking (yet a little bit serious), teasing (yet a little bit sad-but-true) ways people talk about their marriage that frankly smacks of a couple that’s a little (or maybe a “lottle“) bit out of sync with God’s will for husbands and wives. If Tolstoy’s hapless, 19th century Prince Bolkonsky had known the term, “The Old Ball and Chain“, he would have undoubtedly adopted this moniker for “The Little Princess”, Mrs. Bolkonsky. Indeed, Lisa had a lot to learn about being a help meet.

Though Prince Andrei’s soliloquy may have had a touch of the melodramatic, I can’t help but sympathize with him in his marital plight. Any man (of the 19th century, 21st century, or any century) ought to be pitied when he wakes up one day to find that his sweet young bride with a blushing smile for him has – over years of marriage – transformed into a miserable old hag with a bone to pick with him. Such a husband rightfully feels that he has been jilted. “How did the girl of my dreams become the woman of my nightmares?!“

Bolkonsky, like many a sucker before and after him, was a victim of bait-and-switch: courtesy a la femme fatale. He began his romance being pitifully captivated by Lisa, and ended up being her pitiful captive. “The Little Princess” was a charming young lady, but her loveliness was only skin-deep. It wasn’t long after she settled into married life that her true colors came out, revealing her for the shallow window-dressing that she was. When push came to shove, Lisa was neither supportive nor sympathetic as a wife, causing her poor husband to eagerly depart from their home and enter the war – without giving so much as a backward glance toward the bewildered woman he had left behind. Care to know how their story ends? Guess you’ll have to pick up a copy of War and Peace to find out, as I won’t spoil the classic tale for you!

Now, what does the rocky marriage of Prince and Princess Bolkonsky have to do with today’s article?

I believe it would serve us well to consider how we Damsels can be better help meets to our husbands than the fictional Princess Lisa was to hers, lest our husbands grow bitter like Prince Andrei and come to view their wives and marriages with regretful disdain. Today, we will identify three steps that are sure to make a sweet young bride slowly morph into a miserable old hag. If we can avoid stumbling over these roadblocks, then we can avoid devolving into our husband’s worst nightmare: The Old Ball and Chain.

Wives, beware! The first step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“Why isn’t my husband being the godly and masculine leader I desire for him to be?”

“Why isn’t he exercising more self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions?”

“Why doesn’t he step up and do more cleaning and tidying around the house?”

“Why can’t he be a more romantic and spontaneous husband?”

“Why can’t he be a more present and attentive father?”

Internal questions such as these are symptoms of a critical brain. When we allow ourselves to focus on our husband’s shortcomings (whether these are real or perceived), our love for him is sorely diminished. Why?

[Love] does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. – 1 Corinthians 13:5b-7a

A woman with a critical brain is the antithesis to this passage. She takes every wrong into account. She has a twisted pleasure in faultfinding. She neglects to notice the praiseworthy in her man. She is unwilling to bear with her husband. She is unwilling to believe in her husband. She is unwilling to hope in her husband. She is unwilling to endure her husband. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

When we consider our husbands to be: not godly enough, not masculine enough, not self-controlled enough, not clean and tidy enough, not present enough, not attentive enough, not romantic enough, not spontaneous enough, etc., we are rewiring our brains to see our men in a distinctly negative light: they are not enough. When we see another person as not enough, our natural tendency is to consider ourselves as above and beyond their caliber. (Cue the underlying, subconscious belief: “While he is not enough, I however, am the perfect picture of godliness, self-control, cleanliness, and so forth”) When we consider ourselves to be above and beyond another person, it makes it nigh to impossible – almost laughably ludicrous – to place ourselves under them with submission and reverence. This presents a dilemma: we as wives are commanded to submit to and revere our husbands. So what’s a girl to do? Unfortunately, most women will much sooner lay aside God’s word than lay aside their criticism of their husbands. Such women harden their hearts, excuse themselves from obedience to scripture, utterly ignore their roles as women (while ironically expecting their husbands to fulfill their roles as men), continue their cycle of seeking and finding faults, and move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a critical brain.

Wives, beware! The second step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“I am sick and tired of my husband not being the godly and masculine leader he ought to be!”

“I am sick and tired of him not exercising self-control over his thoughts, words, and actions!”

“He never so much as lifts a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”

“He is pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”

“He is never present with the kids nor pays them any attention!”

