Destress the Damsel

In the Depths of Despair

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The following is an excerpt from the 1985 television miniseries, Anne of Green Gables (based on the Anne of Green Gables book series by Lucy Maud Montgomery). This clip showcases the orphaned heroine, Anne Shirley, during her memorable first meeting with one of her new guardians, Miss Marilla Cuthbert:

Marilla: “You must be hungry.”
Anne: “I can’t eat. I can never eat when I’m in the depths of despair.”
Marilla, baffled by Anne’s dramatics: “‘The depths of despair?‘”
Anne, unaware and uninhibited: “Can you eat when you’re that way?”
Marilla, immovable and impassable: “I’ve never been that way.”
Anne, persistently: “Can’t you even imagine you’re in the depths of despair?”
Marilla, insistently: “No, I cannot. To despair is to turn your back on God.”

Whenever I think of the word “despair”, this poignant scene comes to mind. How often we, like Anne, can find ourselves slipping into “the depths of despair“. When troubles arise, there is a certain unhealthy craving to indulge in the “woe is me” mindset. When we are at our weaker and more childish moments, we practically wallow in our misery. It’s times like these that we need our strong and mature side – the “Marilla” within – to remind us to snap out of the despair, to simply “never be that way”, nor imagine it.

Marilla Cuthbert was not far off the mark with her definition of despair. To “despair” is to lose all hope. If we wallow in “the depths of despair“, we insult God’s faithfulness, hinder our own usefulness, and damage others’ hopefulness. When wallowing becomes custom, our light diminishes into darkness. Instead of “turning our backs on God”, we must acknowledge and accept that trials are to be expected in this present age, and resolve to be “perplexed, but not despairing” when life is unkind. (2 Corinthians 4:8)

Today, I want to share ten simple tips that I find incredibly useful when I am tempted to pull an “Anne Shirley” and sink into “the depths of despair“. If you, at times, battle with feelings of hopelessness and defeat, this one’s for you. May these simple techniques shine a bright light in the deep waters. Tip #1:


I know, I know…telling someone going through a trial to pray, or that we will pray for them, sounds about as cliché as you can get. However, I once heard prayer described this way: “it’s not the least we can do, but the most we can do.” What a lovely reminder! We must realize that talking to The King of Kings and Lord of Lords about our cares and concerns shouldn’t be regarded as a last ditch effort, but as our first line of defense. Sheryl Crow’s song “Light in Your Eyes” puts it like this: “You gotta talk to the one who made you. Talk to the one who understands. Talk to the one who gave you all the light in your eyes.” Yes, indeed. Talking to the one who breathed life into your soul and put the very light in your eyes is one powerful battle strategy. When a tear falls upon your cheek, don’t despair – bow your head and pray. When you feel a surge of discomfort soar through your heart at the thought of your trial, don’t despair – give it to God. Every single time you feel the weight of your burden, seek Him and ask for His help. Our loving Father has an open ear for His little ones. Are you in the depths of despair? Say your prayers!

In my distress I called upon the Lord, yes, I cried to my God; And from His temple He heard my voice, and my cry for help came into His ears. – 1 Samuel 22:7

Is anyone among you suffering? Then he must pray. – James 5:13a

Tip #2:


“Counting our many blessings and naming them one by one” is more than a cute idea to sing about in the pew, it’s an excellent practice for daily life. Spotting our perks is a great way to get our minds off of everything that’s going wrong in our world, and onto everything that’s going right. Now, the idea of counting our blessings can sound like little more than dull routine…like counting sheep before falling off to sleep. What a snore! But did you ever notice how easy it is to “count” things that we truly appreciate? A man, while driving, might exclaim to his passengers, “Whoa, did you see how many Corvettes just drove by?!”, or a woman, while tidying her bedroom, might gush to herself, “just look at all these beautiful clothes lining my closet”, or an exuberant toddler, while at the park, might boast to his playmate, “I had one…two…THREE lollipops yesterday!”. We love to count those things that light us up inside. The key is to allow all the little things in life to catch our attention and delight us…from sunlight pouring through the trees, to cheerful birdsong, to freshly laundered sheets. Are you in the depths of despair? Spot Your Perks!

Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget none of His benefits. – Psalm 103:2

For of His fullness we have all received, and grace upon grace. – John 1:16

Tip #3:


This tip builds on the previous one, for it also involves taking account of one’s blessings. While Tip #2 focused primarily on our acknowledgement and enjoyment of our “perks”, Tip #3 is about reinforcement of those positive feelings by vocalized praise. Women have a tendency to “think” through speech. When we “talk through” our feelings about something, it often helps us formulate and organize our thoughts, making sense of our otherwise insensible emotions. Unfortunately, many women choose to “talk through” their feelings in an evil and unfruitful manner…using their voices for slandering, gossiping, meddling, complaining, arguing, boasting, male-bashing, etc., and of course these godless activities are to be strictly shunned. But, with careful self-management, “talking through” our feelings can be a useful tool. Have you spotted a perk in your day? Speak! Say, “Thank you, Lord.” Have you received an answer to prayer? Speak! Glorify God by telling someone about it. Have you experienced growth in some area? Speak! Remind yourself how far you’ve come by the grace of God. Are you in the depths of despair? Speak Your Praises!

I shall make mention of the lovingkindnesses of the Lord, the praises of the Lord, according to all that the Lord has granted us, and the great goodness toward the house of Israel, which he has granted them according to His compassion and according to the abundance of His lovingkindnesses. – Isaiah 63:7

And a voice came from the throne, saying, “give praise to our God, all you his bond-servants, you who fear Him, the small and the great.” – Revelation 19:5

Tip #4:


I’ve said it before and I say it again now – women have a fabulous knack for remembering. God gifted us helpmeets with the uncanny ability to recall such things as birthdays and anniversaries, family appointments and events, homemaking tips and tricks, and the list goes on. Our little record-playing brains come as a great asset to the family, but they can also get us in a world of trouble if we’re not careful with what records we allow to take up residence in our memory core. When a woman uses her stellar memory to retain negative past experiences, she will do great harm to herself, and quite possibly, to others. (I don’t mean to say that we ought never to remember anything bad – we don’t want to be so forgetful as to become like a dog that returns to its vomit, or a sow to wallowing in the mire – my point is that we should not dwell on these things, playing them back again and again as an unhealthy obsession or addiction.) If we’re constantly looking backward, we can not see our way forward in life. “Yesterday is history”, they say – learn from it, but don’t live in it. Are you in the depths of despair? Stop Your Playbacks!

Let your eyes look directly ahead and let your gaze be fixed straight in front of you. – Proverbs 4:25

Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead. – Philippians 3:13

Tip #5:


When I was a child, my father taught me the oddly effective technique of smiling when I was stuck in a depressive or cantankerous way. It sounds absurd, but flashing your pearly whites when you least feel like it really can help to brighten a bad mood. We are so accustomed to smiling only when happy, that the very act of wearing a smile can trick our brains into believing that everything is a-okay. (Please do not misunderstand: I am not recommending this tip for times of deep anguish such as the death of a loved one, but only for minor trials or merely unpleasant circumstances.) The trick is to smile in a way that looks and feels natural during our joyful moments. Pulling the sides of your mouth up in a pitiful half-frown/half-smile won’t produce the desired effect. You have to smile like you mean it. It might feel ludicrous at first, but the silliness just might make you laugh and help pull you out of your sour mood. “Turn that frown upside down” and show a smile. Maybe soon you’ll find that the only thing keeping you down was the grimace you were wearing before. Are you in the depths of despair? Show Your Pearls!

A man’s wisdom illumines him and causes his stern face to beam. – Ecclesiastes 8:1b

Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, rejoice! – Philippians 4:4

Tip #6:


“Getting your mind off of yourself and onto others” (as my father is wont to say) is a surefire way to rise above pain. By shifting our focus from our own needs to the needs of someone else, the troubles we have can seem as diminished before our very eyes. Now, lest you be overwhelmed by the thought of service, know that “serving your people” doesn’t always have to be a monumental feat. Ordinary acts of service performed in love are praiseworthy. The deeds of the famous Proverbs 31 Woman were as ordinary as they come, and yet she was called virtuous. Many of our deeds are without renown, but nonetheless make our Heavenly Father proud and provide us with personal fulfillment. We serve when we make love to our husbands. We serve when we cook meals for our children. We serve when we write sympathy cards for widows. We serve when we make strangers feel welcome in our presence. We serve when we offer someone a cold drink on a hot day, or a hot drink on a cold day. The more we seek to bring joy to others’ lives, the more joy we will experience in return. Are you in the depths of despair? Serve Your People!

