Destress the Damsel

I see you, focused, strong and healthy;
In satisfying abundance and very happy.
I see you growing in grace and knowledge;
Because life’s experience is the best college.
I see you maturing: fully and so complete;
Into a lovely woman and suitable helpmeet.
I see you, an imperfectly perfect vision;
Full of life, ambition and positive passion.
I see you, with a radiant smile and influence;
And an effervescence that makes a difference.
I see you, a woman of stature and virtue;
Full of dignity, and to whom praise is due.
I see you, with curves and features sexual;
Scintillatingly attractive: a stunning visual.
I see you as beautiful as you can ever become;
A woman: charming and full of compassion.

“I See You” By Dion O. Penville

Do you long for such words of admiration to be said of you? Do you yearn to have your man’s deepest affection and undivided attention? Do you wish to be the sole object of your husband’s every desire? If this sounds like you, I will let you in on a little secret: you need to learn how to “merry” a married man. (That’s *M-E-R-R-Y*, thank you very much, so you can go ahead and get your mind right out of that gutter!) If you can nail down the art of merrying your man, his heart will be yours to keep.

Sounds great, right? But how does a wife go about “merrying” her husband? And isn’t every husband unique in what he wants/needs from his wife? Well, yes and no.

Today, I will share with you the three basic ways to merry any man, regardless of race, color, creed, national origin, religion, et cetera, et cetera. Now be forewarned: you will not find relationship tips in this article such as, “put a secret love note in his lunchbox”, or, “tell him how special he is to you every day” and other such fluff. Honestly, those are tips on how to merry your female friends – this is men we’re talking about. You want to win a man, you’ve got to treat him like a man. If that’s not up your alley, you’ll probably want to stop reading right now.

Still with me? Clever girl. Without further ado…

Step #1 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:

It would be ludicrous to write an article about a man’s merriment without mention of priority numero uno: his sex life. A lot of marriages (even Christian marriages) are suffering for one glaring reason: women don’t understand, or seek to understand, the sexual needs of their man. I find it imperative to share with you this enlightening masculine perspective before I wrap up with some of my own feminine thoughts:

…if it were not for abundant testosterone and the sex drive that God put into men making them attracted to women for sex, I personally don’t believe that the vast majority of men would choose to have anything to do with women at all. Women are, in so many ways, different than men and are so confusing, emotional, irrational and so much trouble that without the sex drive, the vast majority of men would not give a woman the time of day. So, in essence, the thing that so many women despise about men is the only thing that draws them to you and gets them to marry you and provide for you and protect you in the first place!

…God made sex to bring a husband and wife together in body, soul, and spirit. Among other things, it is the magnet that draws and the glue that binds your husband to you. You women want to have a close and intimate “oneness” relationship with your husband? Sex is the path that God created to draw your man to you and bind the two of you together. Your husband not only has a physical NEED for sex (just like he needs to eat food and drink water to survive), he also has an emotional need for it. Both of these needs were God created so if you despise them, you are despising God.

– Portions of a comment by user “Trey” on article “Giving Men a Voice on Being Starved for Sex”. Full article/comment can be found at www.thetransformedwife.com

There you have it, straight from the horse’s mouth. I daresay any man who claims that sex is not of paramount significance to him is either a) lying through his teeth, b) afraid of facing the wrath of his wife by said admission, or c) called to a unique lifestyle of celibacy by the Lord (1 Corinthians 7:7). Bottom line, men are sexual beings.

My husband has often said, “sex is the key that opens the door to a man’s heart” and this couldn’t be more evidenced than by our marriage. It’s no secret that I wasn’t exactly my husband’s cup of tea when first we wed, but faithful daily sex (in time) forged between us a stronger bond than I could have dreamed of. We have been married more than eight years, and in my humble opinion, have the most splendid marriage. (This is not to say that we don’t struggle in other areas of life, as we most certainly do) I can truly say that my husband is my best friend and the love of my life, and I owe this in greatest measure to God’s perfect design of “two becoming one flesh”.

If you want to merry your man, your body is the key. Give your man your body, and he will give you his heart. There’s a reason it’s called “making love”…sex softens a husband’s heart and links him to his girl. (Pardon the pun) A glorious, one-flesh marriage is built when two individuals set all reservations aside and give their bodies to each other…unabashedly…every day. No hiding allowed. None of this lights off, pajama wearing, “I’m so nervous” charade. Men are attracted to a confident, sexy wife…he wants you. Your nakedness, your openness, your sensuality. You are one with your husband…own it. You won’t be sorry.

Therefore shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh. And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. – Genesis 2:24-25

Want to merry a married man? Merry His Anatomy!

