Destress the Damsel

Of Health and Holiness

02.28.2018 by Chaste Bolks // Leave a Comment

Physician of my sin-sick soul,
To thee I bring my case;
My raging malady control,
And heal me by thy grace.

Pity the anguish I endure,
See how I mourn and pine;
For never can I hope a cure
From any hand but thine

I would disclose my whole complaint,
But where shall I begin?
No words of mine can fully paint
That worst distemper, sin.

It lies not in a single part,
But through my frame is spread;
A burning fever in my heart,
A palsy in my head.

It makes me deaf, and dumb, and blind,
And impotent, and lame;
And overclouds, and fills my mind,
With folly, fear, and shame.

A thousand evil thoughts intrude
Tumultuous in my breast;
Which indispose me for my food,
And rob me of my rest.

Lord I am sick, regard my cry,
And set my spirit free;
Say, canst thou let a sinner die,
Who longs to live to thee?

– “A Sick Soul” by John Newton

Sickness. If you have lived on this earth for any extended period of time, it is probable that you have been touched by it in some way, shape or form. From fevers, to the flu, to the common cold…we all despise being sick, but are hard pressed to avoid it. Try as we may, permanently avoiding any sort of malady or virus is nigh to impossible. Even the most health-conscious person can become stricken with a bout of sickness every once in a while. It’s just another result of the sin and chaos that entered the world back in the garden.

When we get sick or injured, the first thing we tend to do is to beseech God to heal our infirmity. Then, we ask others to join us on this mission. Now, mistake me not – prayer is a truly wonderful gift from God. It is an admirable heart that lays its cares upon the Lord. However, I am convinced that we are at times too quick to ask God to remove infirmities. What we don’t realize is that oftentimes, sickness and injuries are from God – a call to holiness, as it were. Would we be so brazen as to ask Him to remove that which is from His hand? Consider His powerful proclamation found in Deuteronomy 32:39:

See now that I, even I, am he, and there is no god with me: I kill, and I make alive; I wound, and I heal: neither is there any that can deliver out of my hand.

I believe that when we find ourselves down in the mouth, we should look not only upward, but inward. The first thing we ought to do is not: ask God to heal our sickness or injury. Rather, the first thing we ought to do is ask God to open our eyes to any sin in our life that He may be trying to reveal to us through our sickness or injury…

For thus saith the Lord, Thy bruise is incurable, and thy wound is grievous…because thy sins were increased, I have done these things unto thee. – Jeremiah 30:12; 15b

Now, I want to make it abundantly clear that not each and every malady is brought on by an individual’s personal sin. There are cases where a sickness or injury is simply a recurring disadvantage of the fall and the cursed state of our world. However, whether each case is in direct correlation to our personal sin or not, would we not do well to habitually stop and consider what teaching we might gain from our maladies?

For which cause we faint not; but though our outward man perish, yet the inward man is renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory; While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal. – 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Let us look at some examples of how we can view our infirmities as a spiritual wellness check-up:

(Note: I have supplied a link to each of the following verses. Please feel free to click on each as you read and allow God’s word to speak.)

**5 lessons for when I am in pain…**

If I have an earache, I will ask myself: Have I neglected to listen to godly advice from those who have tried to teach me? (Proverbs 5:11-13)

If I have a backache, I will ask myself: Have I put my trust in something of this world, rather than standing firm in God’s promises? (Psalm 20:7-8)

If I have a stomachache, I will ask myself: Have I refused to digest the vital meat from God’s word, thus failing to convert it to spiritual energy and apply it to my life? (Hebrews 5:12-14)

If I have a neckache, I will ask myself: Am I so puffed up with stubbornness that I can’t turn my neck and see anything but my own way? (Acts 7:51)

If I have a headache, I will ask myself: Have I placed myself in a position of authority that belongs only to the head of my household? (Ephesians 5:23; Colossians 2:19)

**5 Lessons for when I am impaired…**

If I suffer with insomnia, I will ask myself: Is there work to be done for the Lord worth staying up for? (Psalm 132:4-5)

If I suffer with frequent colds, I will ask myself: Do I approach the Lord’s table with ill feelings in my heart towards another christian? (Matthew 5:23-24; 1 Corinthians 11:27-30)

If I suffer with visual impairment, I will ask myself: Are my eyes blinded by the pursuit of materialism and worldly success? (Psalm 119:37; Ecclesiastes 5:10)

If I suffer with hearing impairment, I will ask myself: When I read God’s word, do I let it go in one ear and out the other? (James 1:22; Romans 2:13)

If I suffer with acne breakouts, I will ask myself: Have I been a voice of contention in my congregation; causing strife between brethren as a blemish in our midst? (2 Peter 2:10-13)