The generous man will be prosperous, and he who waters will himself be watered. – Proverbs 11:25

In everything I showed you that by working hard in this manner you must help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.” – Acts 20:35

Tip #7:


Brace yourself for another (seemingly) cliché tip, but it’s gotta be said…read your Bible! The scriptures are an indispensable aid to the weary soul. When we realize that Jesus Christ Himself is the Word of God, we realize that getting into the Word is getting into Him. Between the pages of our Bibles, we read accounts of others who were tested and tried in all manner of ways…and persevered through the power of their God. We read of God’s mercy, deliverance, and healing. We read of despair transformed to hope, defeat transformed to victory, and death transformed to life. The Word is no mere relic to collect dust on a shelf – but a living, active, very present help in times of trouble. Along with your Bible, reading high quality books is an excellent tool for pulling one out of despair. Great works of fiction can inspire and ennoble the best in us. I highly recommend the incomparable works of J.R.R. Tolkien. For non-fiction, Debi Pearl and Helen Andelin are invaluable resources. (I may not agree with their every belief, but they are both nearly spot-on when it comes to feminine ethics.) Are you in the depths of despair? Study Your Parchment!

This is my comfort in my affliction, that your word has revived me. – Psalm 119:50

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. – John 1:1

Tip #8:


Our environment can have an immense influence over our emotional well-being, be it for better or for worse. Let’s face it: living in a dump only serves to keep us down in the dumps. See, despair often stems from a lack of control over one’s environment. And while it’s true that we can’t always control the environment in which we live, it shows a lack of character when we neglect to positively impact those areas that are within our control. Sprucing the home is one way we can have a say over our small corner of the world. Will that which is within our control be messy and chaotic? Or will we rather nurture a place of beauty and well-ordered arrangement? Cleaning and tidying our home comes with many benefits. The visual appeal of a spruced home helps us feel at peace. The daily routines help us foster self-discipline. The pleasant atmosphere helps us offer our husbands a restful haven. The faithful and cheerful work ethic helps us introduce Biblical womanhood before our children. The freedom from embarrassment over a filthy home helps us open our door to guests. Are you in the depths of despair? Spruce Your Palace!

The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands. – Proverbs 14:1

…encourage the young women to be…workers at home… – excerpt from Titus 2:4-5

Tip #9:


Pets add many smiles to the lives of their masters. And while you will not find me advocating for “emotional support animals” and such like – nor do I buy into the nonsensical notion that “animals are people, too” – I will readily say that pets can bring joy to a troubled heart by way of their adorable antics. Our animals can provide a welcome relief to us when times are tough – for when we place our love upon another living, breathing, creature (whether man or beast), it gets us outside of ourselves and renews our vigor for life. What pet-owner has not felt a surge of joy when seeing their treasured cat or dog frolicking among the leaves? What pet-owner has not temporarily forgotten their anguish when petting their little pal? What pet-owner has not felt their eyes light up in wonder at the arrival of a healthy new litter of puppies or kittens (or bunnies, or hamsters, or lambs, etc. etc.)? A pet does not have the capacity to love its master, yet the love a master gives a pet fills the master’s heart with care for living beings and causes them to magnify and glorify the Master of All Life. Are you in the depths of despair? Snuggle Your Pet!

But now ask the beasts, and let them teach you; and the birds of the heavens, and let them tell you…and let the fish of the sea declare to you. Who among all these does not know that the hand of the Lord has done this, in whose hand is the life of every living thing – excerpt from Job 12:7-10

For since the creation of the world His invisible attributes, His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly seen, being understood through what has been made… Romans 1:20a

Tip #10:


When we are in despair, lying around feeling sorry for ourselves is what feels natural. But lying around in a spirit of self-pity only breeds more despair. We have to make an effort to get up and get active. When was the last time you played a board game, or a card game, or kicked a ball around in the yard? Some healthy competition with loved ones is a fun way to get the heart racing and the blood pumping. Activity is often just what the doctor ordered when we are in a bad way. In our present day, activity is decreasing and anxiety is increasing. It’s the age of the couch potato! Hours a day are spent on smartphones, and many live essentially inert lives. Let’s be the exception to that lifestyle. It is liberating to free oneself from the chains of modern day technology for much of the day, and participate in some good old-fashioned play. It’s pretty hard to feel down when your brain is wrapped up in keeping a hold on Park Place, remembering to yell “Uno!” or making that hole-in-one. Aside from the benefits to your mental health, playing some games just might benefit your relationships, too. Are you in the depths of despair? Score Your Points!