Internal complaints such as these are symptoms of a cross heart. Notice the progression from our last point. We may start out with seemingly harmless questions about our husbands’ behaviors, but if we let such questions dominate our minds, the former questions of our brain become the current complaints of our heart. We become angry and bitter = cross. And our love for our husband is diminished further. Why?

Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous… – 1 Corinthians 13:4a

A woman with a cross heart is the antithesis to this passage. She is impatient with her husband, expecting him to master areas of growth and maturity on her timetable. She is unkind in her assessment of him, choosing to view him as a flawed man with a few virtues that don’t amount to much, rather than a virtuous man with a few flaws that don’t amount to much. She is jealous of him, thinking that she is the one who puts forth all the effort, and that he has it pretty easy compared to her. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

An important truth in life is this: What you focus on grows. If you stare into a mirror every day and think to yourself how much you loathe your big nose, pretty soon that undesirable feature will be all you’re able to see when you gaze at your reflection. On the flip side, if you stare into a mirror every day and admire your beautiful eyes, pretty soon that attractive feature will be what seems prominent to you. Shifting our focus from negative features to positive ones can have great results when it comes to building self-esteem, and the same is true for building husband-esteem. What you focus on about your husband grows! If you dwell on what is undesirable about his spiritual walk with the Lord, or his role as head of the home, or his habits of cleanliness, or his performance as a husband or father, guess what? Pretty soon that is all you will be able to see. Never mind his good qualities! After all, if you don’t see them, does he really have any? (I’m being facetious, of course) The more we focus on what we find as undesirable and unlovable in our men, the less we will be able to discern what is desirable and lovable in them. We allow old wounds to fester, warm hearts to grow cold, and we move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cross heart.

Wives, beware! The third and final step towards becoming The Old Ball and Chain is…

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“I am sick and tired of you not being the godly and masculine leader you ought to be!”

“I am sick and tired of you not exercising self-control over your thoughts, words, and actions!”

“You never so much as lift a finger to clean and tidy around this house!”

“You are pathetically unromantic and unspontaneous as a husband!”

“You are never present with the kids nor pay them any attention!”

External cut-downs such as these are symptoms of a cruel mouth. Again, notice the progression from our last point. The questions that burden our brains, and the complaints that poison our hearts, soon become the cut-downs that spew from our mouths. Our love for our husband is diminished considerably. Why?

Love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked… 1 Corinthians 13:4b-5a

A woman with a cruel mouth is the antithesis to this passage. She brags arrogantly of her (self-proclaimed) superiority over her husband – in matters spiritual, emotional, or physical. She acts unbecomingly as she insults and berates him in private or public settings, to his face or behind his back. She seeks her own, foolishly believing that her negative words will produce the positive effect in him that she desires (spoiler alert: this never happens. Men – by God’s design – will not be conquered by a woman’s show of force. A man is won over by chaste and respectful behavior. A soft, feminine lady will always hold more sway over her husband than a hard, feminist shrew.) She is easily provoked and lashes out at her husband when she feels he is not measuring up. It only stands to reason: She does not truly love him.

If your goal is to have your husband rue the day he took you as his wife, the best way to do it is to cut him down. A husband hates nothing so much as that which removes his manhood and puts him in the rank of “court lackeys and idiots”, as Prince Andrei so eloquently put it. For a man, maintaining his self-respect and the respect of others is paramount. Women know this instinctively, which is why we are so often tempted to spew words that “go for the jugular”. If we can hit a home run in the insult department, it will wake our husband up and make him want to kowtow to our wishes, right? Wrong! All men – good men and bad men alike – share one thing in common: they will remove anything from their path that diminishes their sense of masculine dignity. Sometimes this means a drastic measure, such as divorce…but for your average Joe who loves his wife (even if she’s a regular nightmare to live with), he will probably take a less final approach – he will simply distance himself from her and her abusive speech. Of course, the more he distances himself, the more critical and cross she gets. The more critical and cross she gets, the more cruel she gets. The more cruel she gets, the more he distances himself from her presence. Around and around they go, and pretty soon he hates her and she hates him, and the marriage is a wreck. All because she allowed herself to move one step closer every day to becoming The Old Ball and Chain.

Damsels, take great care that you do not give place to a cruel mouth.