**5 Lessons for when I am ill paced…**

If I am laid up with a broken arm, I will ask myself: Have I used the arm of my strength to bully others of an inferior rank to myself (children, co-workers, etc.)? (Job 35:9)

If I am laid up with a broken leg, I will ask myself: Do I walk with Christ as fervently in private as I do in public? (Psalm 101:2)

If I am laid up with cuts and bruises, I will ask myself: Have my careless words left sore spots in others that linger past the initial damage? (Proverbs 18:8)

If I am laid up with dizziness/nausea, I will ask myself: Am I too weak and faint to stand up for those who are being put through the ringer? (Proverbs 24:10-12)

If I am laid up with menstrual cramps, I will ask myself: Do I let my feminine hormones control the mood of our household and cramp my family’s style? (Proverbs 14:1; Habakkuk 2:12)

In conclusion…

Whether we are in pain, impaired, or ill paced…let each of us make a habit of using our physical bodies as spiritual teachers at every opportunity. While this is by no means an exhaustive list of all the maladies the human body may be faced with, I hope that it offers you an idea of how to search for spiritual growth in the midst of your troubles. I pray that you have been blessed by this study of sin and sickness…and of health and holiness.

Surely it is meet to be said unto God, I have borne chastisement, I will not offend any more: That which I see not teach thou me: if I have done iniquity, I will do no more. – Job 34:31-32

Is any sick among you? let him call for the elders of the church; and let them pray over him, anointing him with oil in the name of the Lord: And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. – James 5:14-15

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Stupid Cupid

01.31.2018 by Chaste Bolks // 6 Comments

“Stupid Cupid, you’re a real mean guy
I’d like to clip your wings so you can’t fly
I’m in love and it’s a crying shame
And I know that you’re the one to blame
Hey hey, set me free
Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me.

I can’t do my homework and I can’t think straight
I meet her every morning ’bout half past eight
I’m acting like a lovesick fool
You’ve even got me carrying her books to school
Hey hey, set me free
Stupid Cupid, stop picking on me.”

– Excerpt from the song “Stupid Cupid”, written by Howard Greenfield and Neil Sedaka

“Cupid” is on the move again, folks! February is upon us, and one might say “love is in the air”. Stores are lined with everything from giant teddies, to heart-shaped boxes of chocolates, to rose bouquets. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to get the memo – Santa Claus is yesterday’s news, and Cupid is the big man on campus now. Countless love-struck teens and desperate husbands can be found standing in every line, trying their best to score brownie points with the expectant female they fancy.

Personally, I find Valentine’s Day to be completely over-rated. Make no mistake; I’ll take an excuse for a date night with my husband just as soon as the next girl. It’s not the whimsical celebration with our loved one that is wrong, but rather the worldly expectations that may accompany such a day. If a holiday is causing any of us to give in to greed, entitlement, or bitterness…then such a holiday needn’t even be on our radar.

A woman who gauges her love for her husband based on the romance and gifts he gives her, is just like a woman who only loves God for the blessings He gives her. This sort of “love” is not really love at all…it’s manipulation and self-gratification. The love a woman has for her husband (as well as her Lord) should be based upon who he is, not what she can get out of him. Yet sadly, many women confuse these two aspects.

With the 14th of February right around the corner, I want to challenge you to consider a Valentine’s Day that may fall short of your expectations. Let us look into three ways to make even the worst Valentine’s Day a day to remember…

Experience tells me that there will be many wives this Valentine’s Day who will be dealing with disappointment. Maybe their husband forgot what day it was – or if by chance he did remember the date, perhaps he didn’t make as much of a fuss as he “should” have to appease his little sweetheart. (Note my sarcasm)

Ladies! Are we children? Or are we grown women? Listen. Come what come may. We don’t have to stew. We don’t have to wallow. We don’t have to make other’s lives miserable on Valentine’s Day because of our lack of control. We as christians have the power within ourselves to move on from disappointment and get on with our day!

Disappointment is a fact of life. Most of us know this basic truth, but it can be hard to remember when the moment of disappointment comes. No one likes to be disappointed! Yet when it comes to dealing with disappointment, practice makes progress! As silly as it sounds, we need to learn to invite disappointment (to a degree, you understand). The more disappointments we have, and meet head on with an attitude of acceptance and a godly joy, the easier they will be to deal with. As we mature, the things that disappointed us in times past will hardly merit a passing glance, as Jesus becomes more our focal point and trivial “problems” of this world seem less important.

Satan basks in the victory of our self-pity. It brings a sinister smile to his face to see a wife whining and complaining about her “unromantic” and “unloving” husband. You know, the husband who just pales in comparison to the proverbial John Doe husband (that guy who always showers his wife with gifts, compliments, and adoration on Valentine’s Day.)