Step #2 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:

Apart from a great sex life, a man longs for a woman that he can “do life” with. Are you involved and invested in your man’s activity – that is, his hobbies? I’m of the firm persuasion that a couple that plays together, stays together. Too many couples drift apart because they share few interests and are rarely together. She goes out, he stays in. He watches football, she browses Facebook. She loves socializing, he loves contemplating. He likes sci-fi, she likes chick flicks. The list could go on. The thing is, a marriage doesn’t have to include so much disconnect. Do you love your husband? Then it shouldn’t be hard to take an interest in the things that make him tick.

It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

– Friedrich Nietzsche

Since getting married, I have made it my mission to adapt to my husband’s interests. I have learned to enjoy what he enjoys and love what he loves! All it takes is an open heart and a willingness to get outside your comfort zone. Here are some examples from my own experience:

I used to have zero interest in Star Wars, but my husband loves it. We started watching the movies/shows together in timeline order some months ago, and now I am a bonafide Star Wars nerd. My recent obsession is sipping hot cocoa with my man and catching up on the latest episode of The Mandalorian!

I used to despise the flavor of pepperoni pizza. My husband finds it to be scrumptious. I started eating it with him, and now it has become one of my favorite kinds of pizza. Now we fight over who gets the last piece. (I kid!)

I used to be apathetic toward my appearance (I dressed like a schoolmarm, never did anything with my hair, didn’t know a thing about makeup, etc.). My husband enjoys being fashionable, and values having an attractive wife by his side. I revamped my wardrobe and started dolling myself up early on in our marriage, and now I *may* have a slight clothing, shoes, makeup, and hair product hoarding problem (oops)!

These examples serve to show that it really is attainable (and enjoyable) to join in your husband’s activity. As you determine to spend time with your man, enjoying whatever hobbies and interests he has, I guarantee it won’t be long until you find your own hobbies and interests aligning with his. Your husband should be your very best friend, and what woman takes no care for the interests of a friend?

…this is my beloved, and this is my friend… – Song of Solomon 5:16b

Want to merry a married man? Merry His Activity!

Step #3 on How to “Merry” a Married Man:

A woman may be an ethereal sex goddess, and she may spend every waking moment participating in her husband’s activities; but if she does not respect her man, he will be so revolted by her presence that she will not even be given the chance to let those qualities shine. Respect is to a man as love is to a woman…if a man is treated with disrespect long enough, his reaction will be to withdraw into isolation from the offender…namely, his wife. If you allow such a wedge to form in your union, it will be hard to win him back.

Do you respect your husband’s authority?

Here are some practical questions you might ask yourself, which will allow you to see where there may be disrespect in your marriage:

Maybe none of these examples apply to you. However, even if you are not actively disrespecting your man, are you actively respecting him?

God commands a wife to respect her husband. This word means to hold in high esteem, to lift up. It’s closely connected with the word “reverence.” Ladies, what your husband needs and craves from you more than anything else is respect. While you love to hear, “I love you,” we men want and need to hear, “I respect you.”

– Tony Evans, For Married Women Only: Three Principles for Honoring Your Husband

Do you praise your husband to his children and to others? Do you listen intently to the words that he says? Do you trust his ability to make sound decisions…not only in large matters, but in the small choices of everyday life? Do you allow him to be the spokesperson for your family, while you humbly take on a more behind-the-scenes approach? Such examples as these speak volumes to your husband of your respect, and will render you a queen in his eyes.

Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. – Ephesians 5:22-24

Want to merry a married man? Merry His Authority!

In conclusion…

Did you notice that the three ways to merry your man coincide with the threefold aspects of his human makeup? When you merry your man’s anatomy, you are taking care of him somatically (remember, soma = body). When you merry his activity, you are taking care of him soulishly. When you merry his authority, you are taking care of him spiritually. If you learn to thrive in these three areas for your husband, you will forge an unbreakable bond with him. You will be united as one in soma, soul and spirit forever. Fairy tale endings really do exist – but only for those who are willing to work for them. Now, you know what you need to do. Put down your phone…and get out there and merry your married man!

She will do him good and not evil all the days of her life. – – Proverbs 31:12

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

No one’s hangin’ stockin’s up,
No one’s bakin’ pie,
No one’s lookin’ up to see a new star in the sky,
No one’s talkin’ brotherhood,
No one’s givin’ gifts,
And no one loves a Christmas tree
On March the twenty-fifth.

“Merry…” by Shel Silverstein

Ahh, the Christmas Spirit. A bit of magic that seems to dwell in the bosom of all mankind in December, but eludes us the other eleven months of the year. Such noble enterprises as “peace on Earth” and “goodwill toward men” just don’t sound as attainable once the tree is back in the storage closet and every chocolate in the advent calendar has been eaten, I suppose.