And the streets of the city will be filled with boys and girls playing in the streets. – Zechariah 8:5

Do you not know that those who run in a race all run, but only one receives the prize? Run in such a way that you may win. Everyone who competes in the games exercises self-control in all things. They then do it to receive a perishable wreath, but we an imperishable. – 1 Corinthians 9:24-25

In conclusion…

Have you ever been in “the depths of despair“? I know I have. Unlike the exemplary and dearly admired character of Marilla Cuthbert from Anne of Green Gables, I cannot claim that I have “never been that way”, nor imagined it. Rather, I have mimicked Anne Shirley’s character on too many occasions. I have at times felt crippled by grief, I have wallowed in misery, and I have dressed my wounds with the poisonous balm of self-pity. I have at times been so overcome by bitter circumstance, that going on another day seemed a nearly impossible feat. But by God’s grace, on dark days, the “Marilla” within has reminded me:

  • Say Your Prayers
  • Spot Your Perks
  • Speak Your Praises
  • Stop Your Playbacks
  • Show Your Pearls
  • Serve Your People
  • Study Your Parchment
  • Spruce Your Palace
  • Snuggle Your Pet, and
  • Score Your Points

May these ten tips serve to pull you out of the abyss on your dark days, as well.

Do not despair, damsel. Lift your eyes to the mountains where your help is found, and never give up hope.

Why are you in despair, O my soul? And why are you disturbed within me? Hope in God, for I shall again praise Him, the help of my countenance and my God. – Psalm 43:5

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

His Wish is My Command

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Children born of fairy stock
Never need for shirt or frock,
Never want for food or fire,
Always get their heart’s desire:
Jingle pockets full of gold,
Marry when they’re seven years old.
Every fairy child may keep
Two strong ponies and ten sheep;
All have houses, each his own,
Built of brick or granite stone;
They live on cherries, they run wild–
I’d love to be a Fairy’s child.

– “I’d Love to Be a Fairy’s Child” by Robert Graves

When I was a little girl, this poem was among my personal favorites. I was enchanted by the idea of being a fairy (or “faerie”, as my old-fashioned heart prefers to spell it – in the traditional Anglo-Saxon style). Part of my affection for this poem may also have stemmed from the line “marry when they’re seven years old”, since as long as I can remember, my deepest desire was to be a wife. I surely would have married at the ripe old age of seven if given the option; pity I wasn’t born one of those oh-so-fortunate mythical beings of which Robert Graves wrote! If only I were a faerie, perhaps I might have found my husband sooner and loved him longer. (I confess, I’ve always had a touch of hopeless romanticism.) Ah well, a girl can dream!

At about ten years old, a church friend and I were “hired” for an afternoon of cleaning in my parents’ general store. My mother assured us that if we showed forth good work ethic, my friend and I could each pick out some candy plus anything else in the store that struck our fancy (up to a certain dollar amount). For some time, I had been eyeballing an exquisite, silver-lined, plush-covered book my parents had for sale. It was all about different kinds of faeries; complete with whimsical poetry and charming pictures. My friend and I put all our efforts into making my parents’ store sparkle and shine, and we two girls both walked out of the store that day as the proud new owners of the last two volumes left in stock of A Deluxe Book of Flower Fairies by Cicely Mary Barker. We spent hours poring over those books in all their glory.

My affinity for faeries followed me from early childhood on into my teen years, during which I dubbed the two young daughters of a family friend, “my little faeries”. This was considered the highest compliment in all the world to those girls, who embraced the magic wholeheartedly. Playing “faeries” became our special game whenever they would pay us a visit, and between the three of us, we were called “Tree Faerie”, “Flower Faerie”, and “Mushroom Faerie”, respectively. Even our brothers (their elder, and my younger) wanted to join in on the fun, so after much consideration on my part, they were designated the “tree hoppers”. We five had many delightful adventures as guardians of the trees, flowers, and mushrooms.

As an older teen, I took on the social media handle, “The Auburn Faerie”, which I was using at the time I met my husband. He found the name alluring, and during our courtship days he wrote me a love poem entitled, “What Do Faeries Do?”, about a man discovering a faerie while taking a walk through the forest. In the poem, the man is so captivated by the faerie and curious about her kind, that he continues to wonder within himself just exactly what it is that faeries are all about, and what that might mean for him.

You might be wondering: how does all this tie into today’s lesson? Well, a while back, I was pondering the phrase, “your wish is my command”. It’s quite a pleasant phrase when you think about it. When one says these warm words in response to a request, they are affirming that they are eager and willing to be of service to another. They are saying that they don’t have to be bribed or threatened or coerced into action…they simply hear the desire of the other person and consider it their solemn duty to fill it out of love. Sounds a bit like the heart of a submissive wife towards her man, does it not? “His wish is my command” is certainly a worthy maxim for the Christian wife to live by. Now, when I think of the word, “wish”, a connection comes to mind. I automatically link this word to – can you guess? – faeries! The enchantment of my youth. I am reminded of the long forgotten question: “What Do Faeries Do?” Instantly, the answer is there. Why, they grant wishes, of course! Just like wives of excellence seek to do for their husbands. Perhaps I really can be a faerie after all?! Thus, the idea for His Wish is My Command is born.