God is not impressed by our modern, materialistic, entitled worldview. For a sample of what He is impressed by, consider the following:

But godliness with contentment is great gain. For we brought nothing into this world, and it is certain we can carry nothing out. And having food and raiment let us be therewith content. – 1 Timothy 6:6-8

How many women are content with having only “food and raiment” from their man? I daresay very few. We’re all too busy whining about what we don’t have to appreciate such trifles. This is not God’s will for us. It’s time to grow up and learn to deal with disappointment.

A gracious woman retaineth honour: and strong men retain riches. – Proverbs 11:16

I had to laugh when I stumbled upon this passage, because it is so very true! Will we wives be gracious enough to retain an honorable attitude even when we (*gasp*) don’t get what we want? Better to have a strong man without a hole in his pocket than a pansy, browbeaten husband who rushes out to satisfy our every whim, losing his God-given authority in the process.

He that is greedy troubleth his own house; but he that hateth gifts shall live. – Proverbs 15:27

At face value, this passage sounds extreme. Are we really to “hate” gifts? Well, in contrast to the greedy heart, the Christian’s attitude towards gifts certainly looks like hate. The message this passage is meant to convey is this: if greed is bringing strife to your house (i.e. Valentine’s Day bickering) then it’s better to “hate” gifts than to live in such a way! Gifts are meant to bring joy and harmony to a household, not contention. It has been said that “whatever you have to have, owns you“. How true that is. If Valentine’s Day is causing your house to be filled with trouble, then it’s time to say goodbye to that stumbling block so that you can live.

The desire of a man is his kindness: and a poor man is better than a liar. – Proverbs 19:22

It’s almost one and the same as “lying” when a husband feels he has to rush out and buy gifts out of a supposed duty to satiate his wife’s girlish expectations. How much more special it is when a man is able to freely give out of the overflow of his heart at any time of the year, without a nagging wife at the forefront of his thoughts. How much more precious to have a sweet, unassuming wife waiting at home that would be genuinely delighted and grateful for his unexpected and undemanded gift. Better to have a poor and kind husband than one who showers with gifts out of “duty”.

Here’s my advice for you this Valentine’s Day:

Greet the day with zero expectations. The less expectations you have, the more freedom you will have. Having a peaceful, thankful, and joyful heart in all circumstances is one of the greatest gifts that you can offer to God, to your husband, and to yourself. Determine to keep a good attitude no matter what. You may not get the day you would have hoped for, but it can be a beautiful day nonetheless.

If by chance you do receive something from your husband? Good for you, girlfriend! Make it worth his while. Thank him! Adore him! Be truly and genuinely ecstatic that he would perform such an unexpected and undemanded act of love for you. This attitude only comes from a spirit of humility and gratitude. A prideful heart says “I deserve, give me more”, but a grateful heart says “Why, I don’t deserve this at all, what a pleasant surprise!”

Don’t let Stupid Cupid pick on you or me. Deal with disappointment, and be set free.

Once disappointment has been dealt with, it’s time to show that our heart is right by our actions. One way that we do this is by putting on a cheerful smile and donning our daily duties. We know that “a merry heart maketh a cheerful countenance” (Proverbs 15:13a)…and if our heart has truly dealt with disappointment, then we can easily take on a countenance of humility and servitude.

The world tells us women that on Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, Anniversaries, etc. that “it’s OUR day! It’s all about US!”. God’s word, on the other hand, says no such thing. In fact, we are to be humble servants of our husbands every day of the year, holiday or not. Do we have a humble and willing spirit towards our wifely duties all year long? Or do we give ourselves license to resent them when man-made holidays roll around? If the latter is true, we need to repent!

We may be tempted to have an attitude toward our husband that says “he doesn’t do anything for me, so I’m not going to do anything for him.” Do not be deceived, this stiffnecked behavior is not of God, but of the adversary! Our mighty God takes none too kindly to those who puff themselves up in their foolish anger and desire for revenge.

A man’s pride shall bring him low: but honour shall uphold the humble in spirit. – Proverbs 29:23

Humble yourselves therefore under the mighty hand of God, that he may exalt you in due time: Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you. – 1 Peter 5:6-7

Let none of us be counted as a silly wife forsaking her duties this holiday of her own volition. Rather, let us strive to emulate the virtuous woman described in scripture. When I read Proverbs 31, I don’t get a sense of a self-entitled woman demanding pampering and “me-time” for herself. On the contrary, I see a woman who works willingly with her hands (v. 13), rises up early to prepare food for her household (v. 15),girds herself with strength (v. 17),clothes her family (v. 21), watches well over her household and is not lazy (v. 27). These are only to name a few of her many attributes! If we desire to be virtuous women that please God and our husbands, then we need more work, and less whining.