As someone who could easily live in the tropics without complaint, Christmas is a small grace in the middle of my least favorite season: Winter. While I cozy up to my heat source like a skinny lizard basking on a sun-scorched rock, I take cheer in all the little delights of the season. Christmas movies, our Christmas tree, the lights around town, hot cocoa, holiday scents, and the list could go on. Most of all, I love the innocent, almost childlike sense of wonder and joy that I so often see reflected in the faces of others. December is the time of year when people are a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, a little more grateful. I wish I could bottle up that Christmas Spirit and sprinkle it around when the following months become fraught with meanness, inconsideration, and selfishness. We all could use a little more Christmas in our lives.

One classic hymn, Joy to the World, offers succinct advice on how to bottle up the Christmas Spirit: “repeat the sounding joy”. I find this humble phrase to be brilliant in all its practicality and simplicity. This Christmas season, let us focus on each of the three key words from the famous lyric, and reflect on what it means to “repeat the sounding joy” all year long.

First, we will focus in on the word joy. What does joy mean?

Joy is often mistaken to be the same thing as happiness. However, while the two share similarities, they are not one and the same. Joy and happiness do look very much alike, outwardly. A smiling face, a cheerful tone, and positive speech might point to either of these two emotions. What sets joy and happiness apart is their source…one being external, and one being internal.

Happiness relies solely on outside sources…such things as desirable weather, a nice compliment, a full belly, a new outfit, or just waking up in a good mood. Happiness quickly disappears when we become deprived of its source. It is shallow and ever-changing.

Joy relies solely on inside sources…such things as assurance of salvation, contentment, gratitude, faith, hope, and love. Joy can not be stolen from us like happiness can, because joy comes from the inner man of the heart. It is deep and grounded in stability.

Joy allowed Paul and Silas to sing praises in a prison cell. (Acts 16:25) It allowed Leah to find contentment without the love of her husband. (Genesis 29:35) It allowed Jesus to endure a cruel death on the cross. (Hebrews 12:2) And it will allow us to act like it’s December in the middle of March…

But let all those who put their trust in thee rejoice: let them ever shout for joy, because thou defendest them: let them also that love thy name be joyful in thee. – Psalm 5:11 (emphasis added)

Secondly, we will focus in on the word sounding. What does sounding mean?

Well, it is defined much like it sounds (no pun intended): to “sound” is to make a noise with the intention of being heard. The specific admonition to “repeat the sounding joy” isn’t simply encouraging us to be joyful, but to go forth and encourage others to do the same. It carries the idea of sharing our joy by means of communication.

Are you “sounding joy” to others in your daily life? This is not a grand feat, but the natural outpouring of a joyful heart. We sound joy when we keep calm during a stressful hour at work. We sound joy when we choose a level tone instead of yelling when our child misbehaves. We sound joy when we point out a blessing in someone’s complaint. We even sound joy by merely wearing a smile when others choose to frown and be miserable.

One great thing about joy is that it is contagious. But in order for someone to “catch” your joy, it has to be noticeable. Don’t be too shy to sound your joy!

Make a joyful noise unto the Lord, all the earth: make a loud noise, and rejoice, and sing praise. – Psalm 98:4 (emphasis added)

Lastly, we will focus in on the word repeat. What does repeat mean?

To “repeat” is to do something more than once. Certainly, possessing the joyful Christmas Spirit for one twelfth of the year is not enough practice to qualify as “repeating the sounding joy”. I have often heard it said that it takes 28 days to make a new habit. Is this why the Christmas Spirit doesn’t stick – people only practice it for 24 days?? All joking aside, joy is something one must repeat again and again in order for it to become second nature.

How can you keep joy all through the year? If I may borrow the words of Nike: “just do it”. Every day we must make the conscious choice to repeat the joyful thoughts, feelings, and behaviors of yesterday. Just like anything worthwhile, it will take some effort, but the results will be glorious.

Let them shout for joy, and be glad, that favour my righteous cause: yea, let them say continually, Let the Lord be magnified, which hath pleasure in the prosperity of his servant. – Psalm 35:27 (emphasis added)

In conclusion…

It’s easy to look around at the wonders of the Christmas season and be inspired to be a little more kind, a little more thoughtful, a little more grateful. But what will your demeanor be on March the twenty-fifth? Or what about the day after Christmas, for that matter? Will you remember this Christ-centered mantra long after the decorations are packed away and everyone else has lost their Christmas Spirit – “repeat the sounding joy”?

I will honor Christmas in my heart, and try to keep it all the year.

– Ebenezer Scrooge in A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.