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In conclusion…

How does a sweet young bride morph into a miserable old hag? One step at a time. First, she gives place to a critical brain. She is full of questions. Then, she gives place to a cross heart. She is full of complaints. Finally, she gives place to a cruel mouth. She is full of cut-downs. As she follows this vicious cycle over the years, her love for her man dwindles away to nothing. One day her husband wakes up to find that the girl of his dreams became the woman of his nightmares. This is what happened to Lisa Bolkonsky. This is what made her husband, Andrei Bolkonsky, say: “Never, never get married my friend!” Don’t let it happen to you. Stay soft, stay forgiving, stay loving. Love of a man is what keeps a woman from becoming The Old Ball and Chain. Be a 1 Corinthians 13 kind of wife, and watch your marriage flourish. Of this you can be sure:

Love never fails. – 1 Corinthians 13:8a

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

The world has enough women who are tough; we need women who are tender.
There are enough women who are coarse; we need women who are kind.
There are enough women who are rude; we need women who are refined.
There are enough women of fame and fortune; we need more women of faith.

– Margaret D. Nadauld

Tender…kind…refined…I agree wholeheartedly with Miss Margaret that these lovely words encapsulate a “woman of faith”. More specifically, they define a feminine woman of faith. See, there are many women who believe in the Lord Jesus Christ and have confessed, repented, and been baptized, yet they remain tough, coarse, and rude. Why is this? I believe that often we put an emphasis on being a good person, but put little-to-no emphasis on being a good woman – that is, leaning into our feminine attributes and living out our faith in accordance with our God-ordained gender. The modern church operates under the false notion that we all live out our faith exactly alike, but this is simply untrue. Men and women are different, period. Our Christian walk should reflect these differences. (i.e. A man lives out his faith in a masculine way, while a woman lives out her faith in a feminine way) Let us consider the following examples:

Can a man be godly while being tough, coarse, and rude? I suggest to you that he can! This world needs tough, coarse – and yes, sometimes even rude (read: direct, blunt) – military personnel, police officers, CEOs, lawyers, store managers, husbands, fathers, etc. Tough, coarse, “rude” men toe the line – keeping the bad guys at bay and the good guys on the straight ‘n narrow. Long live the John Waynes of the world.

Can a woman be godly while being tough, coarse, and rude? I suggest to you that she cannot. This world does not need any more tough, coarse, and rude daughters, wives, mothers, homemakers, etc. Rather, it is the tender, kind, refined woman that is needed in the field, bedroom, nursery, kitchen, ad nauseam. We, unlike men, are not designed as rock-hard protectors, providers, and promoters…but as silk-soft nurturers.

Here at Destress the Damsel, our mission is not merely learning to be good people. We damsels are also interested in leveling up our femininity, and learning to be good women – tender, kind, and refined. Each of these words can be summed up in one beautiful, distinctly feminine quality: softness. A true woman of faith ought to be as soft as silk. If you want to learn more about being a soft woman, join us for today’s article, where I will share three blessings that the womanly trait of softness will offer to those around us.

Firstly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…

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A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the tone of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who spoke in a sharp, shrill, shriek? With loud and obnoxious intonation, she garners the attention of everyone in the room…but not in a good way. Typically, the unbecoming “shrieks” come in the form of demands, commands, and reprimands. Whether it’s her husband, her children, or her restaurant server, there always seems to be someone on the receiving end of her marked fury, made known by the tone of her words. The sharp, shrill, shrieking woman relies on dominance and authority (distinctly masculine traits) to wield those around her like pawns on a chess board. When my brother was a lad, he comically referred to this sort as the “loud mouth schnook”. May we never be described in such a way! There is nothing submissive and docile (distinctly feminine traits) about a woman whose larynx resembles a foghorn. Remember: tender, kind, refined…soft.

It’s not so much what you say, as the manner in which you say it;
It’s not so much the language you use, as the tone in which you convey it;
Words may be mild and fair, but the tone may pierce like a dart;
Words may be soft as the summer air, but the tone may break my heart.
– Anonymous

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken sound. She does not emasculate and place her husband under her by speaking down to him. She honors him with a tone of humility fit for a king…even if her man is more along the lines of a court jester. She does not fume, fuss, and bark orders at her children. She guides them with a tone of gentility…even if they happen to be “Sons of Belial” like Hophni and Phineas of old. She does not speak in clipped tones of exasperation to her restaurant server. She maintains a tone of civility…even if they have poor customer service or make mistakes. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the tone of our words fall delicately upon our listeners, like soft music.