“What is the reward for my labor?” you might ask…”what is the point of slaving away for my husband when he can’t spoil me every once in a while?” Do not lose heart, for your labors (however disregarded and unrewarded they may seem now) will in fact account for something when all is said and done:

Cast thy bread upon the waters: for thou shalt find it after many days. – Ecclesiastes 11:1

Notice the phrase “after many days”? The reward for our labor does not always come right away. In fact, it may not even come in this life at all. However, there is a natural law that says we reap what we sow. We don’t know when we will reap a reward, but we do know that we will reap a reward! If our heart is right, it should give us great comfort to know that our Heavenly Father sees our efforts at all times…even when others (including our husbands) don’t. We just have to be patient, and not lose sight of our purpose in the meantime.

Don’t let Stupid Cupid pick on you or me. Don your duties, and be set free.

We can deal with disappointment, we can don our duties…but if we want to really make this Valentine’s Day a special day to remember? Then we must make it so. If Valentine’s Day is something important to us, then why not make a campaign to bless others rather than thinking of ourselves? There is much joy to be had in giving.

Instead of thinking: “I can’t wait to see how my husband will bless me today…”
Think: “I can’t wait to see the look on my man’s face when I bless him today.”

Instead of thinking: “I am going to be treated like a queen.”
Think: “I am going to treat my husband like a king.”

Charity…seeketh not her own. – 1 Corinthians 13:5b

If we take on this attitude with a sincere heart, it won’t take us long to realize that it is more blessed to give than to receive. We can choose to let putting our husbands first embitter us, or empower us. The world calls us to live for self, but God’s word calls us to die to self! (Romans 6:6)

Pleasing our husbands can be FUN! – If – we let it be. The more we focus on our husbands, the more natural it becomes – and the less natural it seems to be thinking of ourselves.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. – Philippians 2:3-4

Don’t let Stupid Cupid pick on you or me. Dish out delight, and be set free.

My dear friends, let us purpose in our hearts this day to lay aside all worldly expectations that may accompany February the Fourteenth. Let us be joyful and thankful in all circumstances, for our treasures are not of this world, but in Christ. In Him, we have the power to take any and every day from a disappointment, to a duty, to a delight. The choice is ours. Let’s not let “Stupid Cupid” pick on us this Valentine’s Day, because…

Cupid is a knavish lad, Thus to make poor mortals mad! – William Shakespeare, A Midsummer Night’s Dream

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.

Our Daily Bed

12.24.2017 by Chaste Bolks // Leave a Comment

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky,
The flying cloud, the frosty light:
The year is dying in the night –
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die.

Ring out the old, ring in the new –
Ring, happy bells, across the snow:
The year is going, let him go;
Ring out the false, ring in the true…

– [excerpt] from “Ring Out, Wild Bells” by Alfred Lord Tennyson (1850)

As the first of January approaches, we are yet again mindful of another year gone by…as well as another new year in the making. This is the time of year when people find a renewed sense of purpose that seemed to elude them in days past. Ideas are fresh, minds are willing, and resolutions abound. In January, many decide to eat healthier, work harder, forgive faster, love deeper, and cross more to-do’s off of their ever-growing bucket lists!

Now, I certainly believe our mindset for doing better should always be “there’s no time like the present” – no matter what time of year it is. Yet perhaps January’s chiding presence is similar to that of the Lord’s table in the worship assembly. God’s grace allows us humans, feeble as we are, to be reminded week after week of Jesus’ sacrifice and our solemn need for renewal. We are to continue righteously all the week long, no doubt about it. Yet there is just something about a Sunday and breaking bread with the saints that sets our spiritual minds toward greater heights. In similar fashion, once every 365 days we become blessed with a new year – a reminder that we must not cling to yesterday’s trash, but press on to tomorrow’s treasure.

This year, I want to encourage all wives to make a resolution that will change their lives. I give you fair warning: if you are not interested in stepping out of your comfort zone, bettering your marriage by leaps and bounds, and serving in a behind-the-scenes sort of way, you might want to leave off reading now. However, if you wish to be the crowning jewel of your husband’s deepest desires, then I am here to help you achieve that goal.

Your mission this new year? Our daily bed. That’s right…this year I am encouraging you to place making love to your husband as a daily priority. I know, I know, I can hear the exasperated sighs even now of women who find sex the most unenjoyable pastime ever invented. Even so, I can personally tell you (woman to woman) that this one modification can take your marriage from boring to soaring.

Where are all the brave women of God at? Join us, as we consider the 9 Most Important Factors To Consider When Making This New Year’s Resolution A Reality…

A good resolution must have determination, or it will surely fail. It’s easy to make resolutions, but it is much harder to keep them. If we want to make resolutions that we are sure to keep, we have to be truly serious and intentional about them.