What are faeries (wives) all about, and what do they have to offer to the world of men (their husbands)? Today’s article seeks to answer, in three points, these musings which my husband put forth all those years ago by way of a little love poem. If you would be the “magic” in your husband’s life, then stick around. Let’s look at three truths that stand the test of time, concerning the dealings between faeries and men.

Faerie Fact #1:

The fairies, as is their custom, clapped their hands with delight over their cleverness, and they were so madly in love with the little house that they could not bear to think they had finished it. So they gave it ever so many little extra touches, and even then they added more extra touches.

– J.M Barrie, Peter Pan in Kensington Gardens

J.M. Barrie, author of Peter Pan, creator of Tinkerbell, and presumably the authority on faeries, portrayed his little winged ladies as those who love to learn. Cleverness was a delight to these faeries, and they felt so fulfilled by having conquered a newly learned skill (in this case, the building of a house) that they wanted to keep adding to and perfecting the work they had done. A Christian wife can glean a lot from this fictional example. Do we share the faeries’ fervor for learning, especially in regard to our husbands?

If we are to be women whose motto is “his wish is my command”, our first step is to learn what our husband’s wishes are in the first place. There are two basic ways to do this: 1.) asking him, or 2.) observing him. I find the latter approach to be most effective, most of the time. While some husbands are more vocal about their desires, the vast majority of men are not “talkers”. The average man would much rather his wife ascertain his wishes by observation and learning, rather than by goading him for his opinion on every little thing. A good wife asks her husband’s wishes, but a great wife knows her husband’s wishes. This knowing does not happen overnight, but it is built “order on order…line on line…a little here, a little there…” over the course of a godly marriage. And if you love to learn, you’re already off to a great start.

A common marital mishap women make is to submit to their men only in the “big things”. Many a wife lives in such a way that says to her husband “my wish is my command”. She goes where she pleases, dresses how she likes, indulges in hobbies she prefers, befriends who she fancies, etc. in her everyday life, but (if her husband is lucky) she’ll submit to him when it comes to a massive life decision, such as what new town to move to…and this after many a long discussion and persuasion on the part of her husband. Since husbands and wives reflect the relationship between Christ and His church, this kind of “submission” is akin to a Christian telling Jesus, “I’ll submit to you in the really big decisions like getting baptized and saving sex for marriage, but for the other 99% of my life I’ll be following my own wishes”. Unacceptable.

If we are to be virtuous help meets, we must have an attitude of submission to our husbands in all things, both great and small. We must approach every area of life in a “his wish is my command” sort of way. Whether by asking or observing, we must seek to discover our husband’s wishes so that we can grant them. There are innumerable questions we can ask ourselves each day. The 5 W’s is a great starting point:

Who does my husband want me to be? What does my husband want me to do? When does he want me to do it? Where does he want me to spend my time? Why does he react the way he does to certain behaviors? These 5 categories should address most, if not all, of his wishes. Ask yourself these kinds of questions as you go about your day, and your marriage will flourish. If you learn your man’s desires, and if you have a soft and submissive heart, fulfilling them will be a breeze. After all, “knowing is half the battle”!

“What do faeries do?” We love to learn our husbands. We “clap our hands with delight over our cleverness“, we “cannot bear to think we have finished“, we add “ever so many little extra touches” to his home, and “even then add more extra touches“. We are in a constant state of observing, learning, adjusting, and perfecting. We bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life when we love to learn.

An excellent wife is the crown of her husband… – Proverbs 12:4a

Faerie Fact #2:

Tink was not all bad: or, rather, she was all bad just now, but, on the other hand, sometimes she was all good. Fairies have to be one thing or the other, because being so small they unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time. They are, however, allowed to change, only it must be a complete change.

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

This quote made me chuckle, because it is so true about “faeries” – the wifely variety, that is. Members of the fairer sex have proven time and time again, since the Garden of Eden, to be creatures led greatly by emotion…sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. The capacity to love passionately and hate venomously both reside within our feminine makeup. And just like Little Miss Tinkerbell, we “unfortunately have room for one feeling only at a time“. Sadly, many nurture feelings of hatred for their husbands. But feelings are fickle things, and, thankfully, we are “allowed to change, only it must be a complete change“.

All the marriage gurus will tell you that “love is a choice”. I believe this to be true. I also believe that “love is a feeling”. This is not a contradiction, because choices and feelings are not mutually exclusive. When you love to learn your husband (a mighty fine choice), you learn to love your husband (a mighty fine feeling). When choices and feelings are in tandem, a healthy, happy, holy, harmonious marriage ensues.