Let me hear your voice; for your voice is sweet… – Song of Solomon 2:14c

Secondly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…

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A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the taste of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who constantly belittled, derided, and criticized those around her? Such a woman resembles a porcupine: all pins and needles. Rather than looking for the good and praiseworthy in others, she thrives off of their shortcomings…for she is at her “happiest” when she’s griping and groaning, or ranting and raving. If her husband gets a fact wrong while telling a story, she cannot discreetly signal the mistake to him or let it slide…she considers it her duty to correct him in the presence of all (to his embarrassment). If her child disobeys, she cannot simply chide him or dish out a suitable consequence…she gives full vent to her anger by way of droning lectures and rash punishments. If her restaurant server messes up her order, she cannot sweetly ask for a remake or contentedly roll with the error…she complains vehemently to management and let’s everyone know that she won’t be visiting the dining establishment again. Her words (or rather: her barbs, stings, and jabs) say nothing of a tender, kind, refined, soft lady. Prickly words don’t go down easy, nor are they sweet to taste.

To belittle, you have to be little. – Kahlil Gibran

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken snack. Her tasteful words build up her husband’s self-worth and masculine ego, rather than tear them down. She is his lover, not his mother. She is his cheerleader, not his critic. She is his subordinate, not his superior. Her tasteful words are like sweet treats for her children. She encourages right behavior with gladness and discourages wrong behavior with sadness. She sometimes uses words of scolding, but never words of scalding. She does not return evil for evil, or insult for insult. Her tasteful words are gracious and polite to her restaurant server. She acts as customer, rather than slaveholder. She expresses thanksgiving, rather than entitlement. She makes requests, rather than demands. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the taste of our words be easily and cheerfully swallowed down by our listeners, like soft ice cream.

Pleasant words are a honeycomb, sweet to the soul and healing to the bones. – Proverbs 16:24

Thirdly and lastly, a woman who is soft as silk blesses others with…

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A feminine woman is as soft as silk in the tithe of her words.

Have you ever had the misfortune to be in the presence of a woman who talked from the moment her feet hit the floor, to the moment her head hit the pillow? One feels they can’t get a moment’s peace when she’s around, and her mindless blathering is nauseating. If only she spoke a tenth of what she does, perhaps others would not tune her out or take little interest in her one-sided conversation. Her husband is wearied by her neediness, grasping for his undivided attention. Her children are wearied by her self-centeredness, boring them with personal anecdotes. Her waiter is wearied by her unawareness, keeping him from tending to other customers. Rather than her presence allowing others a calm place to rest, she makes others wish she would give it a rest! She doesn’t know when enough is enough, and pays little attention to social cues such as her listener saying “oh…that’s interesting” for the 50th time, or staring wistfully off into the distance, wishing they were anywhere but in her clutches. She has not learned to be a tender, kind, refined, soft lady…she never stopped yapping long enough to receive instruction and better herself.

It makes your words really expensive if you don’t talk that much. – Lisa Glamour

A feminine woman blesses others with the silken sheet. She tithes her words toward her husband. She is always available and accessible to him, but she also allows him the necessary space to get work done, have time for personal reflection, or simply enter into his “nothing box”. She tithes her words toward her children. She closes her mouth, while opening her ears to their hopes and dreams, taking interest in their hobbies, and seeking to understand their little world. She tithes her words toward her restaurant server. She is friendly but not overly forward, is honest with herself about how much clucking an acquaintance really cares to hear, and is sensitive of his duty to carry on with his job. No matter the situation, damsels show themselves to be soft as silk. May the tithe of our words give our listeners a rest, like soft bedding.

…The dream comes through much effort and the voice of a fool through many words. – Ecclesiastes 5:3

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In conclusion…

Would you be a feminine woman of faith: a tender, refined, kind woman who is soft as silk?

Then you must seek to bless others with the silken sound, the silken snack, and the silken sheet.

Seek to make the tone of your words like soft music, the taste of your words like soft ice cream, and the tithe of your words like soft bedding. Others will be able to recline, relax, and retire in your soft, silken, feminine presence when you bless them with a soothing melody, a delightful treat, and a cozy lounge.

By forbearance a ruler may be persuaded, and a soft tongue breaks the bone. – Proverbs 25:15

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

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Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.