– Know your “why”. Is this resolution just another good intention? Or is it something you are truly passionate about seeing through? Make a list of the reasons you want to see this resolution become a reality, and look back in on it frequently when you feel apathetic.

(I would like to note that this is not an exhaustive article on all the biblical reasons to make love to your husband. If you are interested in reading something along those lines before proceeding further, I recommend checking out my article “The Damnable Defrauder” from April 2014. Perhaps it can help you to find your “why”.)

– Pray! Talk to God about how hard you are trying to please Him and your husband in this area. Ask Him to lead you; making you strong where you are currently weak. Then, show Him your sincerity by your actions. He will help see you through (if) you offer yourself as a vessel of His will.

– Schedule. Without a legitimate game plan, today’s good intention quickly become yesterday’s negligence. I suggest making love first thing every morning, so end of the day exhaustion will not become a factor. End of the day crumbs are hardly befitting of our earthly lords! Even so, this is merely a suggestion. Everyone’s schedule and sleep patterns differ, so timing is for you and your husband to figure out. At the end of the day, the most important thing is that you made a plan and you stuck to it.

Let thine eyes look right on, and let thine eyelids look straight before thee. Ponder the path of thy feet, and let all thy ways be established. – Proverbs 4:25-26

Know your “why”, pray, schedule…and most importantly, always follow through!

Many strokes overthrow the tallest oaks. – John Lyly, Euphues: The Anatomy of Wit (1579)

Fear, nervousness, and uncertainty are among the most common causes of defraudation. Women experience a sense of trepidation in regards to sex for various reasons. They may be self-conscious of their bodies. They might have an aversion to sex because of an ingrained idea that sex is dirty or disgusting. It could be that they have been hurt in the past, and are afraid of opening themselves up. Whatever the case may be, there is a little three word saying that goes:

Mind over matter.

These three words can turn an unpleasant experience into a tolerable one; and a tolerable experience into an enjoyable one.

We all know this childhood cause for trepidation: the diving board. You know what I’m talking about. You finally get old enough to dive into the deep end of the pool, so you saunter joyfully over to the boards. You wait in line without a care in the world, you climb the ladder with a song in your heart and a big grin on your face, and then you get to the edge and look down –. “Oh. This is horrible! Why did I ever decide to do this? The water is too far down. I can’t jump! What am I gonna do? Mom’s smiling and waving from across the room, the kid behind me is yelling “hurry up”, the lifeguard is frowning at me…I’m going to die. Please Lord, I’m just a kid! If I turn back now, all the other kids will laugh at me! *pause* Well, here goes nothing…” And so you jumped. You lived. Just like that it was over; it wasn’t so bad, and then you were climbing back up the ladder and diving over and over just as fast as the line would let you.

The diving board is a prime example of mind over matter. When we don’t allow ourselves an out, when we simply accept our present circumstances as they are and dive right in anyway, we realize that what we were afraid of really wasn’t so fearful after all.

Present fears / Are less than horrible imaginings. – Shakespeare, Macbeth (1605-06)

In other words, the fear of sex is far more terrible than the act itself. We know that God has not given us spirits of fear! Let us not give Satan a foothold by bringing trepidation into the marriage bed. We can and will rise victorious if we will implement “mind over matter”.

There is no fear in love; but perfect love casteth out fear: because fear hath torment. He that feareth is not made perfect in love. – 1 John 4:18

Communication is key when it comes to the marriage relationship…we all know that. Yet too many seem to forget this when it comes to sex. Many women clam up and feel embarrassed to talk about their sexuality; but talking about it makes it a whole lot easier to do it! (No pun intended…)

Much unhappiness has come into the world because of bewilderment and things left unsaid. – Dostoyevsky, “Critical Articles: Introduction,” Polnoye Sobraniye Sochinyeni (Complete Collected Works, 1895), v. 9

How true that is! A joyous marriage must have two people who are bound and determined to be one. In terms of communication, that means honesty, clarity, and not bottling up our feelings and leaving the other spouse guessing as to what we want. I am persuaded that best friends make the best lovers. What I mean is this: if you’re not very connected outside of the bedroom, you’re going to have a hard time being connected inside the bedroom. It’s important to try to build closeness in every aspect of the marriage.

As awkward as it may seem at first, try to normalize talking about sex by casually introducing it into conversations throughout the day. Your husband will love your flirtatious advances; and if your heart is right, you will get a kick out of finding more ways to rile him up and keep him longing for you.

Once sex becomes a more normal topic in conversation, it will become easier to help your husband know what you like, as well as come to him with any problems you are having physically or emotionally. As you overcome the barrier of communication and open up to your man in this way, it’s going to take your oneness to a whole new level.