Helen Andelin, author of Fascinating Womanhood (a cherished book of mine that comes highly recommended), wrote and spoke on many exemplary traits of the “fascinating” wife. Two of these go hand-in-hand with loving to learn and learning to love. These two traits are: acceptance and admiration. Acceptance means loving a man in spite of his flaws. Admiration means loving a man because of his virtues. Together, they mean loving the whole man. Do you accept and admire your husband?

When you make the choice to accept your husband for who he is right now, flaws and all, it will allow your heart and eyes to open up and see his good qualities. We must choose acceptance in order to feel admiration. Has there yet been upon this earth a husband so foul that not one good quality could be found within him? If perchance that may be, I pity the wife married to such a beast. I will venture to guess, however, that most women who read this article are married to men who possess a myriad of qualities, both good and bad. I adjure these women to stop focusing on the bad and start looking for the good.

Is your husband morally upright? Is he wise? Is he kind? Is he patient? Is he disciplined? Is he selfless? If you can say yes to one or more of these questions, you hardly need any admonishment to admire your husband…certainly you chose well and belong to a man of stalwart character! But if your husband is not a Christian, or at least not strong in his spiritual attributes, perhaps he possesses some positive social traits. Is your husband successful in his career? Is he intelligent? Can he be depended upon to solve problems? Does he run a budget? Can he give a good speech? Lean into those skills and praise them! Even if he lacks good social skills, perhaps he is, at the least, somatically sound. Does he bring home a paycheck? Can he lift a heavy load? Would he defend the home against an intruder? Is he a capable driver? Does he have a warm embrace? Is he physically appealing? Admire these qualities…make him feel like a man.

“What do faeries do?” We learn to love our husbands. We accept their bad qualities, knowing that wives are not given the power of authority over their husbands, but rather the power of influence – to “win without a word”. We admire their good qualities, knowing that a wife’s approval can do much to make or break a man’s self-worth. We bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life when we learn to love.

…encourage the young women to love their husbands… – Titus 2:4a

Faerie Fact #3:

I do believe in fairies! I do! I do!

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

It is claimed in J.M. Barrie’s lore, “every time a child says that they don’t believe in faeries, there is a faerie somewhere that falls down dead”. And if a faerie is fading and on the brink of death, nothing is so healing as the words, “I do believe in faeries“, accompanied by a hearty clap of the hands. Certainly this sentiment also rings true for wives, as nothing feels quite so hopeless as being rejected; nothing so life-giving as being believed in and loved. What woman would not yearn for her husband to say, “I do believe in you”?

If you would have your husband regard and treat you as his faerie queen, you know what you need to do. Sow seeds of learning and seeds of loving into your marriage, and you will reap a bountiful harvest. Forsake the destructive path of “my wish is my command”. This mindset is the way of the world – the way that exalts women and children into positions of power and stomps men under their feet. The way that leads to sin and sorrow – unhappy men, unhappy women, unhappy children, broken families, broken churches, and broken nations. How much better to follow The Way – the path set forth in God’s word? Take this path, and not only will your husband be well-pleased in you, but the King of Kings will be, also. Foster a gentle and quiet spirit – the innocent essence of a faerie – for this is precious in the sight of God.

“What do faeries’ husbands do?” They learn and love their faeries. They cannot help but to be won over by the subtle charms of the faerie folk: submissive faerie hearts, soft faerie mannerisms, and stunning faerie appearances, all wrapped up in sweet little faerie packages. A man who is fortunate enough to be in possession of such a rare and hard-to-find treasure will soon find himself saying, “I do believe in faeries! I do! I do!” When we bring the sparkle and magic to our husband’s life, we will be learned and loved.

Her husband…he praises her, saying: “many daughters have done nobly, but you excel them all.” – Proverbs 31:28b-29

In conclusion…

“What do faeries do?” They love to learn, they learn to love, and in turn, they are learned and loved.

If you would bring the sparkle and magic to your husband’s life, then you must become a faerie who says “his wish is my command“. Adopt this as your mantra, and your husband will certainly come to feel that:

All the world is made of faith, and trust, and pixie dust.

– J.M. Barrie, Peter Pan

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Hold Your Peace

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It never did, and never will,
Put things in better fashion,
Though rough the road, and steep the hill,
To fly into a passion.

And never yet did fume or fret
Mend any broken bubble;
The direst evil, bravely met,
Is but a conquered trouble.

Our trials___did we only know___
Are often what we make them;
And mole-hills into mountains grow,
Just by the way we take them.