…speak every man truth with his neighbor: for we are members one of another. – Ephesians 4:25b

If you are resolved to make “our daily bed” a reality for your marriage, then you must renew your mind with a sincere fascination for your man. In our thought lives, we must learn to always emphasize the positives, and minimize the negatives.

When I was a child, my father often gave me this exhortation: “change your thoughts, change your life”. This simple but meaningful phrase has impacted me in many ways through the years. If we can not change our thoughts inwardly, how can we expect to change our actions outwardly without meddling in deception and hypocrisy? Change must first come from within, lest our actions become merely an outward facade that amount to filthy rags in the sight of our Creator.

What do you find attractive about your husband? Allow yourself to focus on and delight in those things. Does he have a mischievous smile that makes your heart sing? Strong arms that fit around your frame just right? Gorgeous, understanding eyes? Whatever it is about him that makes you weak in the knees, dwell on it! Don’t be a fault-finder and dwell on what repulses you (i.e. he is sweaty, he has bad breath, you hate that big ugly mole on his chin) What good do such thoughts do? Satan would love to drive a wedge between you and your husband by having you dwell on the repulsive, but Christ would have you to dwell on the lovely. Whom will you obey? Consider the words of the Shullamite woman, who knew very well the joys of fascination:

My beloved is white and ruddy, the chiefest among ten thousand. His head is as the most fine gold, his locks are bushy, and black as a raven. His eyes are as the eyes of doves by the rivers of waters, washed with milk, and fitly set. His cheeks are as a bed of spices, as sweet flowers: his lips like lilies, dropping sweet smelling myrrh. His hands are as gold rings set with the beryl: his belly is as bright ivory overlaid with sapphires. His legs are as pillars of marble, set upon sockets of fine gold: his countenance is as Lebanon, excellent as the cedars. His mouth is most sweet: yea, he is altogether lovely. – Song of Solomon 5:10-15

Now that is a woman who honors her husband. How it must please God to hear a wife praise her husband so! May each of us learn from and emulate such passionate thoughts of our own husbands.

Starting today, I encourage you to take pride in the unique, special man that God has given you…and throw away any negative thoughts of him out of your mind the moment they enter.

God made sex to be enjoyed by married couples, plain and simple. Yet too many women have this mindset that sex is “dirty”, and can not fully let themselves enjoy the experience. This is not God’s perfect will for us! We have been wired from the beginning to desire our husbands in every way (including sexually), yet somehow we have allowed society to blur and pervert this truth. Let’s go back to Eden and see what God has to say about it…

Unto the woman he (God) said…thy desire [teshuqah] shall be to thy husband, and he shall rule over thee. – From Genesis 3:16 [clarification added]

We can see that we are called to desire our husbands. Yet what exactly does this look like in a marriage? If we look at the original Hebrew word for desire, “teshuqah”, I believe we will find that it has a more interesting meaning than meets the eye. It is defined as follows:

Teshuqah: stretching out after; desire, longing, craving. As in…

A. of man for woman
B. of woman for man
C. of beast to devour

This word speaks not only of want, but of yearning, craving, a real sense of “gotta have it“…in short, we are made to have the hots for our husbands! Still not convinced? Check out this God-inspired passage from Song of Solomon 2:3:

As the apple tree among the trees of the wood, so is my beloved among the sons. I sat down under his shadow with great delight, and his fruit was sweet to my taste.

Yep. You did just read that. Straight out of the word of God! This kind of marital delight is not disgusting, immoral, or shameful. It is pure, it is holy, it is uniting, and it is life-giving. Not only is it perfectly acceptable to find recreation in sex, our God would have us to find great delight therein.

Oh, the horrors of an expectant female. Like a leaky roof or a drippy faucet, no man asks for this in his life! Expectations are some of the biggest hindrances to marital bliss in general. If we continually focus on keeping everything about our husbands to our own personal standard, rather than letting him have a reasonable amount of liberty in Christ, we have become a stumbling block. It is so important to continually remember that we are to be our husband’s help meet…not the other way around. When the roles become reversed – watch out – sin lies at the door!

Expectations can likewise cause a rift in sexual harmony. If you are going to begin making love to your husband on a daily basis – here’s a crucial tidbit to keep at the forefront of your mind: this is mostly for him. It’s not primarily about our girlish desires for romance, quality bonding time, comfort, etc. Allow me to be transparent: this is mostly a physical release for him, so that he can go on purposefully with his day – unencumbered by temptations of the flesh. If we as women can begin to free ourselves from expectations, then every benefit we get out of sex will come as a happy little surprise.

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed. – Alexander Pope, Letter to John Gay, (Oct. 6, 1727)

While this may seem like a bleak outlook on life, it is actually excellent advice. The less we expect, and the more contented we become in taking on the role of humble servant, the more joy and peace filled we will be.

Some days you might get an hour long, candlelit tryst complete with romantic music and whispered words of heartfelt devotion…and other days you might get four and a half minutes in the bathroom wearing half a pair of pants while he’s running late for work! The point is, it’s not about us. It’s about pleasing God and our husband, and being available whenever, wherever…for however long. It is the way of a virtuous wife to focus more on pleasing than being pleased. Remember the words of our Lord, It is more blessed to give than to receive. (Acts 20:35c)

Do we always feel like cooking? No. Yet hungry bellies need fed, and we christian wives gladly prepare our family’s meals anyway. Do we get a thrill out of changing our baby’s diaper? Not so much! Yet we will have an unhappy little tyke on our hands if we neglect this duty, so we do it anyway. Do we just adore taking time to pay off our bills? Of course not. Yet we push ourselves to do it anyway, because we are aware that it is needful. We can cook, we can change diapers, we can pay bills…all regularly, and without a second thought. Can we not do likewise for our husbands? Can we not make ourselves servants in this area also, knowing how vital a healthy sex life is to the well-being of the home? Think about it.

Time is love, above all else. It is the most precious commodity in the world and should be lavished on those we care most about. – Sydney J. Harris, “Money Is Time”, Clearing the Ground (1986)

Another thing to consider in making “our daily bed” a reality in your marriage, is proper lubrication. Let’s face it, sex is not that enjoyable if you’re the unlucky owner of the Sahara Desert. Now, I am going to let you in on a little secret that just might permanently change your sex life with your husband for the better. Believe it or not, there exists a magical lubricant that can be found almost anywhere: be it your local drug store, the mall, the park, even your own home! Best of all, it’s free!

*Drum roll please* This magical lubricant is…WATER!

I can not emphasize this enough, girls…drink water. I used to struggle so much in this area. As a child and on into my teen years, I despised drinking water. I wanted flavor! You could give me a glass of juice, tea, pop…I would gladly drink it to the last drop. Water, on the other hand? I’d have to pass. (I cringe to think of the state of my internal organs at that time)

Fast forward to my eighteenth year (and my first year as a wife) and let me just say that my water-shunning days were hurting more than just my kidneys. Being the slow learner that I am, it took me a while to figure out that hydration equals lubrication. Maybe I’m the only person on this planet too thickheaded to figure this one out. However, on the off chance that you might be one of those naughty water-shunners, I exhort you to push yourself and hydrate, hydrate, hydrate! You can do this. All you have to do is start a new habit and don’t allow yourself the luxury of giving up. After a while, you will get so used to drinking water that you will actually come to enjoy the “taste”.

The recommended daily water intake varies from person to person depending on their height and weight. It doesn’t take much effort to do the math (a quick google search for a reputable water calculator is a good start) If you have a hard time drinking water, I would suggest scheduling certain times of day to drink a goal amount. That way you have reasonable breaks in between, and don’t feel overwhelmed. For example, my recommended daily water intake is somewhere around 60 ounces, so I make a habit of drinking four 16 ounce water bottles every day. On a typical day, I drink one water bottle every two hours until I have drank all four bottles. I feel that I benefit not only by having breaks in between, but also because it’s easy to remember when to drink them when I am consistently drinking them at set times.

Thou shalt drink also water by measure, the sixth part of an hin: from time to time thou shalt drink. – Ezekiel 4:11

Okay, okay, you got me. This was a specific command given to Ezekiel for a special purpose, not a command for all mankind. I do hope it at least gave you a chuckle! Nevertheless, common sense tells me that if other living things such as plants and beasts are “smart” enough to drink water at every opportunity, it might be worth looking into for us humans! Just saying. 🙂

If I had a dollar for every time I have heard menstruation being used as an excuse to defraud one’s husband, I would be a very wealthy woman! Contrary to popular opinion, menstruation does not have to put the marriage bed on pause. In fact, there are many simple ways to adapt to this time of month, rather than allowing it to become a stumbling block in your marriage.

Is menstruation messy? Sure. Inconvenient? You bet. Yet with a little ingenuity, we can keep being just as passionate with our husband during this time as we are the rest of the month.

Probably the easiest fix is to bring a towel with you to your intimate time. A dark colored one that is already a bit tattered should do the trick; that way you don’t have to stress about ruining a good towel (though even if that happens, let’s keep our priorities straight: our husband’s joy, or a silly towel?) I like to keep a towel in our bedroom all week long during my mense; that way I am always prepared to please my husband.

Another way to keep the passion alive during that time of month is to make love in the shower. This is of course cleaner than using a towel, but can be a bit awkward depending on the shape and size of your shower, so obviously there are both pros and cons to this method. Why don’t you give it a try? I bet your husband won’t be complaining!