Who keeps his temper, calm and cool,
Will find his wits in season;
But rage is weak, a foaming fool,
With neither strength nor reason.

And if a thing be hard to bear
When nerve and brain are steady,
If fiery passions rave and tear,
It finds us maimed already.

Who yields to anger conquered lies___
A captive none can pity;
Who rules his spirit, greater is
Than he who takes a city.

A hero he, though drums are mute,
And no gay banners flaunted;
He treads his passions under foot,
And meets the world undaunted.

Oh, then, to bravely do our best,
Howe’er the winds are blowing;
And meekly leave to God the rest,
Is wisdom worth the knowing!

– “Keep Your Temper” by Ellen P. Allerton

The art of remaining calm in the face of adversity is one of the most challenging skills to learn in life…and one of the most rewarding. As Mrs. Allerton aptly pointed out, losing one’s temper does not positively affect negative circumstances, but only serves to make us look and act the fool. Those who can keep their cool (even when being sorely mistreated) are wiser and stronger than the mightiest warrior.

  • When others hurt you, is it your custom to “fly into a passion”?

  • Do you “fume and fret” when going through a rough patch?

  • Are you apt to turn “mole-hills into mountains”?

If you struggle with these temper temptations, today’s lesson is for you. The title, Hold Your Peace, is a bit of a double innuendo. To hold one’s peace is to zip the lip. Put a lock on it. Clap the trap. In other words, it means to refrain from speaking. Yet there’s also a two-sided aspect of this phrase which I love: when you “hold your peace” (control your outward composure), you literally “hold your peace” (maintain your inner tranquility). And isn’t that unshakable internal serenity something we all would like to get a firm grip on?

Allow me to share with you the three steps involved in Holding Your Peace. If you can learn to follow these three steps when wronged, never again will anyone have the power to steal the peace that is in you.

The first step to holding your peace is to…

In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.

– Francis Bacon, “Of Revenge,” Essays (1625)

The ability to pass over an offense is a virtue most people have in short supply. Instead of holding our peace when we are mistreated, our natural tendency is to return an attack on the culprit. (You know: “the best defense is a good offense”??) We might even feel justified in hurting those who hurt us…after all, don’t they deserve a taste of their own medicine? This may be worldly wisdom, but it is not the way.

For you have been called for this purpose, since Christ also suffered for you, leaving you an example for you to follow in His steps, Who committed no sin, nor was any deceit found in His mouth; and while being reviled, He did not revile in return; while suffering, He uttered no threats, but kept entrusting Himself to Him who judges righteously. – 1 Peter 2:21-23

WWJD when people hurt Him? The above verse gives us a pretty good idea.

We have to Let It Be.

Now, here are a few things that Letting it Be is not…

Letting it be is not approving of evil behavior. It is not condoning abuse. It is not clinging to toxic relationships. It is not outwardly giving the silent treatment and inwardly fostering hatred and bitterness.

Here’s what Letting it Be is…

Letting it be is neglecting to participate in evil behavior. It is refusing to stoop to the level of an abuser. It is walking away from toxic relationships. It is staying silent out of strength and meekness, not spite and malice.

Next time you are mistreated, I challenge you to simply Let it Be. Don’t allow someone else’s sin to cause you to sin. Break the cycle! It may feel good in the moment to “sock it to ’em” when people hurt us, but it doesn’t pay. Far better is the feeling that comes with knowing that you had the inner resolve and strength of character to hold your peace. Stay soft and sweet. God will take special note of the innocent.

Do not say, “I will repay evil”; wait for the Lord, and He will save you. – Proverbs 20:22

Never take your own revenge, beloved, but leave room for the wrath of God, for it is written, “vengeance is mine, I will repay,” says the Lord. – Romans 12:19

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let it Be. The second step to holding your peace is to…

As I walked out the door toward the gate that would lead to my freedom, I knew if I didn’t leave my bitterness and hatred behind, I’d still be in prison.

– Nelson Mandela

A good memory can be both a blessing and a curse. Women tend to be like elephants (in mind, not in midsection) – what I mean is, we never forget! And while this can be a great skill to have when memorizing the ingredients of our husband’s favorite dish, filing away dates and times for family appointments, or remembering our grandchild’s birthday, it’s not such a positive thing when it comes to recalling past offenses. We females have a tendency to recollect and ruminate on wrongs done to us…replaying the ugly records over and over in our mind and throwing ourselves a great big pity party.

As Nelson Mandela pointed out in the quote above, bitterness and hatred only serve to imprison us. Scripture says much the same thing:

…by what a man is overcome, by this he is enslaved. – 2 Peter 2:19b

We have to Let it Go.