Aside from messes, there are hygiene issues that can come into play. Perhaps the blood makes your husband uncomfortable, or leaves you with an unpleasant scent at times. On your heaviest days, it might be desirable for your husband to use a condom, leaving him clean and mess-free. As far as any displeasing scents, this is to be expected with absorbent feminine products such as pads or tampons. Washing up before sex, or applying a safe, scented lotion can help to keep things fresh and appealing. Personally, I highly recommend using a menstrual cup which collects rather than absorbs – essentially removing any odor. (Along with being cost-efficient, environmentally friendly, comfortable, long-lasting, drastically reducing risk of TSS, etc. But I digress…)

I dare you to lay your reluctance aside, and allow yourself to be subdued to your husband…every day of the month.

Withhold not good from them to whom it is due, when it is in the power of thine hand to do it. Say not unto thy neighbor, Go, and come again, and tomorrow I will give; when thou hast it by thee. – Proverbs 3:27-28

Get the picture?

Wives who often give in to aggravation do not good sexual partners make. However, aggravation can turn a woman into a cruel, embittered defrauder before you can say “bye, Felicia!”. Aggravation is a favored tool of the devil: it separates, it festers, it destroys.

There will be times when our husbands aggravate us to no end. He will say something that offends, he will leave his dirty laundry on the floor for the 87th time, he might even make an inappropriate advance towards another female. Immediately our guard goes up…”don’t touch me”…”leave me alone”…”I don’t want to be with you”…and pretty soon we are playing stupid games like the silent treatment, or inching as far away from him in bed as humanly possible. Worst of all, we keep our body from him and expect him to come begging our forgiveness…when nine times out of ten, we have blown his aggravating action way out of proportion and now we are the ones who owe him an apology.

Never…I repeat, NEVER use sex as a weapon. It is cruel, unjust, and in direct disobedience to God’s will for your life. Punishing your husband in such a way (and yes, it is punishing) will end up also hurting YOU and your marriage in the long run.

Anger would inflict punishment on another; meanwhile, it tortures itself. – Publilius Syrus, Moral Sayings (1st C. B.C.)

Sex is a man’s greatest outlet for bonding. If we withhold sex out of anger, we are essentially removing his chance at initiating reconciliation in the way that speaks love from his heart. In so doing, we are prolonging our own pain, as well as tempting him to sin against us. This is folly! It is not our job or place to “discipline” our husbands. To take revenge is only to add sin to sin, and we know that two wrongs don’t make a right.

Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. – Romans 12:19

Our husbands do not have to “earn” our bodies by their favorable behavior. It is their place in the home that gives them the right to make love to their wife, not a show of good works.

Say not, I will do so to him as he hath done to me: I will render to the man according to his work. – Proverbs 24:29

When your husband aggravates you, be an adult. Talk to him about the problem in a clear, concise manner, find a solution, fix it, and then drop it. (I mean it, don’t hang on to that baggage! Let it go.) Make a habit of always reconciling quickly, and aggravation will significantly lessen in your union. Hey, if you’re really daring, you can even have sex before you reconcile! It might just help to expedite the process. You can thank me later!

In conclusion,

While there may not be a specific verse that demands daily lovemaking, I do want you to remember that we as women are called to submit to our husbands “as unto the Lord” (Ephesians 5:22). When it comes to our heavenly Lord, we are called to “daily perform our vows” (Psalm 61:8), “daily praise Him” (Psalm 72:15), “watch daily at His gates” (Proverbs 8:34), “seek him daily” (Isaiah 58:2), “take up our cross daily” (Luke 9:23), etc. On principle, does it not appear most befitting to offer unto our earthly lords their most basic desire more than only “here and there”? I challenge you to be honest with yourself and truly consider how often your husband needs and desires your love in the way that speaks most plainly to his masculine heart. I know you can do this!

As you begin to implement “our daily bed” this year, don’t forget to take these 9 factors into account:1. Determination
2. Trepidation
3. Communication
4. Fascination
5. Recreation
6. Expectation
7. Lubrication
8. Menstruation
9. Aggravation

In so doing, you will equip yourself to be the virtuous wife of your husband’s dearest affections, that he may have “no need of spoil” (Proverbs 31:11). May the year 2018 take your marriage from boring…to soaring!

She transformed his miseries into sexual excitements and, to give credit where it was due, turned his grief in a useful direction. – Saul Bellow, Herzog (1964)

For God’s Glory,
Mrs. Dustin Bolks

Mrs. Dustin Bolks is a church of Christ preacher’s wife, and the home educating mother of two children. She and her family currently reside in Northwest Iowa.