Now, here are a few things that Letting it Go is not…

Letting it go is not denying the reality that you experienced pain. It is not saying that the person who hurt you is a swell individual. It is not repeatedly putting yourself back in harm’s way. It is not allowing toxic people to come back into your life without having changed.

Here’s what Letting it Go is…

Letting it go is acknowledging the pain you experienced, but choosing to release it. It is realizing that forgiveness says a lot more about you than it does about your offender. It is both relinquishing the bad old memories and striving to avoid making bad new memories. It is having enough self-respect to distance yourself from those who continually mistreat you without repentance.

No matter how rotten we’ve been treated, it simply doesn’t serve us to dwell on past wrongs. As long as we are stuck in the past, we not only cease to grow into a new and flourishing future, but we actually grow into something ugly – we become dark and miserable humans who only think of licking our wounds. We don’t level up, we don’t think of being a blessing to others…instead it’s all “poor me”. Gross! Remember, we want to hold our peace, not hold our grudges.

Do not call to mind the former things, or ponder things of the past. – Isaiah 43:18

Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. – Ephesians 4:31

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let it Go. The third and final step to holding your peace is to…

Waiting on God requires the willingness to bear uncertainty, to carry within oneself the unanswered question, lifting the heart to God about it whenever it intrudes upon one’s thoughts.

– Elisabeth Elliot

Trusting in the Lord is basically Christianity 101…yet when we are going through a trial, it’s easy to fall into despair. When the people who hurt us continue merrily along life’s path, never being held to task for their wrongs, never relenting in their pursuit of evil, and never meeting their demise, we may begin to feel like God has forgotten us or simply doesn’t care about our plight. I’m sure this is how the Israelites felt under harsh Egyptian bondage…I’m sure it’s how countless Jews felt under Hitler’s wicked regime…I’m sure it’s how many battered wives feel under the cruel hand of their abusive husbands. Of course God does not forget about us, nor is He apathetic about us. He cares deeply for each and every one of His children. However, He does not work on our time table:

But by His word the present heavens and earth are being reserved for fire, kept for the day of judgment and destruction of ungodly men. But do not let this one fact escape your notice, beloved, that with the Lord one day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years like one day. The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance. – 2 Peter 3:7-9

Our God is a God of justice, but He is also a God of mercy. He is a God who prepares a fiery judgment for the wicked, but He is also a God who extends an invitation for the wicked to repent. He is a God who says, “you’re finished”, and He is a God who says, “I’m not finished with you yet”. Did you ever consider that God sometimes “holds His peace”? He doesn’t always send fire and brimstone down upon every lowlife – not right away, even if that is the end goal. But we can be assured that His judgment comes in the right measure, at the right time. We need to have enough humility to accept that He will move when the time is right. We have to Let God Work.

Now, here are a few things that Letting God Work is not…

Letting God work is not regarding our Lord like a genie in a bottle. It is not allowing our faith to rise and fall with each accepted or denied prayer request. It is not demanding for our will to be done. It is not taking revenge on our enemies while we wait for God to act.

Here are a few things that Letting God Work is…

Letting God work is regarding our Lord as the sovereign King that He is. It is staying faithful whether or not He delivers us from our trials. It is humbly accepting His will, even if it does not align with ours. It is learning to let it be, to let it go, and to leave our eventual vindication in God’s hands.

Though we may endure hardship upon hardship in this life…though we may have our name slung through the mud as people lie about us, slander us, and false accuse us…though we may be abused and mistreated by those we show nothing but devoted Christian love to…still we will trust in Him. Though the hurt be profuse, we Christians are a hardy people. We pick ourselves up, we dust ourselves off, and we get back in the saddle again. We cast our cares on Jesus…for we know that one blessed day, not too far off, we will enter a new age where we will be surrounded by fellow comrades for Christ, and the enemies of the cross will reign no longer. Our present trial will be but a distant memory, as we enter the Promised Land.

Rest in the Lord and wait patiently for Him; do not fret because of him who prospers in his way, because of the man who carries out wicked schemes. – Psalm 37:7

Keep yourselves in the love of God, waiting anxiously for the mercy of our Lord Jesus Christ to eternal life. – Jude 21

Has someone treated you like dirt? Let God Work.

In conclusion…

How do you Hold Your Peace when you have been wronged?

You don’t “fly into a passion”. You don’t “fume and fret”. You don’t turn “mole-hills into mountains”.

Rather, you follow these 3 steps: You let it be, you let it go, and you let God work.

And above all, you…


May you be blessed, and remember to “forever hold your peace“.

For God’s glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Chaste Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.